[HurtScorpio]

I have been with my current boyfriend 1 and a half years and we just moved in together. He has a lot of obsessive compulsive tendencies with keeping the house tidy and he has never lived with a girl before so he is set in his ways so if I do not do something his way it is the wrong way or stupid. He often will say,"No one would ever do that." or ,"You should know b/c everyone in the world does it this way." I was married previously and with my ex husband from age 18-32 and then had a year and a half relationship after we divorced. Marriage ended because he was an alcoholic/addict. The boyfriend I have now is very stable financially, treated me very well, and always did what he said. Now that we live together he asks why I wear certain outfits and will suggest that I look better in something else. One time I told him I thought I was gaining weight and he said to start exercising and you can get rid of it. He made it clear he did not want to be w/ a fat girl. I have always been a highly sensitive person and I don't think he means to hurt me but I am unsure as to what is going on here? When we met he told me he never thought that someone like me would go out w/him as if I was out of his league? Please help. I am feeling insecure.

[talaniman]

Stop taking things so personally as you both learn each other, and set boundaries of good behavior.

As you say, he has to learn to share space with you, and know when he says things that hurt, so tell him, before you feel bad. I bet just as his cleaning habits make you feel bad, I bet your sensitivity drives him NUTS.

It's a learning process, and requires time and patience, from you both.

[HurtScorpio]

I realize I may be being oversensitive however some examples of his behavior are :if I wear an outfit which I think I look great in, he often will say,"You are wearing THAT?." He will request me to change my outfit or hairstyle or at one time I said I think I found out why I was gaining weight as I am not overeating and I am not overweight he will say,"Why don't you get some motivation and exercise?." Keep in mind I have been told by others that I am thin, very pretty , and they do not understand his methods except that he is being mean or controlling. Some days I wonder why he chose me in the first place and I am dealing with anxiety, depression, and the recent serious suicide attempt of my brother so his behavior seems cold to me. I love him but is that enough to sustain this?

[Cat1864]

Time to sit down with him and communicate. It shouldn't be a fight or confrontation, but you should get your feelings out. So should he. If need be have a list of things that need to be covered and come up with compromises where needed.

Being sensitive doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself. If he says what you are doing is wrong or stupid, politely explain that you are not going to accept being talked to like you are a five year old. You are his partner not his child and if he can't treat you with respect then you will respect yourself and find another place to live (if it was originally his place. If it was yours, then he can leave.) I don't usually like ultimatums, but I like people attempting to belittle and control their partner even less.

On cleaning, make a list of chores and decide who is doing which ones. The other person keeps his/her mouth shut about how the other person does their chores.

It does sound like he is trying to be controlling in some ways. I will give him benefit of the doubt about telling you to exercise when you mention you are gaining weight. Many men think they are being helpful and supportive when they say things along those lines. It is pretty much a difference in communication styles between men and women.

Where the control issue comes in is in telling you what to wear or how to style your hair. It is one thing to say what he thinks would look good on you, but a very different thing if he is trying make you wear what he wants you to.

People who try to control others are usually very insecure in themselves and the relationship. They also tend to pick up on the sensitivities of others and use them to manipulate the person and the relationship. Sometimes it is on purpose, sometimes it is a defense mechanism they aren't even aware of using.

So talk to him. Set boundaries on how to handle disagreements. Decide on ways to signal each other that a line is being crossed before matters get out of hand. Remind yourselves that you can't (and shouldn't) control another person but you can control your own words and actions. If you think there is a misunderstanding, ask for clarification.

How aware is he of the stress and anxiety you are under due to your brother's situation? Is he trying to give you any support at all?

[HurtScorpio]

Thank you for your suggestions. My brothers's suicide attempt was very serious and he did almost die. In fact he has to receive surgery to repair the damage he has done. He is very aware of the impact my brother's siyuation has had on me and I in fact needed to take family leave and I am no longer working but I do receive income via taking out my pension early and my retirement account. He often states,"I don't understand why anyone would want to take their life." He does not understand depression or any type of mental illness. I worked in mental health previously for 8 years so I am quite aware of it. He feels you can snap out of it if you just get up and move around and be positive. He had even said he thinks people make it up. He has said I exaggerate my depression/anxiety even though he will see me crying he will say,"What now?" and "I don't have time to deaal with this." I know I cry often but he says I take things too personally and it is not his fault. I am baffled.

