[kreeshol]

Hello,

I have been reading some other q/a on this topic here, so I figured I might ask for so advice because I am stuck in a rut.

My girlfriend and I have been dating and living together for just over 4 years now. We started dating in college and also lived together since then. After we graduated, we lived together back where we both grew up for a year. Then when I ended up getting a job 4 hours away, she moved with me. We have a dog together and also just signed on a new lease for place only 2 months ago what we moved into 1 month ago.

Just earlier today, out of nowhere, she tells me that she needs a break. I have noticed that she has been really distant from me for the past couple of months, apparently she has been wanting a break for several months now. I asked her if there was someone else, to which she denied. She said that she needs time to figure out what she wants to do in life. Since she has always had a boyfriend for the past 10 years of her live, she also said that she wanted to see what it was like to be independent again.

She said that she still loved me very much, and that it hurt to think of leaving me alone in the new place, since I really don't have any friends in the new area, and she has many work friends. I didn't quite understand the concept of loving someone so much and wanting to leave them. She also kept asking if I would be OK if we were done, to which I said that I have no idea how to answer that question. She also went on that I was by far the best boyfriend she has ever had and I'm an amazing guy, making me even more confused. She also talked about how we have grown apart. She said she needed time to re-evaluate things.

After talking more, we talked about how we both really haven't been communicating well at all for a while now. She can get really defensive and we are both really stubborn sometimes. She also took the position of, "woulda coulda shoulda" about past and current issues, like you can't fix the way things are now. Problems which, in my opinion, can be addressed by talking things out. We both have some form of anxiety, mine which can get the best of me sometimes giving me a short temper, only emotionally, never physically. She also has some form of emotional push back because of hers. I apologized for not addressing want seemed to be like a growing problem for a little while now, and that I thought we could fix that with open communication.

My girlfriend also has wanted to get married for the past 2 years before this. But I have been dragging my feet due to so many changes in my life with working and school. I wanted to settle down a bit and start saving money before I tied the knot, which was my full intention. But now that that approaches near, this happens. I am taken aback.

In the end I said that I think we can work things out, but I respect her need for some space at the moment. So she is likely going to stay with a friend from work for an undetermined amount of time. Leaving the dog with me because of the space, a dog we both love like a child. I still have some hope because I know this girl loved me dearly, truly thinking I was the one for her in life, the feeling was and is mutual. I just was taken aback by all of this. To add icing on the cake, I have a job interview in 1.5 days for a promotion. It's seems impossible to think about preparing for it after all of this happening. I don't understand why we went townhouse hunting and moved into a new place when she was having these feelings building up.

I feel like this could have been avoided if we both opened up to each other more over the past 6 months to a year. I don't know what to do and how to proceed. This is by far by best and longest relationship ever. I truly believe this girl to be the love of my life, but I'm not sure she feels the same anymore.

Can anyone offer any advice? I am completely devastated and lost.

[ken007nielsen]

Hello

When a couple have been together for an amount of time, it get's easier to neglect the relationship. And in your words that's exactly what has been done, nothing to do about that now.

Now we need to focus on the present and the future;
When a person feels that his or her life isent all it could be, he/she starts flirting with the idea that perhaps I need something that I can't get as my life is now. So they are looking to change out the life and more often than not they focus on the relationship as being the problem. (in my experience)

You mentioned that you just recently moved into a new apartment, that's quite a change in ones life - that also can be a participating factor in why the sudden 'break' that she wants now.


All you can really do from now on is let her know what you feel if you haven't already, give her the space she want's and start concentrating on your own life. That possible promotion you were speaking about is a great way to spend your time so that you can 'try' to get your mind of her.

Keep yourself occupied, keep your distance.

[shahu]

As a girl, I feel that she might like some one else which she is not mentioning, because its happening with me to, you just need to show her how much you care and love her, if the case is about liking some one then she is just confused, most of the time girls find the new guy caring for her, which is totally a big lie, try to bring back to normal, like soeme things you used to do before which she really liked a lot, :)...

