[temperance]

Hello.

My situation is a bit complex so I will try to make it brief. I met my ex almost 4 years ago. Do to many reasons we did not see each other for almost a year after that initial meeting. Then we reconnected and instantaneously clicked. We both felt as if we had found our best friend/partner. We 'clicked' on an intellectual level, loved spending time together and cared very deeply for each other. He knew I was going through a difficult time, and was so very good at being there for me, as I was for him. He called often, took me out to give me a bit of fun each week, sent me cute emails and wrote the most lovely IM's. We did see each other often.

Within 4 months, we were practically living together and eventually were. After 2 1/2 years of living together, he broke up. He said that he wasn't sure he could be in a relationship given health issues he was facing, even though I had been so supportive. He also felt I had been too smothering and jealous (he has many friends who are girls)... and to be honest I was (operative word being was). He wanted to move away and get well and then see what the future held. He didn't want us to stop loving each other, just put it aside for the time being. He left and spent an unhappy week with a friend and then asked if he could stop by on his way to his parents. He did and stayed far longer then he intended. Before leaving, he officially broke up, but then called a day later to get back together... as he said he had listened to what I had said and wanted to give me a chance to show him that relationships need not be clingy, overwhelming or suffocating. He was gone for 3 months, during which time we talked and kept in contact, and we did have many good talks.

He returned feeling somewhat better health-wise, though we both knew he had a long way to go, and ready to work on us. But there appeared to be a wall up, he wasn't as warm and approachable as he had been. This worried me and made it difficult for me to give him space as I always feared something was wrong. He assured me he was in our relationship for the long haul and wanted it to work, but all he could give me for the time being was commitment... he would be with me and me alone. 2 weeks later he broke up again, but expressed a desire to stay in our home as he really likes both me and our life. He just isn't sure if he is in a place to be with anyone... and no, he isn't dating nor does he want to date others. He is concerned he may be the type of person who cannot be in a relationship, he likes friends and feels that relationships lead to drama that he cannot handle with his health (he is tired chronically, low energy etc.). He went to visit a friend of his for a few days and returned... he only called once during that time to say that he was extending his trip by a day. I had been invited to go along but did not want to be sad nor did I want to visit his friends as the 'ex' when we had last went as a couple.

He stayed in the house in his own space. We continued to get along very well, though he knew and still knows I love him greatly and want so badly to reconcile. We have now been 'broken up' for 8 months. A few months ago he moved back into the bedroom and we currently live together as a couple. Yet, he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone. Neither of us is interested in dating anyone else, so there is no one else involved. I feel that we all but have a relationship and feel that given how good we are together, we should begin again, with the understanding the we would be committed partners, and the emphasis would be on supporting each other as we continue to accomplish what we each need to, rather then my being worried about the status of our relationship. I want to write him a letter to tell him how I feel, as we have tried talking numerous times and it tires him and I think it pushes him away. He wants me to be independent and to focus on myself. He says I have more power over whether we have a future then I know. All of his friends and family are confused over his behavior and feel that we are wonderful together and that he will come back to me fully. That the more time and space I give him the more likely it is he will return.

The problem is that he will be leaving soon to finish medical treatment. Afterward, he will only return if he decides that he wants a relationship with me. The other options available are that he will take a job elsewhere and move me there, he will decide he isn't cut out for a relationship and will live alone, or the unspoken... he will decide that he wants someone other then me and will wait for that. I feel as if the next few weeks to months are all the time I have to get him to see our past in a better light. He has agreed to 'wipe the slate clean' with regard to problems we had, which is good as he emphasized them. What can I do to help him want to return to me? We compliment each other so well, and no one has ever made me feel as young and special, nor has anyone cared about me as much as he. Things fell apart with his illness, and I feel it is wrong to throw a chance at a future away when he is now getting better. If anything, we are more compatible now.

