[sfqt33]

Entire story merged

Hi Everyone. I need your advise. My ex broke up with me a few years ago and I was devastated. I thought I worked through my feelings but, I didn't.
I saw an old friend of mine right after my breakup, and we started hanging out. She was consoling me and helping me through my pain. Her and I adventually ended up sleeping together. It seemed to ease my pain over my ex. It's a couple of years later and I still don't think I am over my ex.
This other woman and I have been dating a little over a year now.
Anyway, this other woman is very nice to me. She is somewhat smothering and needy. She is insecure and want's a marriage and life time commitment with me.
I thought I was truly in love with this woman, but the more I see, the more I am unsure. She has teenage kids who are out of control.
She wants to live together and have a future with me. I don't want that. I thought I did, but now I realize that, I was just in pain over my ex. Now I feel like I need atleat 6 months to a year to be alone and get over my ex. Because, I still think about her a lot.
I feel suffocated by this other woman. I care about her and love her but, I think I am afraid to be single and alone. Just being honest.
I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants.
Should I break up with her and allow myself to heal and find adventually find the right woman or should I go to therapy and work on this relationship?

[Wildcat21]

That's a tough one.

You know, there was a reason you broke. I am in love with past lovers, but never would want them back in REALITY - they are DIFFERENT people today anyway. It's easy to remember the good times.

Now with the current relationship: you said it ALL: "I don't want the responsibility of taking care of her and her kids. I know this is what she wants." - THIS IS REALITY.

I'd end it now. Those kids JUST don't go away. Never.

Remember though, you're really going to hurt her. You're going to hurt her bad. Be prepared.

But, maybe you just need a breather from her?

[sfqt33]

I tried a break. And things are good for a week and than I get agitated with this situation again. I know she is not going to change. And I know those kids will be around for a long time. I feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. I don't want to hurt her but. I want to be happy. It seems like the flame has gone out.

[J_9]

Look at it this way, Are you going to be happy just by giving her what she wants? It is your happieness that you are out for in life. If you give in to her you will regret it, you will not be happy. Life is all about looking out for #1 and that is you.

Look out for yourself first, make yourself happy. If you are not happy the relationship will not be happy. Don't let her smother you into doing something you will regret later.

[phillysteakandcheese]

If you want to take 6 months to a year for yourself, you're going to have to be honest and tell her that. You can't expect her to wait for you, but if her feelings are genuine, she might... :)

I would recommend taking time for yourself: Just you. Single. On your own.

Work on you. Understand your feelings. Get yourself together. Think about your future and what you truly want.

In 6-12 months, your perspective may change.

[valinors_sorrow]

This is exactly why many of us here advise people to take a serious break for a good long while after a romantic relationship of any kind ends. Welcome aboard. Join us. Your firsthand experience could prove invaluable. Your post here alone is a good look at what happens when not enough of a break is made.

I am not going to clock in on whether you should stay or go. But I would like to add to some of the really necessary understanding you have begun to acquire so here goes:

You are beginning to see that "rebound" relationships are just that. They are founded on circumstances that won't hold up over time. It's a really vulnerable period and one where we are not thinking clearly. This is an easy to make mistake, by evidence of all the posts we get here on this topic too. You have realised part of this, now go the distance and recognise the mistake you made completely, and give yourself the proper time this time. In a way, you had no business getting into something serious and now you see the old "it just happened" doesn't work. (that is code language for "I don't want to be responsible" - not good :( )

It is a fact of life that we cannot fix the pain of any loss (break up, illness, death, etc) of someone special with another someone. It won't be truly dealt with that way, from what I know. Any attempt to do so simply postpones the lesson and lets in more people to be hurt.

I appreciate your honesty in this, and although she will be hurt, she deserves to be told the truth. See, you matched her for a time, all insecure and needy.. but now you don't. It was not a way of life for you. Is it for her? With or without her, work on you. It will be the right thing and you will see more and more of that as time passes, if you do work on you.

Again, thanks for posting. I hope this helps.

[Wildcat21]

"feel as if her insecurities are making me crazy. She is a great person. I just want to date her but, she wants a full blown commitment. "

Have you spoken to her about this?? I mean really seriously spoken to her about this?? Have you spoken to her about her kids and how out of hand they and how 'you can't handle it'?

It MAY ope nher eyes as well. Step one - sit down and talk to her about this now.

