[Clemintine]

Hi there, I'm struggling with a lot of things in my life at the moment and maybe I just need to vent it out in word form, it might help, but it would also help if anyone had insight or advice or anything. I am so tired so damn tired. This post is stupidly long I'm sorry, and also lots of gory details so... just so you are aware =/

I have some kind of anxiety disorder, I've been told "General Anxiety Disorder" is my problem and I believe it sort of, and know this to be at least part of my problems. I worry and have fears and anxieties to the point where it interferes with my quality of life, my sleep my happiness my productivity my motivation my overall health. Sometimes I want to kill myself, but not all the time and it's now usually just a reaction to a very stressful day, or if I think too much about my life it comes across as a valid idea. I cut myself when I was younger (Middle school and on) as a way of coping, two years ago I swallowed pills and liquor in a stupid and unsuccessful attempt on my life. Right now though none of this goes on.

I had a rough morning today, I slept three hours last night then I woke up to help a friend with a film as an extra, I spent most of the time drawing and waiting. (I'm an artist by the way) I was working on a very detailed ink picture when I left it alone to use the washroom and in that time the crew had begun cleanup, someone took this drawing and threw it out with the rest of the garbage. I'm glad I found it but, it was buried in half cooked prop Chinese food. I salvaged it from this wreckage and I'm going to continue working on it... but I was really upset by this, the day before I heard several remarks on how it was a "doodle" and I would grind my teeth, but smile as there isn't much I can say in those moments. It bothers me when people tell me my very detailed and time consuming artwork is simply a doodle, that they doodle like that too, that they see people draw like that all the time.
If my artwork didn't feel devalued enough on the same day that three people call it a doodle, someone puts the wet bottom of a cup they are handing to me right on top of it. Believe me when I say I saw them hesitate for a half second with eyes on my art, before they continued the motion right onto my picture. I let out a sad but quiet noise of dismay, they ignored it and didn't apologize... and then the next day someone takes it and throws it in the garbage! When I think about it now I am laughing with the ridiculousness of the situation, and I'm almost more excited to persevere and finish this piece after it's been through so much ridicule.

I don't sleep well normally, I wake up often in the night. There is mold in my apartment and the landlords are taking months to fix it. I'm terrified of taking legal action against them, or asking for discounted rent because I love this apartment and location... I don't want to do anything to risk losing it. On days where I am angry enough to throw that caution to the wind, my boyfriend is there to express those same worries and make me second guess what I'm doing. So we can't do much but send annoying emails asking about what's going on and how long they will be.
I have been sick since February because of this mold problem. I am having sneezing fits of more than 5 sneezes when it happens which is not normal for me at all, (partially why I can't get a good nights sleep as I sometimes wake up sneezing) my nose is runny constantly WHILE it's stuffed and I can't breathe through it, which is ****ing stupid and thinking about it makes me angry ugh I just generally feel tired and horrible. A lot of people tell me it's just allergies, I've never had allergies in my entire life though and I don't think it's coincidence that the year I move into a new place where mold is beside my bed that I just happen to get them that year. Unless the mold turned on some hidden part of me that will now react to the environment and I do have allergies now... which would suck ._.

Every morning I fight with myself to get out of bed and start my day, I fret and take a long time even when I do get up early enough so that when I leave I still am almost late for work. I sometimes get an outfit ready before bed to speed it up, I leave my computer off, I make lunch beforehand, I check the weather forecast all of this doesn't help me in leaving on time. I have been told I'm agoraphobic from a psychiatrist and I see it in my morning behavior of delaying the leaving my home process. It happens on days off too when friends invite me out. I used to have frequent panic attacks before work that would delay me, this was before I found a more relaxed job though and those calmed down. Apparently agoraphobia can be more than afraid of being outside as it's most commonly thought of as. For me I can be fearful of the commute in general, the basic just having to leave and get somewhere stirs up the sensation for me, even leaving work to walk home has caused me to panic before and that is recently.
My boyfriend has horrible cleaning, or rather not cleaning, habits. It stresses me out as I like to be clean, I like to clean, I am stupidly observant that it's almost annoying because I am constantly noticing dust and dirt. I clean to manage anxiety sometimes, and when I do so I just notice more and more that needs to be cleaned, it gets very overwhelming sometimes. Yes I have talked with my boyfriend, explained my thoughts and feelings and it gets us nowhere. We've just finished couples counseling, this was a topic we discussed and I think he tries his best to help out around the house.
He doesn't go out often on his own whims, I think if he had it his way he would not leave our home. He doesn't work currently or go to school and is dealing with his own anxieties which are hindering him from doing these things, even enjoying daily life. Actually, he isn't dealing, or he wouldn't until I encouraged him to seek his own counselor as our couples counselor had instructed us too as part of continuing on the road of making our relationship better for us. I went right away to find my own help, he has been hesitant and I explained how it was very upsetting as I thought it was still really important on making our lives easier and full of better times.
We plan to see career counselors on my days off, but I highly doubt this will happen... as usual (We've been planning too do this for months) and I try to shake the negative thinking out of my head, as I know these thoughts only perpetuate any nagging I do and my own bad feelings. It's hard though, but I do try to be positive... it used to be easy to be optimistic and positive.

