[Michael18]

I am 18 years old, 19 years old in three months. I am graduating high school  in three weeks, I have all A's and B's in class except for one C+, and I am the senior vice president of my school. But my parents still feel that it's their job to "parent" me.

My parents still have a designated bedtime for me at 10:00pm, instead of letting me keep track of my own sleep/time schedule.

They also have a wireless power switch connected to our internet modem that they turn off at 11:00pm with a remote controller so I don't have any internet access at night during the school week.

I've only had a couple friends over to my house so far in my entire life, the first friend that came over was only here about ten times when I was ten years old, but he kept teasing me so we didn't get along well. The second time a friend came over was about six months ago and he only stayed one weekend.

But most of the time when I ask if a friend can come over on the weekend, they always use an excuse to justify themselves that they can't come over:
1. "You don't do anything around the house." (They never made me do chores. They "hint" that I should help them though. But I do clean up after myself and do dishes.)
2. "The house has to be cleaned." (When I tell them that it is dirty, and that we can clean it, they tell me "it's not dirty.")
3. "There's stuff that has to be done." (Things that have three weeks time to be done.)
4. "Things are happening." (Things that have nothing to do with someone not being able to come over.)
5. "You have had friends over and all you did was fight with them." (I was ten years old back then and he was the one that relentlesly teased me.)
6. "You have homework to do." (Homework that I actually have no problem getting done at school.)
7. "No." (Just plain no, with no reason whatsoever.)

I understand them not wanting me to stay up too late so I don't suffer from sleep deprivation during school, but I don't think they seem to understand that it makes me feel like they think I'm not mature enough to manage my time appropriatly and it's really tiring not being able to spend time with anybody outside of school because we don't live near any of my friends.

My parents said that they never let anyone come over, or let me go to anyone's house because I took a long time and didn't finish my homework most of the time. But when I did have my homework done, and I wanted someone over, it somehow never happened other than those two times. As previously stated, I believe no one ended up coming over because of their "justifications." I believe it gets to a point to where even if I didn't have my homework completely finished, and the house wasn't completely "prepared for company," or whatever they said, that they should have at least let me have a friend over once in a while when I asked.

Even if my homework wasn't quite done, they didn't let me go over to my grandma and grandpa's house that's only 1/8 of a mile away. My relatives complained about how I "never was allowed to come over," and my relatives justified themselves that if I didn't have my homework done, my parents could have sent me over with my "homework in hand." But I had gone over and visited many times before so my parents feelings were hurt. So now my dads parents and my parents have an ongoing conflict with each other, but my parents blame me and say it was my fault for making my grandparents think what they think about them.

I will explain why my parents blame me for my grandparents mind-set:

It started the summer break four years ago when my mom developed serious ovarian cancer just before I turned fifteen years old:

My mom started to have inflammation in her abdomen and we decided to get it checked out by having a cat scan in the hospital. Both of her ovaries had serious cancer, so they had to preform a full histerectomy. After that, she underwent a radical new form of chemotherapy where they filled her whole abdomen with chemo-fluid multiple times.

My moms whole family came up for moral and physical support, along with the emotional turmoil and raised stress levels that comes along with a family member being very ill.

Now mind you, I was adopted at five years old. I have been an only child ever since I was adopted, I always have been taken well care of, my parents always did their best to get what I wanted, and I never had any designated chores because my parents just did them for me without thinking a second though about it. My parents and I did many fun things together such as taking family vacations to the beach and having family board game nights etc.

My mothers mom and dad (grandma and grandpa) expected me to help with things around the house while they were here nursing my mom. I had never done anything around the house so I naturally didn't 'hop-to-it' and help. As a result my mothers mom kept saying that I "never thought about anyone else," I "never did anything," and that I was "the laziest kid she had ever met." But she never blamed my parents parenting skills (my parents never making me do any chores).

Along with those problems I had, the tensions in the family led to many arguments between my mothers siblings and parents. Such as both of my moms sisters (my aunts) complaining to my moms parents that they had "no right to tell them what to do and what not to do or say." And now I have developed those same arguments myself between my parents.

Anyway, I felt troubled but didn't want to talk with my parents about it because of what my mom was going through. (I didn't want to place my troubles on top of their troubles at the time.) Because of this, I talked to someone close to me at the time, I talked to my fathers mom (my other grandmother) about what was happening and what was troubling me at the time. I talked about not having that many friends at school, (most people in school weren't that accepting of me) and what was happening at home with my relatives. 

I opened up to her, unbenownst to me that my dads mother already  had her own ill opinions of my parents which she had never talked to them about. She had opinions about their parenting which she nonchalantly talked to me about my parents and tried to convince me they weren't doing the right things for my childhood.

