[LadySam]

Forgive me in advance please if this gets lengthy.
What I have is not an actual question it is more about tips to cope with the sudden death of a co-worker.
Last Tuesday one of our co-workers was killed on her way home from work in a car accident. I have worked for 30 years and have never had to experience this. I work one day a week at a sister facility and that day was Wednesday, one of co-workers called me at lunch and told of the accident so that I wasn't just finding out when I returned to my full time facility on Thursday. I'm glad she did I at least had a chance to cycle through it somewhat.
Thursday was a bad day when I stepped back into the clinic knowing that she would not be there. I had to excuse myself often and to the bathroom I went to pull myself together, as did others.
The funeral was Friday, luckily I was off so could attend the services with no time constraints. I'm just returning today (Monday) another bad day. We all just kind of spent the day not talking about it and if we tried were in tears at the mention of her name.
I know healing and grieving take time, but the fact that this has never happened to us before is making it a little difficult to handle.
Usually the service cements it for me, I will always, remember that person and keep them in my heart, but I know I will never see them again.
Don't get me wrong, I am not discounting the others feelings, we are a pretty tight group but this has thrown us for a loop.
My particular situation is I have stomach ulcers and reflux, and when I am emotionally off kilter is when it really cuts up.
This was only day 2 and I wound up at home at lunch just to lie down because I was in such pain. Even with my meds if I get upset this seems to happen.
To make matters worse my coping mechanism has always been to get to work early put in a long hard day and be so tired by the time I got home I simply had to crash.
That obviousely isn't going to work here, I've tried to stay as busy as I can, hum a favorite tune, socialize with clients more. It simply isn't doing the job. And I can't work with ulcer pain and nausea.
Just like my co-workers I keep expecting her to come flying past us while she is doing her job.
She was and intregral part of our team and we miss her so much.
If anyone reading this has dealt with a workplace death, how did the others cope with it?
Should we speak of her whenever she is on our mind? Not mention it and let time take care of it?
Is it best to cope individually? We all need a little healing here, we don't feel whole.
And none of us really know how to handle this loss.
Actually I guess I am seeking advise for us all, but we need it.

[cdad]

Based on your situation Id say what you need is a get together with your coworkers and you can all discuss your feelings. Not just your own but how your friend was a part of your day and life. You need to try to do this outside working hours. Try to avoid the rumor mill and maybe gang together and do something for the family as they are making adjustments and coping with it also. If you were really close maybe make a scrap book of your friend and give it to the family as a rememberence. Every one is different but you can also cope as a group by giving of yourselves and when one needs a shoulder just be there.

I have dealt with something simaler and it was rough waters for awhile until we all got used to the idea of things that had happened. Give it time for the environment and your hearts to heal and keep in mind everyone has their own pace. Its time to let go and not just avoid until your numb. You need to heal too.

[Alty]

I've never dealt with the death of a co-worker, only death of loved ones in my family (mother, father, MIL, grandmothers, grandfathers, etc).

I find that talking about those I've lost helps a lot. Yes, it makes me cry, but the more I talk about them, the more they're still alive in my memory.

The fact is, everyone deals with loss in their own way. You have to do what's best for you. If remaining quiet is what you want, then do that. If you need to talk about that person, find people that also need to grieve in this way, and talk.

Therapy is always something to consider. It helped me a lot when my parents died (they died a little over 6 months apart).

You're not alone. You're all a team. Talk to each other.

[Wondergirl]

Even though it was a coworker, you've experienced a death in that family.

Mention her in conversation as you remember her goodnesses, her quirks, her silliness, and even her weaknesses. Perhaps you and your coworkers can donate jointly to a special fund or charity. Plant a pretty tree or bush in her memory. Remember her always.

[Enigma1999]

In sad situations like these, the best thing to do is to help each other out.

Everyone deals with this differently. Some people are going to excuse themselves to leave the room and cry, where others will keep their emotions to themselves.

For the people who cry, just listen to them, be a shoulder to cry on.

I used to work with this guy a while back for a few years who passed away. Every employee reacted in their own way. There was this lady who cried for a week straight at work. I would take her to the bathroom, and she would cry to me. "I just can't believe he's gone" She would say. I just listened to her.

This will take time for you and everyone else to heel.

My heart goes out to you. I wish there was more for me to say.

I wish you luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

And also remember not to make the person who has to take their place feel bad or wrong. I replaced an employee who died before and it seemed no one wanted anything to change, it was me using >>> desk and office, a year later they referred to it as this other persons office still.

I got so feed up one day I asked them what did I have to do, die to get them to call it my office. To say the least that did not go over well.

[LadySam]

Thanks, got some good ideas here maybe an "Ode to T***** Sunday brunch" is in order at one of our houses. Or the Clinic owner would allow us to plant something on the grounds as a remembrance. And I've just learned that our local sports complex offers memorial bricks in their walkway, another option. I know everyone deals with these things differently, I guess what makes this so tough on us is that in fact as you say our family member is never coming "home" that's kind of what your job is, your second home. I just would love it if the grief didn't have a physical effect on me. We did what we could to help her husband with funeral expenses (he is on disability) I am very lucky to work with these people, we squabble occasionally, but when the chips are down we stick together. Although this seemed like the thing to in the short time frame we had, for most of us it has held no healing properties, so maybe one of these other things would help us. Now I must be off to get through day 3. But today will speak to a couple of the others about what they think of trying to find a way that we can deal with this so that we are not so in angst each time we walk through the door. Only now I have great ideas.
Thanks bunches.

[LadySam]

I can only imagine how tough losing both parents in that time frame could be. I'm very lucky to still have mine. Grandparents are tough enough, but losing my parents would send my world into a spin. Came very close to losing my Dad about 4 years ago to cancer. That must have a hard time for you, But like you said, talking about them does keep loved ones alive in our memory.

[LadySam]

I thought a quick update was in order here. First thanks for all the helpful advice. I would have gotten back sooner but my router has been kind of iffy (technoligy, love it) As it stands we have all opened up, talked, laughed and cried. And our practice owner has agreed that we should plant something on the property and dedicate it to our friend. As it is 95 F and more here right now that will be delayed for a short while. But bottom line is we all agreed that it was a great way to honor her. Trust me that is a tree that will get lots of TLC. I think we are much better off for just having opened up to each other about how we all felt. It is still difficult but we are dealing with it much better now.
Thanks again

[Wondergirl]

And our practice owner has agreed that we should plant something on the property and dedicate it to our friend.

At the library I'm retired from, there's a memory garden in which bushes and trees and perennials are planted for any staff member who died while employed there or who has retired after x number of years or more.

When my dad died in 1994, we planted a tree on the grounds of a full-care live-in facility for the disabled, a facility that is within walking distance of my parents' house and where my dad often visited the residents.

[cdad]

I thought a quick update was in order here. First thanks for all the helpful advice. I would have gotten back sooner but my router has been kinda iffy (technoligy, love it) As it stands we have all opened up, talked, laughed and cried. And our practice owner has agreed that we should plant something on the property and dedicate it to our friend. As it is 95 F and more here right now that will be delayed for a short while. But bottom line is we all agreed that it was a great way to honor her. Trust me that is a tree that will get lots of TLC. I think we are much better off for just having opened up to each other about how we all felt. It is still difficult but we are dealing with it much better now.
Thanks again

Thank you for the update. Im glad you and your friends are starting the healing process and I wish you great success with the tree. Update us as often as you like and if you have other questions (like your router) we have other sections here waiting and ready to help anytime :)