I can't keep things out of my bubble, I have a hard time drawing the line between my problems and my friends problems, or work problems. My "bubble" is my space, it is where only things that pertain to me are, it surrounds me and nothing else should be in this bubble except my thoughts my worries and hopes and my dreams and nobody should be invading upon this space. I grew up in a family with an alcoholic dad and a depressed/anxious/psychotic mother. I learned that in my family there are no emotional boundaries, and in growing up this way I have carried it into the rest of my life as how normal people must act. Your family can tell you what to do and how to feel and you should be worried about things that are out of your control. My mom can impose her crushing anxiety on me by telling me (when I'm at an adult age) that I cannot drive at night, it's too dangerous and she wouldn't so I can't either. She would put me in my nice Sunday best dress while getting ready for some fancy family dinner and tell me to stand up straight, then walk up to me and push in my tummy, she would say "That's better" when I held it in. My father will taunt me when I have said "I'm tired" to the usual "How are you?" question too often, being an alcoholic he will be very self absorbed and expect everyone else to cater to what he is doing, it's fine if he texts or answers calls during a lunch with his daughter. He is always right and has instilled, at least in his daughter, enough fear so that she can't bring it up for fear that he will probably yell and that is the worst. If you cry you are overreacting and you shouldn't get offended if he calls your hair a "rats nest" or tells you that you smell and then sprays your coat down with Febreeze when he drops you off for high school.

I'm in the process of reversing this it's okay to let problems invade my bubble thinking, I am trying to adopt the "Everything will turn out alright, i am loved and it's safe, i have the support of my loved ones and when things go wrong i can lean on them and get through this in one piece. Things can be safe and good in my life." mentality, instead of my usual "When things go wrong, they go wrong and then get worse. Everything will go wrong eventually, nothing can be stable or safe you must be ready for the worst at all times." thinking. It's hard but learning this "bubble" imagery has helped some.
It took me a few months to notice I take others problems and put them in my bubble and make it my problem, that I worry stress over and try to fix as if it were mine to fix. Sometimes my head creates problems that I imagine other people around me have or if I believe someone is worrying about something, I make it a reality and I put it in my bubble. Over a small amount of time I believe this person does feel like that for real, and it affects me and how I might act with or around them. When in fact I had only made this problem up from speculation. I am working on not doing this and gladly in the process I have learned the importance of the meaning "face value". I've become sick of when people read into things, especially to such an extent that they make up a whole scenario and believe it haha, I'm really enjoying not worrying past what people actually say aloud. It's still taking concentration to do so, and to not become so blunt that I don't notice subtle hints when it's important... but I'm making progress everyday with this. The hardest is my job and work stress, I do not know how to get it out of my bubble, or rather just not take it home with me.

Although I have a relaxing job, even if its not what I want to be doing. I am working right now actually, it's really slow. I have an awesome amount of free time to work on my art, which my boss is okay with. I used to work at a café, and before that a movie theatre with horrible bosses in each place that only helped break down my sanity and self esteem. So landing this relaxed job was the best part of my young dead end job life, even if now it's still causing me long term stress buildup. I sell clothes but I have a maximum of 6 people come in to look at these clothes in a usual day, and almost nobody buys them. This is when I feel like a horrible employee, for all the cleaning and hard work I do to keep the store organized and in order (I was once called "the glue that holds this place together" by the owner) I still suck at sales. I do not ignore my customers, I am as attentive and friendly as I can be... But I am just not a good salesperson. It's not in my personality, it's not where my strengths are I guess, I don't know, I don't give off the right vibe? I do all I was trained to do, and more, I research how to be a good salesperson and read and try every bit of advice from these. I constantly apply myself but in the eyes of my boss I am no good for it, and in the eyes of my customers I am awkward. It sucks to put that much energy into something that gives nothing back, that you can't actually excel at. In most sales advice pages it says you must be a happy outgoing and enthusiastic person, maybe when I was in middle school I was, but not now. Not years later when I am wracked by anxiety and low self esteem, I can't exactly live up to that description even when I'm trying my hardest.

