[John1865]

Need Advice for motivating a 7 year old girl??

Background:

My 7 year old daughter attends a private Christian school and is in the 1st grade. She also takes private singing and piano lessons on Monday evening, group singing on Tuesday evening, and art class after school on Thursday. She is a very talented singer. In school, she is at the bottom of her class in reading and math; however, she did make the honor role (barely). She has a kind and loving heart, and is pleasant to be around.

The problem is she is not motivated for anything other than playing with her friends, talking on the phone, and watching TV; which of course we limit. It’s like pulling teeth to get her to read, practice piano and singing, or do any studying for that matter. Anything that involves work she avoids wholeheartedly.

Are we pushing her too hard? My wife and I are both educated. I didn’t do very well in school as a child, primarily because my parents were undisciplined and didn’t push me. However, I did very well in college, although non traditional…I took night classes for years and graduated at age 40 approximately 5-years ago. Although my wife works long hours as an accountant, I’m retired from the Air Force and spend a great deal of time with her to include picking her up from school, working on homework, and playing games.

I feel like I’m pushing her too hard, but want her to do well in school and life. Please give me your thoughts and experiences for motivating a 7-year old girl?

[ballengerb1]

First of all, I am at a loss as to how a student can make the honor role if she is at the bottom of her class in math and reading. If her reading is poor then most other subjects will follow. She is enrolled is extra activities three nights a week. It does sound a bit much for a 1st grader. On the other hand, don't worry too much about her lack of "work ethics" she is only 7 years old. You have made choices for her regarding what she needs to do each day. She may not be as interested in each activity as you may hope. The school year is past the mid-point. If these problems still exist in June you may need to open a discussion her about the extra activities.

[RubyPitbull]

I am sure Father Chuck will take a look at your posting and give you some of his thoughts as well as other people too. You picked a good place to find a number of different people to give you some "food for thought."

Personally, I think your little girl has a lot on her plate. She may be a wonderful singer but if she doesn't want to practice that or piano, although she may not be vocalizing it to you, she is trying to tell you something. Think about it this way, even though your parents didn't provide you structure, what did you enjoy doing when you were 7? 7 years old is very young to place such large expectations on her. You need to take away a couple of the extra curricular activities so she will have the proper amount of time to focus on school, which is relatively new to her. Also, at that age, it is very important for them to learn social interaction. Playing with friends helps make them a more socially rounded individual. It aids in forming her creative sides. That is very important in the development for a child.

I will write more later. I am being "called" and I don't want to lose my focus on your issue.

[shygrneyzs]

What concerns me is that she is only 7 and in first grade. Can a child be involved in too many thingss? Yes. They can. Does she enjoy the singing and piano? Wonderful if she does, but studies come before the extracurricular. Even in first grade and yet, I hate to see honor rolls that early in the education system.

I would concentrate on her favorite things to do - and use those as a reinforcer for the things she does not like to do.. She likes watching TV, talking on the phone, playing with her friends. Those are all great things but can be used as a balance measurement for those activities she does not like - studying, practicing piano and practicing singing.

You could make a point system for her to work on. What is something she would really like to do, for example sleep over at a friend's or have that friend sleep over? Have so many minutes of study time ( in 15 minute blocks) earn so many points toward her goal.
Making the goal non monetary in nature.

One caveat - do not displace any of your own expectations of what you wanted to accomplish onto to your daughter. Children at that age can experience stress that manifests itself both physically and emotionally. You and your wife and your daughter should be enjoying her being seven.

Hope that helps you a bit. Good luck.

[J_9]

As a mother of 4 children (ages 20, 19, 13 & 4 1/2), and a college student myself (age 42), I believe you may have her involved in too many things. Just as we adults get stressed when we have too many things going on at once, so do children, but at a much deeper level.

Children need time to be just that. They need TIME to be children. I believe that parents who involve their children in several extra curricular activities at such young ages are taking the innocence of youth away from their children.

