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Ameritech1 · Jul 28, 2011, 12:14 PM

Just wondered if I'm in the wrong or is she right? I am a widow and have been raising my now 22 year old daughter. She has this boyfriend that is an airline pilot and he really doesn't act like he really cares for her. He didn't txt or emails my daughter for a month or two. She didn't hear anything from him and then she jumped him for not emailing her or texting her. He was supposed to come over Memorial Day and stay for 2 or 3 days. He txt her and told her that his plans has changed and he had to work then we found out he was at his parents' house in Ill. My daughter asked him why he didn't stop buy on his way home and he just said that price of gas was so high that he didn't have the money. He was going by our town on the way to his parents' house. Now he wants her to go to TX to see him. He said she would fly free since he works for the airlines. I told her that, her boyfriend doesn't sound like he really cares for her and the way the world is today that it's not safe for a young girl to fly or take a trip by them. I told her why you are running to him when he didn't go out of his way to see you when he was going home that time. She says that I don't let her grow up but I told her that she is the only thing I have left and I don't want anything to happen to her. And I feel like that guy really don't think anything about her since he didn't and don't come to her to see her. What's wrong with my daughters thinking? She gets so mad at me for not approving of her going to see him. I told her that it isn't right for her to stay with him because I didn't want her to get pregnant either. She said that she wasn't going to have sex because she has already told him she wanted to wait until she got married before she wanted to have sex. I know that harmony is there. I don't want to accuse her but I'm not stupid. My daughter gets so mad at me and she always turns everything around and blames me for everything. If something goes wrong then she tells me that I should have been a parent and shouldn't have let her do whatever. I just know if something happens she will say that to me again. But if I tell her she shouldn't go she will be mad at me too. So now win situation. What should I tell her about going to see her boyfriend?

smoothy · Jul 28, 2011, 12:34 PM

You are seeing him for what he is... she is the one that's not.

If she isn't actually sleeping with him now I'd be surprised... she's acting like she is. And he's acting like she's his "booty call".

Huge red flags waving over the "you can fly here free".

If he isn't sleeping with her yet... he would get her in a situation she is likely to submit. But her actions tell me they already are.

I would not let her if she was my daughter... she's going to be upset... she's going to be stomping around. Because she is in heat and isn't going to listen to reason. Not yet anyway.

Wish I had some magic words that would make it all go away... but I don't. If she doesn't have a full time job yet, its time she got one. Nothing better at imposing some maturity on an immature youth than work.

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 12:36 PM

She's 22. She's not a "young girl." Why is she still living at home?

joypulv · Jul 28, 2011, 12:51 PM

You ARE both in a no win situation, because you are not letting her be an adult and make her own mistakes and learn, and she isn't getting away from your apron strings because it's convenient for her to live with you and put up with your mothering. Of course if she is living with you, you are going to be all tangled up in her life and loves. It's impossible. She has to be on her own. You have to tto, for her sake, if not for your own. Take courses, get a job, volunteer, raise animals, sew quilts, join a book club. Let her be an adult now or it will be worse later.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 28, 2011, 12:58 PM

You can just sit back and watch, trying to force her will only make her fight back

Ameritech1 · Jul 28, 2011, 03:03 PM

But if I let her make a mistake she blames me and says I should have been a parent and stop her.

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by Ameritech1

But if I let her make a mistake she blames me and says I should of been a parent and stop her.

No, that's a cop-out. Your parenting time is finished. You taught her the right way to handle her life, so now it's her turn to use those tools you gave her. Don't let her send you on guilt trips.

Ameritech1 · Jul 28, 2011, 03:11 PM

She does this all the time and always turns the situation around and blames me. She also has to have the last word. I think s

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 03:18 PM

Originally Posted by Ameritech1

She does this all the time and always turns the situation around and blames me. She also has to have the last word. I think s

Ignore her. Don't argue. Time for her to find a new place to live and learn how to be on her own.

Ameritech1 · Jul 28, 2011, 03:20 PM

I think deep down she knows he is just using her. He is a total bum. I told her when he was here all they did was lay on the sofa and watch movies. She said he didn't have any money . I said why then is he even dating you. She said that she would pay and drive sometimes because she felt sorry for him driving to our house and using all his gas . I told here a guy is to wine and dine you. I just give up

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 03:23 PM

Originally Posted by Ameritech1

I think deep down she knows he is just using her. He is a total bum. I told her when he was here all they did was lay on the sofa and watch movies. She said he didnt have any money . I said why then is he even dating you. She said that she would pay and drive sometimes because she felt sorry for him driving to our house and using all his gas . I told here a guy is to wine and dine you. I just give up

Right there you made far too many judgments. It's none of your business. She's an adult.

jenniepepsi · Jul 28, 2011, 03:40 PM

You are not 'raising' a daughter any more. You have RAISED her. Its time to let her be her own adult. Back off, let her make her own mistakes. So he is using her. Its none ofyou business. She will find out herself and when she does it will still be her decision to continue or not with him. She will either put up with it (or enjoy it for all you know) or she will see it as a mistake and learn from it.

You cannot protect and over rule her for her whole life. I am sure it is hard, and I am not looking forward to that with my own child, but it is something you must do.

