[pedrosimao]

Hello,

I know that answers may be really difficult here, but even thought I think you can help me out here. Any words can make me feel happier now. I have being suffering like crazy during the last 2 months, and don't know what to do anymore. I am only 6 months in a relationship, and I don't know if I should continue or not. It seems so early to break, and I felt so deep in love and like she was my dream come true, I am so attracted to her physically and emotionally, but so many bad things happened. Its ultra disturbing to me.

I have been together with my girlfriend for 6 months. In the beginning it was like a dream come true to me. I am 26 years, and all the relationships I had before didn't became serious. I have tried sometimes and I have being dumped, and I also have dumped 2 girls. So even if this relationship is going really bad now, I kind of always want to try more an more.

So at the time I met her, I kissed her in a party, but I had sex with a girl that said that loved me just some days after, but I was not so sexually attracted to this girl. My girlfriend is extremely beautiful, she was always ultra sympathetic, and she has the most sweet and charismatic smile I have seen. Because of this qualities and her good energy, and her appreciation to me I decided to try to get serious with her, I called the other girl and made everything clear, without hurting nor lying. After we decided to be serious she presented me to all her friends and family in Denmark. We had met in France in a student residence. After we started, she almost abandoned her room, and she started to sleep in my room since then. We were living like a married life, we were making breakfast, dinning, and making love every single day. She always had orgasms. She loves sex so much. And her beauty attract me so much, she assumed me as the perfect boyfriend, and used to tell me she feels so lucky to find me. She used to say, she feel like I was much more than she has ever expected from a boyfriend.

I felt extremely confident about myself, after failing in many relationships. So I went deep in the relationship, with no fear at all. I gave her flowers, champagnes, gifts, trips together, everything, dedication of my time, correcting her works, I even stop some activities of mine that would make her jealous or needy, as she was the most important thing in my life. The only problem she had in the first months was that's she was kind of jealous. She used to ask me if I have kissed every girl that talked about. I thought it was normal, cause when people start relationship we kind of want to know about my past life, etc. This is very normal. We talked about our relationships in the past, openly, it was nice. But one thing about her ex-boyfriend story is that I am 98% sure that she cheated him before breaking up, I asked her in a nice way, but she refused in a defensive way. I felt like, OK, she can't admit, I can understand her situation, but I though she would eventually open up more when we get more serious.

Finally one big red flag came. Once she got jealous when I said to her that mother is very intelligent and beautiful, when I first met her mom in her country. She asked me if I was in love with her mom, in a kind of aggressive way. It was kind of weird that she said that, it is so extreme, so absurd, it felt so strange, and it felt like her jealousy was an issue, and not only insecurity of begging of a relationship. But I thought we could over come it.


Then she had to come back to her country, Denmark, to finish her studies, and I kept in France. I did everything to make sure we would see each other at least twice a month, cause after 4 months she would be able to come back to my place. We have even planned to have an apartment together when she was back. She used to say she wanted to marry with my, already, she said she would dream of having a baby with me... She knows I plan kids only for ten years, but she always says it, as I am her perfect guy. And after she dumped a 3 year boyfriend who seemed not so bad, just didn't gave her so much attention, I felt she could even compare me to him, and think I am nicer.

Our real problems started after she left to her country.

We had some fights in one trip we did to Portugal, after 3 months togheter. Like little fights related to stress, I was a bit aggressive to her once, and I said her to shut up as she was getting hysterical about little things, yes I mistook, but she slapped in my face, and then we made love. We laughed and everything was back to normal. We had some other stresses, and one kind of big stress when saying good bye... It was a discussion about money, so ridiculous, about who should pay 40 euros of the hostel... And she cryed so much... she was really angry with me. But I sent her some messages, we talked on skype, and it seems everything was OK.

Then she was unfaithfull to me sometimes. She went to take a walk with her ex, just one week after our trip, and didn't tell me. She admitted 2 weeks later after pressure. This made me a little bit jealous and more controller. I was never before, but after this I felt like I needed to be sure, of what was going on in her head. Then she started to get very angry with me if I only get jealous about any guy. Once we had a fight because I got jealous of a guy she was working with, I just asked if he was giving her too much attention, and what was his name, she said she didn't know his name (that was a lie) and she was really angryu, she said she would move back to me if I wwere like that, It hurted me bad. At night we fighted more she yelled so high, it seemed like an horror movie, she said she wanted to kill me and cut my head. She passed the entire night on Skype blaming me for litle things, it hurted bad, I cryed.. It was really terirble, she seemed so furious, so foccused on destroying me I had to tell her I couldn't gon on like this. In the morning, after not sleeping I asked for a break. Then she wrote me the most beautifull email I have received in my life, and I felt like we could do it. I went back, no probs.I thought it was good to get more mature.

But we had many downs from there on, we almost only fighted, actually... During this time she committed other mistakes, once she said she was going to a picnic, when she was actually going to a rave party. She didn't like so much this kind of party, but her old friends called her, she wanted very much to see them, and I even could understand the fact that she lied, cause we have had a huge fight one day before. So she was kind of insecure. Anyway, she lied. Another time she was so violent with me, I said I saw a dating website application in her Facebook, just after we had a fight.I know she didn't used the stuff, but she clicked in a announce saying, meet beautiful guys. And I told her that, she didn't admitted and beated me so strong, she even hurted me phisically. She made her mom, her sister, her dad, and everybody around her believe I am a freak jealous boyfriend. Her mom completely disaproove me now. She cries so much when we fight, that it seems I am so bad to her, and so controller, her mom thinks I am torturing her, as I am actually bagging her to tell me the truth about stuff.

