[beanerriffic]

Hi I don't usually go on these things but I figured iw= would give it a try this once. Any advise or ideas would be great and no worries on being blunt with me :)

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 8 years now with a one year break in between. We met when we were 17 and I went off to college that was about 3 hours away. He stayed. During this time I was at school he cheated and cheated a lot. With lots of different girls. I didn't but I'm a girl with Morals. When I moved back home we broke up and stayed as such for about a year. In that time I turned 21 and went crazy and had an AWESOME time! We ran into each other at a friends get together later and soon we were hanging out all the time again. Before when we broke up he had an excuse for everything and never admitted anything. When we got back together two years later he told me EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE he was unfaithfulw ith. Details I probably didn't need to know but it was for the best. He always admits to the infidelity now and never blames it on me like he used to. I am having a hard time moving forward and accuse him all the time of the craziest things. Sometimes stuff that's just not logical. He lives with me right now and the majority of the time things are great but every once in a while I just get crazy jealous. He always leaves his phone out and tells me to look through it whenever I want ( not hard to delete things I tell him), he gave me his password to his Facebook and email accounts and I don't feel comfortable looking through them. On his Facebook his profile says all this stuff about me and how hopefully one day I will deam him worthy of marrying and all he will do is wait until I learn to trust again. I read online those "ten signs to know he is cheating" and they don't usually match up but I am still not comfortable. They all say if you feel he is cheating he is, well my feelings may be blurred. Could he be? I just don't know, sometimes I feel like he may be overcompinsating. Is it true once a cheater always a cheater?

[sharper11]

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is right 9 times out of 10. In your case, you were both young, did the break up, maybe he learned his lesson (maybe not).

BUT, if you want to have a normal relationship, there has to be trust. Checking the cell phone, accusing him all of the time, etc. etc..,. is going to get really old (for both of you) and lead you down a path to an eventual break-up anyway.

The main question is, are you happy? The thought of cheating or having to "spy" doesn't sound very fun, and wouldn't make most people happy. If you aren't happy, end it now.

[BMI]

8 years ago I'd have told you that while you may have morals you lack common sense *zing*. Now that this has played itself out over an 8 years span, he seems to be settling down a bit.

I understand the concern while he was behaving in that manner, but years later? What is telling, at least to me, is that he is giving you free access to his personal stuff, phone, Facebook, etc. While not a 100% indication nothing is going on, it is pretty open. I mean he has to be doing, talking, meeting, someone somewhere for you to be right. Those mediums are the first place people look to spot something fishy (Trust me I know... cause... I read a book... on it... yeah:))

As mentioned above, if he is innocent (and you have zilch in terms of proving he's not) than it would get real old real fast being accused of such a serious thing when he's doing nothing but lovin' you.

Think on it. It's a slippery slope this once a cheater always a cheater. However, you did commit to him regardless of his past sins so to come back at him years later is confusing a bit to me.

[Jwr5885]

A great man once told me ALL relationships are built on trust whether it be friends or w/e. Trust is the foundation of solid relationships without it there will always be jealousy and overwelhming doubt. I know how it feels to love someone like that u always tell yourself they've changed and make excuses for their past actions. My advice would be don't trust him because it's easy to forgive then to forget and those doubts are never going to go away only get worse and in turn make your relationship harder for both of you.

[kcomissiong]

You have the ball in your court and a decision to make at this point. I can't say if he is cheating or not, that isn't something any of us could know. It does sound like he has had an opportunity to grow and learn from his mistakes, and is making a genuine effort to re-establish the trust you had in him. You have to decide if what he is doing will ever be enough. If he and your relationship are work working for, then you have to let it go and forgive him. Stop punishing it for him. If you can't do that, then you need to end the relationship, and save yourself years of suspicion. Save him from a relationship where he will never know what it feels like to be trusted and secure. What you should not do is continue to be with him, but constantly accuse him or punish him for past behavior. I;m not saying that he doesn't deserve everything that he got, but you need to decide if his past is something you can live with. If it isn't then, he can't be a part of your future.

[talaniman]

While I understand being worried he will revert back to what he was, if you cannot trust him what would be the point of being in a relationship with him? He did say he would wait until you do, but ultimately its you taking the risk, and investing your time. He is either worth the risk, or he is not.

[DoulaLC]

Since you have been back together, has there been any situation that caused you to be concerned? Has he given you any reason to doubt his honesty at this point?

I agree, many times once a cheater always a cheater, but that doesn't always hold true. He was very young, and while that doesn't excuse the behaviour, people obviously do mature and often do foolish things when young that they wouldn't do when they are older.

I also agree with the notion that he has given you free reign into any area of his life in an effort to show that he is being open with you.

It is unfortunate that there are no guarantees. Love truly is a leap of faith. It takes time, sometimes quite a bit of time, to get those nagging feelings of doubt to crop up less and less once you have been cheated on.

Look for what he does to reassure you of his commitment. If you find that the doubts are becoming less and less, then maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. If you find that you simply can not get passed it, then you may need to reconsider the future with him.

I will tell you, however, that because you have been cheated on, it is possible that those nagging feelings may show up now and then, in some degree, even in a new relationship. How you deal with it, should it arise, becomes important to the health of the relationship.