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amandan · Sep 3, 2011, 10:20 AM

Because they have a lot of money can afford a lot of parties- and I don't hear from anyone anymore. Not even the people I grew up with! Mike and I were married and had two kids - 17 and 20 now. We had built up a base of wonderful friends through sports and barbecues and parties etc. Now, when I go into the stands to watch my son play football - and I say hi how are you to some of these old friends I either get a cold shoulder or they are very uncomfortable speaking with me. I do NOT talk about old times or in any way bring up anything negative. The new wife constantly interrupts when I try to speak to what I thought was a good friend the other day at a game. This past game I sat by myself. My other friends I have have children and other things they have to do that they can't be at a game with me. By the way the man coaching our team is my ex husband and was knowingly abusive to me - he was assistant principal at the time - for ten years- and now is the coach - is this why? By the way remember my two kids are from a nice man that the ex wife is now married to - no friction between the ex husband and I.

joypulv · Sep 3, 2011, 11:13 AM

I keep reading this over and over and I'm missing something in the last two sentences - is the same ex who was abusive to you the same one you have no friction with? Who is the nice man who is the father of your two kids? Who is the ex wife he is now married to?

If there is just one man and one new wife as I suspect (but I don't get the Jekyll and Hyde part), then yes, him being coach and her being leader of the pack domineering type adds up to sheepish followers. Your son is 17; he'll understand if you don't go. Treasure one or two friends and forget the rest.

talaniman · Sep 3, 2011, 02:03 PM

Say hi, and bye and keep on going. Soon you will be doing things with new friends, and have your own circle of social support.

Must be a small place where you attend these games.

twinkiedooter · Sep 3, 2011, 05:29 PM

You seem to crave everyone's approval. Why? They are friends and not relatives. Get some new friends or just don't go to the games so you won't have to experience this type of shunning. Only attend the important games. Skip the rest. You go to the games to see your kid - NOT to socialize. If you only go to socialize, then you're in the wrong mind set.

amandan · Sep 4, 2011, 02:26 PM

To clear up some things- the ex husband that was mean was my second husband whom I was married to for just over two years. The nice one - is the father of my two kids - we divorced on friendly terms over 10 years ago. I am not craving any approval whatsoever- just want to be able to watch my son's game in peace without having to feel extraodinarily uncomfortable - this is a 5A school so there are a lot of parents and kids. My son happens to be a really good football player - (not just saying this- seriously) and I really don't want to miss any games. We are going to play in our NFL stadium in the city - and really I don't want to go alone. This woman (new of nice ex) has "friended" all of my friends and now they all sit together. When I sit with them is when I get the cold shoulder. I miss these friends, some of whom I've known since kindergarten.

twinkiedooter · Sep 4, 2011, 02:32 PM

Face it, they've moved on and you should get the hint and move on yourself. What do you care about their friendships when they apparently don't care about you any longer? Just because you knew someone from kindergarten is swell and all but quite frankly they have their own life to live and they don't have to include you in their life. Try brining your OWN friend along to these games so you don't have to sit alone. What about your other kids coming along? What about the 20 year old? Won't they attend their own brother's games with you?

Sorry to be so blunt but people's interests change and a lengthy relationship is no guarantee that person can decide not to be your friend if they want to.

amandan · Sep 4, 2011, 02:41 PM

I would bring my 20 year old daughter but she works on Friday nights. My friends I have now - all work on Friday nights or they have children of their own and are unable, for good reasons, to come to the games with me.

It is the new wife of the nice ex causing some of the problems here.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2011, 02:45 PM

They obviously are not your friends, if they treat you the way they do. Doesn't matter how long you have known them.

twinkiedooter · Sep 4, 2011, 02:46 PM

So have a nice heart to heart with old nice hubby about how you feel. Maybe he can put a leash on his new wifey for you.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 4, 2011, 02:48 PM

How about bringing a date ? But you set and make new friends with others

amandan · Sep 4, 2011, 03:01 PM

Hmmm - bring a date - I am a pretty funny person and attractive enough - but don't get out - Will have to start getting out more. I am certainly thinking along the lines of getting a date and have been for awhile (it's been two years since I have been on a date). It would be fun. I think the most hurtful thing of this is that my brother sits with all that crowd and rarely speaks to me. He is best friends with the nice ex. My daughter - 20 yrs old- doesn't know what to think about the situation however, I try not to tell her too much because she is also very close to her father (nice ex). The mean ex - people knew about how he was with me from restraining orders and newspaper articles. He is now my son's head football coach - he was asst. principal at the time. SO I can see why some people would want to stay away from me - but that was a couple years ago.

joypulv · Sep 4, 2011, 03:09 PM

I am sort of puzzled by what you are hoping to hear. No one can make anyone be friends again with someone they've dropped. I think I would just sit by myself (or wheedle a handsome cousin to sit with you just to get them gossiping) rather than subjecting yourself to embarrassment. Eventually a kind soul will say to the other sheep that you were left out in the cold and one by one they might sit with you or talk. Perhaps the new wife and your ex are saying lies about you and you will find out someday if it's true. Sometimes people really do feel like they have to chose (sadly, many of us have had more problems with friends after a divorce than with the divorce itself). The parents ingratiate themselves to coaches, so you're right about that, and need a strategy to keep your integrity. I like the date or fake date idea. Dress up as though you are going out afterwards (even if it's for pizza).

amandan · Sep 4, 2011, 03:26 PM

Date idea is great. Looking good for the son's game - not a prob. Sitting by myself - embarrassing. I got to do something quick because games come every Friday. I will say though that, my nice ex's new wife does have a problem with me speaking to any of my old friends- she interrupts me constantly and it is noticeable -my one old friend was very clearly uncomfortable. So I think it best that I stay away. Plus I really concentrate on my son's game. I really don't talk a lot - just sociably. It will all work out one way or another...

