[TJDVan]

Hi everyone,

I am writing this as a new member who just has to type something and ask for some guidance because I am at my lowest ebb. About two and a half years ago I came out of a six-year relationship because I met the girl of my dreams. She is perfect. She is funny, she is caring, she is a really good person. And I love her in a way that I genuinely never thought possible. She is my whole world. Since we have been together, I have stopped caring about anything else because I really feel like nothing could ever matter when I'm with her. We were within seconds of getting married because we loved so much.

After about 9 months of being together (we lived together after 2 months) we started to have problems. Not with our relationship, but with our living situation. I was studying for a Masters degree abroad and she was on a one-year work visa. It expired but she stayed with me for love, meaning she could not work for six months. Her confidence went to pot, she had terrible anxiety issues and became a shadow of her former self. But we fought every single day (and it was a fight because she was really not well) and we seemed to make it through. We returned home (to the U.K.) as soon as I was qualified and things picked up instantly. We then made plan after plan after plan (living and working in the U.K. travelling through S. East Asia, living in Europe and learning a language, returning back to Canada to pursue residency. We kept changing our minds because every option was something of a compromise for one of us, but we couldn't contemplate being apart because the love was so strong.

We eventually decided to return to Canada, where we had met. We got our visas after another 9 months of waiting around and finally got here in April. For the first time in well over a year we both had money (we were working and earning good money) and could do things we wanted. We had a beautiful new apartment. We had a future that could develop into anything. But she wasn't happy. She didn't try to make a life here. She just descended into monotony and spent all her time on Facebook, wishing she was somewhere else. It broke my heart when she told me she didn't know who she was anymore, and that she was leaving me. I am ashamed to admit that I made it very hard for her. I was an absolute wreck for five weeks, during which time she told me she still loved me and she still wanted it to work. She just didn't think it could. I put her on a plane six weeks ago and trudged home not caring if I was hit by a bus. I went to the gym straight away to be around people. I came back a few hours later to find her suitcase back in my room and her crying tears of joy. She kissed me like she hadn't in months, and told me it was going to be all right. She actually got off the plane once she was on it to return to our live and our love.

Six weeks on, she went away with a friend for a weekend of fun and had an amazing time. We had been doing so much better, and things were getting better by the day in the build-up to her going. I was excited for her, knowing the break would do her good. She phoned me everyday to talk and tell me what a great time she was having, and that she couldn't wait to take me there. Then, on her return, she was acting strangely again and looked very sad. I let her be, but a few hours later she burst into tears, told me she didn't love me anymore and that we are breaking up forever. I am totally dumbfounded. It is literally days since she told me how happy she was. How pleased that we had fought for this. How much we have to look forward to. And our physical relationship has been better too.

I just don't understand. I know that she didn't cheat on me or anything like that. I know she just snapped, but I don't know how or why, and I don't know how to cope. Should I just let her go and try to get on with my own life, or should I fight for her again? I have honestly never known pain like this. I believe with all of my heart that we have a future together (and that I could never love anyone in the same way again). I don't know what to do. I love her so, so much. I don't understand how I could love her this much and have her fall out of love with me. I need some good advice...

[amicon]

You let her go and work your way through healing from the break up.

She's long gone from the relationship even if she made a couple of returns not being quite able to let go.

It doesn't matter how much you loved her -her feelings changed.

Go no contact and start getting over her,one day at the time.

[TJDVan]

I think the hardest part of all of this is that to me it feels like we stuck by one another when it would have been so easy for either of us not to. Now is the first time in almost 18 months that we are in a position to really soar high. It just feels like she is giving up too early - if she could only try a little longer I would genuinely be happier about letting her go.

[Enigma1999]

You two seem like great people who have it together. Who also have a lot of love for each other.

Sometimes people get a little lost in life. They want more. They want to find themselves. They believe that there is more out there, and in doing so, some people become indecisive.

I admit that I, myself, have vacillated back and forth in my life. I believe this is a normal thing.

I really and truly believe that you should let her go, and figure out what she needs to. The last thing you would want to happen, is either one, or both of you resenting each other, because YOU fought to hard to keep her, when she's not ready.

She knows how much you love and are in love with her. You have done all you can.

Let her figure things out. There is obviously an emptiness inside of her, a longing for something.

I'm sympathize as well as empathize with you. I have been there myself, on both sides of it.

It hurts.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

What's to understand? She is happy when things are fun, and exciting, and we all know that what goes up, comes down just as fast. She isn't ready for the day to day boredom of reality, so let her go to have her fun, and maybe someday she will be ready. She sure ain't now.

[TJDVan]

Thanks for all your replies. It is good to know that there are some people in the world who care about the pain of others and are willing to give advice. It is appreciated.

I think the really terrible part is that I know what I have to do. I just don't know where to find the strength to do it. The thought of coming home to my apartment and knowing that she won't be here anymore is just unfathomably painful.

