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if he said so
There was my ex who completely made me fall in love 6 years ago. He used all his efforts, time, and charm, and drove 60 miles each way to see me every weekend in the beautiful summer.
However, once we developed strong love for each other, he suddenly became distant, and frustrated for almost anything without clear reason. It seemed he changed his personality over night. So, I became quite, quite miserable for months, and reached the point that I could not stand any longer between my demanding job and the erotic boyfriend. On a Friday, I lied him I would be with my girl friend for over weekend, but actually rested at home by myself without him. Guess what, he found it out, and was furious. This incident made him not trust me, and the relationship went to downhill from here. He was very depressed, easily upset, changed his mood unpredictably. I started to suffer for no reason. After long and painful months, I finally made up my mind, broke up with him over the phone officially. He fully accepted it, but returned the Christmas gift I gave to him to demonstrate his anger. (In fact, it was very generous and precious gift for him, and I sincerely asked him to keep it.) Well, I really loved this man, and secretly wanted to marry him one day. Thus, the breakup hurt me very badly, and I could not eat, sleep or even breathe properly for a whole week. In fact, both of us were in mess. He randomly initiated calls, and emails anytime morning to night, wanted to meet me in person, wanted to know if I was with someone else. Every holiday and our anniversary, he called me religiously for almost 4 years, updated me with where he was, what was up to. He updated every small or major changes in his life, new apartment, new job, and even his cold & fever. Yes, of course, we gave in to our feeling against our head, and met in person with urge just like we did for our 1st date, started relationship again for months or weeks. But my heart says, something is not right, and I (or we mutually) ended it after for a while. Eventually, 2 years ago, I moved to another state, met a wonderful & emotionally stable man, and married and moved on. So, for the past 2 years, we were totally off track. A week ago, he suddenly sent me an email, and asked me how I was doing. I wanted to be upfront with him, wrote back and said I have been happily married to a good man. I casually asked him how he was doing. He immediately replied me back. Well, he said about 5 years ago, he found out he had an incurable illness, and since then he has been trying to deal with his sadness and anger, while tried to find out the cure. After for a while, he gave in, moved to a foreign country, lived there for the past 2 years to work for a nonprofit organization. He said he wanted to finish his life there, but he recently changed his attitude, found some hope, and returned home a couple months ago. On his email, he decided not to marry, since he did not want to be a burden to anyone. Now, I finally figured out why he acted so badly when we were together... I gathered some information in my side, and found out that what he said was true, and he has been seriously sick. He has quit his job, and works home between suffering & treatment. Well, as you can imagine, it makes my heart achy, and very guilty. I am constantly thinking about his illness. My defense is I did not know his illness, so I was not supportive when he was so erotic & unreasonable. Only If I knew his situation, I would marry and take care of him whatever it takes. Only if I knew what was going on with him, I would not write such an email to advertise my happy marriage a week ago I must broke his heart again I know I should not contact him, and I will not do, because it will not be fair for my innocent husband. My marriage is solid, and I wouldn't do anything behind of my husband. My best friend told me that if my ex really loved & trusted me, he would/should share his illness with me to deal with it together. I do not know what to think of anymore. He has kept the secret for long time, and why does he let me know now? Is it because I said I was married? Is he expecting to end his life soon? In my understanding, he has multiple years to live more. He is looking forward a major surgery for last hope. I am in emotional turmoil. |
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There's nothing you could or should do. If he had valued your relationship back then, he would have told you what he was dealing with and let you make up your own mind. As it is, he didn't, and it's too late now. He has his life to lead, and you have yours. Don't feel guilt, you have no reason to. He wasn't the right guy for you then, and I doubt that the illness was the only reason. Concentrate on your marriage. You can pray that he gets better, wish him the best, but you shouldn't let him inject himself back into your life just because you feel bad for him. |
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You both went your separate ways a long while back. And his emotional turmoil for whatever reason, was the reason for parting. You've both moved on.. there should be no turmoil. You have closure. Think yourself lucky, not many people have the opportunity to gain closure after such a long period. But now its time for you to move on emotionally and for him to deal with what he has to deal with. Don't get involved.. it will destroy your marriage. |
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The relationship was built on lies by you both, and never had a chance. Things might have been different but you will never know now, but what you do know is you both have lives that you must live for better or worse without each other. End this contact, and deal with the pain his finally coming clean has caused you. Like you said, its not fair to your husband for you to carry his burden. Pray for a sick friend, but take no action. Nothing you can do, nor should do. Maybe this should be shared with that husband, so he can understand, and give you support. |
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Thank you so much for your advice.
