[JB2211]

My ex and I started going out just over two months ago - it was serious from the start, he said he had never felt the way he did about me, he had a 9 year relationship which ended 2 years ago, he and I got on so well and talked about the future, living together, marriage, kids, everything was perfect, we both felt as if we had met our matches. One month in however he came round to tell me that he was due to go away for 5 days on holiday, he had forgotten that he booked it ages ago, his boss had reminded him, he was really sorry, loved me with all his heart, but had to go as he needed a break (he had been working like crazy and had been ill). I was suspicious but he kept reassuring me it was innocent. When he got there he sent me a photo of his single bed in his hotel to reassure me. But I still kept on at him and said basically I didn't believe something wasn't up. He then stopped texting me so much, and when he got back didn't take my calls. After four days of us not talking, I texted him to say I assumed it was over and was going on a date as I needed to move on if he had. He called me and we talked for four hours, he said he had been hurt by me not trusting him and said his holiday had been ruined. We made up and I saw him a few nights later, and he was affectionate and had bought me presents. He stayed the night, then worked the next day. I felt that he wasn't as keen to make time to see me anymore and when we did schedule something he told me that the next day he was ill. He has been ill since, that was over two weeks ago, 10 days ago I finished with him - he said he still loved me, we have only spoken by text once in that time, I suggested we meet next week and be friends, he said that sounded good. Thing is I love him, I just felt that he wasn't as keen to make time to see me and that he always had excuses - he maintains that he has never lost any feelings for me, but he had felt confused about the arguing about his holiday. He said he loved me and wouldn't be able to move on quickly, that I was very special to him and still believes I am the one but just couldn't take the arguing and then making up and then arguing. My problem was that I just never saw him, once in the last month. How do I get him back, and does he still love me??

[redhed35]

Your issues with trust and insecurity so early on in the relationship probably sent him running for the hills.

Its easy to confuse love with lust in the early days, the planning for the future is common in most relationships in the early days when there is a strong physical connection, however in the cold light of day it's a different story, you accusing him of being unfaithful was just too much.

Does he still love you, its hard to say if he ever did at such an early stage, will he come back? Would you come back to someone who brought drama and accusations into your life.

[JB2211]

Thanks for your response, I know that I asked him a lot about things and felt like a nag and like I was constantly questioning him so I do agree with you that this probably made him run for the hills - however, the holiday that he didn't know about in 2 days, he hadn't had an email from the guys he was going with since Christmas, he said his flights were at lunch but they were in the afternoon, when he landed in the evening at what time he should have landed, he said his flight had been delayed, being sick for two weeks and not calling me, not arranging to see me were just big red flags. So whilst I accept that in hindsight I shouldn't have been so full on about it, I do think that there were some strange things happening. I do believe he loved me, we spent every day for a month together, he said he loved me all the time and even when he broke up with me he said he believed I was still the one. We were never horrible to each other over all these discussions, I asked him, not nagged him per se, and we still talked really amicably and lovingly towards each other even when these issues surfaced so I don't think I've been a ball and chain to him but I do accept what you say and I do hope that we will get back together as there's just too much feeling to lose forever.

[talaniman]

I think you have approached this way to fast, and gotten carried away by some intense feelings way to early to be healthy.

The guy is still a stranger to you and while its been fun for a month, you have skipped the whole dating to get to know each other part, and gone to love, and talk of future happiness. Your expectations are too high to be met, and you are not even paying attention, and getting facts, but letting feelings push you to some very impulsive actions, driven by your own insecurities and issues.

I think you back way up, and start being a lot more thoughtful about pushing so hard and fast on such notions as a future, while you first find out who and what you are dealing with. After all, a 30 physically intense fling, with a lot of love talk, doesn't make for a relationship. You really need to just stop, and examine where your own head is at. You are so carried away you have yet to learn who you are dealing with, and have made him to big a part of your life at this time.

No wonder you are afraid of what's going on. To much, to fast, crash and burn! You have a lot more to learn about this fellow, and you had better pay a lot closer attention to be objective. You cannot just give your heart to a stranger who has the right words without making sure he deserves it, and knows what to do with it.

He has done none of these things, so tell your heart to shut up, and start listening to your brain.

[BMI]

I agree completely with the above(s).

I'll be honest, reading this seemed very comical to me. I mean, seriously, 2 months!!

You go into great detail about he said this and it was perfect and you are the one and he is the one and on and on and on. Let me ask you this: do you think that when one person meets the other, begins dating and learning about the other person (the honeymoon phase as its called) that their story about it being perfect is any different than yours? Do you really think your relationship is any different?

