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ilovebaseball · Jul 9, 2011, 06:00 PM

Ok, if anyone reads this and offers me their insight, I would greatly appreciate it.

I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family. I've moved around literally 14 times throughout my 23 years of living, had an incredible difficult time making/keeping friends, and had a lot of problems at home to deal with which was never fun. Minus my own nuclear family in itself, I never really had anyone else that I could consider family. All my relatives live overseas, and unfortunately, my family could never afford to visit them. More importantly, both sides of my relatives don't get along with each other, and hate my mom for being with my dad and vice versa.

As a result, this instilled hatred has destroyed the fiber of my nuclear family in itself. My dad is bitter/regretful for marrying my mother, and he has been a complete monster since. His family has brainwashed him into thinking that he is a cruel man and have damned him to hell; thus, all throughout my childhood until now, he has belittled us, criticized us relentlessly, insults us, and exhibits zero emotional support towards us.

Even though he pays for everything, it does not mean as much to me, considering how bad he's treated me and everyone else in my family. When I try to talk to him about anything, he just treats me like sh_t. He insults me, calls me names, always calls me stupid to the point where I seriously think I am, and doesn't seem to acknowledge any sort of talent that I have or accomplishments that I have achieved.

Right now, I attend a prestigious University with a scholarship and am seeking two degrees with two minors as well. Although that seems incredible for anyone who happens to read that, I beg to differ. Currently, I am entering my last year, and never have I been more stagnant than ever. I've lost full motivation in studying everything. I'm already graduating two and half years late which bothers me more than ever. I have two exams coming up this week; and where I once used to be fully devoted to my studies, I have reached a burn out phase that has crippled me. Therefore, I cannot focus on anything.

I went out with a guy for the first time two years ago. He was my first boyfriend and unfortunately, we couldn't be together. Not only was it because we were from two different backgrounds, but it is because he was very hurtful himself. He told me that he had always been cheated on by every girl that he has been with, told me I was different than anyone he has ever been with, I was his perfect girl, yet cheated on me in the end with his ex. (It hurt!)

On top of that, his friends hated me because I didn't like to drink or go out, and also because I am a virgin, don't sleep around, don't approve of sleeping in bed with a guy friend (so what lol) etc. so he would side with them and make fun of me nonstop just to prove something to them. It took me a lot of courage, but I completely cut him out of my life. Since then, everyone seems to hate me. His friends/family sure do, and it sucks because I'm forced to deal with some of his old coworkers who have labeled me as a villain.

Since that break up, people have been rude to me nonstop. He moved away and now I'm stuck dealing with coworkers that are just fake and two faced with me. Strangely, he has tried on numerous occasions to get a hold of me for the past year
(private calls, texts, email etc), but I've only responded to a few, and don't understand why he even tries. ( any guesses?)

The break up really took its toll on me and was actually a lot harder than what I described. I ended up withdrawing from the semester, had so much debt for school to pay off, had to retake my classes which was treacherous, and am now humiliated by that relationship, especially now that he has exploited my home life to everyone.

My return to school did not help me either. I am not motivated to continue on studying. I finish in the spring, but can't turn a page for my life. My gpa dropped to an all time low 3.1, and I think by the end of this summer, I'm probably going to have to repeat at least one of my two classes if I don't get it together. I feel like I messed up academically so bad, that my dreams for medical school have been squashed I want to apply to a few masters programs, but I can't afford them, and am not encouraged by anyone to do so.

My family just thinks I am going to waste my time and tell me that I'm not even cut for med school. Sadly, I'm starting to believe this.

To make things more messy, I met this guy who is like the perfect guy. He's smart, successful, sweet, attentive, supportive, etc. Only problem is, I don't know if I'm cut out to being with him. In my culture, we believe in marriage, but I feel like my life is a mess right now to even consider marriage. I'm emotionally OK (hell of a lot better than before), but am still feeling a bit down. I don't like that I don't have a good vision of what my future is like; I don't know what I want to do for grad school and I think my transcript is a mess considering my withdrawals as well as how bad my grades have slipped. What makes it even worse, is I'm not getting any better. I'm just in this rut right now; I feel like I have so much potential but it's down the toilet now.

The only thing that is looking good for me is my favorite sports team in baseball doing well. (And yes, I'm a girl)

Also I feel horrible, because I feel like I shouldn't be with this new guy, but feel like I'll regret not being with him because he is so wonderful to me. Not to mention, him and his family would be devastated as well if I end things, which makes me feel bad. He told me that he always gets dumped so I feel guilty considering it.

So any advice out there as to what the heck I should do with my life? Thanks guys, your answers mean the world to me right now.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2011, 07:02 PM

You better just be honest an explain to this fellow that you need a friend, not a boyfriend because you have to buckle down and focus. Nobody else's feelings, wants, and needs matter now do they? Keep things in a positive perspective, and don't rush into pleasing everyone else before you please yourself.

Being honest with yourself, that you have a lot of work to do, but want friends, to have fun with, helps you be honest with everyone else.

Look, you have been through a lot of hard times, yet you still are plugging along trying to get somewhere and overcome the many obstacles that have been thrown at you. Why quit now? So don't. And recognize and celebrate your true worth to yourself, even as others don't. Screw them, they are doing nothing for you, you are doing it for yourself.

Yes its hard, and a lot of work, as all things worth having. Relax and focus on what's important, and take some time to be good to yourself why don't you.

One day at a time.