This is just a suggestion and it might not be the case here, but I hope it works...

[kreeshol]

Thanks for both of your responses. Ken007nielsen: Yeah I think she is not sure about her life and is unhappy about that, wanting to change things, I guess that includes me. I will indeed keep some distance, as she is moving out today, but it will be hard to do completely because my working hours prohibit me from being able taking to take care of the dog sometimes, so she will have to come and feed her etc. sometime. As for focusing on the possible promotion, well, I am trying, but the interview is tomorrow and I'm still quite taken by all of this.

Shahu: You could be right, I'm not sure. She could have her sights on someone for all I know, but I am fairly confident that she is not actively cheating on me. Not sure what I can really do about it I guess.

[talaniman]

Relax guy, and see what happens in a few weeks, she may miss you. Especially since the dog is still there, and her half of the rent is due on the first of the month, right? So get your head in order and focus on handling your business. I would leave her alone for a while for sure. Then maybe you won't do or say anything you will regret later. She left, and has to come back without your influence.

[shahu]

I guess time is all she needs, she is not fully accepting the new area may be, you need to give her more time and make her feel that you are the same, she might think that you are changing because you can't give her enough time... I wish the best for u 2...

[kreeshol]

Shahu: You were absolutely right about there being someone else, as there tends to be in such situations it seems. She hasn't cheated, at least physically, but she certainly has started to have feelings for another guy, and seems to be torn between us. Not sure what to do. Given human psychology, I'm entirely optimistic because newer relationships always have more spark than ones as old as 4 years. We have a lot of history, and love each other, and she did want to marry me, but new passion can turn a logical mind to mush sometimes. We shall see I guess. She left me a letter this morning going into more detail about how lost she is, and may be making the biggest mistake of her life, also mentioning how she doesn't know if she can left go of me, but needs time alone and maybe time to explore other options. She also went on to say that maybe it's her who is now scared of marriage and kids etc.

Talaniman: Yeah your right. I do need to move on a bit and set my focus elsewhere, though it is truly hard. No one wants to come back to a sobbing mess, but at the same time, I don't want to come off like I don't care. Tricky line. Though I can't ignore all of this, I have been trying to focus on my upcoming weekend with friends out of town.

[kreeshol]

Well a week and 2 days have passed and here is the current situation. A day after telling me she wants a break, she tells me that we need to break up. I of course pleaded with her that I intent to make some positive changes and promised to be more open with her, but she said after dating me for 4 years, she doesn't think I can truly change; though, she did say that I have come a long way in that 2 day period. I feel like I have lost her trust. I told her that I had been thinking a lot about marriage that year, and she said that maybe bringing marriage and kids into this situation would not work and make it worse, she also mentioned about it wasn't good timing for a lot of things that had happened with us, sadly. She also talked about how she didn't know if I could protect her, perhaps due to me not being alpha male enough in confronting guys hitting on her. In the end, she said that she was tired of trying and waiting with me, that I am stuck in my ways and that maybe we got too comfortable with the way things were and that we were no longer compatible, citing that maybe she want to be with someone who works with animals like she does (referring to the co-worker she has started to like). She also said that sometimes it takes drastic events to put things into perspective. She asked about still staying with me, I told her she can't continue to live with me if she is going to break it with me and date other people( she wouldn't be able to afford half of the rent anyway). She said she could stay with friends for now. She apparently told others that she took this as me kicking her out of her house, feeling homeless. I told her after hearing that, that she could sleep here if needed, that I didn't want to worry about her having a place to sleep until she gets situated else ware. So she has been sleeping here during my night shift nights. And tonight, a night off, she is staying in a hotel, to give me space I guess? So it seems like she might hate me for asking her stay somewhere else, even though I recanted it.