The relationship was built on lies by you both, and never had a chanceť This is not true at least in the beginning. We had very strong attraction, huge sparks from the first date, and we spent time together morning to night to build our relationship for over 6 month. We were so much in love and happy. By the time, I noticed he fell in sleep in day time, looked tired, and lost weight, but did not think it was something serious. I blamed our intensive love making. The story is, on the 6th month mark, he saw a doctor by himself, went through multiple tests, and officially diagnosed. He was very shocked, sad and angry, and why me? What did I do to get this incurable disease status. So, he totally started to hate himself & the whole world, and started to sabotage. He was sleepless, confused, and angry. We had a vacation plan to go oversea, and he cancelled it and said he was busy. I have to assume he cancelled it to save the vacation money for his medication. I did not complain much for the cancellation, but told him you have something in your mind lately, and please open up to me many times in the period, but he stayed as closed. In fact, the more asked, the more I made him closed. He never shared his illness with anyone. That was the issue. He sometimes failed to make love to me, and he felt so bad about it in the period too, and I tried to stay in low-key not to give him any pressure. Deep inside though, I was wondering if I did anything wrong turned him off, or he changed his heart for some reason, and confused by myself too. It was very odd situation where I was not sure what to do make us happy again. I had no idea and even I tried the sexy nightgown show for him, but of course it did not work. I was clueless. It was just a sad story. He sent me another email with his personal website link lately. This is not a social networking, but basically medical diary which shows his daily symptoms, pains (emotional and physical), progresses or his insight for past years. I learned he is taking medication 6 times a day to maintain his level for now, suffering deep depression, and planning to get a major surgery soon. I asked him to open up years ago, and he is opening up now completely. Why now, not before? I feel so bad for him. I do not know what to do. |
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The same way you were not honest about needing your weekends to rest from this fellow, is the same way you are not honest with yourself or your husband. I read this post twice, he lied, you lied. So it didn't work. I understand your fear of talking to your husband about this matter, but presuming his pride would be hurt, WHY would it? Because your ex contacted you, found out you are married, and he is really sick, and you are worried. How is that an affront to his pride? Sounds like more dishonesty to me and as a husband, I would want to know what my wife was stressing about, so I would understand her moods and she didn't have to suffer in silence or alone, or sneak to get updates to her exes medical status. Just as he shut you out of the truth, by not being honest, so you are doing to your husband. That's just my opinion, unless you are hiding something else, then I can understand why your fear, but the past mistakes are what teach us what not to do again. Omission of the truth, is the same as lying, and basing decisions on half truths and omission, is a symptom of fear. It seems fears is making decisions for you, and it should be facts. Stay off his website, and stop getting updates that are feeding your fear and anxiety. This will affect your marriage, trying to keep this inside you, and distract you greatly. Pray from a safe distance, and listen carefully. SECRETS kept will come back when you least expect it, and bite you in the butt. Face your fears, and deal with them in a positive way, and let the truth set you free. Don't let this drama and intrigue, and emotional upheaval come into your marriage! What you think your husband won't know something is distracting, and affecting his own wife??? Guess again, and put his need, and yours, before your concerns for an ex. Give it thought. |
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Sigh, it is harsh, but it is true. I am glad I shared my inner stress in this forum.
I have broken up with my ex for 4 years, not seen him for over 2.5 years in person, and I met my husband 2 years ago. I have been faithful to my husband emotionally or physically. I have given all my passions and thoughts to my husband since we met, and we are happily married. We have no headaches or issues in our marriage, and my husband takes me out 2-3 times a week for dinner or simple fun stuff. We have a lot of fun every weekend too. He is simply my good husband I want to get old together. What I meant by my husband's pride is, if I show sad face from now on for anything, my husband may think I still have feelings for my ex, and ruin his feelings toward me. I know men can be very jealous too over little things. No men will be happy if his wife is still under influence of ex either good or bad. Right? This recent email from my ex, indeed blew me unexpectedly, I have been very sorry about what happened and depressed. I do not think I will ever see my ex in person in future though. Omission of truth is also lying. It is true, and well said. I should open up to my husband and share my inner stress. (My ex failed to open up, so he lost me. I should open up not to lose trust from my husband.) It should save me suffering in silence and building secrets from my husband. I am not good at keeping secrets, and I feel like exploding by the way now. Thank you for wise advice. I will update you how the conversation went with husband later on. |
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It sounds like you had a very intense relationship and were truly in love with your ex. But there was/is a reason why he IS your ex. He became unreasonable and did not treat you right. There is NO reason why he should be mad at you for wanting to take a day off from seeing him. Everyone needs a little alone time.
