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mistycal80 · Apr 26, 2011, 03:34 PM

I have been reading the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. Its an excellent book but I can't come to a decision. I need help knowing what's the best thing to do. Here is my situation:

I have been friends with my husband since I was a freshman in High School. I had a huge crush on him and he never seemed to want anything more than friends. Than he went off to college and we hooked up through a mutual friend but only a couple times. He blew me off once again and we didn't talk for a long time. When he graduated college and came back home I had just left a guy I was with almost since the fling with my husband. We were about to be engaged but he was mentally cruel to me. So once I moved back home I ran into my husband once again and we started hanging out and then dating. I moved in with him 10 years ago and married him 6 years ago. I was 25 when we got married so I had time to have fun and go out etc. 3 months after our wedding my sister killed herself and that was really tough. He had been there for me but at the same time always made it sound like he was pretty much telling me to "get over it". I have had issues with his family in this time also. His mom never liked me from the beginning. She would call me the town slut etc (which I have never done anything to deserve that, Ive always been serious with guys I dated). Then after my sister died one of his sisters didn't even come to the funeral because she was partying with friends. Yet her fiancé was there for me and my family. Then through out the years his sisters (he comes from lots of money, I come from a single parent home and no money) would be mean to me and rub things into me on different matters like clothes, the fact that they look good cause they can get their hair, nails, etc done whenever they want. We have also been battling infertility the entire marriage. We know its me because I don't ovulate at all. We have spent a lot of money and had a lot of failed attempts. We are saving up for IVF but he never seems to actually want to spend the money once we get close to being able to do it. I would rather just take out a loan. Anyway one of his sisters got cancer a little over 2 years ago. It was a tough time and all through it I tried to do all I could to be there because I know what its like to lose a sister. Things were OK. Then she went into remission and his youngest sister was going to get married. I did all I could to help out with anything needed etc for that. I was at a nascar race with his family and mine and she called sad that she was missing the race and we had her extra ticket but she was stuck in FL. Well I offered to go pick her up quick from the airport as long as she came the night before the cup race even though it meant leaving my parents with my husband. His mom and other sister went with me and it was a good day until she threw a fit because I wouldn't let her brand new puppy stay in my house without a kennel. I even gave her the kennel of my dog. I had brand new carpeting. Well it was a huge fight and they were all attacking me. My husband said no also but they didn't care. He never stood up for me the next day when his mother attacked me in front of all our family and friends accusing me of being very rude and mean to her girls and she said that I don't treat my husband with respect because I downgraded his family. It was so hurtful because that's my house and I don't ask a thing out of any of them. I ignored it and some time passed. The fiancé broke things off with his youngest sister because she's controlling and spoiled. Not even a month or 2 later she got pregnant by her new boyfriend. She rubbed the entire pregnancy in my face knowing how bad I hurt about not getting pregnant. Then a few months before his other sisters 1 year remission she got her cancer back. I sucked up everything and once again tried to be his rock. She is now coming up to her 1 year remission again. Thank god! But this whole 6 years of marriage has been one bad thing after another. The entire time he has not wanted me to make friends (we live over 2 hours from our families), he has controlled every little thing I do and I only get a small allowance out of our money, he has said very hurtful things to me, and out of 6 years of marriage I have only heard "I love you" about 6 to 8 times. Usually during the rough times. He was never very affectionate. I told him 2 months ago that I was confused and hurt and tired of the controlling and the hurt etc. He said "you can leave anytime you want but at 31 no guy will want u especially since you can't have babies". He also used to tell me every time he drank that I should just leave because I can't give him the one thing he wants, a baby. Im not an overweight girl and I get told a lot that I look much younger than I am. So the last 3 or 4 weeks I have rebelled. Ive been going to the bars with friends and have not bought a single drink myself. I have been hit on left and right. It has made me feel so good about myself. I love him and would miss him but at the same time I feel like I deserve a new and better life. Here's where I am confused/scared... I am scared at 31 it will be hard to find love again. I am afraid to be lonely (not alone, just lonely). Im scared to go from having a beautiful house and 2 amazing dogs along with a cushy lifestyle since he makes good money, to having to live on my very small wages and possibly having to give up one of my 2 dogs because of his size. I don't mind living without a lot of money because I grew up that way. Im scared I will miss my house and my possessions. Im scared that other guys will not be willing to pay the $20,000 it will cost me to have a baby if we get to that serious part. Or I can be happy not having kids but can the next guy I find be happy without? I would want to go out on the weekends to meet people but I don't want to look like some girl who is so super lonely all she has is the bar scene. Im scared about making new friends because the ones I have are married and have kids or single with kids. They go out every great while but Id be on my own most the time. I have this guy who has said he likes me and wants me to divorce but Ive been warned not to get into anything with him because he's a player. I am so confused and really need some advice on which way to go. I feel like Im only staying with my husband because I don't want to miss the house, the money, the Caribbean vacations, the chance to be a mom, the companionship even though he's not good company, and because I have fears. He used to pick ps3 and sports over me. He haven't done a date out to anything since before we were married until a week ago. Because now that I said Im wanting out he is trying to make a million changes. Except that he still wants to give me an allowance and he said I can not have nights out with friends. Which means he will still control me. Please everyone give me advice on what you think or what you have experienced. I am going to counseling but he won't until I am fixed. Once a counselor fixes me than he said he would think about marriage counseling. He says I should stop hating his family and give them a chance because they have gave us money when we needed it for a ruptured hot water heater and other emergencies. They have also spent lots of money one me for Christmas, etc. Well I am grateful for that stuff but at the same time that was done for him not me. Its because they love him. It doesn't mean they like me. Im so hurt and frustrated that I don't even have an attraction to him anymore. HELP! Thanks in advance.

