[Am1981]

Hello everyone!

I have been dating my girlfriend for over 5 years now. About 2.5 years into the relationship, I started a 2 year education, meaning I could only pay for my expensive (and a bit of household foodstuffs every now and then) whilst she took care of the rent and other bills. I was heavily depending on her. After my 2 years college ended, I got a 6 month apprenticeship earning very little money. So here we were again me at 29 and she at 30, with me having to rely on her. I never really asked for spending money or anything like that, but as you can imagine I couldn't contribute as much as I would have loved to do so!

Basically I was also feeling tired of the relationship, from my part I couldn't bear having to rely on such an amazingly kind hearted person ( I must say, I never abused her financial support, even declined doing some things together because I knew she would be paying for it), and obviously her tired of carrying the load.

We decided in late February of this year that I would move out, and at the time I honestly wanted to move out too, and actively looked for and found an apartment. We said this could be the break our relationship needed in order for us to have space and as we said, maybe get back together. In the meantime, I found work, I'm doing OK financially (much much better than the education and apprenticeship periods).

After a few months of living apart, I have come to realise that I want this woman to be my life partner, to have children and raise a family together. She on the other hand, seems to be enjoying her "freedom" (we did agree not to see other people), she's just happy having this time for herself she tells me. She tells me she still loves me a lot but she's not feeling the passion she once felt. A few weeks ago I started to feel the pressure and I must admit I started acting jealous, asking her repeatedly if she's seen anybody else. She told me last week that my behavior is chocking her as she repeatedly assured me that there is no one in her life, and frankly I believe her, because I know how she is as a person. (never during the 5 years did I have, or did she give me any reason to believe she would see anyone else)

Here's the thing, last Saturday (4 days ago), she asked me to come with her and her friends to a bar, and that her sister and sister's husband would also be there (basically she let me see someone in her family for the first time in months), we had a good time and we even slept together that night. You people might be thinking what am I so worried about. Well, it's just her behavior has kind of changed, no big smile when we meet, no big hugs, a bit of a colder mood towards me. It's hard to explain, just when you know a person in a way and then you feel that person's being "different". She tells me she still loves me, and she "hopes" her passion towards me comes back. I can feel that she wants me to give her space, as we were supposed to meet today and then she called saying "it's her only night this week where she can relax" as she's got work and engagements later in the week.
It makes me sad that she needs to be alone to relax, as this means being with me is "work".
We are actually going to an open air for 1 night on Friday too.

For all you women out there, or men who have gone through something like this. Is this the beginning of the end? When the person who used to call you the love of her life starts finding your presence as work? Ladies please tell me in plain English, would you still agree to seeing someone (as she sees me about 2 times a week) if you have made up your mind? Should I just really back off, give her space... does my case have hope? Another point is I live in her country, away from my family, could she be afraid of breaking up thinking it would hurt me? Do women think this rationally when making these decisions? Do I have hope??

I have made it very clear to her how much I love her, and how my mind is set on her being the one! I have since not called (she has called me).

I am so terribly afraid of this ending, as I love her with all that I have. Yet I know if she says she loves me but the passion is not present at the moment then it could not be enough...

Hopefully I've made some sense with all this, and any input and thoughts will be very much appreciated. I basically need to share my feelings as I'm not in a position to tell people who are around me. (don't want to talk to my parents or sister in order not to have them worried, I will however tell them if the outcome turns out negative)...

Thanks everyone ;)

[Ecoearth]

Am1981,

You are a lucky man. You've had the support and love of a woman when you needed it most even though she had no legal ties to you, i.e. marriage. Sometimes people need space to reflect, especially if the situation has been one-sided financially for a while. Don't completely ignore her, but do give her the space she is asking for.

Jealousy is the worst thing you can show right now. You want to give her your very best. What were some things that made her heart jump when the relationship was new?

Perhaps leaving her a lovely flowered potted plant on her doorstep with a short note may be a sweet gesture. Every time she waters it, she will think of you. You know her well, if flowers aren't her thing, you can gently woo her in other ways-- don't over do it though!

If it is meant to be, she will be in your life again. Be positive and have patience.

Sending my best wishes your way. Good luck!

[Am1981]

People like you remind me that there are good people in the society we live in ;)
I will take your advice and make a small and simple gesture, will not overdo it.
I'm trying to be positive, but afraid of false hope.
Love to everyone!
Thank you Ecoearth...

