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HotHoneyVintage · Jul 31, 2011, 02:16 AM

I would like to get some sound advice if I can and hope this doesn't turn into a joke. Hello. I'm a 31 year old American female. I am a reserved person but talkative and funny when I really get to know someone. I have never been on a date or had a boyfriend. Guys mostly ignore me, passing me over for other girls including my female friends or if they do come on to me it's sexually motivated at a bar or something. I am mostly a loner these days anyway. I would like to get over my fear of intimate touching and sex. I have an EXTREME phobia of these things. When I try to imagine someone doing these things it is uncomfortable for me. I do not have a problem with porn (because I can shut it off at will and it doesn't actually involve me). I would like to try and date, but I get overly anxious around men I find attractive and don't know what to do. I am in therapy with my 4th therapist and on a medication for anxiety disorder/depression. My depression does seem to be improving but the therapy doesn't seem to work about my sexual issues no matter who I have :(. I am unable to allow myself to even get a gynecological exam -- let alone be nude and touched for sexual purposes. I feel at a dead end in life and like there really is nothing I can do anymore. But it makes me sad -- because I would like to have relationships with men like other women my age, maybe even get married. But common sense tells me men do not want someone who has problems with intimate touching and sex. Is it probably better for me just to forget it and accept the way I am? If so, how can I do this? Thank you.

JudyKayTee · Jul 31, 2011, 08:30 AM

When did this phobia start? Were you abused as a child (or young adult)?

HotHoneyVintage · Jul 31, 2011, 01:09 PM

Yes I was molested by another child when young and also forced into oral sex when a teen by some guy. I guess my reluctance and fears of men started shortly after that. I didn't think they are connected though...

JudyKayTee · Jul 31, 2011, 04:18 PM

I was an adult victim of rape. I think your fears/phobias ARE connected with the abuse.

Have you ever talked to anyone about the abuse?

Wondergirl · Jul 31, 2011, 04:57 PM

Why doesn't therapy work when it comes to your sexual and abuse issues? Do you clam up and change the subject?

Synnen · Aug 1, 2011, 05:46 AM

I am absolutely POSITIVE that your early sexual abuse is the PRIMARY reason you are having issues with intimacy.

What does your therapist say about it?

JudyKayTee · Aug 1, 2011, 06:26 AM

I will add that I have trust issues because of the rape. Is the problem (perhaps) that you have difficulty trusting someone enough to discuss the trauma with them?

HotHoneyVintage · Aug 3, 2011, 01:38 PM

Judy and others -- I told my therapist about this situation but we don't talk about it. I have a hard time talking about it because of embarrassment talking about sex/intimacy to begin with. We mostly work on CBT style and changing negative thoughts etc. She's a nice lady but it doesn't seem like even if we just sat there and talked about it, I could change feeling the way I do. At this point seems, like I said, a dead end. :(

HotHoneyVintage · Aug 3, 2011, 01:39 PM

It doesn't work IMO because no matter what someone tells me about this, it doesn't change my fear. Maybe there is no hope, no matter what I do.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 3, 2011, 01:43 PM

There are specialist who work with sexual issues, and often the therapy for it, will go in another direction, Ask if they can help you with it, I will agree talking about it is often hard, but opening up and being honest about it can help.

Also at times you will need a partner who you are wanting to be close to and have sex, in that, often they can work with couples and have exercises and things to help one get used to it.

But of course since a female exam is a must, you need to get with your therapist and work that out, Is it a issue with a female doctor ?

Synnen · Aug 3, 2011, 01:48 PM

If your therapist is NOT exploring this with you after you have mentioned that it is a problem, then you need to bring it to the forefront as a bigger problem than you originally thought.

Of COURSE it's embarrassing to talk about. Part of your therapist's JOB is to help you get past that.

If she's not doing her JOB, I'd fire her and find someone who DOES do their job.

HotHoneyVintage · Aug 3, 2011, 02:04 PM

Hello,

I have looked into a sex therapist but I live in a small suburban town on the east coast. They are all either out of my area or don't accept my very limited insurance. I like my therapist and prefer not to switch, because I don't have very many options to begin with. As far as a partner that's laughable -- I don't have a partner and haven't ever been close to having one, let alone attend therapy with one... the female exam I have talked to a female doctor and she has said she could prescribe me something for relaxation prior. It doesn't seem to matter because I just can't seem to suck it up, get used to the idea being personally invaded (regardless of the short time period) and get the exam. I have decided against getting one at all unfortunately. TY.

Synnen · Aug 3, 2011, 02:51 PM

Not getting an exam is risking your life.

Even without a sexual partner, there are a lot of issues that can be discovered and resolved with a PAP Smear and physical examination--cervical cancer, for one.

This is an issue affecting ALL areas of your life, and you owe it to yourself to bring it to the forefront with your therapist to try to resolve it.

HotHoneyVintage · Aug 3, 2011, 03:04 PM

Yes, I am educated and know the risks of cancer and not getting a gyno exam... so how do I approach the subject to her then? We have not been talking about sex/sexuality, at all. I told her about the gyno exam and she sympathized and told me she understands if I can't do it because of the touching issues and that was it. She knows I don't date and never had sex. I assume she thinks why bring it up, if it's not currently 'active' in my life. Also, I am dealing with a family emergency (sick parent) so frankly, it would be coming out of nowehre basically.

Synnen · Aug 3, 2011, 03:08 PM

Well, you brought it up to US that it's important to you to resolve.

It's probably a good idea to bring it up with your therapist at SOME point that your intimacy issues are affecting all areas of your life--from dating to your health--and you're concerned enough to ask to address it soon.

Because it DOES affect all areas of your life, you should be addressing your intimacy issues in relation to other areas of your therapy anyway.

JudyKayTee · Aug 4, 2011, 07:39 AM

Your Therapist should be discussing all of your issues, not picking and chosing.

Also Synnen said "At times" and you responded with "As far as a partner that's laughable -- I don't have a partner and haven't ever been close to having one, let alone attend therapy with one."

She didn't mean today or tomorrow, and I don't find her comment to be laughable.

HotHoneyVintage · Aug 4, 2011, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Your Therapist should be discussing all of your issues, not picking and chosing.

Also Synnen said "At times" and you responded with "As far as a partner that's laughable -- I don't have a partner and haven't ever been close to having one, let alone attend therapy with one."

She didn't mean today or tomorrow, and I don't find her comment to be laughable.

Obviously I don't find the topic to be funny either. I wasn't suggesting her comment was laughable to me but that the IDEA of what she said about having a partner when I have never been in that situation nor in the ball park of it. It was more a joke to myself than it was aimed at her. Also, I knew she didn't mean 'today' tomorrow' etc. but in the future should it ever happen. I feel you both answered the question already with advice, so we can just leave it at that. Take care.