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rebeccahstrean · Jun 15, 2011, 09:57 AM

So I always told my boyfriend not to look at girls on youtube.com cause they are shaking their booty and they are pretty and I don't like it. Its like looking at porn. I told him I didn't want him to do it either. So he hid it from me for almost a year. So then last week he asked me to watch an adult video with him... I didn't know what to do so the next day I asked my dad what I should do and he told me to just try it once or twice and see how I feel or if I like it. So I did! I though the first time was interesting but then I realized that I wasn't getting him off it was what was on the TV that did it. And the second time also I felt the same. Now when we have sex I think he's thinking of other girls. This is brining myself esteem down. Why does he do this? Is he not attractive to me? Or do I need plastic surgery for him to not do this?
My dad said him and my mom did the same she really didn't care for it but my dad said that he loved it. He's cheated on my mom though and I don't want my boyfriend to cheat on me. Does this mean he's going to cheat on me? Or I'm not pretty? Should I get plastic surgery for him to be more attractive to me? And I have a cyst on my brain that causing me to have seizures and I don't need this stress from him on top of my seizures.

JudyKayTee · Jun 15, 2011, 03:28 PM

Before I answer this, is this the issue that had you on a "real life" TV show, seeking advice?

rebeccahstrean · Jun 15, 2011, 04:30 PM

It's a rel life issue but not on a TV show lol. I just need advice

Alty · Jun 15, 2011, 04:43 PM

So I always told my boyfriend not to look at girls on youtube.com cause they are shaking their booty and they are pretty and I don't like it. Its like looking at porn. I told him I didn't want him to do it either.

So you set down the law "Do as I say!" That never bodes well.

So he hid it from me for almost a year.

He hid it because you demanded that he stop, but he doesn't want to.

So then last week he asked me to watch an adult video with him... I didn't know what to do so the next day I asked my dad what I should do and he told me to just try it once or twice and see how I feel or if I like it. So I did! I though the first time was interesting but then I realized that I wasn't getting him off it was what was on the TV that did it. And the second time also I felt the same. Now when we have sex I think he's thinking of other girls. This is brining myself esteem down. Why does he do this? Is he not attractive to me? Or do I need plastic surgery for him to not do this?

You asked your dad? Why aren't you talking to your lover? Why does he do this? He's a man. Men are visual. It has nothing to do with you. He's not hoping that you're the girls he watches. He just likes watching. No, you don't need any surgery. He's with you because he loves you. He watches these programs because he's a man.

My dad said him and my mom did the same she really didn't care for it but my dad said that he loved it.

Many women don't like porn. We're emotional, men aren't. I'm still shocked that you're discussing this with your dad instead of the man you're having sex with.

He's cheated on my mom though and I don't want my boyfriend to cheat on me. Does this mean he's going to cheat on me? Or I'm not pretty? Should I get plastic surgery for him to be more attractive to me? And I have a cyst on my brain that causing me to have seizures and I don't need this stress from him on top of my seizures.

Your dad cheated, it has nothing to do with porn, it has to do with morals.

If your boyfriend didn't find you attractive, he'd find someone else. Watching porn has nothing to do with you.

As for the cyst and stress. If you can't be mature enough to accept that this has nothing to do with you, and that it's all about visual stimulation, then leave so you can save yourself the stress.

Don't expect him to stop. He's doing nothing wrong. He shouldn't have to hide it from you, and he shouldn't need your permission. This has nothing to do with you, so stop stressing about it.

rebeccahstrean · Jun 15, 2011, 06:43 PM

Maybe I'm a mognonigmistic person. I don't believe that's part of a healthy relationship. Ok so men are visual. Why can't he look at me instead of them?? I don't get it. When you Love someone your suppose to be there for that person and only that person. Not looking at other people. Are you in a relationship? Do you let your boyfriend do that? Don't you think that he shouldn't be doing it?

Yes I talked to my dad about it. I tell him everything now that my moms dead.

Wondergirl · Jun 15, 2011, 06:44 PM

Originally Posted by rebeccahstrean

Maybe I'm a mognonigmistic person.

What is that?

Alty · Jun 15, 2011, 06:52 PM

Originally Posted by rebeccahstrean

Maybe I'm a mognonigmistic person. I don't believe that's part of a healthy relationship. Ok so men are visual. Why can't he look at me instead of them?? I don't get it. When you Love someone your suppose to be there for that person and only that person. Not looking at other people. Are you in a relationship? Do you let your boyfriend do that? Don't you think that he shouldn't be doing it?

I've been married for 16 years, with my husband for 21 years, and yes, he watches porn. It has nothing to do with his attraction to me. It's part of him being a man, and I understand that.