I never really understood before when I heard people talk about this anguish. I have learned the hard way. I feel completely faithless. It is so hard to accept that I put literally everything into something that was once unbelievably wonderful for both of us and ultimately have it not work out. I don't know where to go from here.

[Enigma1999]

Thanks for all your replies. It is good to know that there are some people in the world who care about the pain of others and are willing to give advice. It is appreciated.

I think the really terrible part is that I know what I have to do. I just don't know where to find the strength to do it. The thought of coming home to my apartment and knowing that she won't be here anymore is just unfathomably painful.

I never really understood before when I heard people talk about this anguish. I have learned the hard way. I feel completely faithless. It is so hard to accept that I put literally everything into something that was once unbelievably wonderful for both of us and ultimately have it not work out. I don't know where to go from here.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I found the love of my life when I was 22. We fell in love with each other and got married and also had two beautiful children. We were together for almost 10 years. Now we are divorced. I NEVER thought I would make it without him. It has been two years and I am fine.

I know in my heart, I will find that kind of love again.

You will too...

Time... just give it time.

[BK201]

Train your mind to deny thinking about her. You would need a change of place. Else everything you see would remind you of her. Moving on to a new place would really help you to accelerate the healing.

[vanheart]

You just have to chalk this up to the wrong person, wrong time, wrong situation & different agendas.

I agree w/Tal & amicon.

She was never fully invested as much as you were.

I was in a similar LD thing. Always confusing, always unsure, always changing (for the worst)

Let this one go. No longer worth your time or effort.

Don't live in your head, what should have been, and all of that.

You have COMPLETE control over your thoughts & actions moving forward.

So what if they don't include her?

Better actually.

There will be others.

[Jake2008]

I don't think it is the right thing to bail on somebody- yet.

To me, from what you have said, she has more problems than just the blues, or unhappiness with life in general.

Have you ever heard the feeling we always hurt the ones we love the most?

When she is on an even keel again, I think it is time for her to put her money where her mouth is. Tell her that, for all the reasons you've said here, you cannot go on in the relationship without some attempt to solve the problems that keep you on eggshells.

Insist on counselling. Couples counselling may help undo some of the problems, at least enough so you know what you are dealing with.

IF she is willing, then go. If she digs in her heels and tells you one more time that she's back and going to work hard on the relationship, then that is up to you. I think that this coming and going on her part will continue unless YOU set some boundaries, and change from reacting, to a little more expectation.

It is not a healthy relationship, but, I think it is worth a little more effort,by way of you standing up with a few reasonable expectations, before you'll know for sure, that it is over.

If she can't address problems, what's the point.

[aseika]

You just have to let her go. Easy right? Last year my ex told me he didn't know who he was, what he wanted, and broke up with me, called me a week later in tears telling me he couldn't be without me, and then a few months on broke it off completely, saying he cares about me but he is lost and needs to be free. He made it very difficult for me to let him go too, always calling, wanting to be with me, glaring at other men who spoke to me, yet didn't want me himself. Consfusing! I was completely and utterly heartbroken. I mean, what the hell?

You can be sure she is heartbroken too, maybe for different reasons, but she is not happy about this one bit. And you need to let her deal with that too. Whatever her deal is, let her figure it out alone.

Its kind of something that does get easier with time, and you will still feel bad sometimes, and lonely, and that nobody can replace her, but this honestly gets easier. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. And then when it gets better it gets worse again etc etc but it will be OK, promise! You sound like your capacity for loving somebody is far greater that she is capable of understanding. It WILL flow back to you. :)

[TJDVan]

Thanks to all again, for your helpful responses.

This time I have let her go. She moved out and is staying with a friend temporarily and is going to travel in South East Asia for six weeks beginning at the start of August. Watching her pack her cases and close the door on us was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I am an absolute wreck at the moment. I don't have any good friends here yet either, so I am feeling extremely alone right now. I hope that some distance and no contact will do her good, and right now, even though I know I should not be thinking along these lines, I am of course hoping that she might miss me and what we have when she puts some distance between us and wakes up every morning knowing that she is in control and has the choice to do what she wants.

I don't know how I will come through this but I know that she is doing what she thinks is right and I have to respect it. But I miss her terribly.

[amicon]

I think you have made a good decision,for yourself and your own future.

Of course you hurt and it will keep on hurting for quite some time.

But you will get over this-we all do.

Time to make some friends,start doing activities that will keep you busy and take one day at the time.

Come back here whenever you need to.

[vanheart]

Well. Its actually good that you got that over with.

The leaving & moving, and hopefully the realization.

Hard as crap. I know. But another chapter that will be behind you.

Its good that you are going through this. Will help you later. And this won't be the last heartbreak in your life.

Don't let this or that stop you. I've been heartbroken a bunch & have broken hearts.

Just look toward the next you. Be aware.