He is the type of guy who likes independent women, time to himself etc. and I know these are areas which I failed a bit. I feel this is it for me... the only time I have to help make things right on my part. I want to write a letter to explain my feelings... but that is proving difficult. I also worry that this will drive him further away as it seems writing letters, contact, phone calls etc. puts pressure on guys. I am a bit of a homebody and my friends are usually very busy, so it isn't easy nor comfortable for me to go out and give him lots of time alone. Please help as this guy is very special to me... I should also add that I have been the sole supporter of us financially since his illness a year ago... and have continued to be through the breakup. He is worried that I think he 'owes me' now. I do not, though I would hope it would endear me to him and show him how much I care. He also may never be able to work full time, though he is resistant to that idea. I worry he will spend years on a quest that may not fully manifest. I have told him I am more than willing to be the main provider and he can work part time and take care of the house or just do the house. I am in this for the long term... irregardless of his health. He thinks, sometimes that I want him ill so he needs me. That is not true. I just want us to be together, as I know how very good it would be. How do I help him see this?

[talaniman]

Wow you sound like a perfect mate to have, and frankly his whole behavior baffles me also. I think you should tell him you have had enough of this confusion and back and forth, and if he wants a committed relationship he must do his part or stop breaking your heart with his waffling. You have a right to know where you stand, so you can work together in the long term or get over him and carry on with your life. 4 years is too long to live in limbo and it doesn't matter what he is going thru. This may not save the relationship, but will allow you peace of mind in the long run. Honestly he sounds like a zip darned fool who has no idea what he has, or wants and maybe YOU leaving him a while will shake him to reality.

[temperance]

I am afraid he finds me more needy then he is comfortable with... at least I was. I tend to be a bit of a cuddle-bug, I like spending time with my partner... I am a bit insecure too, especially given that he relates better to women and has in the past, stayed up late at night chatting with female friends online.

He now believes that if we were back together things would be as they were and he would not have the time to get himself well and more financially independent. I have told him as recently as this morning that we can be together and be independent. I still get so worried about what will happen when he leaves. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but I worry that having me out of sight will take me out of his mind. There must be something/s I can do to help him feel more positive about us and to get him to see that being in a relationship would benefit both of us as we would have support and be able to support each other as best as we are able.

I can't help but think that, given he is a nice fella and that he would not knowingly hurt me, he stays here in a relationship way because he does want to reconcile in time. He will no longer give me hope for a reconciliation as he feels I cling to hope. He wants me to become more independent, forget about 'us' and that this is the only way there will be a chance of us ever being together... this all seems rather silly to me. He claims I ruined the second chance he gave me when he returned, but refuses to acknowledge that his behavior was the catalyst for my worry. He was cold and distant... telling me he wanted things to work and that everything was fine, but not even wanting to give me a hug. It is all so confusing.

[Wildcat21]

How old are the both of you?

4 years is a too long without further commitment.

Somethng is weird here.

[temperance]

We are in our 30's, both well educated but struggling with jobs and finances, both divorced. It is almost as if he wants to be on his own, to feel that he finally has 'arrived' and done so on his own, but he doesn't want to be without me. He likes our home, is comfortable here... he left a few months ago to finish medical treatment, but returned after only a few hours, as he said it felt 'wrong' to go... that it wasn't the right time. We spend much of our day together and still, after everything and all of these years, get along so very well.

I am also concerned that since he has been sick for so very long, he is waiting for the day when he is well... to begin to see what type of life he should have had all along and that he thinks being in a relationship will hinder that and limit his possibilities as he will have to take me into consideration. He told me things in the past to give me hope, and says now that he was only being kind and shouldn't have. Yet he apologies the next day and says he was being mean. Keep in mind we rarely discuss it as he tires easily and doesn't want to discuss us, he just wants us to enjoy the time we have and to get ourselves straightened out.

[talaniman]

What exactly is his condition as I smell a rat.

[temperance]

Nah, no rat. I am trying to keep this rather vague, so let's say a long term, systemic illness that other family members have had.

[talaniman]

Okay, but using an illness as an excuse is not my idea of a good guy, I mean come on, all I'm hearing is you making excuses for him and not much more. Sorry but things don't add up to me. He can chat with his other females on line and ignore his woman, for 4 years?? I ain't buyin' it. Ain't that much sick in the world.