I told my parents that I had talked with her. And over a conversation on the phone with her, my parents asked what had been talked about. My grandmother told my parents that I had a "horrible life," and went on about how she dissaproved of their parenting skills which she said was the reason why I had a "bad life." What she told my parents are as follows:
1. She believes that my parents never let her or any other family nembers into our house. (What she said is not true. They never came in because they didn't like our dogs jumping all over them.)
2. She told them that they never invited them over to our house. (They were invited many times.)
3. She said that my parents deprived me of anything physical because they never signed me up for any sports. (I never liked sports in the first place and my parents know that.)
4. She thinks that I shouldn't call my parents "mommy" and "daddy." (I have always been close to my parents, they will always be my parents, and that's what I've always called them because it's endearing.)
5. She said I was too old to still be sleeping by their bed during the weekends. (I used to sleep by their bed at night when I was little on the weekends. We would watch a movie and t.v. shows until I fell asleep because I didn't have a t.v. in my bedroom. It was our family time watching movies together.)

My parents believe that what my grandmother told them, is what I told my grandmother, which is not true. I never told my grandmother that I thought they were bad parents. I simply stated to my grandmother what happened and how I was feeling at the time, I have never said my parents were not good parents. So basically my grandmother told them that she disaproved of how they raised me and my parents think that it was me. Because of this, my parents lost their trust in me and think that I will go and tell everyone about what happens in the household and they are really paranoid about it now. I told them it was in fact my grandmother who had those opinions about them but they didn't believe me. I have been angry at my grandmother ever since for telling my parents those things, and I have been mad at my parents ever since for believing that it was me that said those things because they don't believe my grandmother would ever say those things about them without me telling my grandmother about it in the first place.

My parents turn the wifi off whenever we get into an argument thinking I will tell everyone about it within hearing distance. (It's because I had told and asked a couple other family members what they though about what happened over the internet.)

My dads brother and his brothers spouse (my aunt and uncle) told me things that they were unhappy about with my parents before I was even with my mom and dad. They told me that my parents never let them into their house, they even told me about my mothers sister (my aunt on my mothers side). And so I asked my mom and dad about what they told me, and my parents said that they were telling lies. They told me that they always let my uncle in, and they played games and watched television with him and let him sleep on their spare bed. They were extremely unhappy that I talked to them.

And then my aunt and uncle called and told me that they were "mad" I had "told" my parents about what they told me. They said that they told me what they said "in confidence" and they they would never "trust" me again. (Sounds like my aunt and uncle were talking crap about my parents to me and didn't want them to know about it.)

My parents lost their trust in me and told me that I should talk to them first about what I'm unhappy about with them. They also said "sometimes things are said that you just don't go talking about to everyone else." And that I "wouldn't like it if" they "told people" what I "say or do."

I talked to my mom and dad about everything that happened with my grandmother and other siblings but it still hasn't gotten better. My grandmother refused to, and won't talk to my parents about it, so there hasn't been any resolve. If I talk to my grandmother, my parents will think that I'm talking smack about them. So I still haven't told my grandmother how much it hurt me that she would say those things about my parents which basically ruined my relationship with them.

My dad blames me for his mom and family not talking to him anymore because of their argument about how I was raised. (It was my grandmother, and her family that had their opinions about my parents in the first place.) 

My mom and dad don't trust me, thinking that I'll tell everyone else everything that I'm unhappy with about them. And my parents still think that I should have a bedtime/cutoff time for the internet even though I'm almost 19 years old.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I can make my parents and my grandmother talk to each other, but I want a resolution before I leave, and I also want them to stop blaming me for what happened. I want them to treat me like I am mature enough to run my own life/time schedule.

[Wondergirl]

Thank goodness you used paragraph breaks!

Do you have a driver's license?

[Fr_Chuck]

Let me see, on school nights, yes you should be going to bad at 10pm so you will be rested for school.

And if you are in bed at 10, there is no need for internet at 11 pm ( is there ?) if you are trying to use internet at 11, then you are not in bed asleep.
I see no issue on school nights with a bed time, this is how parents used to be and it seemed to work very well.

So you don't ask, and don't wait to be told. You do things around the home without being ask, or without asking, you just do things. If you don't, then no you are not helping around the house.

[Michael18]

No, I don't have a license, but I do have a drivers permit and I am working up to that all important license. But I haven't driven that much at all anyway, so it will be a little bit before I am ready to drive by myself.

[Michael18]

I lay down at 10:00pm, but the internet is kept on until 11:00pm to wrap up any converations that I may be having with my girlfriend and other friends. I'm supposed to get to sleep from 10:00-11:00pm, and 11:00pm being the absolute latest that I'm supposed to stay up till. 11:00pm and later is my designated sleep time leaving me with 8 hours of sleep. I don't have an issue with it, and I fully understand them keeping me from depriving myself of sleep.