My 3 oldest children participated in extra curricular activities that they chose and were limited to one day a week at such tender ages. You see, these are the informative years that your daughter is in.

It is becoming epidemic that children are suffering ulcers and hypertension because they cannot handle all of the stress and pressure that parents put upon them.

My youngest 2 come home every day, have snack, do homework then go PLAY!! Play is what life is all about at the tender age of 7. Not stress of being taken here, being taken there. Having to perform in piano, singing, school. Especially if she is struggling at school. Heck that can be too much for some adults.

John, I think maybe you and your wife should sit down and talk about the stress you may be putting on your daughter. At age 7 she is doing WAY too much outside of school to have the time and energy to concentrate on her studies and still have time to have a tea party once in a while.

Let her be a child while she still is a child. If she chooses, on her own, to continue when she is a little older, that should be her choice, but right now I feel, and have seen in doctor's offices, that this is too much pressure for a tiny little heart and brain.

[J_9]

John1865 agrees: She is on the A/B honor role, but her math and reading are graded at an 86%. At her school, this puts her at the bottom of the class.

What is wrong with an 86%!! Holy COW, this gal sure does have to live up to some gigantic expectations. If this is truly the case, it is time to stop all outside activities and concentrate on school, or place her in a school that is not so demanding.

[John1865]

This is the case. Of 21 students in her class, 15 are on the all "A" honor role. 86% in reading and math puts her at the bottom of those subjects. In addition to grades, each subject on her report card is rated as to how each kid "racks and stacks" in relation to the class.

She goes to a very good private school. It is mandatory that all parents are involved with the school, parent/teacher reviews are mandatory and conducted every 6-weeks, the kids all wear uniforms, address the teachers properly with respect, and must have no grades lower than 80%.

Any grades lower than 80%, puts the child on a probationary cycle until their grades are increased. If the child doesn't get their grades up, or the school feels the parents are not involved in their success, the child's attendance at the school is reviewed by a panel of parents and subject to expulsion.

Do you really think this is too hard? There is almost zero disciplinary problems at her school. Zero drug and alcohol problems. Zero teen pregnancy problems. Zero violence problems. Zero gang problems, etc.

[J_9]

OMG!! To expect a dear darling CHILD to live up to this is terrible on her poor nerves!!

I too had a daughter in an expensive prvate school. Uniforms, conduct, and the like, but it was not quite the controlling environment you explain.

I like the Zeor drug and alcohol problems, etc, that is great. But do you really think that this does not put A LOT of undue pressure on such a young individual?

It sounds to me as though she is being made into a tiny short adult WAY before her time. So what if a child gets below an 80%, as long as they are TRYING their hardest.

Wow, I can only imagine the stress she feels. Of course she will tell you she wants to continue with that school, piano, singing, whatever, because she knows that is what you want to hear. But does she really seem HAPPY?

She will agree with whatever you and your wife put upon her because she wants to please you. But at age 7 she needs to have some of the stressors of adult life removed.

I have seen many children in the doctor's offices and ERs because the have ulcers and high blood pressure because they attempt to live up to the expectations of their parents and cannot handle the stressors that come along with it.

Now, don't get me wrong. I applaud you for being a caring a devoted parent. Conscious enough to keep her "busy" so as not to get into trouble, learn to be respectful, and the like. But don't you really think that she is under way too much pressure? I believe all of this is why she may seem unmotivated. She just may be plumb wore out by all of the expectations placed upon her by grown ups.

[ballengerb1]

Of course there are no problems. Anyone less than 80% (above average by all standards) is expelled. That is how the Japanese schools post such high scores, people with average score are moved to trade schools.
You have received a lot of sound advice, primarily turn the dial down a bit. Give her more time to play and socialize with less time devoted to her extra subjects. That is how they come across to her. Singing, piano and art are all extra classes or subjects for her.

