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211184 · May 17, 2011, 12:29 AM

Hi.. I am a 26 year old doctor doing post graduation , it so happened that I met a chartered accountant and fell in love with him.. we had decided that we would marry only if our parents agree. His mother didn't agree initially ,so we thought that's it we are leaving it but the day we broke up we started missing each other a lot.. he got engaged but broke his engagement cause he still loved me... he then convinced his family for me.. but now when he has come back there are problem s in my family that he s not a doctor ,does not belong to same caste and community.. I tried my level bast to convince my parents.. they did for my happiness.. but now my relatives have intruded and have started questioning my parents and are trying to change their mind.. my parents are finding it difficult to convince them... parents think every body should agree for my marriage... now should I break every thing for relatives, I cannot marry anybody but him... I got to be alone if not him. I am depressed right now... I feel suicidal.. I hope I can find some help from you guys...

Jake2008 · May 17, 2011, 06:03 AM

I am hoping that someone from your culture, will respond to your post and offer some suggestions as to what to do.

I am in Canada, and none of the problems you present don't happen here, as we are free to marry for a 'love' marriage, without regard to deep traditional, generational restrictions that you have to face.

From my perspective you are caught between two huge losses. Lose the one you love for the sake of your family, or lose the family for the sake of the man you love. While your parents may be on board now, they will face consequences as well depending on your choice.

And the result of all you are going through has left you suicidal. I urge you to seek counselling with a professional in some discipline, whether it be a religious person, or a Psychiatrist. You really need to talk through the problems you face, and come to some acceptance of the decision you will ultimately make.

I wish you all the luck in the world in finding peace with whatever decision you eventually make.

211184 · May 17, 2011, 08:17 AM

Thanks a lot for you suggestions, you true at the end it all depends on our choices.. and I am an indian , place where there are many obligations like caste , religions and regions play major in our lives and loving some one out of your caste is still considered a crime... I being a educated person ,still being questioned for liking some one out of your caste... I really need a psychaitrist.. I am planning to see one soon.. probably I can feel better then...

211184 · May 17, 2011, 08:24 AM

Jake I have one question if you could answer... is it possible to breakup with some one whom u love and move on in life... will sacrifice make you happy.. won't this kill u. I would be very thank full if you answer this question

Jake2008 · May 17, 2011, 09:30 AM

Originally Posted by 211184

jake i have one question if u could answer..........is it possible to breakup with some one whom u love and move on in life...... will sacrifice make u happy.. wont this kill u. i would be very thank full if u answer this question

There are so many relationships where, even when you love someone, breakups happen, and people do recover and move on. Many times it is infidelity, or substance abuse, or incompatibility in other areas such as communication, finances, child rearing, etc.

But, in your case where you love someone dearly, and it is not because of him that you would break up, but because of tradition and family expectations, where the family causes the breakup. Those circumstances are caused by reasons and decisions, not made by you, but by others.

The sacrifice that you speak of, is to maintain the integrity and expectations of your culture, and not cause any hardship, or rifts, within the family. That is quite a different sacrifice than you making the decision entirely on your own.

It is like you have one foot in the old world, and one foot in the new. I have Indian friends who have been in your position, but, they live in North America. And even at that, a close friend of mine is sent dossiers on prospective brides, and is expected to pick some, go home, make arrangements through the parents, meet, and then both families decide upon the terms of the marriage- if both sets of parents agree.

He explained it to me as a business arrangement, not typically what is traditional in a 'western' sense. As such, from the outside looking in, and realizing what he goes through, and how unhappy he is about it, it is an expectation that he cannot ignore. And he too is highly educated and well travelled, and very well knows the ins and outs of both a tradition in marriage, and what a 'love' marriage is. Sadly, love is not the preferred choice.

I think that is where you need the most help. It boils down to two choices. Marry for love, and be prepared for the consequences, or do not marry this man, and also be prepared for the aftermath. There are losses on both sides of the coin. Talking this out, face to face with someone familiar and understanding of the position you are in, will help tremendously I think. There may be solutions and suggestions that you have not thought of.