ZenWarrior · Jul 9, 2011, 07:27 PM

All right well I'm not sure my words will do enough help but I can try, for one the he's to good for me thing should'nt be in your mind. If he is as you say then I can relate, yet more in the sense that I have been in the position he is because my 1st and so far, only girlfriend broke up with me for those exact reasons, and another thing is that you should'nt be with him simply out of feeling guilty because what your expressing is pity to some extent and realizing that what's holding the relationship together is pity makes the result twice as bad. Then there's the fact that you keep coming back to this rut your in and no matter how hard this can be for some, you have to take into consideration that it is simply that; a rut and everyone breaks out of ruts. If it helps at all just try to imagine yourself after you break away from this rut, in a great relationship with that guy of yours, and find all there is that gives you some glimmer of hope. In a word, dream, it sounds odd and/or cheesy but being a "dreamer" myself I can tell you that "dreaming" can get you through some real dark places. So if there's anything I can answer and try to help with I'd be glad to, simply ask.
Hope I helped at least a little.
Good Luck

answerme_tender · Jul 9, 2011, 09:11 PM

Well you have the word EXCUSES down!! I came from a very abusive not only physical but verbal up bringing. I have heard every excuse there is as to why my father was a mean SOB and why my mother stood by blah,blah,blah. You know something hearing the excuses didn't take away the pain from physical nor verbal blows that I took.

Hearing you give every excuse under the sun for why your father is an abusive sob isn't going to take away your pain. You need to realize that no matter what you will never change him but you CAN stop the him from effecting your life. Its time to grow up and stop waiting for the approval from your parents. Be proud of what YOU have achieved on YOUR OWN. You need to stop the depression that you seem to be sinking in and finish your dang schooling. You may not like hearing this, but NOT everyone has the ability that you do. Don't waste this opportunity. This may be a wake up call to stop the chain of excuses and not to let the past enter into your FUTURE. Or will your children be writing excuse for you later down the road?

Fr_Chuck · Jul 10, 2011, 07:56 AM

And you look at great things in your life, things people would almost kill for, and see it as bad.

You are in college, ( doing a double major) , so it took you a couple extra years, if it takes 10 extra years, it takes that. So what, you get to finish.

3.1 grade average and you are crying, that is better, far better than many ever get, who go on to be leaders in many industry.

You need to start looking at the things you are doing as great, not bad

ilovebaseball · Jul 10, 2011, 10:26 AM

Thanks talaniman, you definitely helped me with your response. You make me feel like everything is going to be fine in the end, which is beyond reassuring. I know I can get through it, but I have these moments of weaknesses which make me think otherwise. In addition, even though I have been my own emotional support for the longest of time, I still tend to regress. It's nice hearing it from someone; hence, that is why I tried reaching out on this website.
Anyway, do you think I shouldn't be involved with anyone at this point in time? When do you think would perhaps be the best time to get involved in a serious relationship? A part of me wants to figure it all out on my own and thinks that I'll regret not taking this time for myself. However, another part of me feels like I'm being selfish, especially seeing how amazing he is with me.

ilovebaseball · Jul 10, 2011, 10:40 AM

ZenWarrior, you're very sweet! I'm sorry about your ex and what happened. But hey, sometimes people can be victims of circumstance, and they lose sense of their own thought process. Heck, that's how I feel lol. But yes, of course I have dreams (big dreams), but I don't like when I'm constantly surrounded by negativity or people putting me down/doubting me. It sucks even more when it comes from your own family. But I'll definitely take it one step at a time, and no, it's not cheesy. Thanks for laying it out like that. I appreciate your response :)

ilovebaseball · Jul 10, 2011, 10:49 AM

Wow, thanks for the wake up call! It's true what you're saying, I feel like I keep dwelling on stupid bs that I can't control anymore which is inhibiting me from moving forward. It sucks to be in any abusive scenario, and I'm sorry that you went through it as well. But strangely, it's comforting knowing that you understand. It is unfortunate that this mayhem continues day and night all over. But yes, the last thing I would want is for my children to be writing excuses or blaming their lives on me, if things didn't turn out like they'd wanted it to. That is why I feel scared to get involved with anyone. I feel like I should dedicate this time to myself, and no one else, to establish that sense of stability. I want to then get involved with someone afterwards; however, this guy makes it so hard to turn away. Guys like him are rare, and I feel like it'll be a miracle if I were to ever have an opportunity like this present itself again.

ilovebaseball · Jul 10, 2011, 10:52 AM

I know, I just dropped from like a 3.8 to 3.1 throughout the past few years and it feels horrible. And I feel almost pressured to finish asap because I'm surrounded by kids (or so it feels). It's the disappointment more than anything else that bothers me; like why I would allow myself to get to this point. But hopefully it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. Thanks!

talaniman · Jul 10, 2011, 02:08 PM

Anyway, do you think I shouldn't be involved with anyone at this point in time? When do you think would perhaps be the best time to get involved in a serious relationship? A part of me wants to figure it all out on my own and thinks that I'll regret not taking this time for myself. However, another part of me feels like I'm being selfish, especially seeing how amazing he is with me.

I never said not to be involved. Just make no commitment, and have fun getting to know him, his family, as you focus on your own goals. You can be honest about the mission you are on, and either he understands, or he doesn't. Matter of fact, a healthy, fun social life with real friends would bring you much peace of mind and inner strength to finish your task. Just don't let him be your whole world, and build unrealistic high expectations, undo pressure, or dependence on him for anything but friendship and fun. For the next year or so, keep all your options, and opportunities open. You never know.

That is why I feel scared to get involved with anyone. I feel like I should dedicate this time to myself, and no one else, to establish that sense of stability. I want to then get involved with someone afterwards; however, this guy makes it so hard to turn away. Guys like him are rare, and I feel like it'll be a miracle if I were to ever have an opportunity like this present itself again.

That's a solid idea. Take your own sweet time, and have a bit of fun to go along with the hard work. BALANCE is good.