We have a great relationship, and no, I don't think he shouldn't be doing that. It's part of being male, and I'm secure enough in my relationship to know it doesn't reflect on how he feels about me. I know he loves me, and only me. I also know he'd never cheat on me. He never has, and he never will. Porn has nothing to do with that.

Originally Posted by rebeccahstrean
Yes I talked to my dad about it. I tell him everything now that my moms dead.

When my parents were alive I never would have discussed my sex life with them, but to each their own.

Fact is, you dad cheated, not because of porn, but because of his lack of morals. That has nothing to do with your boyfriend. He's a different person.

Another fact, the majority of men look at porn, and it has nothing to do with the people their with. This isn't about you, not at all. You're making it about you, he isn't. He's just watching porn, because he's a guy, and guys are visual. It doesn't mean he's turned on by the porn, or that he wants you to be like the girls in the shows he watches. He's just a guy.

You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 15, 2011, 07:08 PM

So it is not watching porn that bothers you, it is even watching dressed girls dancing or shaking their stuff?

And your boyfriend will cheat, if he is the type of person that cheats, you are judging your boyfriend by actions your dad did.

And right or wrong from a religious view point, the majority of all men watch at least dressed women, they turn their head when a half dressed women in walmart walks by, They check out women in Yoga pant web site and more.

Then a lot, ( will not say most) watch porn, too many hide it, because their partner can not understand it, and will not be open to allowing their partner to watch it. And esp not include it in their own foreplay.

It is not that you are to be like them, PORN is not real people or real life, it is a fantasy , and yes sex needs some fantasy, how often do you all role play, do dress up ( where is that batman costume) When do you do something fun with it, ( lock the McDonalds bathroom door to fool around) Go out and let him pretend not to know you and "pick you up" And I could go on and on.
They make games, where you spin to pick a position to start with.

So you are not to compare your looks to that made up, he is not comparing his size to the size of men in those movies ( few men can) You are way over thinking porn, it is make believe and is often used to give ideas.

If watching it bothers you, try reading it to each other,

JudyKayTee · Jun 16, 2011, 05:15 AM

Originally Posted by rebeccahstrean

its a rel life issue but not on a tv show lol. I just need advice

Your other thread refers to YOU being on a reality (Jerry Springer type) show and you recommend it as an answer to problems. That's why I asked the question.

I agree - you are either looking for a problem or making mountains out of molehills.

I have no problem with pornography. I also have no problem with plastic surgery.

If you feel insecure I think you will feel that way no matter WHAT your boyfriend says or does. You need to feel better about yourself.

I've read your other threads. You need to speak to a therapist - or another therapist.

rebeccahstrean · Jun 16, 2011, 09:07 AM

Monogamist (mɒˈnɒɡəmɪst)

— n
A person who advocates or practises monogamy
Meaning I don't think its right. I think its like committing adultry. Its fornication. And in the bible that's wrong. I don't look at other guys like that but maybe its cause I caterize them. But if your in a relationship I think its wriong to have friends of the opposite sex, it gets things messed up. Your thoughts control your feelings and your actions then the next thing you know your heart broken cause you've been cheated on. My ex did the same to me and he cheated. So how am I suppose to think that he's not going to do the same to me?

Wondergirl · Jun 16, 2011, 09:34 AM

So how am I suppose to think that he's not going to do the same to me??

Guys looking at porn has NOTHING to do with cheating.

Someone said this recently:

Porn is the the vehicle that gets a guy where he's trying to go. For a guy, doing it with just your imagination is like going from Detroit to Chicago on horseback. With porn, it's like having your own private jet. It's faster, it's easier, and it's just so much less of a hassle.

I agree with Judy --

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You are either looking for a problem or making mountains out of molehills.

If you feel insecure I think you will feel that way no matter WHAT your boyfriend says or does. You need to feel better about yourself.

You need to speak to a therapist.

JudyKayTee · Jun 16, 2011, 09:55 AM

I don't see that he's NOT monogamous.

I think you are either misunderstanding "your" Bible or have some problem with personal relationships. You think it's wrong for a person in a relationship to have friends who are the opposite sex? Short of putting your boyfriend on a leash (which definitely will drive him away) your thinking is impractical.

I work in a male dominated profession. I'm married. So what?

Wondergirl · Jun 16, 2011, 10:07 AM

I don't look at other guys like that but maybe its cause I caterize them.