No. I do not believe that you should feel guilty at all. The relationship ended. You had beautiful times, great memories, but it came to an end for a reason. You moved on. Period. That is good. That is emotionally healthy. I recommend that you talk to your husband about this. There is nothing to be ashamed of in answering his email and telling him that you're happily married. That's a wonderful thing. Talk to your husband about it. He loves you and is your friend. He will help you deal with this. Best of luck! |
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You are in a tough spot.
If you betrayed his trust and made your words have no value, then you have made your own bed, and now it hurts to sleep in it, and it will be like that in any relationship. You have your life to live and he has his, leave him with his illness because that is HIS issue, not yours. And you have a family to care for, he is a big boy, and can take care of himself. Stop contact before you create more turmoil in your life and tend to your husband, the other guy will find his way all by himself. Good Luck, Javi |
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My husband is coming back from biz trip tonight. I am home sitting alone, waiting my husband, and start to think again.
When I moved to another state 2 years ago, I deleted all the love notes & emails, or photos I exchanged with my ex. So, I do not have any of those, and it was very helpful to forget him & move on. By the way, I found a day planner of the year in the closet. There was my hand writing “6 calls all night long” next to the Sunday. Yes, that was the night. My ex was furious because I spent the weekend alone without him, he called me & woke me up 6 times, and took me to the guilt trip all night long. I remember I was very exhausted (no sleep & a lot of crying), and not functioning at all next day at work. He continued to call from his house & punished me every night. By Friday, I made a minor car accident, and he finally stopped his razor sharp criticism, told me he loved me. What he did was, he poured all his anger into me to punish more than I deserved. I was his punch back under the name of love. I am not sure if I would take it differently if I knew he was sick. Does a seriously sick person get all the rights to hurt his loved one? I do not think so. It was wrong. I just think that I had no choice but I needed to breakup from the angry man to save myself (or at least to get some sleep) eventually. AND why wouldn't he confess his illness when I apologized with tears day after day to make it up to him in the period? I was so humble and asking his love & approval again helplessly. Why? What stopped him really? When I cried he cried over the phone too, but never mentioned his illness. Why? I really do not know. All the memories make my blood pressure raising and head spinning again. My ex was always dominant in our relationship. Even now, he is pulling all my nerves from someplace else. I really think I should talk to my husband about this not to be pulled by my ex's spell again. Since my ex is seriously sick, he has more power than ever over me, easily can create tragedy if I let him. I am married, and I have nothing to offer to my ex anyway. I am looking forward to see my husband and talk about the whole thing. My husband never treats me like my ex did. Whenever I am mad (most of time by my misunderstanding), my husband lowers his voice and explains A to Z patiently until I understand & smile again. I think that is the big difference between my ex and my husband. My ex made me “intensively in love but suffering”, but my husband makes me “simply happy without heart wrenching drama”. |
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Comment on mmresd's post
Yes, he is a grown man with so much pride, he should find his way as he decided without me. I think it is useless to think about "what if" years later. I am married, and I am not in a position to think about "what if" even. Thanks for your input.
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So, I fixed a special dinner for husband to greet his return from trip. Over the dinner, I casually told him the story that my ex recently emailed, I updated him with my marriage, but his side story was quite sad, he has been seriously ill & gave up even future marriage to anyone so on.
My husband was happy to hear that I was upfront with him and told I was happily marriedť, but felt so sorry for a young man suffering out there so much by the illness. He wanted to see the email from ex, and after read the sad story, he suggested to reply together. So, we wrote an email to my ex together. We put a lot of encouraging word & prayers for him and wished the best luck, signed our names as Mrs. & Mr. My husband told me feel free to email him if it is needed since my ex is very sick, but I should always cc my husband, so he can be updated, my ex will know his boundaries, and will not have any false hope from me. My husband took it as very easy, and now I can freely discuss about my guilty feelings & stresses with my husband. That's why I love my husband. My husband and I keep our laptops open for each other, we can see each others email anytime. I feel much relieved by the fact I do not have to hide anything from my husband. We talked about the issues in the past relationship with my ex for hours until 2 am. My husband told me that it is normal for a man to be crazy over sudden illness, and I should forgive (!) him even though he gave me so much pain during the relationship, because he was not in the shape of having someone, and he must be in crisis. My husbands simple word comforted me in a big deal. While my ex is suffering & dying at someplace else, we comfortably snuggled in warm bed, and slept through. It sounds so harsh and odd, but that is what it is now. I always wanted my ex to be happy. When I broke up with ex, I thought I was short for him, I could not make him happy, and gave up. It was not the case at all, but this closure did not make me relieved either, but made me feel even worse. What a tragedy... It would be much nicer if he was healthy & happily married to someone else. I feel so sorry for him. I am glad I dod not create a dark secret from my husband over my ex's illness, but opend up. Thanks, all. |
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