[abtjeep]

My husband works a whole lot, and he is gone from our home usually 3 weeks out of 4 and works on drilling rigs (oil). He is well compensated and swears that the money is about saving a down payment for a home, and that after we buy a house he will quit. We've been married seven years and he has been working in the oil/gas industry for 6 of those years. He has been away from me a lot and it's been very difficult to get through the absences. We don't have any children and I have a chronic illness (type I diabetes) so we probably never will have children. He says he loves me but I wonder if maybe it's more about having someone who's desperate waiting on him all the time. I wish there was some easy answer to this. He calls daily and doesn't miss holidays with gifts and cards and other stuff, but this past Christmas was especially difficult since I was without him and had to be with not only my family but his too. No one can seem to understand why he stays gone all the time, and every one thinks that he cares about me, but I'm just at my wit's end as to what to do about this. How can you survive in a commuter marriage? I know I'm not the only person whom this is happening to, so what to do?

[poseidon]

Hi abtjeep,

You are right, there is no easy answer.

It is obviously very difficult for both you and your husband being apart for so much of the time.

However, as you have already mentioned, there are thousands of couples in similar situations.

I don't know how much you have said to your husband about the way you feel but I feel you should sit down together when he is home again and really let him know how you are feeling and discuss how much longer it is likely to be before there is enough in the kitty to get the house you both want. Hopefully not too much longer.

Working on an oil rig I believe is extremely well paid and he should be able to get the money he needs much more quick than if he had a less unsociable job.

Having had experience of long absences from my wife I can empathise with you. It is not much fun.

Once you know how much longer it will take for your husband to get the money together, I would suggest you agree a timescale with him, for when he will leave his current job and get work where you can spend normal time together.

Although you have diabetes, does it prevent you from working? If not, I was wondering whether it would be an idea to try to find a job for yourself. This would help to give you something to fill more of your time when you and your husband are apart. It would also help to fill the coffers more quick and therefore hopefully allow you husband to leave his current job sooner.

If you are unable to work and if you want a home of your own, I feel that you may have to accept your husband being away for so much of the time for a while longer. Although it is hurting now, once you have your home I am sure you will look back and feel it was all worthwhile.

I can understand your thinking behind not having children of your own and it is probably not the right time anyway, not until you have your home and your husband with you, but hopefully your condition will not prevent you considering adoption. There are an awful lot of children who are desperate for a loving, caring family.

Good luck and I hope you soon have your new home.

John
(Poseidon)