[xiomrod2009]

My ex husband and I started dating 4 years ago. We decided to try it again and ever since then we have lived together. We act as if we are married the only difference is that I don't have a ring on my finger. We got a divorce because unfortunately I cheated on him. I was 17 he was 22 and we were pregnant so it was all rushed and I wasn't mature enough to deal with being a mother and a wife while being a senior in High School.

The past is in the past because after we divirced he remarried like literally 2 days later and that relationship didn't last but a month. We got back together after I learned he was in the hospital and I went to see him. Seeing him brought back feelings of regret and at the time I had gotten my life back together. I never spoke to him about our divorce so I wrote him a letter explaining to him how I felt and that I was sorry for everything that happened. He showed up at my door that night and when I open the door he grabbed me and kissed me and said he missed me and we have been living together ever since.

Its now 4 years later we moved and got a bigger apartment and we literally act like a married couple normally would. He knows I want to get married and he promises we will soon that's all he says. He says what happened ended and he knows Im a chnaged person and that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. Friends and family tell me that he's not going to because he's comfortable the way things are and if I love him and don't want to loose him I should stay and deal with it or just go. I don't know what to do I offered counseling but he says there is no problem. I get angry because he says I am his wife to everyone but we really aren't married and it just feels like he's taking all this for granted.

Should I wait for him to decide he is ready or should I just go?

[Wondergirl]

You are a wife to him in every way except for having that legal piece of paper. That old expression is true: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Will he ever be "ready"? Can you "just go"?

[mmresd]

What is the problem, not only does he treat you as a wife and you treat him as your husband, but he also tells his friends that you are his wife? Like Wondergirl said, is it that piece of paper that you are after? Stop putting so much stress on it and enjoy your life with your husband, plus if you file taxes together 2 years in a row as married you are officially married in the United States. It isn't that important, focus on how to improve your relationship with him even further rather than allowing small details to bother you so much.

Good Luck,
Javi

[Wondergirl]

Although, "those small details" really are important legally and medically. There a long lists of things you cannot do because the two of you are not married.

As for what "that piece of paper" conveys --

"There are a plethora of benefits involved in the traditional marriage arrangement. Filing joint tax returns is only the beginning. Other benefits are estate planning, i.e. the ability to inherit a share of your spouse's estate or being able to set up certain life trust accounts that are restricted to married couples; government benefits such as social security and military pensions; employment benefits, such as obtaining health and other benefits through your spouse's employer, being able to take the Family Medical Leave Act to care for a sick spouse, and being paid for bereavement if a spouse or their close relative dies; having the ability to make medical decisions for your spouse should he or she become unable; family benefits such as stepparent adoption and alimony in the case of divorce; legal protections such as receiving crime victim payments if your spouse is the victim of a crime; and visiting rights in institutions [e.g. hospitals] where that privileged is extended only to family members. These are just a small sampling of benefits available to married partners that unmarried partners are not privy to."

[Wondergirl]

if you file taxes together 2 years in a row as married you are officially married in the United States.

How do you know this? My sources say: According to the IRS, unmarried couples may not file joint tax returns. The IRS considers you married if you are married and living together, unmarried but living in a "common law marriage" state or separated but not yet divorced.

Also --

"Couples who are unmarried cannot file joint returns." (eHow)

[mmresd]

Sure they can, at least in Texas. I do taxes on a daily basis whenever tax season is in progress. I have also taken several seminars along with tax classes. If you file taxes together for 2 or more years for you to stop you need to provide a "divorce" to the IRS. That is where common law marriage goes into play. For example, my girl just move in with me, I could very well file my taxes joint with her for whatever the reason may be, however, if I file two years in a row then the third year will be expected to be filed jointly, if not, IRS may go in and review why it is that this "common law married" couple are not longer filing together. Filing in other states may change, I have no knowledge of that, and laws with taxes change with time but you are allowed to file taxes jointly with someone just until this tax season.

Good Luck,
Javi

[DoulaLC]

As was said, there is more to marriage for many people than a piece of paper.
While it is fairly easy in Texas, the way to obtain a common law marriage is not the same throughout the US. Filing joint tax returns is only part of it.

Xiomrod... if you want to be married, and he doesn't want to, than you have two choices. Continue as you are, or leave. Only you can decide if what you have is enough or if you feel there is something more that you aren't going to have with this relationship.

It could very well be turned around. Why doesn't he marry you tomorrow? He loves you, he treats you as his wife, he knows it is important to you. There must be some reason that he is not comfortable with the idea. Perhaps he feels it is important to have an easier out if it were to become necessary again. It may not even be a conscious decision on his part.

[talaniman]

After 4 years you still have not learned that impulsive behavior has great consequences? Talk it out until you both agree on a strategy to move forward, or split!

Or what's the whole point of this exercise??

[Athos]

"Couples who are unmarried cannot file joint returns." (eHow)

Sure they can, at least in Texas.

No they can't.

As Wondergirl noted, to file a joint tax return, you must be married.

[Wondergirl]

IRS: You are considered married for the whole year if on the last day of your tax year you and your spouse meet any one of the following tests.

1. You are married and living together as husband and wife.
2. You are living together in a common law marriage that is recognized in the state where you now live or in the state where the common law marriage began.
3. You are married and living apart, but not legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate maintenance.
4. You are separated under an interlocutory (not final) decree of divorce. For purposes of filing a joint return, you are not considered divorced.

Texas: calls it an "informal marriage," rather than a common-law marriage. Under § 2.401 of the Texas Family Code, an informal marriage can be established either by declaration (registering at the county courthouse without having a ceremony), or by meeting a three-prong test showing evidence of (1) an agreement to be married; (2) cohabitation in Texas; and (3) representation to others that the parties are married. A 1995 update adds an evidentiary presumption that there was no marriage if no suit for proof of marriage is filed within two years of the date the parties separated and ceased living together.

[xiomrod2009]

I'm not sure where the comments about taxes came from I did not mention anything like that but for the record we file separately and alternate the kids as dependents not that that matters.

[DoulaLC]

Maybe set a time to discuss it with him. Time when there are no interruptions. Share your reasons for wanting to be married. Find out his reasons for why he isn't interested. Perhaps he has reasons for not wanting to be married.

You may end up agreeing on a time frame, you may find it just isn't a priority for him. His comment about there being no problem is only from his point of view. He is not taking into account what you feel about the topic. If one of the partners in a relationship has concerns, it becomes an issue for both people as it effects the relationship.

Again, if he doesn't feel the need for it, or has strong feelings about not getting married, but you feel strongly about it, you are going to have to make a decision.

[Wondergirl]

im not sure where the comments about taxes came from i did not mention anything like that but for the record we file seperately and alternate the kids as dependents not that that matters.

mmresd had said: "plus if you file taxes together 2 years in a row as married you are officially married in the United States."

This is not correct except maybe in Texas, sort of maybe.

[talaniman]

Just curious, why is marriage such a big deal to you now, after 4 years? Why would you break up the family if you don't get the ring and paper? What's to be gained?