I have made it a plan to be more pro-active and do things around the house that need to be done when I see the need for something to be done like mow the lawn and clean up around the house. (But my parents don't want me doing the laundry because they think I will be uncleanly while doing it, OCD.)

[Wondergirl]

But I haven't driven that much at all anyways, so it will be a little bit before I am ready to drive by myself.

What is taking so long, especially since you told us you are out in the middle of nowhere. I would think a license would be your ticket to become more independent. Then you could go places and do things alone or with friends (of course, after letting a parent know).

Don't friends have licenses, so they could pick you up at home on weekends or even bring you home after school and after-school activities? (I grew up in farm country, so if you didn't have a license, you were fated to ride the big yellow school bus seven miles to civilization, were limited to the bus's schedule (to and from school), or had to hope a parent or friend(s) would be willing to drive you somewhere. Thus, nearly everyone had a license and a beater car by age 16 or 17.)

[Michael18]

No, I don't have a license, but I do have a drivers permit and I am working up to that all important license. But I haven't driven that much at all anyway, so it will be a little bit before I am ready to drive by myself. (I didn't see the comment button for peoples replies till now.)

[Wondergirl]

You did it right the first time. Please use the Answer box, not the Comment box. Thanks.

(The Comment box is mostly for short replies -- plus an Answer is quotable, whereas a Comment is not.)

[Michael18]

I never gave a second thought about my independence until the last couple years, like being able to hang with people in person when any such opportunity arrives. I've had it made for me at home, I can make my techno music on the computer, have a supply of food, and can communicate with everyone through social network sites and texting (I have an iPod touch byt not a cell phone so I can only communicate with people while connected to wifi).

But if something happens, my parents can deny me using their computer and the internet which is basically all that I can do except play video games or go watch the grass grow. (My parents said they my friend couldn't come over because we have to mow our lawn, but we still have three weeks to get that done.)

I have a car (Ford Taurus) but the battery is dead so I have to get enough money to pay for it before I can take myself anywhere. I live about nine miles away from civilization, so I had to follow the bus schedule too.

[Michael18]

Okay, lol, thank you! I didn't know. =]

[Michael18]

I lay down at 10:00pm, but the internet is kept on until 11:00pm to wrap up any converations that I may be having with my girlfriend and other friends. I'm supposed to get to sleep from 10:00-11:00pm, and 11:00pm being the absolute latest that I'm supposed to stay up till. 11:00pm and later is my designated sleep time leaving me with 8 hours of sleep. I don't have an issue with it, and I fully understand them keeping me from depriving myself of sleep.

I have made it a plan to be more pro-active and do things around the house that need to be done when I see the need for something to be done like mow the lawn and clean up around the house. (But my parents don't want me doing the laundry because they think I will be uncleanly while doing it, OCD.)

[Michael18]

I never gave a second thought about my independence until the last couple years, like being able to hang with people in person when any such opportunity arrives. I've had it made for me at home, I can make my techno music on the computer, have a supply of food, and can communicate with everyone through social network sites and texting (I have an iPod touch but not a cell phone so I can only communicate with people while connected to wifi).

But if something happens, my parents can deny me using their computer and the internet which is basically all that I can do except play video games or go watch the grass grow. (My parents said they my friend couldn't come over because we have to mow our lawn, but we still have three weeks to get that done.)

I have a car (Ford Taurus) but the battery is dead so I have to get enough money to pay for it before I can take myself anywhere. I live about nine miles away from civilization, so I had to follow the bus schedule too.

[Wondergirl]

Please don't repost and put the same answer in two places (in both Comment and Answer).

Is there a backstory we aren't hearing? -- perhaps a parent's religious preference or a medical problem or even a psychological one?

[Michael18]

Well for me I went through five foster homes after I was taken away from my biological parents (taken away because of physical, sexual, verbal abuse) before I was adopted.

I was well taken care of in the legal system and was appointed a child couseler to work out any problems I had.

My first foster home was with whole bunch of other children, I clebrated my first fourth of July there with fireworks and such.

My second foster home had even more children there, I was 2 years old at the time. I wet the bed at night because of my abuse earlier in life and the foster mother would get angry and yell at me for doing it, thinking I did it on purpose. So she would make me clean it up by myself,  and then she hung it outside for all to see. Later I accidentally found the two foster parents having sex with each other one night there and because I was curious I went out with a group of kids there and experimented not knowing better. The foster parents found out about it and I got in big trouble from them. The foster mother took me to the bathtub for a bath, and she picked me up by my legs, and while I was upside down, she slammed my head on the bottom of the bathtub. I had another counceler meeting and told the couseler lady all about it, I was taken away from that foster home. (My legal child counseler talked to me about everything that happened and they deemed that I was okay and didn't need any more counseling.)

