[mogrann]

Since my sister in law passed away(August 15) I have been questioning and full of guilt.

I feel guilty because we could not afford to fly home until the funeral and were not in the hospital with her before she passed. My brain tells me we could not do it financially but I still feel bad that I was not there for her. I also realize she would not have known we were there as she had brain cancer and had had numerous seizures and was unresponsive. I still feel guilty and angry at myself.

I am also questioning what I believe in. What is the purpose of life? Are we really alive? What happens to us? Why do we live, do we need to keep living?The list goes on. It is like this dark cloud has fallen over me.

I am off medication, as the DBT program I am in requires you not to be on medication. When my mother in law and father in law passed away I was on meds and did not take it so hard. I asked my therapist if I could go on short term just to get through this grief and she said no I needed to use skills.

My biggest worry is I suffer from depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. I do get suicidal and have attempted before. I am worried that this thinking means I am headed back to that place and to be honest I don't want to go there.

I am so confused, frightened and umm not in the proper head space. That is the best way I can explain it. Is this normal? How do I stop crying? How do I stop looking at pictures of her and me? I try to talk to others but then I feel like I am upsetting them as they are grieving too. I just want her back... cry cry cry... I HATE THIS IT IS NOT FAIR.

[Alty]

Mogrann, death is never easy to understand.

I'm going to tell you right now that you should not feel guilt, but, my words aren't enough.

I'm going to tell you a story. You know me and my stories, so be prepared, grab some popcorn, sit back and read. It's a long one. ;)

I lost both of my parents within 6 and a half months of each other, both from cancer. I was with my dad in the hospital every day, 10 plus hours a day, with a 2 year old at home and a very sick mother. I'm an only child.

The one hour that both my mom and I left the hospital together, that's when my dad died. All of the family had gone home for a shower, some real food, etc. etc. For many months after his death I beat myself up over the fact that I wasn't there when he passed, even though he had been in a coma for days before that.

My mom died in Germany. When she found out she was terminal, she made plans for us (her, my husband, my son, and me) to go to Germany. All her siblings live there, and she wanted to see them one last time. We made the arrangements, which weren't easy because she was extremely ill at that time), I called my Aunts and Uncles, told them that I knew I wasn't bringing her home, that I didn't know how long she'd make it, and that it was her dying wish to see them, but they shouldn't count on her being available to them for the entire 3 weeks we had planned to be there. They didn't listen. They thought I was being overly dramatic. She died 3 days after we arrived. I felt a lot of guilt for not getting them to listen, and a lot of hurt because it deeply hurt my mom. :(

The trip was hell. A very ill woman, oxygen tanks had issues, the hair that had grown back after chemo was falling out in chunks because she was so stressed. My son, now a little over 2 1/2 years old, and an 8 hour flight. There were times I wanted to jump from the plane.

We arrived, started to drive to my hometown, and got lost. Poor Rod (hubby), had never been to Germany. I had, my mom had, but my dad always drove, we just sat in the car saying "are we there yet?" More stress, going off some 18 plus hours with no sleep. It was hell.

We finally got to our town, found the place we had rented, got my mom settled, only to have my son not able to fall asleep. At that time it was more then 24 hours since either my husband or I had slept.

That night we got up at least 6 times to help my mom to the bathroom, to tend to our son. The next day we did see some of our family, the ones that lived in town, and spent the day walking around the town, visiting, going to lunch. By the second night I had slept around 2 straight hours in a 48 hour time span. I was exhausted.

The day before my mother died she asked Rod to go into town, buy a cell phone so that she could call her brothers and sisters. So Rod left, took Jared with him. I felt that that was a good time to take a nap, because I had nothing left in me.

So I told my mom that I needed to sleep for a while. She was very sick, otherwise she wouldn't have done this. Well, she wanted to go on the balcony. She was in a wheel chair, so she needed my help. I said "Mom, can we do it later, I really need some sleep". She got upset, said "I just want to go on the balcony for an hour or so, is that too much to ask? Maybe I should jump off while I'm there, then you won't have to take care of me anymore".

Well, I got mad. We both got mad. It lasted only for a few seconds before my mom looked in my eyes, saw how physically and emotionally exhausted I was, and apologized.

To this day that haunts me. I yelled at my mother the day before she died! I know that she understands. I know that she knows that I love her. I know she knows that I was just very tired, and emotionally drained. But still. I yelled at my mother and the next day she was gone. :(

Guilt is not an uncommon thing. I got over my guilt because I realized the truth. I know in my heart that that one moment doesn't matter. It's my life with both of them that matters, and they both knew how much I love them.

