[lideva]

I have lived in my cul-de-sac for 21/2 years. I had developed friendships with three sets of neighbors. A year ago they gave me a shower for the birth of my second son. Brought my family meals after the delivery. Our kids play out in the street and we have spend hours outside watching and chatting... when it gets cold we tend to all hibernate... at least I so.

Last summer we had all agreed to have a monthly gathering at one of our homes to get together. We started at my house. It went well. We all brought in food and everyone stayed until 2 am. Our kids play well together.

This was in July... since then whenever I brought up something dates could not be agreed on... then I started noticing them gathering without me and my family. A few of the times I brushed off my bad thoughts and made up excuses, "impromptu gathering and I wasn't outside when things were planned", or "one of the girls could be having a bday party and perhaps they didn't want my boys around". Far fetched, but I was giving them the benefit of the doubt. Outside we would also chat about getting together for a "ladies night". That never happened. Keep in mind I am still watching their kids for Dr appointments and doing other neighborly things.

Last night I was completely hurt. I was outside chit chatting with one of the neighbors. Kids were playing very well together. Suddenly one neighbor came home with her older nice and quickly said hello to me. Then went inside. Another neighbor came home and went strait inside without even a hello. And the neighbor I was talking to suddenly started to bring in toys and rounding up her kids... I got that familiar uncomfortable vibe. An hour later I was standing at the changing table and an entire evening unfolded before my eyes. I saw the oldest daughter run over to one house to babysit, the parents leave and get into the van of the neighbor and the third set of neighbors drop off their son at the house with the older nice and all adult couples drove off together in the van.

I have always been able to make friends, I am very non-confrontational, and diplomatic and I feel I am a good neighbor. (house watching, feeding cats, plants all that stuff)

I want to ask how to deal with this. I could just let it roll off my shoulders (easier said than done) and become a cordial neighbor with a smile and a wave. I could confront the neighbors... something that would be very hard for me to do. Perhaps I am being too sensitive... but please realize this also effects my boys who will be playing in this neighborhood and going to elementary school with these neighbors. I want to be comfortable in my neighborhood, I had such a different picture of what my neighborhood would be like. Sorry this is so long. Would appreciate some objective advice.

I am hurt and am starting to get very mad.

[valinors_sorrow]

Its one of two things, apart from moving. Either let it go and that takes letting it go entirely -- work on your part, for sure. Or select the one neighbor you feel the most of that old connection with and arrange to have a confidential and frank talk, but definitely not a confrontation. You'll have to bear your soul a bit and courageously ask what is it that makes you suddenly so unacceptable. Try to leave as much of the mad out of it too. Be understandably hurt instead. Then be prepared to hear it, if who you selected even has the courage to tell you. And they or they may not. If they looked reluctant to tell me, I would ply them with "how can I clear it up if I don't know what it even is?" or "what if this is all predicated on some big misunderstanding?" or "we all make mistakes, I would just like an opportunity to consider correcting whatever it is".

You have to balance how much you want to fit in against how comfortable you are being you. I would personally be more upset by not knowing but very prepared to hear stuff that I would either not agree with or not be willing to do to fit in. So the outcome would be the same for me-- still not fitting in except I would know why. Knowing is better than not knowing for me but I am comfortable not fitting in sometimes too -- its called principle before personality for me. To a certain degree, those who would treat me badly or unfairly don't qualify as worthy of my friendship but then you should meet one of my neighbors OY! They make yours seem polite, no kidding.

Only you can decide if its worth pursuing to know and therefore have a shot at perhaps changing the way it is. I hope it works out for you all.

[cjcdallas]

I would ask each one separately on the same day if there is an issue. You stated you have boys and you had a party at your house first. Is your husband or kids annoying? I can say for myself when we cut off a relationship it is usually due to someone treating my kids or my wife poorly. Then when we cut it off I do not mind telling them why. I do not do this in a snotty or berating manner and usually I talk to the husband (being a guy). If they value our freindship we work on the issue. If they do not care to work on the issue and want to leave it that way then at least I have made my peace with it and let it go.

