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Sue1973 · Jul 9, 2011, 01:36 AM

Hi

Just feeling like a total fool and it's entirely my own fault lol. I met a guy online and entered into nsa situation with him. I honestly thought I could handle it as my circumstances make it hard to meet people and get a relationship going anyway but I miss sex so I thought this would be perfect for me. We met first in a pub to see if we liked each other. After that we met up a couple of times and had fantastic sex but I knew I was developing feelings for him and even though the sex was good I felt cheap afterwards. So when he texted to arrange a meet up I told him the nsa thing isn't really for because it makes me feel cheap. He said I shouldn't feel cheap and said he was gutted and it was the last thing he wanted as he really fancies me and likes spending time with me and likes me for more than sex but it isn't the time for him to get into a relationship. I told him that I wasn't asking for a relationship. We agreed to keep in touch and he texts me quite regularly (I never initiate contact). Anyway he texted the other day and called me gorgeous, sexy and lovely (which made my day!) Then he told me he had been on a stag do and 'got laid'. I know I have no right to be upset about this but I am. It's not so much that he's sleeping with other women it's just the fact that he thinks so little of me that he can tell me about it. I've decided to not even be text buddies anymore but I've taken it really personally, as I'm v sensitive and I think maybe he would like a relationship just not with me. It doesn't help as I'm quite lonely, I'm late 30s, all my friends are married and I don't really have any family. Any tips on how to stop feeling cheap about this? I haven't chased him in any way and never initiated contact or came on strong.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 9, 2011, 07:59 AM

First this was your choice, you made a mistake, so you move on, If you don't want anymore contact or do this again, stop all contract with him, don't read or answer any call, any email or any text.

talaniman · Jul 9, 2011, 12:02 PM

You should build a social life with real people that balances your life and give you something to look forward to, and not have rely on the Internet, or a no strings attached, friends with benefits, non exclusive, agreement with anyone.

Sex stirs up feelings and you can't handle it so instead of online relationships, get some online activities together to fill your free time with. Real things that you can do.

As for online hook ups though, that may be great for something to do, but know the chances of hooking up with a soul mate after one try is slim. If you must date online, remember the rule that applies to all dating situations (my rule of course),

Talaniman Rule - Date them all! Short, fat, skinny, or tall! 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!

Don't have sex until you know they and you can handle it, and have built the kind of trust, that you can talk freely, and honestly. Otherwise, just have good clean fun getting to know if they are worthy or not.

Helps a lot to have control over your own feelings though. Without that, then you won't get carried away by false hope, high expectations, or flights of fantasy, and fall for any temporary feel good that comes along.

We best heal our hurts, and wounds by leaving old failures and the feelings of hurt they cause, behind by building new and better experiences, and feelings for ourselves. Then we can have fun without regret, or guilt. So forgive yourself for being foolish, and let go of the guilt why don't you.

kcomissiong · Jul 11, 2011, 06:38 AM

First, please read the rules of the rating system of this site. Fr_Chuck's answer was not factually incorrect, and he gave you exactly what you asked for... his opinion. He does not deserve a negative rating just because you didn't want to hear it.

Secondly, you used someone for sex, and in turn were used for sex by them. If you told this man that all you wanted was sex, and that was the premise of your contact, why do you expect him to value you for any more than that? He just wants sex. He told you that up front. Why are you upset about this? He is having sex with other people because he wants to have sex! Fr_Chuck was actually right here. Your hurt feelings are you own fault, because you took on a nsa relationship that you couldn't handle. Unless you have the ability to completely detach your emotions from the act, then learn a lesson here, and don't do this again in the future. Stop contact, let go, and stop taking it personally. When the sex ends in a NSA "relationship", there is no relationship anymore.

Sue1973 · Jul 18, 2011, 06:55 AM

I didn't say that Fr Chuck's answer was incorrect, I just didn't find it helpful. I already know it's my own fault which was the first thing I said in my question! I'm not asking for sympathy and I am in no way sayng that this guy has done anything wrong because I know that he hasn't. I'm a sensitive person that's all. Maybe I'm lonely and maybe I just wanted some affection but didn't expect to end up liking the guy. Your comment 'Why are you upset?' is totally insensitive. Why is anyone upset about anyting then! I explained why I was upset because I ended up liking the guy a whole lot more than I expected to. I didn't ask for pity I just wanted to chat about it but I obviously came to the wrong place. Yes I know it was my own fault but that doesn't stop me liking him and wishing he felt the same! Is that so wrong. But gee thanks

J_9 · Jul 18, 2011, 06:59 AM

Please read THIS about how to use the comments feature.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 11:51 AM

I've clicked on 'THIS' and it doesn't work. I'd just like to say that I've read some other questions on here about nsa/casual/fwb situations from women in similar situations who entered these arrangements and then got hurt. The replies were all nice and understanding and non-judgmental. I haven't seen any one else being repeatedly told 'it was your own fault'. Instead they were told things like 'not everyone is cut out for nsa but don't be so hard on yourself, we all have physical needs'. I'd like to thank talaniman for his constructive, non critical advice. I found it really helpful and I am trying to find activities and keep busy in the hope of meeting real people and not getting glued to dating sites. If kcommissiong had read my question properly he/she would have seen that I know it is my fault and I expect him to sleep with other people I just didn't expect him to tell me about it! He would also have read that I am lonely, have no family, few friends and am a single parent. Trying to get a real relationship going is practically impossible but I just wanted some physical touch and affection. How come I get judged so harshly (apart from talaniman who actually seemed to understand). I am trying to forget this guy and I haven't replied to his last 2 texts.

