[outsiderviews1]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Last night, his family had a bbq at the house and his old neighbors showed up (2 guys, 1 girl--they're brothers and sister.) Well, I befriended the girl as she was sitting by herself and we started chit chatting a little bit. A couple minutes in, my boyfriend came in to join on the conversation. Everything was going well, we were all talking for about 45 minutes--but then the conversation started changing from English to Spanish. I don't speak the language, just understand it a little, so on my part the conversation became a little stale to me. My boyfriends mother asked me to help her with cleaning up, so I left the table, came back 15 minutes later, and they were still talking. Ok, no problem.. I go to the bathroom, take my time, check on the laundry, go outside to get some air... I come back and they're still talking. At this point, I'm getting a little frustrated because their having a full blown spanish conversation and its been like an 1 1/2 hr. I heard fireworks outside, and decided to watch them by myself while they were still having their conversation. My boyfriend finally walks outside and see's that I'm watching them so he goes back inside and tells the girl to come out and they again continue their conversation outside with me there. Bottom line, I was feeling a little neglected. I don't know if I was over reacting, so this is why I'm seeking advice. I just don't know if there is a fine line between just a friendly conversation or disrespect being the details I described. I mean, my boyfriend wasn't even socializing with her brothers that came too.. Please HELP!

[talaniman]

Why have you not asked your boy friend what was all the long conversation about, or at least pointed out that its rude to speak in a language you can't understand as you were right there?

Now if they didn't respect your request, then I would have been really pissed, but as it is, I think there were a few things you could have to try to change the situation.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, why did you not go back and sit with them before,
? Check laundry ? Or go ask him or them to come outside with you.
Or ask them to speak english ?

I am sorry, while he did not show good manners, you could have done many things differently

[HurtScorpio]

I don't understand why your boyfriend, if this girl spoke English, felt the need to change the conversation to Spanish, especially for that length of time. I think he crossed the line big time as he knew you had no idea what they were speaking about. I think you could have, as you saw the time frame becoming inappropriate, tap him on the shoulder or pull him aside and tell him you'd appreciate him speaking in English sop you could all speak together. If he refused then you would know something was off. I still think something is weird about this because that is a long time and he continued to speak in Spanish the whole time. Did he at any point during all this ask if you were OK? Did he address your feelings at all? Did you bring the subject up to him at all or act like nothing happened?

[outsiderviews1]

Hurt Scorpio,
Sorry for the late response, but I will answer--I was beyond pulling him aside to ask if he could speak in English--Cmon, I feel he SHOULD know better. He knows when his family (who all speak fluent English) chooses to speak in Spanish for long periods, it makes me feel kind of left out--so what makes this any different?

Another reason for my not pulling him aside is because I didn't want to look stupid I guess, saying, "excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute?" because it would look obvious that something was wrong--idk.. I just hate having to be put in that situation to begin with...

I had to cut their conversation short when I told him it was time for us to leave because he was staying at my house that night. That's the only reason why the conversation between them ended when it did...

... and I was acting a little cold afterwards--he asked me what was wrong, but I said nothing--only because every time I express something, he just seems irritated by it and doesn't have anything to say. Therefore, I never feel like anything gets resolved. I've just conditioned myself to hold a lot in because it's like talking to a brick wall when I have a concern/opinion about anything..

[southamerica]

I agree Talaniman and Chuck in that you needed to bring up your concerns if you wanted him to address them.

Personally I see nothing particularly "off" about a person chatting for a long period with an old friend from childhood. Remember that though they both spoke English, Spanish is their first language (I'm only guessing at that). And you never asked them to revert to English so again, that's on you.

If you're unwilling to communicate your discontent, then you can't blame him for not living up to invisible standards.

It's been a month now though so I hope that you feel better and if not I hope you've communicated with him about your concerns. Communication and understanding is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship!

[outsiderviews1]

South America,

Spanish is not necessarily their first language. They were both born and raised here and are completely American. If you read my response under Hurt Scorpios comment, you may understand more...

Moreover, is it not a given that if your boyfriend speaks in a different language in front of you (for a long period of time)-- regardless whether it be to a female or male, that it is still rude?

[southamerica]

Yes I was just reading your responses to HurtScorpio, we must have been writing at the same time because they weren't there when I was writing my response.

I think, if you haven't already, you should talk to him about your concerns. This is clearly bugging you, and honestly it would bug me too... which is why I'd bring it up.

