[Rhia1978]

I’ve been dating this guy for over a month now. I fell for him on our first date – he’s told me he likes me too. We’ve met each others friends. I had a home party Sat evening & he was invited. When I was confirming with him on Friday he asked what my plans were for the Friday evening. I told him I was out with the girls. I asked him what he’s up to – I didn’t really want him over on that day since I had had a very hectic week – just wanted my me-time. Since he’s been going through some tough times I invited him over for dinner. He agreed. So I rush home & get all dolled up, put the garlic bread in the oven – nothing. After waiting for an hour I text him….again a bit later I send another text. A bit later I call him & leave a voice message – it was a sweet message – cheeky but nothing bad. He’s normally good at texting back. He rings me back & by then I had downed a bottle of wine out of frustration. He apologizes & tells me he’s in a far away suburb & had ‘lost track of time’ – I was livid! I told him I couldn’t believe I left the girls early only to be stood up. He has never done this before & in fact arrives before time for dates. I tell him to come over but he says he has no transport. So he tells me he’ll see me on Saturday. Infuriated I hung up. I texted him a bit later & asked him how he could make arrangements with me & not show up. Anyway we exchanged a spate of texts where I even said ‘enjoy with your girlfriend’ & he told me he’s with his male friend, who I’ve met, & there wasn’t anything ‘sinister’ to his no show. I was so furious that I gave him an ultimatum (and I know that’s not done but I was terribly upset my Friday was going down the gurgler) – ‘you either turn up or no need to bother with tomorrow’. He texted back to tell me he didn’t appreciate it & that it’s up to me if I wanted him over for the party. I texted him later & said I knew where I stood & it’s up to him to attend – no red carpet for him since he’s like any other friend. Yes I was being nasty because I was hurting.

Maybe I have over-reacted but I was really upset. I’ve never been stood up before so this hurts. Also the unpleasant tiff has left a bad taste in my mouth. How I spent the night only I know. Am going overseas in less than 3 weeks so I want to spend as much time as I can with him – Friday would have been perfect…leading into Saturday.

On Saturday I texted and apologized to him explaining I was tipsy and upset since I had changed my plans for him. I asked him if he was turning up for the party. No answer. Once my friends turned up I gave him a buzz and left a voice message in an excited voice telling him we were expecting him. Nothing. It’s Monday now and he still hasn’t contacted me. I don’t know what to make of this since earlier in the week when I had taken about 9 hours to answer his text he had texted ‘are you not talking to me anymore?’ to me. And all through the week he’d been sending me nice texts and calling me ‘princess’ and really building up to the weekend.

He quit his job over 3 weeks back and I know he’s struggling with finances and to find a new job. I have helped him a bit and he’s landed an interview on Tuesday out of the ones I passed on to him. I’ve never harassed him with texts and have given him plenty of space and support through these weeks. He’s been drinking heavily I know. Maybe even slightly depressed.

I have a fantastic job, 2 houses, a budding art career and a busy social life. So I am not depending on him to have a life. As I mentioned earlier he has met a lot of my friends and they all like him. He introduced me to some of his a week back and I was taken by surprise. I really like him…normally it takes me 2/3 months to warm up to a guy and this is the first time I have fallen for someone so soon. But he doesn’t seem to mind that…if anything he’s told me he likes me too. I had asked him jokingly if we are friends with benefits and he had said a quick and stern ‘No’.

I texted him today to wish him luck for his interview tomorrow but I am not going to contact him anymore. He can have his space and time. I have sincerely apologized and if this one misdemeanor outweighs all the support and affection I have given him, then I can’t do much.

Is he ignoring me because he has lost interest or just licking his wounds? Have I really blown it? Any insight will help! Thanks in advance! And please try to be kind. I went through a traumatic break up a year back when my then boyfriend lost his job because of alcoholism, got depressed, blamed me for everything and broke up with me – we were very much in love up until that point. So I’ve had to deal with quite a lot and kindness would be nice.

If this is of any relevance he’s a Cancer and I am an Aries.