After that breakup, about 3 days after it and about 4 days ago from today, while I was out of town spending time with close friends, I called her a bit emotional, trying to figure things out, likely coming off as clingy and desperate. She basically said that currently, there was no chance for us, that I could not win her back, because everything I'm doing now is not genuine and is likely due to desperation. And she kept saying things like, "You have a lot going for you, you will find someone else." And about how it will get better as time passes. A lot of other things came out too, about how she said she didn't tell me she was unhappy because I was too hard to talk too. I admit that I can be a bit stoic, but she never really tried to tell me about any of this. It was also mentioned that she had thought that our relationship hasn't been going anywhere for 8 months; though, well enough to sign a year lease on a new townhouse 2 months ago? She just thought things would change. I guess I was supposed to read her mind, because I didn't notice a decent change in behavior until about 1 month ago. Perhaps this was due to developing feelings for a co-worker. One of the 3 people she works with that have expressed attraction to her. One got to her I guess.

I have talked to many people about all of this, friends and family, and have received mixed ideas. A couple of people I know, and most of the internet, say to leave her alone and let the chips fall where they may. Saying that I need to give her time to miss me if I want any chance, because she wants a strong independent man, and that I need to show her that I can make it without her. I can see this, but given my ex's past, she very may well cling to the next guy she has feelings for, and maybe even more, forget about me due to the sour ending. I know they say most rebounds don't last, but hers have lasted a while in the past. I also had a friend tell me that if I think she's worth fighting for, that I really do love her, then fight for her, but to be prepared for pain. Not sure what that meant, meaning do it now or later?

Talking to my mother about things, she had mentioned that it may be worth it to try and prove to her that I can change, by actually buying an engagement ring and asking her to marry me, since she has always been wanting to so bad before, and I have been thinking a lot about it this year. Perhaps that step would prove to her that I have the capability of romance and change. That was, as she said it, her female perspective. She says this because my ex mentioned that she felt like we had progressed to roommates who just have sex due to my lack of expressing my feelings. She said that at this point, I had nothing to lose, like the worst that could happen is she say no and I would still be in the same boat. Which I can see that might be true, but I could also see that it might push her away more, to the point of no-return (which it may already be). I also fear she may group this with the desperation of 4 days ago, just my male perspective.

So now I lie at a crossroads. I have to decide what to do. She will likely be moving on to a new place within the next 1-4 days. Would handing her a ring prove to her I have what it takes? Or will it push her away? Or will it do nothing? And if I don't do that, do I agree with her decision and agree it was the right thing and hope to prove to her that I changed down the road (I am genuinely taking steps to change, therapy etc)? I know that I can't talk her into believing me anymore. So it's either take chances on the cliché ring proposal, or play off the letting her go decision.

I could, as before, really use some sound advice right now.

[kreeshol]

Hello,

I posted on here about 8 days ago, about how my girlfriend wanted a break. A lot has happened since then and my question has since been buried a few pages back. I wanted to present this in a new question post so that I can get some feedback, because I'm at a huge crossroad, bigger than before. So if you want the original background to this question, my last one was listed as: My Girlfriend of 4 years wants a break. So here it goes:


Well a week and 2 days have passed and here is the current situation. A day after telling me she wants a break, she tells me that we need to break up. I of course pleaded with her that I intent to make some positive changes and promised to be more open with her, but she said after dating me for 4 years, she doesn't think I can truly change; though, she did say that I have come a long way in that 2 day period. I feel like I have lost her trust. I told her that I had been thinking a lot about marriage that year, and she said that maybe bringing marriage and kids into this situation would not work and make it worse, she also mentioned about it wasn't good timing for a lot of things that had happened with us, sadly. She also talked about how she didn't know if I could protect her, perhaps due to me not being alpha male enough in confronting guys hitting on her. In the end, she said that she was tired of trying and waiting with me, that I am stuck in my ways and that maybe we got too comfortable with the way things were and that we were no longer compatible, citing that maybe she want to be with someone who works with animals like she does (referring to the co-worker she has started to like). She also said that sometimes it takes drastic events to put things into perspective. She asked about still staying with me, I told her she can't continue to live with me if she is going to break it with me and date other people( she wouldn't be able to afford half of the rent anyway). She said she could stay with friends for now. She apparently told others that she took this as me kicking her out of her house, feeling homeless. I told her after hearing that, that she could sleep here if needed, that I didn't want to worry about her having a place to sleep until she gets situated else ware. So she has been sleeping here during my night shift nights. And tonight, a night off, she is staying in a hotel, to give me space I guess? So it seems like she might hate me for asking her stay somewhere else, even though I recanted it.