You say that you're not accustomed to bringing things up with him because his reaction is to become irritated or quiet... but you CAN'T let it turn into that. Either you both learn to communicate with each other or the relationship is going to fail sooner or later.

Try speaking to him about this conversation he had with this girl, but be calm and try to let go of any preconceptions you have. Forget any idea you might have of "something" going on between them, and just simply say, "Something has been bugging me about the party your parents threw in July. I felt really left out and disregarded when you spoke to so-and-so in Spanish for two hours. I have tried to just let it go but it's still bugging me and I really need to hear from you that there's nothing to worry about, and I really need you to remember me when you start to switch to Spanish because my feelings get hurt when I feel like you've forgotten me."

Something to that effect, focus on how YOU feel and not on making assumptions about him. Let him speak for himself.

Please come back and let us know how it works out. If you can't establish a way to communicate healthily with him, then the relationship may have bigger problems than this one circumstance.

[talaniman]

Applying some truthful humor goes a long way in dealing with rudeness, and keeps you from sulking about it later. For example "What are you two jabbering about, speak English why don't ya?" Yes its rude of them, but not saying something about it is just as rude.

Its like someone stepping on your toes, and you saying "OW", it gives them a chance to say SORRY, and correct themselves.

[outsiderviews1]

Problem is--with no exxageration, whenever I have any concern, it never gets resolved. I know how to communicate very well and I've done nothing, but to stress to him the importance of communication--I always tell him, you not ever having anything to say about any of my feelings is causing a bridge between us beause I'm starting to shut down. It makes me feel bad. I'll even break it down like a baby and say ok--what is on your mind at this very instant and he'll just say nothing, I'm blank??

It just doesn't seem to matter. I've been with this person for 2 years--I get nothing when I express a concern. And this goes for regular conversation as well-- just having a good conversation about anything--i get dead silence on the other end--i'll wait first for the feedback or I'll ask "what do you think about that?" if he hasn't said anything..

In response, I will get one of the following: silence, a shrug of the shoulders, or an "I dont know." Its quite frustrating, and I'm assuming I'm opening another can of worms to a deeper issue that may be present...

I bet your next concern will be than why am I even in this relationship? I do love him, I hold on to the little bit of interaction that we do have.. I guess just hoping that something will improve, because I just find it beyond my comprehension..

... and when I really stop to analyze what it is--besides not confronting relationship issues--he doesn't have a strong interest in more deep conversation either.

Of course, we exchange words and talk, but it's the type of small talking you do when your physically in each others presence and your out and about doing things, running errands, etc--am I making sense?

When I'm with a person for a while and have invested a lot of time and energy I will do everything in my power to make it work.. I even suggested we talk to a counseler about this because I care for him and I want to feel I'm in a healthy, satisfying relationship. But of course, he totally disregarded my suggesting we go together for therapy... so I just don't know anymore..

[southamerica]

I bet your next concern will be than why am I even in this relationship? I do love him, I hold on to the little bit of interaction that we do have..i guess just hoping that something will improve, because I just find it beyond my comprehension..

You're a mind reader. But... it appears I don't need to ask you the question because you already know your answer. Two years is a substantial amount of time, and might be worth some couple's therapy.

You have a choice here, and you seem to have a pretty good idea of where you stand and what's going on in this relationship. The bottom line is: you can decide if you're okay with this relationship as it is, and okay with it being this way until... who knows... a breakup, a marriage, the continuation of the relationship, etc. You can also decide that you have needs, and that they aren't being met. You can decide that you want to fight for the relationship AND fight for yourself, and he either joins that fight or not.

In the end it's your decision. I'm not really sure what or if you want me/us to say anymore.

You asked if his behavior at the party was weird and we said yes BUT you could have helped yourself by communicating. Now you bring up communication issues but it's unclear if you want help resolving those issues or if you're just content keeping things as they are.

Let me know, I will (and WANT to) do my best to give you suggestions for how to improve things.

[talaniman]

It would be a lot easier if you use the answer feature, instead of the comment one.

[outsiderviews1]

Yes, as you know, when I'm asking a questionm on here, it's hard for people to "get" the whole picture, by me just addressing [one concern]. There's with no doubt, other problems I'm facing here and although I have a very good idea of what's going on in this relationship because it's only evident--I don't know where I stand at times because the communication is so bad--it takes two to tango and I can express it all until I'm blue in the face, but if he won't budge and will either get irked by me having a concern or won't give any feedback at all, there's nothing I can do on my end to help us anymore.

The only thing left to think of is that he just doesn't want me in his life anymore, which is the only thing that can explain his behavior--but then why tell me you do, and at the same time look miserable that your with me.