Jake2008 · Sep 5, 2011, 11:27 AM

This isn't an unusual situation.

When couples split, friends are divided, or tend to go with one or the other. To remain friendly with both, doesn't usually happen the way loyalties go. Particularly when he is a coach, and all of these people are connected socially.

That doesn't mean that they shouldn't be cordial, and I have to wonder about the quality of the friendships you had with them, before you and your husband split. I have had many friends split over the years, and have never been outright rude to either party. To treat you the way they do, makes me think that you really haven't lost any friendships of value.

That, to me, is a plus.

Do your best to find new friends, or nuture friendships with women you already know outside the football field. It is time to really make an effort. Even if they aren't particularly interested in sitting with you at a football game, you will have them in other social situations that will make up for the times you are alone.

I had kids in hockey from age 4, and can't honestly say that other than a 'hi' or 'see you at the banquet', there was very little conversation. I'd say most of the parents I knew, I never knew their first names (but I knew their kids from the positions they played). So, maybe with the games, try not to isolate yourself too much and make it look so obvious. Instead, sit a little closer so you are part of the group, and assume that nobody is particularly interested in whether you are there or not, save for the fact that you are all there for the same purpose. To watch the kids play.

amandan · Sep 5, 2011, 04:47 PM

Thank you Jake - that helps a lot in a sticky situation I have here. The head coach's restraining order I had against him ( the mean ex) just let up in May. The nice ex (kid's dad) wife knows all about it and has let people around me know - I never let anyone know because I was followed. It is a sticky situation - but I am going to follow your advice to a tee. Thank you again.

amandan · Sep 6, 2011, 02:58 PM

The new wife of nice ex has now friended all of my Father's side of the family in another state far south from here. My father was killed in a small plane crash in '88 - Mike(nice ex) never knew my father and rarely saw my Dad's side of the family. What. In. The. h----. Is going on now.

amandan · Sep 6, 2011, 03:52 PM

Please help with this question - because I am feeling violated - weirdly so. I have tried to mention this to my nice ex in the past but have been blown off. I am feeling kind of stalked with the new wife's behavior. I haven't said anything to my family because I don't want the situation to come off badly to them.

talaniman · Sep 6, 2011, 04:26 PM

I would sure have to ask how she comes to know YOUR family so closely. Drop the fear, and ask them about this. Could it be through the kids? Ask your family, and get facts for a clear picture of what's happening.

twinkiedooter · Sep 6, 2011, 05:35 PM

You should not feel violated or feel fear in anyway by this woman. If she has gone out of her way to befriend all the relatives on his side. Has it ever dawned on you that you are their MOTHER hence you are very important in this entire family because without you therre would have been no them. Try being friendly with her and then judge her.

Now you seem to be shrinking away from her in fear which is not good for anyone (and especially you). What do you think could possibly happen if you tried to be friendly with her (notice I didn't say a friend but friendly). She may just be a remarkable woman that your kids just happen to love as much as YOU and you just may enrich your life by knowing her. Have you ever had a real conversation with the woman? You sound like a very jealous woman who can't change and accept that this new wife is not taking your place but making the best of this situation and probably loves everyone in the family genuinely. Your nice ex married her, didn't he? He married you as he saw something in you that he liked as well. Why not give this lady a chance to prove herself to you? Can't hurt.

If nice ex just fluffs it off he obviously thinks you will just come to your senses and see this lady as the nice person she probably is.

Ever think of it that way? You have everything to gain and certainly nothing to lose. Who knows? You may actually like this lady in the end.

joypulv · Sep 7, 2011, 02:34 AM

Dink, the ex's new wife has friended all of amandan's father's relatives. They are in no way connected to that woman at all. Her new husband never even met the man or family. The children are 17 and 20 and she has not one reason to be doing this. I would feel violated too. She sounds like a very aggressive woman and I can imagine not knowing what to do. I would be tempted to challenge her about this particular subject. I would also tell them how you feel. Some people friend anyone who asks.

After I was divorced I had a good relationship with my ex until he met the woman he married, and she got him to stop all contact with me and all of his friends. Not even a phone call. He went along with it, so although I was sad I accepted it. But there were no children and no places to run into each other.

There are certain species of animals that are matriarchal and the females in charge will do anything to get their male relatives certain powers, the best mates for the young ones, and so on. Very aggressive in the same way we usually think of males conquering and collecting harems and so on. Sometimes you just run into women who want to control every bit of every situation, and I think you have one here. I do think you should not have sat with that group for more than one awkward minute or two, said something about it like 'I see that you aren't comfortable with me here' and gone to sit alone (until your old friends and brother hopefully sat with you). In other words, it sounds like you have a sort of tentative streak in you, and need a little gumption.