[Silver Lining]

Hi all

I am married for almost 5 years now. Since the beginning, my mother in law (MIL) was against our relationship. During the 1st few years, I thought it is my duty to get adjusted to her way of life. I did everything that would please her. Still I felt she didn't like me. Since my hubby n I got married within a few weeks after he joined work, we never got a chance to do any savings. We struggled a lot due to recession and very low salary. It was hard to support ourself. Still I got pregnant, just so I can please my MIL. Supporting a child was hard, but we got through that phase. Now my hubby earns enough. With his 1st huge savings, he got me a diamond necklace. This was enough to make my MIL mad. Ever since the necklace, she is very rude towards me n my baby. She taunts me in public, mixes water with the milk I keep to feed my baby, ignores everything I say, insults me whenever possible... she even said to my hubby that he should buy everything for me n not her(immediately after looking at the necklace).
I do everything that I hate, to please her,, I hate sari, I hate wearing too much gold, I hate having flower on my head, I hate long hair, I hate sweet food, I hate wearing bangles, but I do everything for her,, n I quit what I loved to do, because she found it to be masculine n a daughter in law has to be feminine.
I begged my hubby to give that necklace to her. But he says its all in my mind and that his mother has never said or done anything to hurt me.
to add to this, hubby n I planned to buy a house. We needed X amount as registration, which we fell short of. At 1st, my in laws agreed to help us. We promised to pay bac within a year. And then, at the time of payment, my MIL said she purchased a piece of land for her daughter with that money. Her daughter is filthy rich by the way, but pretends to be in a lot of trouble. She is taking every opportunity to take as much money from my in laws as possible, and being successful. I tried telling my hubby that she is cheating on his parents, but he himself is a fool and trusts her. He says she is in a lot of trouble. She purchased gold, a house, now land, everything from my inlaws money.

tell me, what should I do?

[JudyKayTee]

Where are you?

[SweetDee]

I hear you're upset and I understand that you are feeling very aggrivated and frustrated. I think that all these situations that happen between you and your MIL need to stop, however you don't have control over what she does or how she reacts toward you. I can say the same about your sister in law... you can't control what she does and how she acts either. In cases like this it's best to DECIDE and to CHOOSE to focus on what you CAN control... The only thing you can control is how you react to the behaviors of unsavory people around you. You have to let it go... You can't continue to feel bad. Quality of life has to be good and the only way to make that happen is if you decide that it's all not worth it to you anymore and just shut the door to your anger and frustration and learn to forgive your MIL and SIN (sister in law). Forgiving does not mean that you allow them to be mean to you and accept it. It means that you understand that they can't do any better and this is the best they have to offer... and it's not personal, it's just that this is how they manage life. Don't allow their jealousies or judgements to interfere with your day to day life, especially with the way you raise your child (and how you want to feed him).

It sounds to me like you might be from another culture than myself. I'm Canadian. Are you Indian perhaps? There are a lot of cultures that keep their family members close, ie: having the in laws come and live with them in one home. You need to keep the peace this is for sure, but it's harder on you if you take everything so to heart as you are. You sound sensitive and people like this have a harder time living amongst those that like to criticize and control.

My sister has a lot of the same scenarios going on in her life as you do. She is married to a man that was not well liked in our family, unfortunately. The way she managed it was to focus her attention on her two kids and put her foot down on how she decided to raise them. When they were with the in laws she decided to let them feed her kids and play with them their way... knowing full well that when the kids were with her and her husband the rules would go back to the way they prefer them. It's okay to let your in laws have their own relationship with your child. Unless it's affecting his health... She has a sister in law as well and she doesn't involve herself in any of her drama. She enjoy hearing about it, but she keeps her opinions to herself because otherwise there would be conflict. Why bother?

Your focus needs to be rerouted toward a positive and relaxed quality of life. Life is hard enough and since this IS something you can control then I think it's worth a try. Enjoy your pretty necklace and forget what your MIL has to say. She can't control how you feel unless you let her. Giving her the POWER to make you feel ANYTHING is not worth it, unless it makes you feel good and warms your heart. If she's going to be negative then that's the best she can do and that's sad for HER, but those don't have to be YOUR FEELINGS.

There are negative people all over the place in our lives. They can suck the air right out of a room! I used to let negative people affect me by letting them hurt me by letting their judgement change the way I felt about myself. Those days are LONG GONE, thankfully. I learned to see them more clearly. People like that are unhappy and they want to spread their misery around... Work on being as happy in your personal life as possible and whatever negative people say to you just take it for what it's worth, knowing full well that people like that rarely have anything positive to add to your day. It's not ABOUT YOU when they're misbehaving (or judging you). They're just unhappy.

"If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing"... This is a coined expression that I live by. I raise my child with this.

Perhaps if you can get to a book store or library... picking up a self help book on this subject matter could be empowering. If you are more inclined to find information on line then go about it this way... If you can write down some empowering passages that you can keep and use as a reference for one of those rainy days where you need some strength and reminding... it would be useful. If you don't want to keep this kind of evidence around the house, I understand. Just perhaps visit this site more often and share with us and maybe one of us can give you some advice that you can sink your teeth into lol. :)

I hope this has been helpful. Take care...

[Silver Lining]

@Judykaytee, I am an Indian
@Sweetdee, thank you,, you were very helpful,, I actually ignore every time she insults me or taunts me. But I can't control my emotions when it comes to my daughter. I am fortunate that I stay 10 hours from my in-laws and need to deal with them once a month only. But what hurts me most is to see others being loved so much by their in-laws. I had a very very bad childhood. My dad was very abusive towards me and mom. I hardly keep in touch with dad. Since I don't talk to him much, I don't get to see mom often. I feel I don't have a family.