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kashh · Jun 26, 2011, 01:00 PM

I am 4 months pregnant but I still have not come to be happy about it. Is it bad of me?

I got pregnant 2 weeks after my wedding despite of using protection. It was totally unplanned because we wanted it at least after 2 years. My mother suffers with Hep C and needs me from time to time. But since I am pregnant and do not feel very active or well myself, I can't be there for her and it kills me. Before I got pregnant, I had a good job but I had to leave because of 1st trimester sickness and weakness and I had already run out of my annual. Now I just stay at home doing house chores and I hate it every passing day. All of these reasons makes me go mad about my pregnancy and despite being half way through, I am not happy with it. Does that make me a bad person? For not having feelings for my own child. I can not talk about this with my husband because he is very excited with my pregnancy. Neither can I talk to my mom because she is already in love with the baby and she wouldn't hear a word of it. I do not know what to do. I am not happy. Is there any way I can come out of it? I know no one would have the answer probably but may be I just wanted to vent.

JudyKayTee · Jun 26, 2011, 01:15 PM

I don't think mixed emotions about pregnancy are uncommon. If you want family support you have to discuss your concerns with your husband (presumably you are able to talk about other issues in your marriage) and/or your mother.

I don't think you're a bad person. Your life has turned upside down. Mixed emotions are to be expected.

I do think you need to speak to someone about your feelings.

When you say you hate "it" every day do you mean you hate the life you are forced to have OR you hate the baby?

Alty · Jun 26, 2011, 01:37 PM

What you're feeling is not at all uncommon. This pregnancy is unexpected, unplanned, and you've had to make a lot of changes in your life because of it.

You do need to get help for this. Talk to your doctor, have him/her recommend a therapist. If you don't get these feelings under control, learn to accept that you're going to have a baby in around 5 months, then the birth, and raising a newborn, is going to make matters worse. You really do need to get help.

adviceishere · Jun 26, 2011, 03:17 PM

Hi kashh I am currently 6 months pregnant and I still get days where I don't want to have a baby. I don't think anyone is ever ready for such a big change. I agree with the other guys that you should seek help and someone to talk to, it might also help to start buying a few bits here and there for the baby and also thinking about decorating a nice room for him/her, it will keep you busy.

joypulv · Jun 27, 2011, 02:36 AM

Look in the paper for support groups. Even small towns often have them for just about anything, and pregnant women might be one. Having friends is one of the best ways to get through this.

Each woman has different chemistry, and some feel awful all the time. You could do some internet searching on dietary changes or herbs for pregnancy. Try to get out for a walk each day too.

Find an interest if you can that replaces your job. How to identify flowers and trees, or how to make soap, or what the latest astronomy discoveries are. Maybe there's some work you could do at home for your old employer? A school nearby where you can take one course?

It's well known that women can feel as you do and even worse, literally wanting to rip this foreign object out of their bodies. Some of that is chemical/hormonal, some is just because it really is a foreign object inside you! Say it, admit it, vent, tell people how you feel. There's a TV show about a hospital delivery room, and some women are screaming 'I don't want it, get it out.' The nurses just wait patiently until it's over.

Your mother understands and isn't demanding your attention, so allow that good fortune, and let others take care of her for a while.

kashh · Jun 28, 2011, 09:03 AM

Thanks all.

I used to speak about this with my husband but now when I try to speak to him about this, he literally gets offended! I have good friends but now even they think I am being unreasonable because it has been 4 months now. But thanks all for understanding and not judging me like other people do. I have joined as assistant faculty member in a university where I am going to take one course. It gives me something to do and not feel so miserable all the time. I am going to work on it and hope that the feeling will pass once I have delivered the baby. I also plan to talk to my doctor on my next visit about it. At least I have passed those days when it seemed the end of world!

adviceishere · Jun 28, 2011, 09:31 AM

Good for you! And of course no body can really understand what your going through unless they've been there. I have a sneaky feeling every shred of anxiety will disappear once you see your baby! Stick around on the site, we're here anytime ;)

JudyKayTee · Jun 28, 2011, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by kashh

Thanx all.

I used to speak about this with my husband but now when i try to speak to him about this, he literally gets offended! I have good friends but now even they think I am being unreasonable because it has been 4 mos now. But thanks all for understanding and not judging me like other people do. I have joined as assistant faculty member in a university where I am going to take one course. It gives me something to do and not feel so miserable all the time. I am going to work on it and hope that the feeling will pass once I have delivered the baby. I also plan to talk to my doctor on my next visit about it. At least I have passed those days when it seemed the end of world!!

Good for you! It's one thing to have a problem or concern. It's an entirely different thing to do something about it - you must be a very strong woman.

I'm sure your husband is excited and knows life will change and is worried.

No one here will judge you. I think every woman who has ever been pregnant has those "What the heck was I thinking?" days.

And congratulations on the baby!

Jake2008 · Jun 29, 2011, 07:51 AM

You have had a lot of unplanned changes to cope with. As you said, a baby wasn't planned until you had been married a few years. But you find yourself pregnant, then physically ill with the pregnancy, then having to leave your job.

And when you leave your job, you leave your friends, your routine, your independence. That is a lot of change in a very short period. Any one of which would have you feeling down.

My point is that while the 'cause' may have all started with the pregnancy, that alone would have been enough to cope with, but the aftermath of what happened after you became pregnant may be what is contributing to how you are feeling now.

You are in the position now that your whole life has changed, it was unplanned, and you are adapting to many new changes in your life- in addition to being pregnant.

Everybody is happy about the baby- except you. Yet it is your life that is drastically changed- not theirs.

My advice to you is to think of how to regain some of what you lost. The course is a great idea, as the other suggestions here. Get out of the house as much as you can and away from the thankless job of cleaning and cooking. (you'll be doing more than enough of that when the baby gets here). Plan things out on a calendar so you have some control over your time, and something to do to feel some satisfaction of personal achievement, while you go through the pregnancy.

You are not a bad person! You are honestly expressing feelings that are totally understandable, and for many of us, bring back memories of being in exactly the same place.

kashh · Jun 30, 2011, 03:08 AM

HI all.

Knowing that I am not the only one who is feeling this way and there are other who felt the same way gives me some assurance that I am not out of this world :) I plan to increase the number of course to two courses after the baby is born since it is just 3 credit hours in a week for one course. I think it'l be manageable and besides it's a good option with good money. I still get sad whenever I think of all those things I could have done without the baby but the feeling is getting less stronger with the passage of time. I think I'l be fine.

But seriously. Thanks everyone for giving me such reassuring words. It really helped a lot.

Jake2008 · Jun 30, 2011, 07:42 AM

You'll be fine Kashh; nothing you have said is unfamiliar territory for many women.

And even had you waited, and planned the pregnancy, much of what you are feeling now you'd still be going through. For example, had you worked close to the end of the pregnancy, there is still an adjustment to make quitting work; and it will be a whole new world now that you and your husband will be parents.

All the best to you Kashh!