[temperance]

To be fair, and at the risk of sounding like I make excuses, he really isn't talking to a bunch of females all of the time. Usually it is to bounce ideas off other musicians etc. (I am not a musician or writer). He is home most of the time, except for the days he works (he works part time), so the only interaction he has with anyone but me is through the 'net. It isn't a daily thing, and I get more time from him then anyone. We are literally together hours every day, he has lived with me longer then anyone besides his family. I really like the life we have (minus bad finances etc.), I just want to have the commitment from him that it is he and I, exclusive, in a long term relationship. I don't need marriage. While we met 4 years ago, we have only been friends, well best friends and partners for about 3. I merely want to figure out how to get him to want the partner aspect again.

[talaniman]

I merely want to figure out how to get him to want the partner aspect again.

Your right sounds like more excuses. Did you ever consider he would make up his mind if you weren't so there for him. Could it be he has found a good groove and doesn't want it to change. If things are so good and he is there and you looooove him and your life, and you don't need to get marriage, maybe this commitment thing is a fantasy only you want. And what kind of commitment do you need. Are you obsessing over a word, I mean what would it change anyway?? I don't understand what it is you really want. I've been married more than 33 years and I can tell you there are no Guarantees. Why can't you accept what you have? What difference could it make?

[temperance]

What I want is for him to give us a chance again. He keeps telling me that as soon as he is out of debt he is leaving to finish with his doctors (they are across the country and are specialists not found here). From there he is going to begin his life, get his career going, buy a house and then find who he wants to spend his life with and marry her. He doesn't know if he will want that to be me, so I should just go on and do what I need to do for me. Then, he tells me that if I am worried about it, that I have more power over whether he will want me then I realize. He only wants friends now, and we are just friends with benefits, or non-committed partners. We have gotten over the years to where we want the same things... not in all areas of course, but are more similar then in the beginning, so many of the things that caused issues years ago are not longer there. We are good together and have been through things that have broken up marriages etc. yet we are still best friends and by and large, get along.

I want us to have a chance at a relationship, not 'playing' at one. I don't want to feel that I can't hug or touch him. I do anyway from time to time, but he isn't very receptive, though our physical relationship is great. He just isn't cuddly anymore. A year ago we had an opportunity to buy a house and he freaked out over the commitment and now he talks about buying his own when he is settled. It hurts that now that he is thinking more like me in terms of what he wants out of life, he acts as if he doesn't want to be with me... yet he is. Part of me thinks he is trying to see if I can be the relaxed person he wants. He worries that his being here is hard for me given that I love him. I tell him it is at times but that I don't want him to leave and so he stays and talks about how much he likes our home. It is all very confusing. He thinks that given our past, a relationship will weigh him down emotionally, something he doesn't have the strength for. I am different and he is different, and I cannot show him how things would be if he doesn't give me a chance.

[temperance]

Oh... I know there are no guarantees... I was married for far longer than you might think. His best friend told me that if I give my guy space and support him, he will reconcile, but that it might take a while. I know I should be glad that he is here and we are by and large happy... but I can't help but think that he is completely free to be with, sleep with or date anyone he wants to. I know that can happen in any actual relationship as well. I know him well enough to know that he would not cheat if we were together... he would break up first. I have many friends who have been with their sig. other for well over a decade with no marriage or anything. I am fine with that, but I don't like the open nature of this now, even if neither of us are exercising it. We live like a couple, we aren't seeing anyone else nor do either of us want to. If what we have walks and quacks like a proverbial duck, why can we not call it one (in this case a relationship)? That is what I don't understand and what I want him to come to want. He is not your average guy and I don't like playing games anyway. I just want to increase my chances that he will either stay and commit, or leave and come back and commit.

[CAROLINE27]

Wow you sound like a perfect mate to have, and frankly his whole behavior baffles me also. I think you should tell him you have had enough of this confusion and back and forth, and if he wants a commited relationship he must do his part or stop breaking your heart with his waffling. You have a right to know where you stand, so you can work together in the long term or get over him and carry on with your life. 4 years is too long to live in limbo and it doesn't matter what he is going thru. This may not save the relationship, but will allow you peace of mind in the long run. Honestly he sounds like a zip darned fool who has no idea what he has, or wants and maybe YOU leaving him a while will shake him to reality.

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