[catmeow88]

Hey , I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now , and just recently he has told me that I'm not allowed to drink anymore and go out to town anymore. His reason is because he's insecure and he worries when I go out I will met someone or get hit on etc. I was quite mad about it and said your pretty much taking my social life away from me , as that is how myself and my friends have a good time together , we party and when he met me I was already partying and doing the same thing so its not like all of a sudden I've started going out to town. And he also said if I don't stop going out and drinking he will leave me! ARGHH am I being selfish by not giving those things up or is he just being unreasonable??

[Jake2008]

It really gets to me that you (and others in similar circumstances) allow your liberty to be taken from you, and find yourself consenting to being controlled by another person.

While his insecurity needs are being fed, your need for your own personal freedom, are not. You are giving up far too much to satisfy his needs. And, those needs of his are unreasonable, and a sign of poor emotional health. A person who needs to control a person, has problems. Period.

And typically what you will find out is that while he finds the need to control 'others' from hitting on you, this is only the beginning. Soon it will be him finding fault with you inviting or enticing other men through the clothes you wear, your makeup, how you walk, how you talk, etc. Nothing will be off limits as he will only put out one fire (as he sees it) before another one crops up.

These types of situations, also typically, over time, result in physical violence when you start to question, argue, or change his need to control. Him being insecure and unable to trust and see that the problem he has is a relationship killer, results in him having so little control over himself, that he will fight to keep the control he has- over you. Trying to please him, reason with him, argue with him, etc. will ultimately have no effect. To him, these are roadblocks that he has to knock off, one by one.

Why you would choose a partner like that is beyond me. Other than, in the beginning, he likely didn't show the flip side of his personality. It comes gradually, when he sees you as a willing, workable partner, and moulds you into the person he wants you to be. He does not come out of the starting gate with enough respect or maturity toward you to respect you, and if he did, you would not be here right now in this forum.

Please think beyond this impasse of him not wanting you to go out. Think about how it makes you feel, what the possible outcome might be, and consider too that you cannot change him. You may think you can, but what you will have to do in order to do that, is lose yourself totally to meet his needs.

That, is a very sad place to be.

[Fr_Chuck]

Of course playing the other note, almost every horror story on relationships start. ( well I was just out drinking)

Obviously he feels that when you party perhaps you go to excess?

I would have to say that of course, if he meet you as a drunk, he is in a relationship with one, and should not expect it to change,

Opinion, both of you have little reason to be out party without the other, since it is the start of bad events in most cases

[talaniman]

You have enough evidence to walk away from this guy, as he will get a lot more controlling if you let him.

[catmeow88]

Thanks for the feed back!

Chuck I'm not a drunk , I probably would go out to town with my friends a couple of times a month and that would be the only time I would drink, but I understand where you were coming from.

[amicon]

Manipulative behaviour almost always escalates-time to call it quits.