And finnaly I ended up discovering last week, that she has kissed a guy, when we were together in our first month. I have asked her about this guy several times. Cause I have seen a mail from her to him, one week before we started, saying she wanted to see him. So I asked her if they had sex, she always denied. No problem if they had, cause I myself have had sex with one girl one day after kissing her the first time. But she never admitted and I felt like it was a lie. I had a strong intuition about this guy, she even asked me to sing a song he used to sing to her, once. It felt weird, but I thought maybe it was really funny the music. So, after denying for 3 months, she finally admitted. She almost forced me to say I believe that she only had kissed this guy before meeting me. I almost said I believe to make her peaceful, but I couldn't. So, when she admitted after I got really angry (it was my birthday) she says he kind of forced to kiss him, and she stopped him when he started touching her breast. But she said she recognized it was a mistake, and that it was horrible. She said she would felt so sorry, and she wanted this never to happen. But I still had a doubt in my mind, cause after this event when the guys kissed her, even if the guy was so aggressive, she went to a good bye party of him in her student residence. At the time I ask her to go with her, but she said it wouldn't be nice to me and bla bla bla. She came earlier from this party, she said she end up not going to the party, really, and was only talking to a friend that lived in the same student residence, because it would start to late, but she had kind of a lost expression during some seconds when she told me the story. It felt like it was a lie, she kind of change versions of what happened this day. But she said she didn't saw the guy, but I am actually very afraid that she had sex with him this day. But she never confessed. To make she says she kissed him , it took me 3 month, and so much fights. I think she will never admit she had sex.

So I said I was really disappointed, but I wanted to be with her, and forgive her for everything, but I asked her to tell me everything she did wrong after we begun, and I would forgive her. And we would never fight again. I felt like if she was able to clean herself, I would forgive her, and I would be happy. It was just the beginning of our relationship I want very much to trust her once again. So she said she haven't done anything else. She even tried to say the kiss of the guy was only in the face, which made me really peiced off. She says if I stilll think something more happened we have to break. I felt like she had more things to admit, and I told her that I was not her guy anymore, because I want to be 100% her guy, and she didn't acted like so. It was kind of a break. But she said she wanted to keep a daily basis contact. For the first time I felt a little bit like getting other girls, but I was hurt inside, and didn't have enough energy to do so. I didn't wanted nobody else. It would only feel like I wanted to forget her, and I wouldn't. So she went out to a big night club with her girl friends the same night, I got really tense, I started to imagine her having sex with other guys. The next day her telephone was turned of, and she didn't replied my messages until 18h, I was so tense, because she was the one wanting to keep contact, and then she sudenly avoids it. Talkig to her, two days later, she said she need to concentrate to study, and she decided to turn of her telephone. She said she stayed until very late in the party, without planning, and there were some guys hitting on her. She told me her friend found two french guys in the middle of the party, and as she speaks french, she started to talk to them. She told me the guys were annoying, hitting too much on her, but she also said they paid some drinks, and that she danced with them (it felt like she was sexy dancing). I would be disappointed if she said she kissed one of the guys (in the same day I tell her I don't feel like I am her guy, cause of her mistake, but she was saying she felt like I were 100% her guy). So I asked her if she kissed this guy in the party. She said that no, she even got pieced of, but she told me she and her friends dismissed the guys when they went to the toilette, so they leaved the party while they were not there. But it feels to me like another lie. Stop to think... When two guys r going to a toilette together? Specially if they want to keep the girls they were hitting on during two hours, or more. Also her friend is single and was intrested in one of the guys. So it would be really unpolite just to leave the guys like that. And I feel like she is lying once again. I am complete freaked out. I kind of hate her, for her lies now. But at the same time, she says she wants to be with me still, she says she love me, she shows no intention of dumping me. She can be so sweet and perfect when she wants. But her attitudes are making me go away. So, I need to know two answers. She must be lying once again about these guys? Probably she kissed the guy... right ? I would forget about the subject, but the story don't convience me. I see her face on Skype, and her smile is so big, she can be so sweet, that makes me in love with her once again. But on the other sider I am freaking out of fear of her dishonesty. I feel like I wouldn't mind if she tell me she was not prepared for a serious relationship. I could have an open relationship with her. But she says she wants me as the father of her kids, but she does this kind of lies to me. What should I do ? Is she a total freak that can manipulates me ? Or just a girl who lies a little bit too much ? Is it possible to change her ? Or the only way is forgetting of how wonderful she can be, and try to move on?

[jessi72]

Sounds to me this is exactly the kind of long distance nuisance I have heard of before. These relationships have lots of gaps that need to be filled. One partner tells about his/her whereabouts and the other misinterprets, adds unwanted intel and the fiction constructs thereon:) I think you should never try to change her, if you love her like you say you do.

[ironhide262]

After all the lies, violence, arguing, cheating,etc. why are you hanging on to her?

Man up and dump her already! Do you know why she is treating you this way? Because YOU allow it!
You're spending way too much time trying to make this work. Once the trust is gone in a relationship it is very hard to get it back without the 2 of you actively working on it. You seem to have tried a few things but, it would seem her head is not it in it.

You can analyze her actions all you want... it does not good because the outcome is the same... she is who she is!

[talaniman]

No matter what she says you will never believe it. You are stuck in your own thinking, and way to deep into this stranger. It may be red flags, but as I said she is a stranger, and you are carried away by intense feelings and have made this whole situation to unhealthy to continue.

Odd for one of your experience, but obvious it ain't working for you. Get out back up, and get your head on straight without her. You sound out of control, and helpless.