[shak786]

For about a year I've been so de-motivated. Last year coming back from a journey I heard something, that linked to my past. I can't tell you what, but all I can say is I asked a religious scholar, two scholars in fact and they both remarked all is required is that I ask for forgiveness and I move on; forget about the past.

Ever since than, life gradually has taken a turn. I've lost the peace in my sleep, I lay in bed for hours on end, looking at the walls, tossing and turning. But it has become so difficult for me to fall asleep. As I result I stay up until 4/5/6/7/8 into the early morning. Only than can I sleep.

I attend university. I went in for my first semester. But for my second semester I very rarely went into university, lectures. I just went in for my exams; may and June. I've got 2 years left upon completion of my undergraduate degree. Thinking about them two years, I can't study anymore. Previously in the past, I always used my family as a motivation but that affect has dried off. The thought of mixing in with people at times, the whole idea I can't do it. I don't know why, but inside the tables have turned and I'm not driven as well as I use too.

My hobbies. I use to be a video game fanatic. Use to play everyday for a few hours. Recently, however I have trouble playing video games. The thought of switching on the console and playing with people I guess, gets to me. I use to very muscular until my operation. I joined the gym, paid for membership and never attended. I was well versed in weight training before, was very muscular for a teenager, but the thought of weight training doesn't attract me anymore alike video games.

I'm lost for words. When I think of what to write or what to say; I be lost for words, developed a small stutter. I can't make decisions as easily as I use to. Doing any household work, or going through the internet seems so complicated and long. For instance my mother requested for me to clean out the front drive. This was a week ago, and only today did I carry out a bit of cleaning of the drive. And I only done like a fifth of it and went back inside.

I hardly eat anymore. I eat like once a day very rarely twice a day. A while back me and my aunt met up for a social outing. She was offering me food to eat. Watching me eat she said, "you look like the foods going to kill you", "why do you struggle to eat". I'm 19 and there was a time when I use to weight 13 and a half stones during the period I use to weight train. Recently I weighted myself, I was like 7 and four fifths of a stone.

I think about death a lot. I think about ways of killing myself at times. Always question myself in what is the point of living? I always say, tell myself. My mind has thoughts of how I'm going to survive until I reach twenty, let alone the rest of my life.

My mind always maintains a heavy feeling like a mountain has been placed upon it. I think all the time. I think very deeply into matters. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to live life like this. I'm always depressed, I keep asking myself, "for how much more longer can i keep hiding behind a smile?

i took an online test for depression. i think it was out of fifty. i took two runs, first run i had a mark of 43 compared to the second run which i had a mark of 49. my uncles and aunts keep informing, " your depressed". Go to the doctors. My family aren't much aware as for the majority of the day I hide in my room, very rarely going down stairs and being around family.

I've started smoking. Its been over half a year. I smoke with the intention (this is going to sound idiotic) that committing suicide is wrong. So through smoking I'm killing myself slowly.

Thanks for reading in advance. Kind regards. Shak.

[tickle]

Yes, shak, you are very disturbed, distressed, and depressed, too much so for a l9 year old. I would suggest you just snap out of it or get help. Suicide in any way is a coward's way out. You have to take hold of yourself and beat this.

You absolutely have to be a decent member of society.

Tick

[MiserableManBoy]

Yep... your $d.You may as well take yourself out,as no matter how much you get better,you'll ALWAYS have that vague sense of shame about this peroid in your life FOREVER (especially as a MALE) simply because you know that there are others who have never even experienced defeat (or only did when very young and quicly resolved to never again but your well past age) really you have ALLOWED yourself to get to this low (I'm the same) and you know it deep down.Your other alternative is to simply try to accept yourself (flaws and all),as hard as it may be and REALLY move on.

Depression has been said to be a LOSS of some sort... e.g rank,pride,SELF RESPECT and can come from a lack of ASSERTIVENESS or even AGGRESSION (some prefer anger than depression)

If like me,you may not even be able to pin point the trigger or in fact serie of triggers that simply 'got it over you' to get you to your current state.being 19 and not 33,you really need to 'pull yourself together' and GENIUNELY resolve not to ever allow yourself to experience such pain again and to hell with the consequences that may come from refusing to DEPRESS for anyone again ( this can be a bit hard but is necessary otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life living 'between a rock and a hard place' and that's not living but merely existing... and feeling like a poodle mind you :( TRUST ME

[MiserableManBoy]

Also it really helps to believe in yourself first and foremost... not GOD.