When I have my two days off, I am often interrupted by calls to come into work... which I feel extremely obligated to go in to because I am the only employee other than the owner. He is being slow with hiring a new person for the summer and I don't exactly have the power to hire someone myself. I mean I'm capable of it and willing too... but I don't know if it's acceptable and I won't try to go over the owners head. I sent my boss an email asking about hiring people and for him to declare what my role is in store, it's taken him over a week to reply. He says "We will talk in person" which you can imagine for someone with anxiety issues is a scary phrase as it leaves too much to my imagination to think of what might be said. My boss is incredibly flaky and pulls a ton of illegal stops at this work place, which I ignore because I don't want to be fired for making a scene about all of it. Some are actually serious legal issues, others is just plain business rules that should be followed: Not notifying me about schedule changes (as in asking me that day to work when I was not scheduled) Closing the store for 5 weeks and having almost no changes renovation wise when I was under the impression it was a 1 week reno, paying me late and not giving me a correct pay stub with my information, no hot water in the store, decreasing my wage without consulting me, not paying proper vacation time... the list goes on...

I have such little assertiveness, I'm just so worried I'll be fired, I do not want to deal with that blow to myself worth, which for some reason I get self worth from working since it's the only thing I have going on in my life right now. I do not want to go on EI, or have to find a new job and pretend to be happy and outgoing and alive in an interview only to really have my true self show up weeks after being hired and then suddenly all my co workers and my boss hate me... I don't want to worry about not making rent or anything else aaaaaugh...

Along with feeling tired and sick all the time I have stress acne that comes and goes, it's horrible and embarrassing. I have a chronic anal fissure which doesn't go away and I've become too embarrassed to talk about with the doctors as I've tried and failed to heal it many times, I also may have hemorrhoids which is also horribly embarrassing and just makes it that much harder to go. I have painful bowel movements from the fissure, and then sometimes no pain but a lot of blood from what I assume is hemorrhoids. This anal fissure has gone on since I was 18 and I'm 23 now, although I think this hemorrhoid problem had started only a few months ago. I'm an idiot for not checking right away I know, but if it took me three months to work up the courage and push myself to the doctors to deal with feeling this anxiety taking over my life, I think I see how it could take me years to bundle up enough mental courage to deal with a bleeding anus.

I have been missing periods, which has been scaring the hell out of me, I had an abortion when I was 17 and it's left me with an already uncomfortable view of pregnancy blown into an extremely exaggerated fear of the whole thing. I'm not pregnant, thankfully, but that just seems worse. This is a problem I know nothing about and have never dealt with. I had always been regular until now, and I am on birth control to make it even more so. I have had Nabothian cysts removed when they covering my cervix so much it might impact the blood flow, having them removed freaked me out. Anyway I thought this was the case again, I went to the doctor and had some blood taken because she thinks it's hormone or stress related not cysts.
I also showered recently with new soap and when I was young I used to have a vaginal rash from the wrong kind of soap, since using this different soap I have that same pain again but I don't see a rash. I took a closer look the other night and I actually have small cuts right above and around my clitoris that bleed (well if I'm poking around them they do, derp) and it freaked me out. I guess I could have cut myself when I shaved, but I don't see how I got past the labia and so close to the clitoris? Ugh. Needless to say, it itches and is uncomfortable and painful as it's trying to heal and I doubt it's yeast infection because it's not stinging as I urinate or anything...

I think that doctor I saw about my periods might be right about it being hormone related though, since I've had stress for a long time and it didn't affect anything unless it happens suddenly for no reason like that... anyway... I have no sexual desire, no I have some, just very little, almost zero. I used to have lots, I was WILD hardy har har, but it's all pretty much gone now. I don't think about sex nearly as often as I used too, it doesn't cross my thoughts as it normally would have and when it does or if I do it doesn't turn me on, or very rarely does and only a very very small bit of arousal happens that is pretty much gone as soon as it would start. Doesn't matter if I'm thinking of my boyfriend or of a hot anyperson there is just very little reaction. I think that is mostly stress related... but now, maybe it has been my hormones all along? It's been about 3 years since this came upon me (my boyfriend and I have been together 5, yes I know the "honeymoon" phase is over, but this doesn't mean I should have lost all sexual desire in that case) and I haven't had sex for a few months now, and before that another few. Basically this year I've had sex three times ish and other sexual activities happened around four times. Last year was twice... This greatly upsets me, I am not okay with being so nonsexual. I'm so dead feeling inside, I feel like a husk of a human most of the time. It has not left for real, because I went on vacation not too long ago and that whole month I was away I felt ALIVE and turned on when I thought about things... it all died once I came back home. I guess that isn't hormones then, that probably is all stress ._.