After that breakup, about 3 days after it and about 4 days ago from today, while I was out of town spending time with close friends, I called her a bit emotional, trying to figure things out, likely coming off as clingy and desperate. She basically said that currently, there was no chance for us, that I could not win her back, because everything I'm doing now is not genuine and is likely due to desperation. And she kept saying things like, "You have a lot going for you, you will find someone else." And about how it will get better as time passes. A lot of other things came out too, about how she said she didn't tell me she was unhappy because I was too hard to talk too. I admit that I can be a bit stoic, but she never really tried to tell me about any of this. It was also mentioned that she had thought that our relationship hasn't been going anywhere for 8 months; though, well enough to sign a year lease on a new townhouse 2 months ago? She just thought things would change. I guess I was supposed to read her mind, because I didn't notice a decent change in behavior until about 1 month ago. Perhaps this was due to developing feelings for a co-worker. One of the 3 people she works with that have expressed attraction to her. One got to her I guess.

I have talked to many people about all of this, friends and family, and have received mixed ideas. A couple of people I know, and most of the internet, say to leave her alone and let the chips fall where they may. Saying that I need to give her time to miss me if I want any chance, because she wants a strong independent man, and that I need to show her that I can make it without her. I can see this, but given my ex's past, she very may well cling to the next guy she has feelings for, and maybe even more, forget about me due to the sour ending. I know they say most rebounds don't last, but hers have lasted a while in the past. I also had a friend tell me that if I think she's worth fighting for, that I really do love her, then fight for her, but to be prepared for pain. Not sure what that meant, meaning do it now or later?

Talking to my mother about things, she had mentioned that it may be worth it to try and prove to her that I can change, by actually buying an engagement ring and asking her to marry me, since she has always been wanting to so bad before, and I have been thinking a lot about it this year. Perhaps that step would prove to her that I have the capability of romance and change. That was, as she said it, her female perspective. She says this because my ex mentioned that she felt like we had progressed to roommates who just have sex due to my lack of expressing my feelings. She said that at this point, I had nothing to lose, like the worst that could happen is she say no and I would still be in the same boat. Which I can see that might be true, but I could also see that it might push her away more, to the point of no-return (which it may already be). I also fear she may group this with the desperation of 4 days ago, just my male perspective.

So now I lie at a crossroads. I have to decide what to do. She will likely be moving on to a new place within the next 1-4 days. Would handing her a ring prove to her I have what it takes? Or will it push her away? Or will it do nothing? And if I don't do that, do I agree with her decision and agree it was the right thing and hope to prove to her that I changed down the road (I am genuinely taking steps to change, therapy etc)? I know that I can't talk her into believing me anymore. So it's either take chances on the cliché ring proposal, or play off the letting her go decision.

I could, as before, really use some sound advice right now.

[talaniman]

Tell her she has to make other sleeping arrangements, and right now you need a clean break from her. Give her a timetable, SHORT, and let her get her act together. You are thinking of two many excuses as to why her feelings have changed when the handwriting is on the wall clearly.

You main focus is getting her away from you and figuring out what to do about the dog. Dude, she is a big girl, and can make her own decisions, and pay the consequences of her actions, and you need to act like a big boy, and get a life without her in it.

Don't drag this out because of pity, false hope, or old feelings. And forget the ring. Are you crazy? She doesn't care if YOU care any more, she just wants out, and she needs to be let out. Give her what she wants. You have officially been dumped, so why keep suffering while she does her thing at your expense.

[amicon]

Ring?
No.
Leave her alone and let those chips fall.
Let her sort out her business and concentrate on mourning,healing and moving on with your own life.

[kreeshol]

Threads merged.