JudyKayTee · Apr 26, 2011, 05:08 PM

This is far too long to read and digest. The end of it, however ("... he won't [go to counseling] until I am fixed" ... "Once a counselor fixes me... " leads me to believe you are in this relationship by yourself. Counsellors don't "fix" people for starters.

If you spent this much time typing all of this out I think you're ready to leave.

mistycal80 · Apr 26, 2011, 05:33 PM

So sorry this is so long! I didn't realize how much I just had to get out, its all so sad to see once I looked back at it. Thanks again for any comments I do get and if you don't because it was so long I am so sorry but thanks for at least attempting it :)

JudyKayTee · Apr 26, 2011, 05:59 PM

I think this is one of those cases where you print it all out, read it - and then you KNOW what you need to do.

And getting it out is helpful, puts things in perspective.

I think you are in your relationship by yourself.

Wondergirl · Apr 26, 2011, 07:35 PM

I read it all. I'm an educator and a writer. You write very well. A few paragraph breaks would have been a good idea. :)

I have a single, never-married, super-nice-guy 35 y/o son who would give his eyeteeth to meet someone like you. And he wouldn't care that you couldn't have a baby. There's always adoption or fostering or even just working with kids in all sorts of ways.

You are not appreciated. Oh, and I'm a counselor. You are not the one who needs to be "fixed." I'd even help you find a way to keep both dogs.

My vote: leave.

mulattomama · May 24, 2011, 10:49 AM

You know what you need to do and now you just need to take the leap and do it. Life may be scary at first and there are a lot of new things that will be on the horizon, but you are young and life is way to short to be wasted on a 'safe' relationship that doesn't fulfill you. There are men out there that will love you for you and see your fertility issue as something to conquer together as a team. As everyone else is saying, you are in the relationship alone and that certainly is getting you nowhere.

Much luck to you!

DoulaLC · May 26, 2011, 05:22 PM

I'd continue seeing the counselor on your own. I would also consider a separation at least.

He has already shown that he wants control, he has been very cruel with his words to you, he doesn't support you when his family is unkind, and he shows no interest in trying to work at the relationship because it's all your problem anyway and you need to get "fixed".

If you decide to leave, do not get involved with the man who brought up getting a divorce to be with him. Spend time on your own learning to enjoy your own company. Spend time with your family and friends. Get yourself settled before considering dating anyone. It is easy to make rash decisions, that may be unwise, when you start to feel appreciated.

If you decide to leave, you will find love again. Might you miss the goodies his money allows? Perhaps, but you will be free to decide whether you want to be with someone who treats you with respect or not. Who knows, you possibly will have those things again at some point anyway or you very well may discover there are far better perks in a healthy, loving relationship, even if that sort of money isn't there.

Form a game plan, maybe even talk with an attorney to know what your options are. Then talk to your husband once again and let him know how unhappy you have been, what you need from him to feel respected and cared about, and that you are considering separating... see what his response is. It will tell you which direction you should go next.