My third foster home, I was with a normal family, I had a foster brother and sister along with a foster mother and father. I learned to tie my shoes there. I was sad when I had to go.

My fourth foster home I lived with a really nice lady who made zuchini cake. I had a birthday there.

My fifth and last foster home is with my current mom and dad.

As for my mom, she has struggled with OCD all her life. It's the kind of OCD where you "feel something bad will happen if you don't do something right" so she has to "keep double-triple-quadruple check things," keep doing them, or do them "over and over until she feels she has done something right like when she washes her hands. If something happens she has to start washing her hands all over again and it takes about two minutes every wash.

My mother went to a psychological therapist/counseler, whom of which only told her to do things that weren't clean to get over her OCD like placing "a piece of gum on the ground, picking it back up, and chewing on it and not thinking a second thought or freaking out about it." Not even a normal person would be dirty or do dirty things like pick gum back up and chew on it after they dropped it on the ground, so she vowed that therapy wouldn't help her and never went back to a psychologist/counseler ever again for her OCD.

She wasn't too obsessive before, but after the doctors told her she had to wash everything or esle she would "get sick" because of her weakened immune system from chemotherapy, her and my dad started to clean everything.

They wash food packages that are bought from the store with vinegar. Then you have to wash your hands before touching it again before you open it or they deem it unclean. If you touch anything else that wasn't washed, and touch then touch that item again, they deem it uncleanly and you have to wash your hands then wash the package again.

It takes a long time for her get things done too, because of having to keep everything clean/double check everything.

My moms OCD may have something to do with my granmother dissaproving of their parenting skills. They blame my mom, and use her as a scape goat for all their problems with my parents claiming that she "controls my dad," and doesn't let "him do anything unless she approves of it." They say false things about my parents, and blame everything that ever happened between them and my parents on my mothers OCD.

One thing she blamed my parents of:

She said that my parents used to make me wash my hands so long that they got dry and bled. (I used to play in the soap bubbles for a long time and that's what made my hands dry and bleed a lot, but my parents gave me hand lotion because of it.)

As for my moms health and chemotherapy, her cancer came back again in the form of ovarian cancer in the brain. She had a golf ball sized brain tumor, and had to have brain surgery. Then she had pin-point radiation therapy to help shrink the tumors. A little later, they took another cat scan of her brain and she developed many more smaller tumors, about six of seven of them which they went back and she had more pinpoint radiation.

I don't know any other medical history from before I was with my parents.

[Michael18]

Rather, I don't know any other medical history (other than what I said) of my parents from before I was adopted by them.

[Wondergirl]

How is school for you? Do you do well? Do you get along with most of the other students? What about the teachers and you?

[Michael18]

I used to not have that many friends at the middle school and the beginning of high school. But now I have more friends so it's isn't that bad for me anymore in friend category. =]

I've always had a affinity with the adults. My teachers respect me and want to see me succed in life, they all think I'm a bright kid. But I do slack off just a little, so they want me work harder.

Most of the people at my school think that I'm cool because I'm a great artist and a great techno music producer. They love the music and art that I make.

I have about three friends that I hang out with that think I'm cool and share the same interests as me. 

There's another group of friends that I hang out with at lunch. It's the only group that I can hang out with at lunch that I feel comfortable with. They are nice to me but aren't that in touch with reality. One of the girls who practices the religion of Wicca claims that she is a witch. She reads a ton of sci-fi witch and vampire novels and is the head of her little possy of followers that have convinced themselves they have supernatural powers. They all talk about having past lives and somehow "knowing eachother in past lives." Most of them have gone too far to the extent of eating blood claiming that's the only way to "stay alive" and stay "powerful" (whether or not they actually do or just say they do). One of them is a wanna-be cutter who lightly slices their skin with razors... that person probably needs some psycholigical help. And another has convinced herself she isn't human at at all, she tells everyone that "humans are a disgusting race" and they would "feed on them and eat them all" if they could. I don't approve of that kind of behavior, but I can't do anything to stop them and their miniature 'cult.' I am going to not affiliate myself with them anymore.

[Michael18]

I'm not in the UK, I'm American. I live in the US. =]

[Wondergirl]

I'm not in the UK, I'm American. I live in the US. =]

As soon as I posted that, I saw your reference to "middle school" and realized you're in the States. Thus, I deleted my question. You seemed to be offline, and I acted pretty fast, but apparently you saw my question. :D

[Michael18]

Wow, lol. Ipod touches with their multitasking abilities and apps allow people to view their emails, surf the internet, and play games all at the same time at the 'speed of sound.' Thus I was able to reply that much faster than a regular laptop computer.