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grandma9 · Apr 25, 2011, 02:34 PM

I dread having him over. I try to read to him, but he won't sit still long enough. He is very destructive, doesn't listen, and growls, scowls and rolls his eyes into his head when you try to discipline him. His mother seems to think its because he is "just being a boy", and her family were late talkers. There is more than this, and I come from a large family of boys and girls and have never seen this behavior.

excon · Apr 25, 2011, 02:38 PM

Hello g:

3 1/2 is pretty old for not talking... I'd think he should be seen by a professional... The problem is, you're only the grandmother... If the mother doesn't want to take him and you can't convince her, then you can't do anything.

excon

Godschild13 · Apr 25, 2011, 02:53 PM

He is just a baby l : ) I have a cousin sort of like that. You can't exspect him to act like all the other boys in the famly. Its probably in his genes.

Godschild13 · Apr 25, 2011, 02:54 PM

I do aggre that could be it.

DrBill100 · Apr 25, 2011, 03:13 PM

The lack of speech development noted should be of concern. There is some indication that delayed speech and language development can be hereditary, leastwise runs in families. Nonetheless, lack of expressive ability at age 3 ½ is of concern. It may be that this inability to verbalize and communicate leads to frustration manifest in the behavior problems noted. That is only one possibility but such behavioral problems are often associated with delayed speech development.

Following is a website that provides information on speech development at various ages. Hope this is helpful.

See SPEECH MILESTONES

Wondergirl · Apr 25, 2011, 03:19 PM

I totally agree with DrBill regarding the language problem. Meanwhile, do large-muscle activities with him rather than just quiet, sit-down things. Go outdoors into the yard or a park and run with him, toss balls back and forth, play Nerf baseball, buy him a basketball and basketball hoop that is on a pole and can be raised as the child gets older, get him a Big Wheel or trike that he can ride in safe places, go to a playground with swings and other large-muscle amusements.

This little boy may be very bored.

DoulaLC · Apr 25, 2011, 03:28 PM

How does he communicate? Does he say nothing at all? Does he ask for things? Will he answer you when you ask him something? Does he respond accordingly to simple directions? Does he have siblings? Does he attend daycare or preschool? Does he watch television? Does he copy what he hears?

joypulv · Apr 26, 2011, 05:03 AM

All of this is basically his mother's concern. If you dread having him there, then stop having him, and try again in 6 months. You don't need to feel guilty about it either.

JudyKayTee · Apr 26, 2011, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by Godschild13

He is just a baby l : ) I have a cousin sort of like that. You can't exspect him to act like all the other boys in the famly. Its probably in his genes.

What?

grandma9 · May 2, 2011, 01:33 PM

This is ongoing. The parents allow this destructive behavior. He can talk somewhat, but no one can understand what he says.

grandma9 · May 2, 2011, 01:35 PM

He says some words, but very few can be understood. He knows what you say and can follow directions. He has a younger brother, he was removed from day care due to destructive behaviors and refusal to follow directives. He watches television, he rides his toys. His motor skills are above average. It's the speech and behavior.

grandma9 · May 2, 2011, 01:42 PM

Because I am the grandma it is hard. His grandpa and I have taken him to the park, he spends the time trying to run into the street, trying to have fun with him on slides, swings doesn't work because he refuses to stay. He has a basketball, and a baseball and soccer, and football. When trying to play any of these activities, he continues to throw the ball either over the fence or somewhere far away. He rides his bikes, scooters and motorrized vehicles. (usually either running into buildings, or tries to get into the street) Unfortunately his destructive behavior has caused many of these items to be broken. Trying to keep him in a yard and playing with an adult only last for a few minutes because he will either run up and spit at you or try to excape the yard. Parents seem oblivious to this. Have tried to talk to them, but they insist he is just being a boy. He was removed from pre school due to his behavior, and seems to lack any skills in playing with other children.

grandma9 · May 2, 2011, 01:43 PM

He is not expected to act like others, only to act like a child that people want to be around. There are certain social skills that should be obtained by the age of 3-1/2.

grandma9 · May 2, 2011, 01:48 PM

This child has serious destructive behaviors that are dangerous to himself and smaller children. His speech is such that you cannot understand him. He is taken to parks, given educational toys, bikes, scooters. He is destructive. When you try to put him in time out, he will pull down his pants and urinate on the floor, then spit at you. When you have a child who is removed from a public pre school due to this behavior, it makes my heart ache. His parents need to take hold and get him into speech (which was recommended). Otherwise he will continue to be a child no one will want around, and that is sad. So I guess the real question should be, how do my husband and I approach this in a way that doesn't make our son and his wife mad at us.