Here's another sentence I don't understand. "Cauterize" means to burn part of a body to remove or close off a some of it, like "The doctor cauterized the raw stump of the amputated leg."

rebeccahstrean · Jun 16, 2011, 10:40 AM

OK its porn and bikinis and other things. No we don't dress up or role play. I sometimes get into lingire. But that's it. We don't have sex or fu**. He tries but I won't let him. I want it to be slow all the time and make love. Sex isn't fun and games. Its about intimincy and expressing your feelings in a phyisical way. Besides kissing and hugging. He cheated on his ex wife and got into trouble. He only cheated cause he wanted to hurt her. But now he's still paying for what he did. He went to prison over it. So if he cheated on her to get back at her wouldn't you say that this is cheating but only with eyes. He wants to have sex with me while he's watching this stuff I don't think that's right at all then/ and or after he watched it. Is that OK to? So if he's wanting to do this during foreplay then why can't he just look at ME? I want to do it in a public place but his probation won't allow it cause he has to take pollys.
And I don't get how you said that sex is fantasy. Like I said before its expressing your emotions physically. He's not even a tad bit romantic with me and I know he has been in past relationships but the girls were WAY prettier than me so maybe it is me?
Why would sex have to be a game? Help me to understand this cause I was tought by my mom that you shouldn't have sex with someone without making love to that person. Like for instance... he wants to do doggy style and I wonnt let him cause you can't be slow and hold each other and whisper in eachothers ear how much you love and care for that person. I'm a cancer and I'm emotional like that. So we barely have sex. So this is all me? How do I open up my mind and try to be OK with all this?

JudyKayTee · Jun 16, 2011, 11:02 AM

Yes, it's you. Sex is not just about you and your views, feelings, beliefs. It's give and take. He wants X and you want Y. Either compromise... or break up so you are both happy.

I think it's extremely unfair of you to be in a relationship with this man when YOU get to dictate all of the rules based on some Bible readings, advice from your MOTHER (I made it a rule a long time ago to not discuss MY sex life with my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and so forth) and your thoughts on the subject of sex.

You won't LET him? Sounds like this is YOUR ballgame and sometimes you let him play.

- And, yes, I do think you need to see a mental health professional.

And do I think the chances are good that your boyfriend is going to get tired of living with a dictator and move on? Yes, I do.

It's not about what you want or don't want to do - it's about talking and negotiating and deciding levels of comfort. It appears that EVERYTHING that he "likes" offends you.

I find religion and horoscopes in the same breath to be strange, at best.

rebeccahstrean · Jun 16, 2011, 11:09 AM

Because of all this how do I know if he loves me and its not just lust? Maybe he thinks he loves me but I look like I'm 16 but I'm 21 maybe he's just physically attracted to me. I ask him more than 1,000 times a day if he loves me and is in love with me and he's tired of it and we fight but I want to know. I don't understand if you truly love someone then why would you have to do this? Is this love or lust? Is he lusting after me or Loving me??

Wondergirl · Jun 16, 2011, 11:16 AM

because of all this how do I know if he loves me and its not just lust?

How long have you been together?

I look like I'm 16 but i'm 21

And you're acting like you're 12.

maybe he's just physically attracted to me.

Isn't that part of what you want?

I ask him more than 1,000 times a day if he loves me and is inlove with me and he's tired of it

You are kidding, right? He has every right to be tired of it. Put the shoe on the other foot. What if he did that to you? I'm really surprised he is still around.

rebeccahstrean · Jun 16, 2011, 11:21 AM

I meant to say I catigrize them. Like I look at a guy no matter who and think he's a cheater, woman beater or a rapest. Its just my thing. I've been like that my whole life. I was fine till I recently found out that he's been hiding all this from me and after that one night of doing it with him I don't feel like I'm pretty enough for him. Should I brake up with him?

JudyKayTee · Jun 16, 2011, 11:23 AM

Your insecurities are beginning to turn ME off. I can't IMAGINE what he's thinking. He appears to be good looking. Hopefully he has a personality to match. Why is he sticking around? I don't know.

It's my experience that the more a person hounds me with "Do you love me" the less I love them.

You need a therapist and this thread needs to be closed.

All the advice in the world is not going to change this scenario.

You keep opening new threads on the same relationship. When you are done with this one, you'll move on to the next. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ch-516963.html

I am asking that a moderator combine the threads so I can stop wasting my time.

rebeccahstrean · Jun 16, 2011, 11:27 AM

I want him to tell me ALL the time he loves me and cares about me and is in love with me ALL the TIME!
You people are right I should brake up with him. I love him with all my heart and this is going to ruin his kids life cause they love me. But I can't be with him emotionally or mentally if he's hurting me like this. I was happy but now that I knew he was hiding all this and we did this I'm not so happy. I'm terrible. I will take my dog and say good bye to him. He agrees with me not to have friends of the opposite sex also. Cause he says its trouble to. But I will take your advice and leave. Thanks. Rebecca