[talaniman]

Harshness warning.

Your girl is a saint for putting up with your crap, and you could show some appreciation as she is still in your corner supporting you.

This after carrying your heavy a$$ through difficult times, at her time and expense, and still give you time, attention and love. What does she get? A whiny self centered individual who wants even more and is worried when he can't get it. You are a good taker, and LOUSY giver, and should appreciate the great gal you have, and let gratitude be your attitude, and motivation to do better than you are doing for you both.

Act like you care, not with intentions and words, but with actions. Quit whining! I don't think you are a bad guy, but a needy one.

[Am1981]

Thanks for the honest input. The whole point of my story is having realized all what you have just pointed out...
However I do like to point out that I didn't only take, 5 and a half years is a long time...
All the best.

[zero326252]

I don't know why people like you have put good guys like him down when he bears his heart and soul trying to answers so he can have the one person in his life that makes him the happiest back. I don't know if you ever experienced true love but sometimes you have to take, you don't like it and you feel bad but you have no choice.am1981 I feel for you I'm experiencing a very similar situation and I know what its like to have to rely on someone you love finacially. I also know what its like to support the same person when there down on luck. Don't let this jerk get you down I guesse we both have to wait and hope that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Good luck and take care of yourself no matter what.

[talaniman]

Quote by Zero,
I don't know why people like you have put good guys like him down when he bears his heart and soul trying to answers so he can have the one person in his life that makes him the happiest back. I don't know if you ever experienced true love but sometimes you have to take, you don't like it and you feel bad but you have no choice.am1981 I feel for you I'm experiencing a very similar situation and I know what its like to have to rely on someone you love finacially. I also know what its like to support the same person when there down on luck. Don't let this jerk get you down I guesse we both have to wait and hope that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Good luck and take care of yourself no matter what.

To you both, Zero, and AM1981, I don't think being a good guy is a great thing if you can't be good to yourself, after you get dumped especially, for whatever reason.

Its never about what you are going thru, but how you handle it. So still putting a partner that dumped you before yourself, is crazy. That's being stuck on someone that's no longer stuck on you, and requires one helluva adjustment to make. Take some responsibility for your own happiness, and stop depending on others to make you happy.

Sorry you think its harsh, Zero, but you need to stand on your own, to get some dignity, and self respect, to have the confidence to move forward, and not back. I know its hard, been there done that many times, and can tell you that how you handle yourself now, through adversity, will set the tone for how you handle whatever life throws at you, in the future.

Now you can get off your pity pot now, and get busy with building a life that you enjoy with out the ex in your life, or keep crying for yesterday to come back. Its your choice, so make a good one.

good luck and take care of yourself no matter what

That was good advice, especially the "no matter what.".

[Am1981]

Hey Zero. Thanks for your nice answer, no need to worry about what the others say, they have their own perspectives and I think that they all are good ones!
It's hard to see the one who is your soul mate, a person you did sooooooo much with in 5.5 years! I don't care what others have done and in how long a time, this is my story.

We drifted apart because we both got very involved in our personal goals, me school and work, she her own life works!
She is 31 and I am almost 30, so we have both had past relationships, we are both at an age where family starts to tinkle your idea sensories! Other than that, we enjoy doing the same activities, we've done so much together... on and on, we just fit, we can be ourselves.

I feel like I will be losing a part of me. I know she feels the same, she's told me. I just want us to connect again. Hoping a proper break and distance will help. Never did we have a mountain we didn't climb, I'm finding it hard to accepting and giving up!


Thing is that as I have advanced in my life work and financially. We don't live together since feb. of this year, so there has not been any sort of financial dependency for a good 5 months now..

I feel that I became "ready" a bit too late...

[talaniman]

I can understand the down feeling, we all can, especially after so long with the same person. Giving someone space and time works for you too. You have an opportunity to deal with yourself, and your life in some very positive ways, and see that you can be happy without her. Even you admit to not being happy and wanting out. There are some good reason for that and, you need to know what it is because, all break ups suck, even those that aren't so well defined, and I think she understood your need to be on your own as well.

Hard to be happy with someone when you aren't happy with yourself. That's where my harshness comes in, as self pity will not remove the gloom, getting busy in your own behalf building a life that you enjoy with friends and activities that make you happy will.

Her passion is gone, but seems yours went first. Get your passion back for your own life, and someone will surely want to share it with you. You don't have to take my word for it, just find out for yourself.