[RubyPitbull]

John, I agree with the above posters. I don't think it is necessary to find another school. Even though they expect a lot, I think that school is giving her the structure you desire. For the remainder of this year, do as I suggested earlier, cut out the singing and piano. If she likes the art class, keep her in it. Help her with her homework and to focus on her schooling for now. When she is done with her homework, let her play with her friends and do the things kids do at that age. See how the rest of the semester goes. I can guarantee if you take away some of the burden she feels she is being placed under, she will do much better in school. In the summer and as she is going into 2nd grade, find out what she would like to do as an extracurricular activity. I think at this age, only one is necessary.

I hope this helps. You are obviously a very responsible parent and I commend you on being so hands on. Just, take one hand off for now. :)

[John1865]

I really appreciate all the responses, and agree we have too much on her plate. I think we will eliminate the Tuesday night group singing lesson. This will give her one more night of academic studies.

She does get Friday evening and all day Saturday to play with her friends. Sunday morning is at church, and the afternoon is dedicated to bible studies and family discussions about conservative principles and values.

[J_9]

That is good to hear. Time to give her "kid time" as I call it.

Now, on Sunday, does she get any time at all for her?

See, she has Monday through Friday at school, 2 nights a week for extracurricular activities, and only one full day a week to be a child.

What is her bed time? Does she really get any chance to be a child?

As I said I commend you for being the respectable family you are. It is very honorable this day in age.

I too was raised in a private school, Catholic to be exact. Spent every day at school, every morning in church (that was how my school did it), Chatechism on Saturday (please excuse my spelling, I have had my nose in 5 textbooks all day), Church on Sunday and devotional all afternoon Sunday. I spent all 12 grades of school in church EVERY day. Needless to say I got burned out. Until I was diagnosed with Cancer I felt that I had "done my time."

I am happy to hear you are letting up on her, even if it is just a little.

Why not spend Sundays (when it gets warmer) in the park, God's creation, rather than discussions I am not sure she can fully understand yet. Spend time out in the world teaching the Word rather than having discussions that may go WAY over her head. Go to the park in the spring, have a "discussion" about rebirth, watch the snow fall and have a "discussion" about individuality and snowflakes. I am sure you are making these discussions in a fashion that can entertain her and keep her attention. I would hate to see her fall into the same dilemma I did where it took a life threatening situation to bring me back to the faith.

[RubyPitbull]

Well, it is a start, and see how it goes. If her schoolwork doesn't improve greatly in the next month, then stop the piano too and see how it goes.

Just remember, there is nothing to stop you from reintroducing both those activities when she is a bit older and you can gauge if she has too much time on her hands and needs to add one of those back in. Just a suggestion, when this does happen, ask her what she would like to do. Maybe she would rather learn the violin than the piano? Maybe she would like to play soccer. It is not a bad idea to get her involved in an organized sport to learn what team work is all about. She will be more inclined to do better if she is given the opportunity to make her own choices.

[xxluvmexxhatemexx]

Maybe she is just depressed

[mariposa11]

It is so easy to do too much for your child, and yet leave them short-changed. I know you and your wife want the best and do all that you can to give your daughter those things. Unfortunately, you are doing it all in vain. What she really wants is to be with the two of you on her level, not yours. That is not to say she can't have interests or activities outside of that parameter, but you need to make sure you two are available and approachable. We are all so wrapped up in giving our kids some sort of educational or musical or athletic edge that we often forgo the tried and true. Yes, it is important that your child build an identity of her own somehow, but not every-how. The role of a parent is as much more important than having your child be #1 on a team or in the school band. Just stop trying so hard to give her an advantage in so many things and concentrate on enjoying one another's company. Otherwise the simple joys and triumphs you could have shared together will be lost. Your child doesn't need to compete with other kids to be the most important thing in your life, and you have to let her know it by showing it. By the same token, you don't need to impress you child or your friends by enrolling her in ten different things that are presumably the "best". Just be who you are, and spend as much tine together as possible. She will love you more for accepting her as she is and being willing to spend time with her than she ever would for giving her everything under the sun but you.