[QLP]

Just a small addition to Cat's excellent advice. How you react to his criticism can make a huge difference. My hubby mentions he doesn't like an outfit I'm wearing he gets told that's OK he doesn't have to wear it. He tells me he loves something and gets a promise I will wear it for him again sometime. There's a world of difference between choosing to do something to please your partner and feeling obliged to because of their behaviour. Make sure your choices are always made freely.

[talaniman]

QUOTE by HurtScorpio;
I realize I may be being oversensitive however some examples of his behavior are :if I wear an outfit which I think I look great in, he often will say,"You are wearing THAT?." He will request me to change my outfit or hairstyle

So you were actually fishing for a compliment, but didn't get it. Disappointing I know, but instead of taking it personally, be blunt and honest as he is and tell him "Wrong answer you fool, all I wanted was a compliment", or something like that, or when he request you change clothes or hair, ask why, so you can at least get insights into his mindset. There is no reason not to voice opinion, or feelings, as how else will he know what you expect. He is no mind reader, nor should you assume he will ever be, but unless you teach him about you in an honest way, how will he know what he has to learn?

Especially given you are that sensitive, and may over react, and that's something he should know, acknowledge, and accept.

at one time I said I think I found out why I was gaining weight as I am not overeating and I am not overweight he will say,"Why don't you get some motivation and exercise?."

Well was he right or not?? He is harsh, but the way you react is what's important. Sensitive people build resentments because they feel personally attacked on some level, but instead of being defensive be objective and keep your own feelings under control long enough to express yourself, just so he knows to back up, or shut up. After all, what you wanted and didn't get was acknowledgment, and appreciation of your thinking. I doubt you get it unless he is aware of your feelings.

He would have been a hero if he said, " You are fine as cat hair, and you are perfect to me".

He thinks honesty is what you NEED from him, and its up to you to be "brutally honest" and tell him what you really NEED, and want from him.

Keep in mind I have been told by others that I am thin, very pretty , and they do not understand his methods except that he is being mean or controlling.

Don't you ever compare the way your man is to how others treat you. NEVER! They don't live with you. They don't live with him. They have nothing to do with how you build a relationship that works for you and your partner. Maybe he is controlling and mean, but that has little to do with the way you interact with each other and make the adjustments that allow you to grow together, or grow apart.

Be very careful of outside influences to YOUR relationship.I say that knowing that they may be supporting you with what they think you need.

Some days I wonder why he chose me in the first place and I am dealing with anxiety, depression, and the recent serious suicide attempt of my brother so his behavior seems cold to me. I love him but is that enough to sustain this?

I respectfully submit that maybe you communicate through your emotions, feelings and actions, and may not put into words things that he needs to learn, understand, and accept, just as his verbal way of expressing himself may be misrepresenting his feelings, and not understood by you.

You both have to be better listeners to each others, and be willing to learn, beyond feelings and words, or NO, love will not be enough to sustain you. You both got to give. To each other, there always has to be the benefit of a doubt, and for you personally, it means don't be so overly sensitive when you should really be paying attention with an open mind, to receive the right information. Only you have that kind of control over yourself.

Let your partner read this and respond, as I would love to get his side, and speak to him personally about the balance of being brutally honest, and paying careful attention so he can learn about his partner, and make the right adjustments.

You are a great writer, send him a letter. Let him know that brutal honesty is only useful when it is tempered with understanding, reassurance, and complete support. There must be a BALANCE.

[QLP]

I must admit I too would love to see what your partner has to say. While I'm not doubting for a moment that you are telling us the situation exactly as you see it, it is always helpful to see both sides of the coin. It is quite hard to gauge just how oversentive you are being or to what degree he is being insensitive.

Can I ask if you are getting any help for the anxiety and depression and if you are getting or have considered any counselling regarding the difficult situation with your brother?

[southamerica]

Communication, communication, communication.

He may think he's being helpful and totally in line when in reality you think he's being hurtful and brutally honest. Tell him how you feel, how you interpret the situation. Use "I" statements (e.g. "I feel like you aren't respecting me as an equal..." instead of "You don't respect me as an equal").