Most of my emotions are numbed, actually... that's a lie... I have no clue how I feel ever except for when I feel in the moment. Right now I feel numb, and tired so ****ing tired, I don't feel depressed but I have zero energy and I'm unmotivated. I know I have a problem where, when I am in a moment of emotions or no emotions everything in that space and moment is the only thing that's happening, the only thing that ever happens. That's "always how i feel" or "always how it is" when in fact it's not and I do feel different things at different times. It goes beyond just not being able to remember those times, it's like I could remember them if I tried but it doesn't seem real, I am so far removed from that memory or emotion that it doesn't change how I feel in the present... ugh.. hard to explain, there is a term for this but I'm forgetting it... Basically if I'm sad, I feel sad and express how I feel sad all the time and no there wasn't a point in the day that I felt satisfied or happy, when in fact there could have been but I just can't relate to it at all anymore, or I just don't remember it.

I do have a horrible memory for recalling my activities, I forget what I did yesterday, last week, last month because it's all blurred into one long period. I remember my dreams more often than anyone else I know, and in vivid detail, but I can't remember to take a replacement garbage bag for the bathroom upstairs when I have to pee like 8 times a day at work. I'll remember someone's birthday when I've heard it said to me once, or a phone number, or some random fact from the internet, or something a friend of mine mentioned in passing they would like one day and I recall it months later and give it as a gift. I have memories from when I was two turning three, and I know when you look back upon memories from childhood they are re coloured in your adult thoughts so they are not totally accurate, but that doesn't mean I can't remember the images of what I did when I was that young. I do remember being in a crib pretending I was a caged lion and only eating the marsh mellows out of the bowl of (dry) lucky charms I had as a snack. I remember using those paint by numbers or those water painting booklets they used to have, I remember sneaking out at 4 am to go wake up my neighbour and hide in his tree house snuggling and "reading" picture books. I wish I had grown up with a stable and reliable family.

I have random pains all over my body, they are not connected with anything actually wrong with me physically that I know of, it's purely from stressing out and not sleeping well. It still hurts and doesn't help that it perpetuates my auto jumping to the worst scenario when a pain in my left arm starts and I think I'm having a heart attack or a blood clot.

I'm absolutely terrified of spiders and in the last week I have seen 9 too many, in my home and at work. I'm okay with them being outside in their little natural homes, they are actually quite amazing creatures! If I pick up my teaspoon and I'm about to stir my tea though, and there is a pale white spider perched in the spoon it is not okay. SO not okay. I can't kill them either since they can't help that they are so ****ing creepy or skitter or dangle in such a way that makes my skin crawl no they can't help it so... I usually capture and put them outside. Even though I read recently that's as good as killing some spiders as they've evolved to live indoors mostly nowadays... ): Still, they upset me to the core, the closet at work is full of them. I feel constantly tense because I always think a spider is near, about to crawl on me. What scares me the most is not biting or poison spiders... Just if they dangle and get in my face, or are on the ceiling above me or crawl on the back of my neck, or get in my hair. It's horrifying to think about and it puts me on the ****ing edge. If ever I feel anything touching my skin, a prickle or tingle or anything I can't help but mentally scream SPIDER! And brush the mental spider off me, it gets tired living constantly aware of this but I don't know how to block it out or stop the auto thoughts.

I pick at myself a lot, I go from picking at scabs and acne on my body and face to pulling out certain hairs on my head one by one (hairs that are wavy hidden amidst my straight hair, they feel wrong and it bothers me to no end that they even exist on my head) Also plucking out genital hairs one by one... I've even picked at my boyfriends back which he doesn't like so he's not enabling me in this or anything and I try to stop... Which I've gotten better at not doing! Whether on myself or him, if I just feel an imperfection, or bump, or see a red spot I have to pick it off even if it looks worse afterwards, it still somehow feels better than before. Sometimes I don't notice I'm doing this, then other times I totally do and get into it and I can't stop. If I'm interrupted I feel all wrong and horrible and I have to keep going, no amount of distraction stops the feeling... as far as I know, but I probably don't shake it off for long enough.

