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plockwood · Jul 25, 2011, 02:29 PM

My husband passed away 1 1/2 years of horrific brain cancer... he was bed ridden the last 8 months of his life... We had a great marriage and relationship for 30 years... I am now dating someone who I am in love with... Ever since my husband's death, I've had this reoccuring nightmare that my husband did not actually die... even though he is alive, he is not well... sometimes he is in certain forms of decay, but he is alive and well... During this dream I have to chose between my boyfriend, whom I love, or my beloved husband, whom I know will need a lot of care, because of his condition... In the dream I know I have to chose my husband because it is the right thing to do, even though I am in love with someone else,who is healthy and vibrant... it's very disturbing and leaves me upset and unsettled for days.. please help... I know I took excellent care of my husband, who was disabled mentally and physically... so why am I having these nightmares...

talaniman · Jul 25, 2011, 05:31 PM

You have not let go yet. Maybe its to soon, and you feel guilty for moving on so quickly. Hard to let go of something you had for 30 years.

DaniCalifornia · Jul 31, 2011, 01:01 AM

I'm only really commenting here to tell you my heart goes out to you darling. I bet that was difficult to deal with.

The reason we dream is because subsonsciously things are on our mind. I would agree that you're possibly not over it.

Don't be scared you're doing the wrong thing. Your husband would want you to be happy.

X Dani G

redhed35 · Jul 31, 2011, 03:21 AM

You went through a very difficult time nursing your husband and then watching him die, that leaves a mark, a mark that will never go away.

It takes time to come to terms with the loss and I'm betting in those dark days you never thought you would find love again, but you have and that's a good thing, you deserve happiness.

Loving another man does not mean you love your husband any less, notice I say love not loved, because I'm sure you still love him.

Some people find talking to a grief counsellor helpful, others don't, if you feel your ready and want to talk to someone perhaps your ready now to face that time and heal.

Your dreams are not uncommon and many others can relate, taking time to examine those dreams and what they mean to you is important to bring the message into your conscious mind and dealing with the feelings they are causing.

The mind is an amazing thing,often after the death of a loved one we cannot remember whole sequence of events around that time until we are ready to deal with it, maybe now your dreams are indictating that you are ready to deal with an aspect of that time.

Writing out the dream in as much detail as you can may be helpful or drawing a picture of the dream,write down the feelings of everyone involved in the dream beside the figures, you may wonder how can you possible know the feelings of others in your dream, the thing is its YOUR dream, YOU place the feelings on those people, the purpose of this exercise is for you to see how your feeling in the dream and then work out why, surprisingly the answer is often staring you in the face, then you can start understanding and accepting the dream and start moving forwards.

JudyKayTee · Jul 31, 2011, 06:25 AM

I think you are conflicted, perhaps feel guilty on some level, perhaps it's survivor's guilt. I'm a widow who remarried - my husband was a widower. We've both faced the various issues involved when you lose your partner.

My suggestion? Face your dreams when you're awake - sort out things, perhaps with someone who will listen to you, come to terms with the situation when you're awake.

The dreams will go away.