kcomissiong · Jul 20, 2011, 12:05 PM

He would also have read that I am lonely, have no family, few friends and am a single parent. Trying to get a real relationship going is practically impossible

Where was I supposed to read that? (I'm a she by the way)It certainly isn't in your question. You did get constructive advice from everyone. Go no contact, and abstain from having casual relationships if you cannot handle them and answers that people you claim to be "judgmental" gave you. This is a public forum, and you don't get to dictate how people answer your question. We told you what we thought.

If you think that a casual relationship makes you feel "cheap" why were you involved in one? If you lack the ability to separate your feelings from you sexual behavior, a valid solution would be not to engage in that type of relationship again. You feel badly because you allow yourself to and because in your mind, you tried to make this relationship and this man into more than what they were. None of us here can change what you think or why you think it, all we can do is give our suggestions on what not to do in the future, which is what you got from every poster.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 12:26 PM

It certainly is in my question! It clearly states in my question that I am lonely and it is difficult for me to get a real relationship going. Talaniman managed to read it! I don't want to dictate peoples' replies - the only response I have a problem with is yours. And if I knew beforehand that it would make me feel cheap I wouldn't have done it would I! I didn't have a crystal ball! I'mnot going to be doing it again, I'm not stupid. There is no point even explaining the problem to you because you have totally misunderstood it and made me feel worse - I think you attitude is horrible and you should be banned from offering 'advice'.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 12:34 PM

Can someone tell me how to delete my profile from this site please?

kcomissiong · Jul 20, 2011, 12:35 PM

Where does it mention that you are a single parent and because of this have trouble forming relationships. I guess my reading suffers along with my advice. Here is some better advice. You don't want to hear what we have to say about no contact to help move on, and making better future choices. Why don't you find someone who will tell you what you want to hear. (That may not be free of course). What do you want to hear? We CANNOT reach into your mind and make you stop feeling badly. YOU can do that with the help of the suggestions about no contact and better decision making that we have offered.

kcomissiong · Jul 20, 2011, 12:42 PM

"Yes I know it was my choice doesnt stop me hurting"

And I guess the big chunky negative rating along with the comment above on Fr_Chuck's answer was your way of telling him he is helpful. I actually suggest counseling now since you seem to be way too emotionally invested in advice you solicited from strangers. If you invested this amount of emotion in your NSA relationship, it is no wonder you are having issues letting go of it. My advice still hasn't changed. No contact (there is more information on this in the stickies on this forum, and recognize this behavior in yourself so you make better choices in the future.

kcomissiong · Jul 20, 2011, 12:43 PM

And I think you made a bad choice and want pats on the back and not the advice you asked for. You have your opinion and I have mine.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 12:44 PM

Again - if you had read my previous posts you would see that I am having no contact with him and haven't replied to his last 2 text messages. I am also taking Talaniman's advice and am trying to arrange things to give me something to look forward to. I took on everyone's advice about no contact and I don't want contact with him. I am moving on. The only person making me feel bad now is you! READ before you judge.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 12:47 PM

I am doing no contact - read! And if I want to give someone a negative rating then I will! I think you're the one who needs counselling you really are a nasty piece of work. I have repeatedly told you that I have taken the advice and am not having contact with him and am moving on!

Wondergirl · Jul 20, 2011, 12:53 PM

Have you figured out ways to connect with others in real life? Maybe check the programs at your local library. There might be a book discussion group. Or start a business-books discussion group (men love something like that! -- lots of neat businessy books, like Giuliani's Leadership). Two years ago I started a writers' group (everyone wants to be a writer!), so that might also be an option (since you are a good writer). Or, if there is none, suggest to the library that you will start one. (I'll talk you through it.)

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 12:57 PM

Thank you so much for your positive advice. I'm quite a shy person but am looking into things I could join that might bring me out of my shell a little. I enjoy reading so a book club sounds like a good idea - thank you.

kcomissiong · Jul 20, 2011, 01:02 PM

No actually YOU READ. You don't get to give people negative ratings if you want. We have rules regarding the rating system on this site, and you agreed to abide by them when you became a member. I am a stranger you asked for advice. I, along with others gave it to you. If you don't like it ignore it!

Wondergirl · Jul 20, 2011, 01:03 PM

Originally Posted by Sue1973

Thank you so much for your positive advice. I'm quite a shy person but am looking into things I could join that might bring me out of my shell a little. I enjoy reading so a book club sounds like a good idea - thank you.

You're quite welcome. The book discussion groups are mostly women reading cozy mysteries, although some groups read more "literate" fiction. For the latter, there are often book discussion questions available online that would help you as a member and if you have the opportunity to lead the discussion.

Sue1973 · Jul 20, 2011, 01:05 PM

Don't worry I am ignoring YOUR 'advice'. We obviously have some sort of personality clash so maybe we could agree not to keep replying to each other?