When I stop one form of picking, the other one starts. Lately I'm back to picking my cuticles, I pull them right off and they bleed and it hurts but I don't care. After I do, when I'm sort of out of the trance or phase of it, I get annoyed I could do that to myself. It keeps happening and when I stop doing this to myself one way, another way of "picking" starts up again, I don't know how I can help that bit since it's how I cope with stress I guess.

I do not know how to relax, I am told to relax often and to not worry. Right because I can just turn it off at will right? I wish.
I know how to distract myself from thinking about things that will lead me into a anxiety crazed state, but that is different and it is not relaxing. Sleeping or napping is another form of distraction... Not that sleep is bad and that the distract method isn't good, in fact it's how I can get over panic attacks sometimes, but for when I'm in a relatively sedentary state but I'm about halfway in a 1-10 anxiety scale... I do not know how to face the fears and worries, move past them let go of them and just RELAX. HOW do people do this?

I ramble, I have a hard time shortening things into simple information and facts, hence this fiasco...

One thing my brain does easily is change it's way of thinking, I easily adapt to new ways or looking at and thinking about things so long as I understand it properly. If there is one thing I LOVE is I love knowing... just in general. I love knowing why things happen, and when I know why something is happening and I know what it is and why it is and I understand it from learning about it, it's very easy to just... change how I feel about it. If that makes sense.
My mom used to stop me from going out with my friends sometimes when I was young, I would ask why I couldn't? I knew if I had a reason I could apply it to the situation and maybe feel better about it, know her perspective and be able to understand that and move on, but no my mom would always reply with "because i said so" needless to say this drove me nuts.
I learned that I like to know things at least, I think a lot of people would agree with that... but I feel like it goes a bit farther for me.
Okay... example is I was recently dealing with a lot of jealousy regarding the reason why my boyfriend and I ended up in counseling. He had had a crush on one of my closest friends for years, it's "gone" now which I never believed but we drew a blank slate and worked it out and started over. I knew a lot of the jealousy was drawing upon my insecurities in the relationship (but not all the jealousy was just from that, as it was an emotional affair) I forgave him and it wouldn't bother me again. I lost that friendship with that friend due to other disagreements in our time knowing each other... but recently we've re connected and become friends again. As soon as my boyfriend told me something though, my burning jealousy returned (but not as potently, since we've been able to discuss and work through things more easily now) when he admitted he is afraid he might start to like her again, since he would hear me talk about my friend and I's hang outs a lot...
Anyway, I was okay calm and we talked it out, a few days passed and I am struck by a sickening jealousy, I am worried and upset and ugh. What got me past years and years of this extreme jealousy I had been dealing with was reading a simple article online about open relationships (since we earlier had been talking about that option, didn't pursue it though no real desire too) In the article it talks about dealing with jealousy in the exact way I could relate too. It was a very big emotional hump to get over but as I read and understood jealousy more and what causes it, that it's fear of this and that (at least it is for me) I could get over it. Granted it took a few days for it to sink in and my brain to work it out but I'm really no longer bothered in the slightest by the situation. (Of course it does help we have had the therapy and the communicating in a much better way, and we feel safe with each other) Even when they are in the same room now and talking and laughing I am there laughing too, enjoying my time with friends and not a thought comes along about being jealous. I am really amazed I could get past jealousy like this from just understanding it properly and knowing about it. I really REALLY used to be horrifically jealous sometimes ._.

Another example would be in a couples counseling session it was brought up how I have a hard time asking my boyfriend for things that I genuinely need from him (a hug or comfort when I need it, or to spend a day together simple stuff like this) I got in the habit of instead implying what I wished would happen, or what I wished he would do. Honestly though most guys don't pick up on this kind of subtlety from their partners. It was suggested that when I was growing up I must have had "No" said to me a lot by my parents when I needed them the most. When I say... need them the most, I guess for me that is usually in very small ways that wouldn't seem important but they were extremely important to me. Play with me, hug me because I stepped on a pin, teach me how to bake cupcakes, small things that would have reinforced caring and love and compassion... and it obviously hurt me enough times asking for that vital attention that I learned a bad defense for my feelings, how to kind of hint ask but not actually flat out ask so I wouldn't be hurt if someone had still said no, somehow that spared my feelings.