Your SIL knew that too. You could have don't know good for her in the hospital. You didn't need to be there. She probably wouldn't have wanted you to see her suffer.

Let yourself cry. Scream at the top of your lungs that it's not fair, that you hate God for taking someone you love, that you just want her back. I did. It helped.

But, when you're done screaming and crying, realize that death is part of life. It sucks. But it's something none of us can escape.

As for the worth of life. I only have to look at those I love to know life's worth. In fact, losing both my parents has shown me how very precious life is. Never ever waste a minute of it, because it could all be over in a second.

Surround yourself with those you love, and those that love you. Help each other through this time. One day you'll remember her, and instead of tears, you'll smile. I promise you.

Hugs.

[mogrann]

Alty thank you... that is all I can say... thank you

[CliffARobinson]

You are not alone.

I lost my dear Grandmother last year. She was such a lovely woman.

I was there the month leading up to her passing, but due to issues beyond my control, I was forced to return home for business. The night before I was to return to her, she passed.

The Hospice care, which I cannot say enough good things about, was comforting for her, but still a painful time as we watched her release her grip on life.

She started talking to people she saw in the room like best friends, her departed family. One of the things she repeated a few days was seeing her mother who told her she needed to put on her good dress because soon she would be seeing the rest of her family.

She was slipping in and out of reality until we had to give her enough medication for pain and anxiety that she was no longer self aware by the time I had to leave. I held her hand before she was sedated she repeated over and over that she loved me and she didn't want me to be around to see her like she was.

She didn't know that I had to leave. She was out of it as I was flying across the country. It still affects me to this moment. I know what I know. I know what I experienced. I know what she needed, and she got it. She loved me with all her heart, and my not being there the last 48 hours when she wasn't lucid will probably always haunt me in some fashion, but I have come to terms with it.

It is time for life to move forward until the next time death visits my family. Watching her cope with the process with grace and worrying about what her family had to endure taught me more about being a man and good human than years of masses and sermons.

This long response to your heartfelt statement above is an attempt to very openly and frankly let you know that you are absolutely not going through anything alone. I know your pain. I know the darkness.

To give into it would only sully the memory of the dearly departed you miss so much and for me, I could never consider it after realizing how amazing my gram was.


Cliff

p.s. stop looking at the pictures for a little while. Take long walks. Get out of the house. Start walking, literally and figuratively. And, God bless.

[Alty]

Alty thank you... that is all I can say... thank you

You're welcome my dear.

All I can offer is words. I would give you a big hug if I could, but alas, distance and all that, doesn't allow for that.

Just know that you're not alone. Every person that's lost someone has felt grief. We all feel grief in different ways, and we need different things to get through it. The only commonality is that we all do get through it in our own way, and we go on, and survive. We find that part of us that can keep the people we've loved and lost alive inside of us. We accept that they're gone, but we hold on to what made them who they are.

Don't be afraid to remember the past, but don't be upset about the present or the future. She isn't, I promise you that. Be happy that she's found peace. Cancer is a horrible disease. She's no longer in pain. She's the lucky one. It's those of us that are left behind that have to feel the pain now, but it doesn't compare to what she suffered, and she no longer has to suffer it. That's a blessing. It really is.

[mogrann]

Cliff thank you as well.

[joypulv]

Good story, Altenweg. Helps me with my recent death of my dad.

Mogrann, did your SIL leave a husband, your brother? Does he need your support and love? Sometimes when the meaning of life slips away we have to look around at who needs us. Your SIL didn't need you to be at her hospital bed, for pity's sake, but you may be needed now by the living.
When I was young I left a trail of death and destruction, it seemed. I was consumed with guilt for years, and it has affected my entire life and ability to live in the present. After a string of failed relationships after those early years, I took care of my parents. They didn't really need me here so much as I plopped down into their lives out of weariness. Each has died. I feel twinges of guilt, but EVERYONE does, it's part of being a good person. But someone wise once said that guilt is a selfish indulgence, and if you give that a year or two of thought, you will see how true it can be. If you did some wrong, you don't wallow in guilt (which too often coincides with feeling sorry for yourself), you go out and do some right to make up for it.

[mogrann]

I should have mentioned and I apologize for not being clear in my post... Both of our families live in Nova Scotia(east coast) and we are living in Alberta(west coast). She did leave behind a husband, daughter, son in law, son and a grandson as well as numerous nieces and nephews. She was my husbands sister.
We arrived the day before the service and had to fly back the day after the service. We spent time with family while we were there and shared memories.