[chica34]

Hi,

I am new to this but need some advice. I have been married for almost 5 years and also under 35 but have two children a 19month and 3 yo. I work full time and have a decent paycheck. My husband since the beginning of the marriage decided he did not like where we were moving to and took a while to find a job he liked. He also came into the marriage with a lot of debt that I have helped him half. Also, I have bought a house, saved a lot of money and had my parents help with the kids. Because he did not like his job, he took on a side job with a team where he could travel and work with them. This meant he was away from the family for 2-3 months of the year and getting paid about $150/day, which is a lot less than he would make working while he was at home. His rational for working with the team was that he loved it and that made up for the job he did not like in our area. I have tolerated this until my mom, my babysitter, became ill and could not help me as much. Now he left me scrambling for a babysitter, while he is off galavanting around the world for $150/day. Mind you, I pay most of the bills, I force him to contribute but that money goes to savings anyway. I am tired of him leaving me and the kids. I work a lot and have few resources besides my parents to help me. He has chosen to leave us when we most needed him. I'm stressed at work and then come home and am stressed with the kids. He says this is his last trip but he won't be home until the end of September. I am so angry at myself for tolerating this. Now I want to see if I could have all my money back. I put everything in a joint account but I am the saver. He is a good father to the kids when he is around but when I need him the most, he is gone.

What should I do?

[joypulv]

I'm not going to tell you to leave him or not leave him. You sound angy enough over the lopsided finances, but you also sound a little bit guilty over making him move to where you were or wanted to go (although you say 'where we were moving to' without saying why). You have 2 very small children. Perhaps if he knew how serious this is he might agree to counseling or he might quit the away job. Put half the joint account in your name only (if you can). You don't say if you are in a community property state or not, and the chances of 'all your money back' and not good either way. Unless you have a super good expensive lawyer. (And hubby has a right to money to pay for his lawyer too.)

[Jake2008]

You have let this fester far too long.

You chose to carry the burden of the family financially and otherwise, for whatever reason, and you are now left essentially alone at a time when you are struggling with young children, maintaining a house, and working full time.

The two of you need some serious marriage counselling.

There are reasons you let him live his life this way, when clearly you need him not to. There are reasons he chooses not to be a contributor to the marriage, and his family.

Before you throw in the towel and start getting bitter and resentful, arrange counselling before he gets home the end of September. Think of fixing and mending and both of you learning how to get on the same page by figuring out what the priorities are, and what you each expect of the other.

There has to be changes made. You cannot continue the way it is, and he needs to step up and be a better husband and father- all of the time.

I would not throw in the towel just yet, at least not until you get the help you need to sort through and come up with a plan- whether that be a plan to remain married, or to go your separate ways.

It would be a shame if you left now. You would never know if things could have worked out had you at least tried counselling together.

[phillysteakandcheese]

Is there something more to this that what I am reading?

You probably knew he wasn't a saver when you married him, but there were other qualities you loved in him so you looked past that (right or wrong) and became the family's primary bread winner.

I don't know how long "awhile" was for him to find a job, but when he found something he loved, were you at all happy for him?

"2-3 months of the year" is not that long, and $150/day for those few months is not that bad.

It was good of you to tolerate this while you could make it work with help from your Mom. Now that it can't work anymore, he's willing to give up something he loves and make this run his last...

That seems pretty reasonable to me.

It seems like there is something else wrong in the marriage. Maybe you rushed into it and now find it isn't what you expected.

And frankly... You sound like you are all about the money. Your money has allowed you to have the material things in your life, but now you resent sharing "your" money with the family - which includes the person you agreed to share your life with when you choose to be married. That seems off to me.

I agree with the answers above too - Counselling is needed.