joypulv · May 2, 2011, 02:15 PM

I was just giving the 'don't feel responsible' viewpoint because you already had so much parenting advice.
But I still think that perhaps if you refuse to babysit for a few months, his parents might decide that it really is time to take notice. All you have to say is that you, poor old grandma, can't handle it. Sad though it is, it IS their job. And even if they get mad at you, it might be what is needed.

martinizing2 · May 3, 2011, 03:31 AM

Has the child ever known discipline of any kind?

Do his parents talk to him or try to teach him anything?

I have seen similar behavior in children who were never given any structure or discipline because the parents said they didn't want to stifle his creativity and free spirit.

The fact was they were too damn lazy to put in the time and energy it takes to raise a child .
He is doing about 40 years now on 10 to 15 felony charges from robbery to rape .
Should have stifled some of that free spirit I think.

JudyKayTee · May 3, 2011, 08:16 AM

I think at this point someone has to think of the child and address this directly with the parents - if they are angry, so be it.

And there's always CPS if the child is being ignored to the point of dangerous behavior, and that can be interpreted in many ways.

Someone has to care enough to step in and intervene on behalf of this child.

DoulaLC · May 3, 2011, 01:13 PM

His language skills may be lagging, which could in turn result in his acting out if he is becoming frustrated with communicating his displeasure or even simple needs. Will he repeat simple words after you when reading a book? Do you notice any specific sounds he has difficulty with... or unusual tongue placement? Is he corrected, and if so, how is he corrected when using speech?

If he has frequently responded to attempts at discipline in such a manner, and it goes without further consequence, it may be a learned behaviour. If he responds in an inappropriate manner without any sort of provocation, or as a response to frustration, it may be something more. What is the consequence when he does something like urinating on the floor? Is he required to help clean up?

Does your son and daughter-in-law at least recognise that there are concerns? Are you able to mention your concerns to your son on his own? You might talk with them again.

Since they know speech testing is recommended, maybe you could just say, "It's been awhile, when is "Johnny's" appointment for speech?" "I'll go with you if you'd like." Or you might locate a few yourself and give the parents the name and number.

You could even ask if they would like you to set it up. Perhaps with something like, "I know the two of you have been so busy lately, and I realise that you must really want Johnny to get his speech testing done as soon as possible so that he can have enough time to show nice progress before he gets to school age. I'd be happy to set that up for you. How does sometime in the next two weeks sound?"

KitKat59 · May 4, 2011, 09:06 PM

I have 3 grown children, when they were young. I worked all the time being a divorced mom with no Dad help. L My youngest son would not talk till he was three. He didn't need to his sister and brother just somehow knew what he wanted or was trying to say and said it for him. As far as the anger and destructiveness he is showing. Perhaps he is frustrated and wants attention. Maybe this is the only way he can get it when he is home and he has learned it works. My daughter has twin 5 year olds boy and girl. The boy will want his way all the time, over just little things he will scream kick not stopping, even saying I won't stop till I have this or that. I won't give him any attention at this point. Except for telling him to sit down stop and then I will listen to what you want and we can discuss if can be done. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to hold him so he won't hurt himself or his sister. It's his Father that will always give in to him. Now the girl sees this and she has started to try this same thing. Just once, then she realized it wasn't going to work with me. If he brakes something put it in the trash, if it something of yours. Remove something of his. Not saying throw it away. Put it away for a while. At three an hour is a long time. When my grandson shows the behavior that you have discussed. I sit him down till he can stop crying, kicking, screaming, hitting, all of it. I sit with him close, within eye view. Then we talk about what happened and how we can make it better next time.
I don't think you can talk to his parents and get any good response. It's easy to say oh he just being a boy. But maybe you can change how he acts when with you. The school can't (won't) devote so much time to just one child. It's the parents that need to work on the problem. I know of few schools, county public schools that evaluate young children who are having speech and anger problems. They work with child and parents. It's not daycare, but they have a low teacher to child ratio. Generally it is used for handicapped children. But they do accept children who are mean destructive, violent towards others. My middle son started when he was just three. He was able to go to public school 1st grade after being there. But it's not up to you. His parents have to do something. If it medical or just behavioral. The older he gets the worse it will be. I hope things will work out for all of you.