I JUST had this conversation with my boyfriend yesterday. I complain a lot about how I lose control around sweets, and so when I say I want to get some frozen yogurt he says "I'm not sure you are making a good decision" or "I think you should slow down there". I know he thinks he's helping, and he doesn't want to hear me continue to complain about something in my control... but it's MY battle to fight, not his, and his badgering just annoys me. SO the consensus was: he doesn't try to tell me how to eat, and I stop complaining about things that I can control but don't really make the effort to.

My point: conversing with your boyfriend about your concerns might teach you something about how YOU can improve the situation as well as he.

Best of luck!

[HurtScorpio]

Thank you! That was very helpful!

[HurtScorpio]

Yes, I have been getting ongoing help with my anxiety and depression as well as the situation with my brother and also due to a long marriage hx w/ an alcoholic. I must admit I do expect the worst to happen due to my past and this guy does have good qualities however he does not see being honest as being hurtful.

[southamerica]

however he does not see being honest as being hurtful.

Which is why communication will help your relationship.

You can't hold someone to invisible standards and get mad at them for not meeting them.

As a side note, instead of hitting "reply to post", you should scroll to the bottom of the thread and use the "answer this question feature", that makes it easier for us to refer to specific points in your questions. Just a formatting issue with the site that we try to amend :)

[QLP]

Okay well, I'm still not sure whether your guy is trying to be helpful and could do with a little training in tact and understanding your needs, or whether he is in fact being deliberately insensitive and controlling at times. Since you know you are very sensitive and expecting the worst I guess you are not entirely sure either.

I would say at this point in time give him the benefit of the doubt and work on the communication. Learn to take a deep breath when he says something that feels critical and try to tell him how it feels to you without getting upset, and what you would prefer from him. Be prepared to listen to his point of view too.

Remember the two key points where guys often communicate differently. Firstly men often take on the 'must fix this' mantle. So if we complain about something, instead of sympathising, as a woman might be more inclined, they will be more likely to come up with a solution.

If I said to my man I'm worried about my weight he would be quite likely to come up with suggestions on what I could do about it. He would need to be told that what I actually want to hear is that he still finds me attractive and would love me even if I was the size of an elephant because what I am looking for is a little extra love whilst I deal with the problem. Even after 26 years of marriage my hubby sometimes needs reminding of this, but he responds brilliantly when reminded. Of course for my part I need to remember that this would be a bit trying if I were to ask for it too often and I am quite adult enough to deal with my own weight issues without constant reassurance.
I promise once you get to the point where you need to ask for reassurance only when it is really needed, can do so clearly, and get it, any issues regarding weight or anything else become so much easier. I gained about 30 pounds not too long ago due to illness, a combination of forced inactivity and medication. I did ask for and receive a little reassurance as I was not in a position to tackle it for a while. Once I was over the worst I could get back on track, and am now 7 pounds above the weight I was when we married. The right balance of support and self-reliance has made it really not too difficult.

The second thing is that guys are often much more literal in their communication than women. If a woman says, 'I don't understand depression etc' she probably is being critical. For a guy it can often be taken quite literally. Since you have a background working in this area if he says he doesn't understand you have a perfect opportunity to explain anything you would like him to understand.

You are going through some difficult times and need some extra support. This is perfectly reasonable so tell him what you need from him. On the other hand some people do slip into seeming needy by looking for reassurance at every turn, so do be aware of just how much you are looking to get from him, and remember we cannot expect our partner to meet all our needs. I am very pleased to hear that you are getting outside help too, and hopefully that will start to pay off as well.

If his comments are a result of him misunderstanding what you need from him when you are looking for reassurance then you changing how you ask him for support should make a big difference. On the other hand if he is controlling by nature I would expect him to dig his heels in and possibly try to become even more controlling if you become more independent and clearer in your needs. If that happened I would suggest counselling for you both or a reappraisal of the relationship, but I don't see that you have reached that point yet. And do give it time. Changes don't happen instantly.

[HurtScorpio]

We went camping with some others for a few days and I fely him being insensitive to what I felt were my needs again. We were swimming and I hurt my arm badly slipping on a rock. I went to the tent early to sleep as it was pouring rain anyway. When he decided to enter the tent later I moved and realized my arm hurt much worse, so much so I began to cry. He says,"Does it really hurt that bad? Why didn't it hurt that bad before." After asking if he could help me in the rain and dark to the bathroom he says," You have to be kidding me! Now? Can't you go yourself?" He thinks by "doing things" like making brakfast for me in the AM or is showing his love yest he does not get the whole showing affection, does not like to do that in front of family eeven a small peck and I have gone over this issue before as well that I wpould rather cuddle or hug than have him assist me w/something. It is like he just does not get it. At camp he did not sit next to me near the fire even one time - he would stand up but as long as he made food for e he loved me? BTW thank everyone so much for great advice.