I hope you will post again after you have seen the Psychiatrist, and that you will feel empowered and confident to do what you need to do.

211184 · May 19, 2011, 01:49 AM

Thanks a lot jake,what you have told is right.. hope his system in india changes for good,true I got to see a psychaitrist,I got to find a solution to this problem...

211184 · May 19, 2011, 01:57 AM

Jake sorry if I am pestering and asking you too many questions.. but this would be the last.. would staying single for life be the solution for this problem... cause I am finanially independent, can't you as a human have a choice on that one at least?

Jake2008 · May 19, 2011, 06:26 AM

Staying single for the rest of your life, to avoid an arranged marriage, or to avoid a love marriage, for the problems with each that we've talked about, seems extreme. But, I do understand your point.

If you avoid both, you will be single. But that really isn't a choice for you either, it is a solution to avoid making a choice. If you could choose to marry the man you loved, you would not choose instead, to be single the rest of your life.

The question is more about consequence. If you go with an arranged marriage, to a man you do not love, you will wish you had remained single. If you go with a love marriage, much consideration has to be given to the consequences of that decision.

And then the point becomes, can you and the man you love, weather that storm?

I got the impression that, although a hard sell to your parents, they have agreed for you to marry the man you chose, but, the family is putting pressure on them. Can they weather that storm, and will the loyalty you have to your parents eventually make the arranged marriage, or the choice to stay single, seem more possible?

Only you can answer that, and I don't know enough about the consequences to you and your parents, should you marry the man you want to. It becomes a much bigger picture it seems, and much more to consider, in making any decision.

If you do make the choice to marry the man you love, can you describe what you think will happen. Will your parents and you (and your husband) be outcasts from your own family? Shunned? Will this be a temporary situation do you think?

What I'm getting at is to really think this all through, both with the decision you make, and with a reasonable expectation of the consequences. Try to decide if the consequences are worth it, and whether things will eventually return to normal.

Can you live with your choice, and accept that the man you love is more important than the people you need to convince to accept him. Step beyond the obvious stress you are under now, and consider what would happen, if you were to say, "I am marring the man I love, and that's it".

Perhaps the pressure is more before the decision is made (so that you won't marry him), and once it is made, they will back off?

I don't know if I'm in the ballpark here or not, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

211184 · May 19, 2011, 10:54 AM

You what you have asked me to consider.. the consequences of making choice s.. is giving me a fright.. I really don feel bad if any of my relatives are hurt by this, but I don want my parents to be hurt... they have been my every thing.probably that's why I am fearing making choices... and the guy I like is equally impotrant enough.. this makes things more worse.. and the question you have raised about consequences... let me tell you if I marry the guy I love I know I ll be happy for the rest of my life, problems I would face may be my family would stop talking to me for some period, ill be asked questions why I did this.. and I ll blamed for every thing.. u think its OK to face all this..

Jake2008 · May 19, 2011, 05:02 PM

If what you are saying is that it boils down to unrest in the family for a period, and you feel you can weather that storm, vs. not marrying at all, or, marrying someone not of your choosing, then you have just presented three options.

What if you were to have an old fashioned heart to heart talk with your mother, or your mother and father, and be honestly forthcoming about your concerns and worries. I am hoping that you can gain some confidence and guidance from them, and maybe even encouragement if you decide to marry the one you love.

I can honestly not tell you what you should do, nor can I reasonably say if I were in your shoes, what I would do. You are the best one to judge, after weighing all the pros and cons, and talking this through with your parents.

I do encourage you though to find someone to talk to face to face- the Psychiatrist you mentioned, or perhaps a trusted friend. Maybe the point of view of more than one person will help you make your deicison.

I wish this were easier for you.

211184 · May 19, 2011, 09:14 PM

Thanks jake for your info, I was busy with some work.. that's why couldn't talk to my parents.. may be you.. I am planning to talk to them once again to get their approval, probably I ll marry my love if I am destined to be , otherwise I ll be left to stay a loner for the rest of my life.. I have no choice... hey will let you know if things have worked.. thanks a lot once again:)