And believe, if something is bothering him outside our relationship , he WILL express that--and I always listen & empathize with him. I've even made it a point--like, see I listen to your concerns--why don't you do the same for me?

I resort to friends, family, or a computer to vent and get advice--and it doesn't seem to phase him when I say that.

[southamerica]

So... what do you think? Do you think you're worth more than this? Because I think you are.

The question is are you ready to do something about it? You can stand up for yourself and say "I deserve better. I deserve to have a voice. I deserve to be listened to."

It's up to you...

[HurtScorpio]

To clarify, since people on this site twist my words around often, what I said was as she, outsidersviews1, saw the time frame of the conversation becoming long and that became uncomfortable for her that they were still speaking in a language she did not understand, at that point she could have asked him ,"Hey -what's up?" or revert to English and if he "refused" meaning he continued speaking Spanish with the girl she would know something was "off". I did not mean that a long conversation with a friend is wrong however I do agree that it was rude of him, as she said regardless of male or female to disregard the fact that she was even there. Was she supposed to sit there and just listen to them speak in a language she did not understand and stare at them? She could have used humor as Talaniman said but she attempted to occupy herself probably figuring he would miss her and he just kept babbling. I understand the type of guy who darts confrontation and uses the silent treatment but that is unfair to you because that is his way of getting out of things. So, I would address it and tell him it is not acceptable to you and it was not appropriate. I must quote Dr. Phil by saying ,"You teach people the way they treat you." So, if you are his doormat and allow it, that is what it will be. Set down your standards and if he is an ***, then I would tell him there are other men out there -scare him. You are not totally to blame here.

[outsiderviews1]

I would just like to give you all an update on this whole fiasco--I am no longer with this person anymore. It's actually been a month.. a long, hard month... things just continued to get worse and worse. I felt like he was purposely not caring about anything so I would initiate the breakup. It's the only conclusion I could come up with.

In the middle of July, we took a day trip to the beach.. a conversation came up (again) about him in the near future being on his own.. He always mentions how he wants to move out of his family's house already. However, it always ends there. He doesn't take the initiative to start the process (save $, make a goal, decision, etc.) I try to encourage him that he can make it a reality and as its been initiated by him before, that we will get our own place together... I was even willing to make sacrifices and try to start a life down in Florida with him because he loves it and wants to move there.. I love it there too and I want nothing more than to start our lives together on a whole new level... well--news flash to me: This time around, any future plans he had of moving out did not include me. I was floored. Completely brokenhearted when he said "no offense to you, but I rather live with a guy friend." I was in complete shock when I heard those words come out of his mouth.

Although at that very moment I felt like my future plans and dreams with him might never be a reality, I still ATTEMPTED to keep my composure. I was so hurt though. I was aching so bad inside. This whole while of poor communication from him.. me trying to figure him out, or telling myself everything will work out fine.. he's just not expressive, but he loves me so everything will work out in its due time--well all that was now out the window. I needed to get away for a minute. I decided to go out in the water because I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I didn't want him to see.

Well, he followed me into the water, so I held it back, although he knew there was something wrong. He asked what's the matter? Like if he didn't know! I hate when people do that.. So I said, this is news to me that you don't see us living together in the near future.. I asked him why he gave me a promise ring a few months ago-- which I refuse to even wear anymore because of all the hurt I've been going through with him. His answer: "I don't know."

At that point the tears came streaming down my eyes and he just held me with no other response...

This all happened in the middle of July... the whole beach incident was dismissed.. just more for me to hold in... I decided to plan a weekend trip for us somewhere aound the 1st week of August. I just want to have good times with him--thought it would be a good idea.. I booked the mini vaca and long behold, yet another incident occurs.. my guy friend and his girl cousin asked me to go to applebees for a quick bite to eat. I told him I was going to go and I'd be back home in a couple hours. He freaked about it and ignored me for an entire week.. no text, call, not a word... he tried contacting me right before the trip that I had planned for us, but it was too late.. I canceled it and that was the last straw for me...

I told him I couldn't deal with everything. It's just too much!--he said fine, if that's what you want I'll let you be and that was the last we spoke. He wanted some stuff back that I had of his, I gave it to him & that was it.. It has been 4 weeks, and not a word..

[talaniman]

Consider yourself free of this burden, and no longer have to settle for less than you deserve, like love, respect, and honesty, but I am sorry for your loss. I know it hurts but all break ups suck, even when you have a lousy partner in the first place, it still hurts.