[BK201]

Definitely, he should have at least informed you that he won't be turning up. And he should not turn his frustrations on to you. But the same goes for you too, you know that words sting more. And it is very hard to break a wall created by stinging words creating this defensive wall of prestige. Also, do no carry your burden from previous relationships on the new one, it just spoils it.
But hey, it has not blown out yet, its just the beginning. He will be back, you are providing him a wonderful support. Start a fresh day with him :)

[Rhia1978]

BK201 - You know you are the first one who has actually given me any ray of hope besides my friends of course. I have posted in quite a few forums and everyone has told me I've blown it. I can assure you I am not carrying my frustrations from the previous relationship onto this one. Yes there are certain similarities - the alcohol, the job situation - so I am weary - but I've told him about this - he's aware of the way I got devastated by my ex. My ex never stood me up... so this was a first for me and I didn't know how to react. We all make mistakes and I will learn from this. I was hungry and tired :( I really did respond out of real disappointment and anger - not out of any prior frustrations or baggage. Because he had always turned up and turned up before time in fact, I hadn't expected this from him. I sent him a text today 'Hope your weekend was good :) Good luck with the interview tomorrow!' - nothing yet - it's been over 3 hours but then again I am not expecting an answer - it was just something I had to do. Might be my last gesture if he doesn't contact me ever again. All my friends tell me he is terribly worried about his job and financial situation. And who knows where his phone is. The only want a hug from him... nothing else. Going overseas in 2 weeks - I so want to spend some nice time with him :( I hope you are right and he realises that mistakes were made on both ends and that I've taken responsibility for my actions and made a sincere apology. I just wish he didn't mete out this silent treatment and just told me what he wanted - out or time & space.

[BK201]

Do not expect, like you said.. it just hurts. Why don't you take a drive and give him a hug instead? Cheer up, again, its just the start, why don't we give up a little bit and absorb things for later? So, give him a hug and tell him sorry then. Both of you are in a bad shape, at least you are in a better state with support from friends. So give him some positive vibe. It is too early to say its over. Let us know how he reacts, so we can see if he is worth your attention. But if he still is cold with no answer, you should know that's where to stop.

[Rhia1978]

I can't go to his place - I don't know yet where he lives. He had invited me a couple of times but I wasn't able to go :( I also don't drive so it's a bit tough..! I guess I will just have to watch what transpires sigh! I will surely let you'll know what happens. I just hope nothing bad has happened to him... and I really hope he gets the job tomorrow. I don't have any agenda over here. But I do wish he's not fickle and does clear his head and get back to me. I think I do love him a wee bit. Not the kind to fall in love so quickly - but this was love at first sight and even I was caught by surprise!

[BK201]

Good, I understand. Hope for the best. Be prepared too, he has time until your overseas trip to catch up with you. Else, it will be his loss.

[Rhia1978]

Thanks! Yes will surely keep you'll updated! I have received very good advise from an earlier post when he had not contacted me for a while and I was wondering only to be prompted by a couple of members of this forum to give it a go and take the risk. That's when I found out that he had quit his job and things were better than before when we met. He has disappeared in the past - twice after weekends - but in those instances I had done nothing wrong and neither had he. This is the first tiff and can either make or break us. Of course his situation is worse than before - still no work! Hope it changes y'day. Yes I do have 2 weeks still... hope he doesn't let me go... I will be good for him I know... all he needs is a bit of patience and let my one or two harsh words slide. I don't get angry that often - and only get hurt when someone takes me for granted and hurts me - otherwise I am a very accommodating and understanding person and I certainly don't hold grudges... and forgive easily..!

[BK201]

From your previous post, it is evident that he has taken his time to let you know his bad situation. May be he doesn't share things, especially his bad situations, that easily. So, there you go, you have the answer. You have some good characters, as an Aeris if you want to call it so. And if he wants you, he would have to step up. Bet he knows that you are leaving in 2 weeks.

