[geminii]

There are so many things that are going on in my head right now I don't know where to begin.

1) I believe I have abandonment issues. I have never seen my mother, I can't recall what she looks like. She left me to my fathers family when I was a couple months old because her relationship with my father didn't work. I haven't seen her since and I don't care. I've heard she's doing well and that make me happy but that is all I want to know about her. I am not ready right now to see her again and build another relationship, I honestly don't think about her ever. As for my father I feel that all my abandoment issues arise from his actions.

2) He is the type of father that has never been there for me. He was still quite young when he had me (22) and a couple years ago even admitted telling me I was a mistake. He was incarcerated in federal prison for 3 years when I was 15-18 but before that he was never there. Initially my family kept his incarceration a secret but I found out eventually when I picked up the phone and I had to accept a call from prison. My dad used to bring so many women over when my whole family lived together and never really took care of me when I was younger. I am now 20 and he lives in China for his business. He had dated a pinay girl and she became pregnant with his child, A boy, whom I heard looks exactly like him. He even has the same full name as my father... The boys mother died a couple years ago because her brother was affiliated with some Asian Gang. CUrrently the boy is 9 and is in foster care because his grandparents were found unfit to take care of him. My father is not a gangster, he is a businessman, and a father who made wrong decisions and continues to make them despite the fact he has a daughter.. and son. I a 20 year old female, and I should be getting over my issues with my father.

I want to forgive him and move on. I barely see him maybe once a year because my grandparents force me to fly over there from the U.S. visit him and treat him well. I think about this more often then I want to. I care for my Dad but I want to let him be and do his own thing and continue his business whatever else he wants. But just without me. I feel constantly hurt by him. I can't talk to him about this. I come from an asian cultural background. Whatever he wants to do I really don't want to care anymore. As a young adult my view on relationships are very bleak. I am insecure about relationships, insecure about myself, I cannot handle stress well. Would this be because of abandoment issues? My friends who have good relationships with their families seem stable and happy. As for me I don't even know what makes me happy. I matured at a really really young age. I am quiet, studious, REALLy and truly a nice person, but I cry myself to sleep a lot thinking about my family. I try to find the best in people, but over the past few years the way people are have made me deeply depressed. I don't know what to do. I need to stop being so upset so I can finish college, find a successful job and show him I never really needed him anyway. Will this be living in spite and in vain? Even when I'm older if I don't handle this differently will I feel this way forever?

My dad constantly tells me all men cheat, and he knows this because he does this and does not approve of my boyfriend that I have been with for 3 years because he is not the same ehtnicity as I am. My father currently has a girlfriend who wants to have a baby with him. A couple years ago I met his last girlfriend who was only 24... he was 41.. and I'm 20! My friends are 24... He told me he was about to date a young girl until he found out she was a year older than me and decided not to. He has dated so many girls I saw when I was young I can't even count. He wants to hire a lawyer to bring his son out of foster care and into his home in China. This makes me so upset because he couldn't even take care of me. ANd now that he has a boy (asian parents like boys better) he wants to take him in? My parents are telling me I need to study harder if I want my fathers approval, if I want his legacy and as of now his successful business will be 50 percent to me and 50 to his son whom he's never met and is only 9. I don't find that fair. Maybe I'm equating this inheritance issue with love. I really don't care about inheritance or money. I want to be left alone from my family because I feel hopeless in fixing my relationship with my dad. I wanted love and approval but I am 20 now, its been too long. I want to forgive him and just move on but him being constantly in and out of my life doesn't help. I am not a bad daughter. I don't talk back. I am insecure because I am constantly criticized. This makes it harder for my boyfriend sometimes.

When I heard my dad had a son he didn't know about, I became depressed. I moved out and into my boyfriends house because it hurts me being home. My family thinks that I'm a whore for living with a man before marriage but I can't tell them how I truly feel about their constant criticism. When I was depressed in high school I saw my counselor, I wasn't suicidal, neither am I in denial but she called my aunt and told her I am depressed because of family issues, that when I go to college I must dorm because I need to be free from my family. My aunt flipped out and I didn't dorm. My grades dropped lower. I remember being so unhappy as a child I'd write essays about my depression but I didn't know it back then.

I once walked in on my dad having sex with his girlfriend when I was 9. My dad has such a bad temper when I was upset at him he yelled at me telling him I'm not his daughter. His sister (my aunt) she takes care of me well but when she's upset starts saying that she can't get married because she had to take care of me.