Anyway, it worked for growing up, but does not in a relationship so, once I knew this I changed it right away. I'm told that's weird, how easily I can undo years of programmed behaviour from my environment and adopt a new way of dealing the next day. I have no problem now asking for the things I need, I am assured he will say yes, and it goes both ways for us.

It's good for times like that, but I can be swayed in bad ways too I'm getting really tired so I'm forgetting these examples though... uggh

Well, that's a long ramble... I think what I was talking about with my brain liking to know things and change, brings me to my last thought/point then... taking in the load of all this I just wrote, what is some advice, any advice this awesome community could offer? How to change my thinking... Say something to help me understand what's happening and why... maybe suggestions on what I can do to relax, anything might help me out here is all. I don't even know for sure if I do or what my "disorder" is, I can't even research whatever is happening fully so I can help myself... I have to rely on the outside looking in since I can't really get a clear view of myself and my problems.

Thank you for listening, so so much, and thank you for any replies

[Wondergirl]

I'm very surprised you were able to post all that. I thought the word count was limited.

It was interesting how you went from first person to third and second and then back to first.

Please see a doctor for the mold allergies (or at least try Benadryl), use a bleach solution on that mold in your apartment, and find a counselor for the panic attacks, self-mutilation, possible agoraphobia, et al.

You are an artist. Are you also a writer?

[Clemintine]

Thank you for replying!
I've used bleach, It comes back though, but I do it again. I need to see the doc for so many things that when I have any time to go outside of working I just get really aggravated about going and I stay in... I'll make my way there somehow though. I've been seeking counseling help for half a year now and nothing is really helping, though I know it takes time. My last psychiatrist was a referral so I could see her free, but she spent 90% of the time talking about herself and being very contradicting of her own advice to me, it was not what I needed... I stopped seeing her. I'm with a new counselor now, but it's at a volunteer counseling center with most volunteers still in their schooling since I can't afford anything else at this point so I'm not sure how much help I'll actually get so far...
I write sometimes, poetry or small bits of a story idea, but never finished much, It's not what I would identify myself with you could say haha

[Wondergirl]

Thank you for replying!

You're welcome. I figure anyone who would take the time to write all that deserves a reply. :)

I've used bleach, It comes back though, but i do it again.

A bleach solution does clean but removes only so much and for only so long. What is causing the mold to form?

I'll make my way [to the doctor] somehow though.

Anything I can do to move you faster?

I'm with a new counselor now, but it's at a volunteer counseling center with most volunteers still in their schooling since i can't afford anything else at this point so I'm not sure how much help I'll actually get so far...

I was one of those counselors and was darn good, plus had a professor/experienced counselor behind me watching my every move. Be honest and tackle one thing at a time. Some of your issues (as they are called) could be dealt with by using CBT. Ask your counselor about that.

I write sometimes, poetry or small bits of a story idea, but never finished much

It's time to start writing more. Write down your thoughts between sessions and give your "scribblings" (sort of like your "doodles") to your counselor to read. My "scribblings" have even been published. Maybe yours and your "doodles" will make you some money someday too. (My son is an artist who favors India ink line drawings.)

[Enigma1999]

Wow Clem! You are a very intelligent and interesting woman.

Normally I woudn't even read a post that long, however, I couldn't take my eyes off the screen. Your verbage and the way you express your thoughts and feelings... if you are not a writer, then you should really consider taking it up.

So here is my advce to you...

It seems as if you are very artistic, (I, myself, dabble in art AND cooking) so I would use that to your advantage. For me, painting, drawing, and cooking is very therapeutic. It really helps me relax. This may be something that you can try for relaxation.

I do realize that your situation goes deeper than just trying to find things to make you "relax". I also do believe that you need to speak to a counselor, and see a Doctor for your health issues.

Get a clean bill of health.

As for the mold... If it were me? I would get to the bottom of it. It is there responsibility to rectify this matter, ESPECIALLY, when it comes to the tenants health.

I see you live in Canada, I live in Arizona, I am unfamiluar with the legalities when it comes to renting apartments, and I'm not suggesting that you start a war with your landlord, however, mold is something not to be played with or to be dismissed.

Please have them rectify that.

I'm glad to hear that you and your boyfriend have been to counseling. Great start! Keep it up!

As for the jealousy... WOW! To be able to concour that. Most people have to deal with that for the rest of there lives.

You seem like a upstanding woman who has it together. I believe that you will find your way.

I wish you the best of luck.