But what you CAN do, is encourage her to find employment or go to school, get her own place, and encourage her to get started on her own life (do not do it FOR her, encourage her)

And for you I would suggeset involving yourself in some activity. Find a group of your peers that meet for bunco, or some other game, or even a support group for mothers letting their adult children go. Join a class at a community center, get involved in YOUR OWN life, because it sounds like your life is still revolving around your child, which is a wonderful thing, when they are children. But when they are adults its time to let go.

Good luck.

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

i am not looking forward to that with my own child

I hope I'm still around so I can make sure you let go. :D

joypulv · Jul 28, 2011, 03:46 PM

You aren't showing any signs of giving up. You keep telling stories about HIM. You and she are part and parcel of this whole entanglement. Not blaming you at all! Or her either. Widow with only child. It's easy for us to sit here and preach, when most of us have stories to tell too.

Just do the best you know how and try to say this: at least she isn't face down in a ditch with a needle in her arm. Hug her and give her a big smooch and laugh and say, live and learn.

jenniepepsi · Jul 28, 2011, 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I hope I'm still around so I can make sure you let go. :D

I hope so too lol. It will probably be just as hard as it is for others

Cat1864 · Jul 28, 2011, 06:05 PM

As the owner of the home she is living in, you set the rules for your house. She lives by them or she finds other accommodations. Your rules can include her getting a job and/or keep a certain number of class hours. You can include rules on chores, visitors, etc. You can say no sex in your house. Remember to be reasonable about what you require of her and that some flexibility is generally a good idea.

However, you cannot set rules for her to follow outside your house. She is an adult. She needs to act like one. If she wants to play games with this man, it is not your place to stop her. You can explain why you are worried (and I would put the reasons in writing and have her sign and date it), but she has to make her own decisions. If it turns out as badly as it sounds like it will, when she comes back with what you should have done, hand her the list and say 'I told you so' in a firm and clear voice.

I, personally, think you should sit down with her and discuss the changes to the boundaries between you. Be clear that you are backing off and letting her live her own life. Make certain that she understands she is now responsible for her own messes and you will not listen to any sentence including the phrase '... but you should have... ' Give her a list of any rules you decide to implement and when you are implementing them. Let her decide if she wants to find another place to live or if she is going to abide by the rules. Compromise only if she doesn't play 'guilt trip' games and you are okay with the compromise. She throws a tantrum-all rules stick.

Let her make her choices and live her life. It is time for you to live your life and make choices that benefit you. Good luck.

Ameritech1 · Jul 28, 2011, 08:34 PM

I would like to thank everyone who wrote me and give me advice. I really appricate it so much. I have tried to bring my daughter up right and show her right from wrong. But I know that I have to let her make her own mistakes so she can learn from them. But, sometimes I don't interfear with her deistions and she cames up with "Why don't you act like a parent" and why did you let me do that. No matter what I do she always turns the blame on me. Like she never does anything wrong. I guess I will have to say "Whatever". It's kind of scary these days to see your only daughter wanting to go to another State to see a guy that you know doesn't show any affection for your daughter and see she is making a big mistake. Plus when people are coming up missing more and more these days. I love my daughter and when my husband passed away I had a hard time dealing with his passing. We had a great relationship and loved each other so much. My daughter is the only thing I have left and I don't want to lose her. I know I should think possitive and nothing would happen to her but this world is so evil and too many crazy people out there running loose. I could understand better if this guy showed some interest or some kind of affection toward my daughter but oh well. Thank you again I sure appricate all the input.

Wondergirl · Jul 28, 2011, 08:49 PM

I have great faith that you will do your best with her and not go on those guilt trips.

I have two sons, 36 and 40. I would not want to be dealing with them as young adults in today's world. And the fact that they are male makes not a bit of difference.

Be sure to visit us again and report how things are going with your new tough-love attitude. And stick around to help other folks!

Tinkerbell2004 · Jul 29, 2011, 01:43 AM

From the mouth of a 22 year old girl (me):

My mom always tried to tell me what to do and what people were like and of course I always thought I knew better than she did. We would fight constantly and we would both just end up hurting our relationship. The only way for your children to realize what people are really like is to let them make their own mistakes. I learned from my mistakes and now have a new respect for the advice my mom tries to give me.

Needless to say, your daughter will never learn that this guy is useless unless she can find out for herself. The only thing that will happen if you try to stop her from going to see him is she will resent you for trying to control her life. As hard as it may be, you can't always protect her because then she will never learn to read people by herself and will keep ending up with no good guys.

smoothy · Jul 29, 2011, 04:46 AM

What MY parents did was tell me when you are out of OUR house... and have your own and supporting yourself. You can make your own decisions. And if you make some stupid ones you have been warned about... YOU will have to live with them because as parents we don't and can't fix everything, and even if we can we won't always. Some things can't be undone.

Now at 22 I had already been to college and graduated from it and had been on my own.

When you are on your own... having to pay rent, Utilities, food, insurance and everything that goes with living on your own... you think twice before wasting money or your scarce time off for dumb things.

Ultimately she is going to have to see he's a worthless lump with her own eyes if she is to believe it. But she is also going to have to act like an adult and get her own place, instead of mooching off you. Until she does... she's going to act like an impetulant teenager. Right now she has few if any adult responsibilities... and thus she has time to waste on losers like this guy.