Here's the thing, through experience, observation, wisdom, growth, etc. you begin to understand these things. The other person WILL seem perfect in the beginning. Perfectly natural reaction to think it's love, it's perfect, you are going to be together forever and so on. However, most identify the feeling, enjoy it and then come back down to earth with the rest of us downtrodden folks:)

The above is normal, your behaviour is anything but. Just by reading your post most guys can already accuarately picture what they are dealing with. Scary stuff.

Consider that after only 2 months this gentleman felt it necessary to take a picture of his hotel bed in order to pacify your curiosity (although, if he were being unfaithful I fail to see how this would prove anything but the fact that at one point during his trip, nobody was sleeping in his bed).

I'd forget the getting him back stuff. I highly doubt he would entertain that, evidence by the fact that he is not currently doing so. Your time is better spent on you and perhaps growing your self-esteem.

Best.

[JB2211]

Hi, thank you for your response. I do think it is a bit harsh, I understand you only have the e-mail to go on but I think that to say what you describe as the right way to navigate the first part of a r'ship to then saying my behaviour is anything but normal is a bit strong. Also to say that my self-esteem is low and that I should read the signs, that forget getting him back, I need to work on myself, is really unnecessary. I take on board what you say so thanks but just a little hurtful and not entirely accurate. :-)

[kcomissiong]

JB, as a poster on this site, I feel compelled to mention your inappropriate negatives on other people's postings. First, this is the INTERNET. You have no control over what people post. You asked for advice, and you really shouldn't whine about the kid you got just because you didn't like it. Additionally, what everyone has posted is absolutely correct. The fact that you are behaving in such an obsessive manner over a two months relationship is disturbing. The fact the pictures of an empty bed (that doesn't mean anything) are what it takes to pacify you is almost comical.

If I were him, I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with you if you are behaving this was after eight weeks. I would back off, because you honestly don't come across as balanced. All people love and enjoy the feelings that come in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. MOST people recognize them for what they are and don't try to turn the feelings of euphoria into the indicator of a lifelong relationship. You read too much into the initial happiness of your relationship, and he is running for the hills. Tone it down a little.

[JB2211]

I didn't ask him to send me a photo of his bed - all I said was his holiday story sounded strange. He talked about the future, not just me, and that does sometimes happen to couples, and I have to say, it hasn't happened to me in previous relationships, they have normally taken quite a bit longer to get to that stage. He has since contacted me to say he wants to meet in any case, so he didn't exactly run for the hills. I know you don't know me, but if you are saying I shouldn't comment in a constructive fashion on what people had said to me, then why is there a rating function on the site? Also I think calling someone in-balanced is pretty negative and inappropriate, far more than I have said to any comments.

[kcomissiong]

Please use the answer option for follow-ups... its less confusing. You asked for advice and you got it, you don't have a whole lot of choice about what is said. Please read the rules for ratings on the site. None of these answers were factually incorrect, and if the posters, myself included, believe that your behavior sounds unbalanced, well, you did ask us what we thought. The fact they you are discussing a love relationship with a person you dated for two months, and haven't seen in a month is a little disturbing.

The bottom line is this... if he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have left, he would still be there. You seem to be focusing on his words and not his behavior. If he has not made time to see you, its because he doesn't want to. The words can continue to string you along, his behavior says it all. What are you holding on to so tightly after two months that you just cannot let this relationship go?

[JB2211]

I accept what people say and that they have the right to say what they have, and I have taken those comments on board as I say. Every person's relationship is different, as I said, I haven't been in a relationship before where it became so serious early on, it takes two for that to happen, and he was the one who was a step ahead in that sense, I felt the same so we moved at pretty much the same pace. Funnily enough, any of my friends who I have spoken to about him have told me to run for the hills, it was clear that the holiday thing was a sign that something was going on in his life. All I did was ask him about it, then I let him go, he was so desperate that I wouldn't suspect anything untoward was going on that he sent me a photo of his bed, I didn't ask for that and I thought it was a bit strange that he sent it to me. Two months, six months, all relationships develop at a different pace, you surely know of people who move in after two months or less and who talk about a future after a few weeks. Ok, so as you say, maybe he actions don't match his words, which is why I finished it with him, he didn't want it that way - but I read the signs. He wants to meet up to talk, which I will, but I don't think that I am unbalanced for the way in which I have behaved.

[JudyKayTee]

You can't make anyone do what they don't want to do (including "coming back to you"). If he wanted to be with you, he would. He told you why he was breaking off the relationship. If he loved you he'd either try to work things out or be with you.