I Don't know what to do. I should be happy for a foster child to be living with his own dad. I shouldn't be so self pitying and selfish. How can I get over this? I want a better relationship with my family. I miss them so much but I'm scared of going back.

I have a problem with seeing every smart/ pretty girl and competing with them. I have to constantly be better in order for myself to be happy But there will always be someone better. I feel that I wasn't good enough for my family.

[Bluerose]

geminii,

You sound very depressed. You must go see your doctor now. Tell him/her what you just told us. Take a copy of what you wrote if need be. Please go and talk to someone about how you are feeling.

[talaniman]

Please see a trained professional to guide you through the healing process .

[geminii]

If your daughter came up to you. And told you that she felt this way and you were dong these things. What would you tell her? Would you just take her to a therapist?

[geminii]

Anything people do will affect someone, someway, somehow, directly or indirectly especially parents. I don't wnt to hate or hold grudges against the people that have betrayd me, especially my family and especially if it hurts me. I just want to Wish them well and hope they make better decisions the next time..

Parents please love your children and be there for them the best way you know how.

[sexybeasty]

I think you would benefit greatly from therapy. For one thing, you are very intellignet and sound like a great girl who is not appreciated for her full worth. Therapy can give you a sense of rightness in a wrong world.

You are right to want to forgive. Forgiveness is for the forgiver and not the forgivee so much. It will help you to move on to greater situations, like being in love and having good friends and making your own way.

You are right to not care about inheritance. If your father is so short sighted as to not want to inherit you, you don't need his money, sugar. Make your own.

As far as your half brother is concerned. I hope you one day meet him and give him the benefit of a more forward way of thinking. He desperately needs your insight and compassion... in contrast to your short sighted father.

God bless you honey. You are going to be fine. If you do get overwhelmed, remember that therapy could be just the ticket. (Smile)

[geminii]

sexybeasty. Thank you for putting therapy in a better light for me. I am really missing out on a father/ mother figure or at least someone that can treat me like their daughter; your kind words have made me realize this. I learned that I just need a little nurturing and a little praise that I have never received. I appreciate your post and will be seeing a therapist this week to sort everything out. I know I have a good head on my shoulders, I just need to fix my heart. I wish there were more people like you.

Thank You.

[LBP]

I get the feeling that you're a very shy person, from all that you've written here... Doubtless, your lack of confidence and this apparent shyness likely go hand in hand... Yet you seem to know you're pretty, smart and quite obviously capable of reflection and personal growth.

To summarize, you have all the tools available to be a happy person. Though your father is your blood, I think it's important to remember that in the long run you don't really owe him anything. He did not play a role in your upbringing, it sounds like. And the fact that your Aunt holds her bleeding DUTY against you is something beneath contempt (though she may be a lovely person otherwise). Like Chris Rock says, when speaking on parents, "So people talk to me about taking care of they kids... 'I don't beat my children!' Good for you! What do you want, a cookie?!"

Remember that this is your life, not theirs. Do what you have to do to make it enjoyable - you only get one! Does that mean creating some distance between yourself and your family, your father specifically? It sounds like whenever you interact with these people, they just cause you pain. Would a mouse continue to take a piece of cheese if, every time he bit it, it made him sick? No.

Is therapy a possible answer? Yes, of course. But remember that just because those closest to you have not been up to par, there are still plenty of fabulous people (and men) in the world. I'm no cheat with women and I can think of many others, here on the board for example, who can -proudly- say the same thing.

You have a lot to live for. You have so many blessings and I know you know that. I'm not asking you to take them for granted... I'm asking you to use them. And be damned anyone who gets between you and what the world has given you - the right to be happy!

I hope I don't come off as hammy or heavy-handed... You sound very depressed and I feel a great deal of empathy for you. Best of luck, really - I wish you the absolute best! You sound like a very caring and considerate (such a rare trait!) person.

[ordinaryguy]

I have to say I'm almost in awe of people like you, gem. The circumstances of your birth and upbringing are tragic and heartbreaking, depriving you of the nurturing, stability, and love that parents should, and mostly do, give to their children. And yet, in spite of this great deprivation, you are emerging as a kind, sensitive, intelligent, caring person. If that doesn't qualify as a miracle, then the definition needs to be changed, In my opinion.