[Rhia1978]

Oh yes he definitely knows! He's asked me quite a few times in fact - I showed him our itinerary as well. He's offered to introduce me and my friend to a childhood friend in Dublin to show us around. And he also asked me to visit his home town which is 45 minutes from Dublin. I found both these things very sweet. I really am wondering if he has lost his phone - I did something sneaky today - only once though - I called him from a private number and I know he picks up private numbers in case they are from prospective employers - and he didn't pick up - very odd! Indeed he has shared quite a bit. He also enquires after my day - but when one is down in the depths of despair it's difficult to ask others - he still would always ask me how my day has been. And last Tuesday when I took a while to answer he texted me 'are you not talking to me anymore?'. So I really think he hasn't lost interest in me. Yes maybe feeling like he can't satisfy me - maybe? As you said as an Aries I am a high achiever and he knows I own these 2 houses - he was astonished when I told him - he knows about my art and has been actually amazed when I showed him my work and he knows of the variety in my interests. And of course he knows I am going on this big holiday. He said sadly... 'I haven't been home for so long wish I could have gone with you'... I felt so bad... I told him 'babe if you were a contortionist I would have fitted you in my suitcase'. Poor thing! He wants a laptop and cannot afford it. I've seen him wanting one. When he's at my place I offer him my Mac... I don't want him to feel inadequate :( But he should be proud of having a woman like me... not feel intimidated. I hope he doesn't. My last relationship broke up because of my ex's insecurities. He has also told me, on our 2nd date, that he was adopted. I quizzed him about how he felt about it and he told me. He's also told me about his escapades in school - a stark contrast to my spotless reputation (I didn't tell him that). So we are opposites in a lot of ways. He's told a very very close friend of mine that he finds me 'fascinating' & 'amazing'... he's told another friend he finds me 'stunning'.

[Rhia1978]

He just texted me and told me he's been suffering from gastro the entire time. So I texted him back and told him to get well soon - to have heaps of water and rest up. To that he responded and asked me if I am STILL pissed off with him. I told him my anger had dissipated by Saturday - that I don't stay angry for long and that I knew I was wrong in reacting the way I did and hence the sincere apology. I told him I am hurt though by the silent treatment. He has responded telling me that 'silent treatment couldn't be avoided' because he was sick and that he will make it up to me. Gosh! What do I do with this man... he is so difficult to read!

[BK201]

:) So he was sick and he could not get in touch with you. Once he gets well, clearly tell him that he should let you know rather than keeping you worried. A strong firm message ought to be conveyed. How long is it going to take to send you a text or call and say that he is sick?

[Rhia1978]

I know... and I will be telling him that when I see him in person. I am not making any plans... so he has to do it himself. I told my friend 'maybe his fingers got gastro too' lol! I will surely tell him to not keep me in the dark about things like this because it sends out the wrong message.

[talaniman]

You have only been together for a month. You better be a lot more flexible, and controlled so you can pay attention, and ease into this better. So he can pay attention and learn about you and your ways better. I think his reaction to your disappointment is something you both pay attention to, and learn from. You will, and make adjustments. I think he backed up a bit in self defense myself, to let YOUR dust settle.

[Rhia1978]

Yes Talaniman that's what I was thinking too - that he might be bluffing about the gastro but doing that to hide nothing more than the fact that he was waiting for me to settle down. Well I have learnt from this - I won't react like that in another similar situation - hope he doesn't stand me up again though. Also he knows something more about me & my temper - how bad it gets & how quickly it disappears. Wish we hadn't wasted the weekend though sigh! And yes a lot of adjustments to be made. I go overseas in less than 2 weeks now - probably a perfect time to find out what we really mean to each other - whether this is just a passing fancy or if there's something more. If he's still there when I get back after 2 months and I still like him as much when I get back - then it is meant to be & will be worth it! Distance doesn't always make the heart go fonder! Thanks Talaniman - appreciate your very sound advice :) guess we've moved so fast that it scares us - certainly scares me! Typical Aries thing to do - except that I've always managed to take my time with men & be cautious - this time I cannot believe I lost the fight so easily - maybe getting soft with age lol!