[muffin55]

I'm 26, I've had serious problems getting along with my mom growing up until a few years ago when she mellowed out. She's had a mean streak- judging, unforgiving, dismissive, etc. We had been getting along well to the point it felt like I could really talk to her about myself, relationship stuff, etc. I disclosed to her that I decided to send a closure email to my ex of 7 years who I broke up with last year- this email really helped ME and it was kind and it's okay whatever the outcome because it's what I needed. I felt so good that I wanted to share with her, so I called and she basically responded with... well why would you do that? That was a mistake! He'll never resond. That was a bad idea.

I haven't been this reactively upset in a long time, I'm just sobbing and I hate her right now. She will never change. I actually thought she had learned to be kind and supportive as a mother, but she's still a cold *****. She doesn't deserve to knoe ANYTHING deep about me or about relationship stuff. She's never understood me, she's always more in line with my brothers and it has always hurt me. I will never talk to her about these topics again, she has proven herself underserving and that's the LAST TIME I am putting myself in that position for her to shoot me down.

[redhed35]

As regards the email to your ex, she had a point, although I understand you did it for you, she may have been thinking along the lines of if you were hoping for a response you would get hurt, and once its over its over, why go backwards.

As regards your relationship with her, this was a big deal for you, perhaps she views your relationship with her in a different light, she may see you as strong and not needing her advice, where as she may see your brothers as needing guidance.

Now that you started to open the lines of communication why not try and keep it going, its going to take time to make a strong connection to her, her view on life and relationships may be worlds apart from yours, but her perspective on it may give you food for thought.

Instead of writing off your relationship with your mother, why not try to find common ground, a shared interest.

There are things I would never discuss with my own mother, relationships, money etc due to past conflicts, so we just don't discuss them, but there are plenty of things that we talk about.

You say that was the last time you would put yourself in that position, that's fine, that's your choice, but it does not have to mean the end of healing the relationship with your mother.

[dontknownuthin]

Sometimes we have an idea of what we need from other people, and we are mad or hurt when they give us something different. I don't think your mother's respose was meant to be hurtful - she was trying to teach you and protect you, which has been her role all your life. She thought you should have left it alone, and that was an honest response.

Point being - you may need for someone else in your life to be your soft place to fall, if your mom is practical and teaching, rather than a supportive listener. When we accept that we can only get what others can give, and we broaden the relationships we have with others, it becomes a lot easier to appreciate everyone.

I think what you needed was reasonable and appropriate, but your mom was not the person who can provide it. What she had to offer still had value, but was not what you wanted to hear. It can be helpful to get rid of ideas of what your Mom should be, how she should react and value how she is, and does react, and if it is not what you need, consider who else you can lean on for the support you need. Do you have a friend, or cousin, or aunt or coworker who is better at just listening and validating? That might be who you should go to next time.

[SweetDee]

I think sending a "closure letter" for you was a fantastic idea! Don't let anyone tell you differently. The whole point of it was for you... You did good. <3 You're allowed to do the things that you need to make you feel better regarless of anyone's opinion! Try your hardest to ignore bad opinions... even on this site.

I feel your upset because you're a sensitive person and you want so badly for your mom to be there for you and have your back. You believe in UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. When (or if... ) you ever have kids of your own you will be that kind of mom, I'm sure. You're mom will never be 100% in it to win it with you. She may even be trying reallyyyyy hard and this is the best she can do. You have to try and see it that way. I'm sure she loves you but still manages to fall a little short in the support category. Some people can't do any better no matter how much they love you.

I understand you want to build walls around your heart when it comes to sharing your deepest feelings with your mom. You feel judged instead of hugged and nurtured when you're down and out. Maybe she isn't the best person to share with in those moments... I wish for you that she was, but perhaps you can confide in a bffl instead. It sucks that it has to be that way, but you're having deep feelings about how she responds to you and you matter... Maybe you can find less emotional things to confide in her with instead so this way you can still share, but not get hurt.

She sounds very opinioned. She also sounds like she likes to get her opinion out there regarless of whether it might contradict your feelings. Remember that she's the only mother you have... and even tho' she's not perfect (no one is!) she's still loves you and is probably doing the best she can. Try accepting her as she is and forgoing a super deep relationship and opt more for a carefree one. Doesn't mean you can't still confide in her... just not on the deep stuff.

Just my two cents! :) xxx

[dontknownuthin]

It can be helpful to accept that while it sounds like your mom does love you unconditionally, her delivery of that love isn't always going to be what you need... we all have limits to how much we can fulfill the needs of others, even our children.