Hello all,

Some of you might remember my previous post weeks ago about my GF of 4 years leaving me. So now I have a question about giving my ex-girlfriend something. I am considering giving her a mixtape(or CD I guess since it's not 1988 anymore :)). Not sure what I would put on it yet, perhaps stuff like Tom Petty - You Got Lucky, Blink 182 - Dammit, and maybe Chicago - If you leave me now, you know, stuff to get the point across. (Quick back story: She left me for another man, citing she changed and I cannot, never once citing problems she had with us, dumping it all on me at once as she walked away, used to want to marry me but I dragged my feet, she has a big issue with communicating feelings to loved ones as well as being independent) . I do not expect to win her back with this, just trying to express myself outside of my own words. I know she is far too stubborn to be swayed back to me by anything I do or say. I may or may not couple this with a letter or a conversation about how I feel, with the goal of expressing myself after a lack of communication, to gain some closure. Any thoughts as to how this may be received? Is this a good idea, or perhaps, will it come off as weak and desperate? Never made a post-breakup mix, and can't seem to find any other opinions on the net as of yet.

Thanks.

[Wondergirl]

You will come off as weak and spiteful, and she won't give a rip. I'm guessing she will dump it into the trash without ever listening to it.

Why are you doing this to yourself??

[kreeshol]

Perhaps you're right. Thinking about it more, I think I still want to make the mixtape, but perhaps keep it to myself and/or close friends; though, I'm not sure I'm afraid of being a bit spiteful at this point, though weakness is something I need to avoid, since she already believes me too passive to protect her (she's crazy). Something soothing about knowing others out there have experienced similar loss by listening to music, but it certainly doesn't bury the pain. It really is amazing how many songs I never paid attention to before deal with love loss, seems like most are about the topic.
I still will likely talk to her though, confront her about how her serial monogamy is ludicrous, as well as her lack of communication to the point of boiling over feelings into rash decisions. Certainly will not change her mind, but after 4 years, and planning to spend the rest of our lives together at one point, I owe her and myself that much honesty I think.

[Wondergirl]

You haven't told her any of this yet?

[answerme_tender]

Of course you are expecting a reaction from her. Sorry, but it hasn't been long enough to let go of the "HOPE" yet. We all know what its like to wonder if you do this or do that that the person you are still in love with will come back to you.

Its time to stop playing the " IF" game and move on with your life. Only time will ease the pain and hurt that you are feeling. You will have to force yourself to stay busy with any activity that doesn't remind you of her. Get out with friends or family.

[Fr_Chuck]

You also need to stop feeling sorry for yourself, listen to songs about finding new love, listen to songs about things getting better. And no you don't talk and you most certainly don't confront her.

And no you don't owe her anything, and she does not owe you a thing at this point and time.

What you need to do, is just stop even considering talking with her or having any contact. If you are friends on face book, unfriend, if you are on other online communities with her, stop.

[Cat1864]

Closure comes from within yourself not from someone else.

I agree that it would look weak and spiteful.

If you want to make a CD, why not make one for yourself of songs that help you feel stronger and able to move on.

What songs would you put on a CD for yourself? What helps you think of looking forward instead of backward?

[kreeshol]

Cat1864/FR_Chuck: Good point, but sadly, our music interests are very intertwined, and many like are about love, so that negative connection in music is hard to avoid sadly.

FR_Chuck: No contact is not an option at this point. We have a dog together, and she needs to feed it when I'm at work, so we need to coordinate that, as well as her getting her stuff out of the townhouse that we both share a lease with (though I kicked her out cause I pay rent). I run into her once a week, she asks me if I'm OK and how I'm doing etc. I am making a point to gain power over when she can come by to see the dog to avoid that contact though, can't legally ask her for keys yet, esp with the dog feeding.

answerme_tender: I see friends when I can, but they are 3 hours away. All I had where I live now was her and my dog, all other I knew were through her job. Fairly new to the area as we moved out her together. So loneliness has been an issue.

Wondergirl: I have told her some things, but in passing, and not in detail.

[Fr_Chuck]

Give her the dog, or buy it off her, you don't need a dog together