[lideva]

After lots of heartfelt conversations with my husband and me dwelling on it over the past week. I am coming to the conclusion that my two children 3 and 9 months are not of the same age as the other neighbors... therefore I am not outside as often and am not able to let my kids roam free like them. Whenever outside I am constantly hovering over my 3-year-old helping with his bike, giving him boo boo kisses etc. I still feel excluding and am not sure how I should handle it. Perhaps it was not intentional at first... and over the past 6 months their friendship grew while I was not able to participate because of the stage in my life. I am sure a few more months, and with spring around the corner I will get a better picture of everything. I appreciate all the advice and am collecting it to hopefully use soon. I look forward to other's opinions.

[ghost56]

I now this seems hard to do, but I would honestly, wait until they were all outside (or as many as possible) I would go out and say, can I have all your attention for a moment. Gather them round and simply say, I would just be grateful if one of you would tell me why you exclude my family from any gatherings you have, if I have done something wrong then oinwould like to try to put it right. Then wait for the blast, it amy be something you don't want to hear, but at least you will know. On the other hand, you just might be able to fix a small misunderstanding, that has spiralled out of hand.

[lacuran8626]

I preffer the suggestion that you take just one of the women aside and ask. But, before you do that, look carefully at yourself and your habits and behavior. Years ago, my sister in law had noticed that I was not very enthusiastic about seeing her- which I tried to not make apparent but which apparently was detectable to her because I was not seeking her out, and she thought I was being rude. In fact, she had several habits that I couldn't stand and I was just trying to keep the peace. She endlessly bragged about her daughters, in negative comparisson to my son; she took notice of things and brought them up regardless of who was around (like the fact I color my hair and wear sculptured instead of natural nails, and that while I was quite thin when I married, I haven't been that thin in years). She also would talk over me, and constantly interupted me - and allowed her children to interrupt me. Because she is very bold, and we were friends for 15 years before I married her brother, and we've always laid everything on the table, I felt comfortable pointing out the things that were more than mere annoyances - the comparisson of her children to mine, and her comments about my physical appearance to others. I think a whole laundry list of complaints would have just hurt her, so I settled for just those issues that really needed to be fixed.

At another time, because I was family, I felt comfortable - instead of confronting my sister in law - telling my neices (with my son present as well) - "why don't you kids finish decorating your Christmas cookies. It's not polite to interupt us so constantly". It went over fine and accomplished that goal.

[Kassie2]

Hi Lideva~
I just came across your post from 2007 as I was looking for advice regarding my own on-going neighborhood situation. I really feel for what you were going through a couple of years ago and wondered how everything turned out. It never ceases to amaze and baffle me how extraordinarily thoughtless people can be, and that's when they are not being deliberately mean or cruel. Women in particular seem to have a real knack for forming clichés and leaving one person out, someone they can talk about. Does this type of woman ever grow up from high school mode? Hopefully, if these ladies are in any way your friends, they cared about your feelings when you expressed yourself and started making an effort to include you at least in some of the outings. You sound like a really sweet and helpful person and good mom who would be a valued friend to anyone lucky enough to know you. I know some ladies who joined Mommy and Me type classes when their kids were babies and toddlers, who have become lifelong friends. I wish I had done it. I think it would have done wonders for me in creating friendships with other women with children the same ages as mine and would have helped end the loneliness I felt during those years. I think you should give it a try if at all possible and get yourself out of that neighborhood circle. Hope all is well.

[Catsmine]

Hi Lideva~
I just came across your post from 2007 as I was looking for advice regarding my own on-going neighborhood situation.

It's doubtful Lideva will see your thank you. She hasn't become a regular contributor here. If you ask a new question you can get fresh answers without resurrecting an archived thread.