[sfqt33]

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

[magprob]

You don't want to be with this person. It was OK when you needed it but things have changed-namely you. As Paul Simon said, "you just hop on the bus Gus, make a new plan Stan... and hurry!:eek:

[sfqt33]

Yes, I have talked to her and been open about what type of commitment I want. She over steps my boundaries a lot. It's like she doesn't want to hear the truth about how I feel. I told her I am not ready to move in with her and it pissed her off.
I said, "I understand if you want to find someone who will move in, be a step parent and take care of you", "but, I'm not the one". I told her I didn't want that commitment.
I said it "would hurt like hell, if that's what you decide, but, I understand".

[Wildcat21]

Well that's good. She needs to take it as that.

But, I would try and end it. She knows how you feel.

[valinors_sorrow]

Thank You, that is true. Rebound relationships don't work in the long run. Thank you for the advise. This maybe selfish but, I am also afraid to be out of a relationship. I am not a " spring chicken" and worry that there will never be
" someone else". I don't know why I worry because I have been in several relationships over the years.
Maybe because, I have never been alone, I have never "fixed" myself to have one that will really last.

In my take on it, if that fear of being alone is big enough, then you are making decisions out of desperation - which almost always turn out badly.

The trick is to lose that fear, and if it takes living alone to lose or diminish it considerably, then that is what it takes. There may be other means too though. It is entirely possible to go to counseling to work this out while remaining with her. This is why I am reluctant to give an opinion on either stay or go.

[talaniman]

You are not alone in the way you feel. 90% of the people who post here are afraid of rejection or being alone. The unfortunate part is they involve someone else in this merry go round and everyone gets hurt. Your afraid of being alone and that is your solution, if you don't work on yourself then no relationship you ever have will be happy and neither is the one your in now. I can only tell you to seek counseling and get a better perspective on your own emotional needs and as far as the g/f goes well I just don't believe in misleading someone and wasting their time hoping I'll be something or do something for them, just me, but it is your call.:cool:

[sfqt33]

I am in counseling and continuing a lot of work on myself. I stayed with her in hope that I would find deep love for her and it never happened.
Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating"? The thing is, I don't think she can do that because she wants a permeant partner to take care of her and of other things. A life long person, forever.
She constantly talks about our future together. The thing is, I like her and her company, but she has a total cow if I leave for a few hours to do stuff for myself. She is very needy and insecure. This is a TURN OFF!! :mad:
She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

[valinors_sorrow]

I am in counseling and continuing alot of work on myself. She talks about how "I used to be, and how I have changed".

Your initial insight in your first post does sort of indicate you are doing some good work in counseling actually, now that I think about it. However with that known, it sort of begs the question: What does your counselor say to all this?

And I would guess you have indeed changed - counseling does that. Again, another begging sort of question: Does she not know you are seeing a counselor?

PS - I sense you may already know the answer to "Can I ask her if she is open to " just dating?"... now comes the harder part, accepting the answer.

[J_9]

In your answer you have some operative words: "permanent partner" and "take care of her." If she were a self-sufficient individual she would not need someone to "take care of her."

Two people in a committed and loving relationship should be able to have lives outside. In that I mean that you should be able to do something with the guys, like my husband likes to go fishing, and I like to got out to lunch with my friends. If we were to spend every minute together I think I would suffocate.

I agree that she seems needy and insecure. You may need to address these issues with her face-to-face and honestly. Ask her why she has a "cow", ask her what she thinks you are doing when you have time to yourself.

If you like her company, keep it just that - company - explain that you cannot be suffocated, it may hurt, but it works better in the long run.

[sfqt33]

Thank you all so much for the advise. I have been open and honest about my feelings from the start. I told her I cared about her but didn't want to move in with her and get married. I told her I was processing my break-up and in pain.
She has a lot of baggage, and I don't want to take it on. My counselor says she sees that I am unhappy and I need to take that "step", and become single until I get myself together. I am on the right path but believe I still have some relationship stuff to figure out within me.
My family / friends think this woman is great. She is but, I feel smothered. I believe we should both have separate lives. I think that is very important. She tells me she agrees with that, but when I do things for myself, she gets an attitude and starts playing games.
I think it may get to the point that I "blow up" and say forget it, I'm done.
I agree with Wildcat. When you smother someone they run. I know because I have in the past attempted to smother another woman and she just got resentful and it ended.

[sfqt33]

Just wondering what peoples thoughts were on rebound relationships. My ex left me for someone over a year ago and she is still with this person. I thought they normally didn't work out.

[Krs]

Give me more details...
Don't really understand your question!

[Krs]

RickJ this is another!
Funnily enough it appears on my profile after I sent you these messages :)
Thanks