[HurtScorpio]

Thank you so much! Incredibly helpful.

[QLP]

Okay, well it seems your guy shows his love by acts of service, and this is not what really floats your boat.

People express and receive love in different ways. What works best for one is not always what works best for another.

Try reading, and sharing with your partner, Gary Chapman's book, 'The 5 love languages.'

You can an idea of what it is all about here:

The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages

We probably all show and appreciate love in many ways, but some things will be more meaningful to each of us. For me affirmation and physical expression are the most important. For my husband quality time, acts of service, and affirmation would all score highest. Understanding our own and each other's needs can help us to show love in ways that are most appreciated and learn to appreciate the fact our partner may be doing their best to express their love but in a language that doesn't feel too familiar to us.

Keep working on getting him to understand what you need and work on understanding him. Learn to ask for what works for you clearly and remember to appreciate what he does give.

When you say he just doesn't 'get it', that's probably exactly right. He probably wonders why you don't 'get it' when he makes you breakfast to show he loves you. That's why you need honest communication.

Regarding the situation with your arm. Ask yourself what you were really asking for. Naturally you were in pain and wanted some sympathy and assistance. However, I suspect tied up in that were all the things you are asking for long-term that you don't feel you are getting. He would have been getting the message that it was about more than the fact your arm hurt but not have been getting a full understanding of your needs. This would have left him feeling that you were wanting something from him but with no clear idea what, so he would have been backing off. Of course he could have just helped you to the bathroom. I suspect he knew on some level that would not have been enough and it left him floundering so he made a clumsy attempt to get to what was really the matter but in a way that made you feel pushed away. That make sense? Sorry I'm finding it hard to put that into words properly.

[talaniman]

The insensitive boob could have given you a flashlight to find your way to the toilet in the dark!

I would have. And a roll of soft toilet paper. I think it helpful to realize that your sensitivity also brings a stubbornness with it, and maybe you are more prone to taking everything as a sleight.

I love you HS, and know you have been through a few things but be honest. Are you a bit spoiled? I know you are intensely emotional. Look not defending the guy, don't know him, crude maybe, blunt maybe so, but he is who he is, and what matters more than the way he is, is how you handle YOUR actions, and reactions. You seem to put a lot of blame on him not meeting your immediate emotional needs, but maybe its you who are not dealing with your own needs in more positive ways. Just a thought, but needy, and dependent keep coming up. Okay be blunt, right track? Wrong track?

[HurtScorpio]

Yes, in fact I smiled to myself reading your answer as you must seem to know my type of person well. I do not mean to be spoiled or sensitive yet growing up my mother showed her love by giving me things instead of time and affection and all men in my life were either abusive, unavailable, and then after a failed relationship with an alcoholic where I felt I was caring for a child, I feel in a way it is my turn to be treated correctly for once. When I see insensitive actions occurring again,it worries me of the past. I am codependent and try not to be yet still feel needing affection is not being needy. I discussed this situation with him and the feeling that he does not care about me and he told me that he feels that no matter what he does, he sees I am upset with it so in regard to the arm incident and bathroom incident he said he can not tell anymore what is really upsetting to me and what is not because to him "every little thing" upsets me. He says he does care.

[HurtScorpio]

Yes, this makes complete sense and I will look into the book you suggest. You are right because he told me he feels no matter what he does it never will be enough to make me happy and he is unable to distinguish when something "hurts" me as he says I am set off so easily by the smallest thing. So, I understand exactly what you are saying. Although when he returned home from camping he complained of body aches and I mentioned to him I felt no empathy as he did not care about my arm reminding him of what he said. He claims he does not remember saying it and I said he did and I showed him the bruising on my arm. He then said he again did not know it was really that bad and went on to his complaints which I ignored.

[QLP]

Oh dear, reminds me of the story of the boy who cried wolf. You can't really expect anyone to be attentive all the time if every trifle is presented as a major issue. And you don't show him any concern when he complains. Does he complain about his own well-being often? It's not a competition you know.

Well done for admitting that you have these issues. Have you discussed these things with a counsellor?