I think it's over.

[BMI]

He wants to meet up to talk, which I will, but I don't think that I am unbalanced for the way in which I have behaved.

Behaved? I think you mean, behaving.

Ask anyone who has taken the time to respond to your situation whether they would have guessed that if this guy who basically NC'd you, called you up again to go out, you'd go? I wager 100%.

I think that is the frustrating part when you try to offer help on here. You have a problem, you ask the forum for help, they allllll respond the same way, and you do the exact opposite of what they are telling you. Why even ask for advice when you have no intention of receiving it? I don't think anyone here thinks you should meet up with him (actually, more so against him meeting up with you), but your going to anyway.

As for being offended, I'd write myself the same message.

[martinizing2]

I would also agree that in two months a relationship is still an infant.

It is easy and often done to mistake the attraction and passion (or lust)

Of a new relationship for love.

I believe this is the downfall of many people in that they are so consumed
With the blazing hot passion and gripping attraction of exploring a new body
And mind that they will cast reason aside and be engulfed by the moment.

With him probably being used to going off on holiday and not having to explain
Any part of it to anyone , until you came along.
You have talked about moving in and sharing your lives and being in love...
Which means he will now be explaining and maybe even justifying his time away.

He now is reminded of the lost freedom a single person enjoys.
That thought has put the brakes on for me in no uncertain manner and caused
Some critical evaluation of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.



The warmth and comfort and security that an honest mutual caring partner brings
Is almost too good to be true and will make the work it takes to build and maintain
A good relationship well worth the heaven to hell ups and downs that can (and usually do) happen
In the several years it takes to really know and understand someone enough that you feel
It is the right choice for you both.

But when compared to the freedom I was caught up in, being single after years of being
A single parent with no time to do much but work and keep house , with intermittent periods
Of sleep , to having all the kids out having their own kids,. I could do anything I wanted to.

He may be experiencing this crossroad to some extent and could cause hesitation and doubt.
But better it happen now than 5 or 10 years down the road . If this is the case.

And by your description of events and the time you have invested in this ,
I believe it to be a factor . He has had two years on his own and decision 2011
Looms up maybe faster than expected and scared the hell out of him.

How long have you been outside of a relationship?
I suggest that taking time to be nothing else but you want to be,
And doing only what you want to is an investment of your time that can
Be almost as rewarding as being happy and content in the mutual love and sharing
Relationships and family bring.
Try it for a year or two or three , it grows on you.
I'll start year twenty seven in November of my second childhood.

[JB2211]

Thanks to everyone for their comments, I do take them on board and it's given me a useful insight to my behaviour, so lesson learned hopefully, albeit the hard way.

[puccini]

Well one year on, I hope all has worked out. And no not everyone has the same views on here. Unbalanced? No, in fact you seem the most balanced person on here - your views are considered and objective. All of us behave in an unbalanced way one time or another, but obviously that does not make you unbalanced. It just so how happens that your moment in time is captured and frozen on this page for all to see.

Firstly, I will add that a lot can happen in a couple of months or weeks: I've certainly experienced this in my life and often those feelings are not simply lustful. Love - there are many types of love and the love felt in a couple of weeks or months is no less authentic than that felt at deeper stages of a relationship, often it transforms.

For certain people falling in love can be very real and genuine - for those who show their true selves early on, not just their better selves. Also not only do people make grand assumptions predicated on their personality type (eg they hold back early on) but in addition that all expereinces must be covered by their limited experiences (you can't know someone, or truly love someone in a few weeks).

My thoughts on how you handled this situation. Obviously it was wrong but what should you have done? Well perhaps spoken to a friend or step outside yourself and recognised that you could be wrong and if you are wrong then this will be hugely damaging. Yes it is possible he was up to no good (how do I know?) but equally (and probably) the opposite could be true: he is there, reluctantly, pining for the girl he has recently fallen in love with - but by attacking him this way you eliminate the best case scenario which is being in love in a relationship untainted by jealously. The best you are then hoping for is scarred love. Did he still love you (its one year ago now)? Yes probably, but the bubble was certainly burst (and that is sad) but perhaps not unrecoverable.

Additionally, on short term love, it is easier for our brains to trick us, to protect us, over love than did not last than love that did: as such people often assume what happened was not real - long term love is harder to rewire. But love changes and matures but few of us would wish that it had been any shorter. Falling in love is such critical period because we are so vulnerable: if we manage to be a true person, lack complacency, and take the opportunity to rid ourselves of our failings then it can be deeper, more magical and last longer.