[Denden446]

Hello,

I know there are so many questions regarding this, but I feel like my situation is slightly different, and I really need some advice as I don't know what to do.
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and we love each other very much, adore each other! We talk about almost everything.
We have had many lengthy talks about my issues with being able to trust people. After about 8 months together we moved in together. Everything was wonderful, except I still had a hard time trusting him. I went through his phone and discovered that he knew something about one of my bestfriends and my ex boyfriend. I won't go into that, but it was something that all three of them had kept from me for quite a long time, I'm sure you can guess what it is. I was so hurt, mostly with him, I didn't care about my good friend or ex, I felt like he is meant to protect me, but really he was looking out for her and my ex instead.
That was about 6 months ago and ever since then I have had extreme anxiety. For some reason I have all of a sudden gotten completely paranoid about him watching porn.. Whenever I was at work and he was home I would constantly worry that he was watching porn. And I would check his phone mostly weekly.
Our relationship was turning to **** until finally we decided to write a list for each other about what we want to change and what we think the other person should change. I pit down the porn thing (up until this point it hadn't been mentioned) when he read it he was so sweet, he said that of course he would give that up for me.

Of course I continued to check his history and he stopped watching porn, but instead would look at pics of topless girls, so much! Glamour models.

I got very upset over this. It made me feel worthless. I don't understand why he has to do it? I would always admit when I had looked through his computer, and when we talked about this, he didn't really understand so I kind of just dropped it.
Anyway, about a month ago I felt the need to check again( I had been really good at trusting him for a while) and I found that he had looked at porn one night when I had been at work, right before he new I would be home! Dong see why he couldn't of waited. Anyway, we fought, we made up. I do love him and I believe he made a mistake.
Then today I was on one of his social networking pages, and he had posted something that I find very humiliating to me, about some glamour model (about one of his pics) which everyone can see what he commented.
I love this boy, but I clearly don't trust him. I'm sorry this is long, and probably seems quite immature to many of you, but I am very much struggling with this.
Do you think I'm being ridiculous? Do you think posting something on a glamour models photo is disrespectful to your girlfriend? Would you classify this as bad as porn?
I know I will not get over how I feel toasted porn, I have had too many bad experiences... I think I need to find a women as I've given up on men!

Any help would be appreciated :)

[Cat1864]

This is probably going to seem harsh to you, but please think about it.

This question isn't about porn or glamor models as much as it is your insecurities.

First, the porn and pictures: Many people (males and females) like to view porn or look at pictures because they are visually stimulated or they find it entertaining. It the same as looking at pictures of mainstream actors you find attractive or reading a good romance novel. It has nothing to do with how you view your partner. It is fantasy and fun.

It can be a way to figure out what you might want to try or what is a total turn off especially when partnered with masturbation. Masturbation is about 'me' time and self-enjoyment. It is about letting go of stress without having to worry about another person's needs. Yes, it is selfish, but we all need some time think only of our own needs. If we do that with a partner it is using our partner as an adult toy and that is not a good way to treat the person you are in a relationship with.

Your boyfriend apparently said he would give up watching porn to make you happy (which he should not have done.) He switched to pictures and now you want him to give those up, too. If he switches to written works, will you expect him to give that up because of your insecurities? Are you asking him to give up masturbating, too? Are his own thoughts a threat to your security?

Now to your insecurity which is the major problem in this relationship. You are allowing your fear and insecurity to control your life and his. That is unfair to both of you and extremely unhealthy for the relationship. You invade his privacy (you may be getting somewhat better but you are still doing it.) You blast him for keeping a secret that while it may have affected you it was not his place to tell you especially if he gave his word to other people. Do you want him broadcasting your secrets to other people? You get upset that he looks at other women and comments on a picture in a way you don't like as though he is supposed to clear his thoughts with you before telling anyone else. It boils down to you trying to control his life to make yours seem better.

Stop trying to make him responsible for your being secure. When you make someone else carry your baggage, they get tired and drop it or throw it back at you. It is much better for you to unpack it or toss it. Relationships are hard enough. Why add more problems and drama?

He has been a lot more understanding than many of us and other people would be. He has tried to make you happy, but it won't work because you aren't happy within yourself.

What are you doing to help yourself feel more secure that does not involve your boyfriend? Do you have any activities or interests which help build up your self-esteem? Have you thought about counseling to let go of the past to be able to build a better present and future with yourself and others?

As for finding a woman, many women (myself included) look at porn and masturbate and aren't going to want to put up with someone trying to control their lives.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will have to agree, he needs to list on his list, that you stop crossing the lines of behavior and stop going though his phones and his emails and more. Checking his history, for gods name, how 5th grade.

Men ( and many women) like to look at photos, like to look at naked people, some like to watch videos of them having sex. That is merely exciting and has nothing to do with or about you, That is not cheating on you, in fact if you both agree, both of you watching it, can be part of foreplay to lead to your love making.

Your being so insecure is going to break you up. You seem to be so bad I would say you need professional help.
I feel so sorry for this man, he must love you so much to have put up with this up to this point

Also if he really likes to watch porn, asking him to stop is totally unfair in you trying to control him.