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Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

its not even proving, its like she wants me ot make it so she doesnt care about not making the first special, but i can't figure out how to do that.

I'm still confused.

Rarely is the "first time" special, especially for the female. She doesn't know what to expect, there will probably be some pain and maybe bleeding, she rarely has an orgasm, and her partner doesn't have a clue how her body reacts (and she doesn't either).

What did she expect to be special? It sounds like she's been watching too many soaps or chick flicks or reading too many Harlequin romances.

"The first time" is something we want to get over with and then get into the work of making the next 500 times much better.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 12:10 PM

I honestly don't know either, I feel like she is looking at movies that make it all sound amazing but I honestly don't know what is more special than having it be with someone they love.

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 12:17 PM

If it hasn't been turned around for her by now, it isn't going to happen.

As Wondergirl said, the first time often is not fireworks and roses. Besides, what you make of the relationship outside of that is what is more important.

Be very careful that this one incident isn't something you end up having hung over your head; that you are made to feel as though you will never make up for. If that is the case, you won't please her. This is something she has to resolve for herself.

At some point she will either have to let it go, and focus on more important things, or you might have to make some tough choices about staying in the relationship.

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 12:21 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

i honestly dont know either, i feel like she is looking at movies that make it all sound amazing but i honestly dont know what is more special than having it be with someone they love.

I really do think she is being unrealistic and chewing around on old tuna salad that should have been thrown out and forgotten about ten months ago.

The first time for most of us is NOT amazing. In fact, I haven't come across any female yet who sighed happily when recalling her first time. Most of us have funny or tragic stories to tell. (I have one of my own, but will spare you.)

clafairey · Apr 24, 2011, 12:43 PM

I think if you want to make it up to her, giving her oral is a good start. She can't say it was all for you in that case!

Cat1864 · Apr 24, 2011, 02:10 PM

Jason, when did she start saying it wasn't special for her? Just after it happened or when she found out that you had sex with someone before her?

This is sounding more like a punishment than anything else. I don't think there is anything you can do to 'make it up' to her.

She needs to come to terms with the way things are instead of wanting you to go back in time and change things to suit her. If she can't, then she needs to be by herself learning how to be a mature individual because she definitely not being a partner.

Stop allowing her to make you feel guilty about things you can do nothing about now.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 02:29 PM

It was just like a month or 2 ago that she started actually telling me that she resented me for that, and between those times we did have sex, so its just the first time she resents me for

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 02:40 PM

If she can't resolve this issue in her own mind, then you are going to have to make some decisions, because it doesn't appear anything you do or say will change things for her. She doesn't even know what would make it better for her, so how are you supposed to know?

Maybe she's heard stories from other women, maybe she read an article in a magazine, maybe she saw it on a talk show, who knows, but somehow she has it in her mind that she got the short end of the stick the first time. Has she told you what exactly about the situation bothers her so much?

You will have to decide how long you are willing to be resented for something you can't change, and have tried to make amends for.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 02:54 PM

Well I think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so I'm stumped

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 02:56 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

well i think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so im stumped

There is nothing you can do. Nothing. Whatever you do will not be the right thing or enough. She needs to grow up.

Aren't you reading what we are posting in this thread?

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

well i think she may know what she wants me to do but she said you can figure it out on your own, its your decision so im stumped

She is playing games. "If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you". This is not part of a mature relationship. Open communication is key... not guessing games.

It sounds as though you may be in a no win situation. You can just try different things, say what you think she wants to hear, do what you think she wants you to do... throw stuff out there and see what sticks... what appeases her.

Then you can tell her that you have done all that you can and now it is HER decision whether it is enough. Then YOU get to make another decision... is this the sort of back and forth relationship you want to remain in. I think you are dancing on egg shells trying to keep her happy.

As Wondergirl said, I don't know what else can be suggested.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 04:19 PM

Last thingm she said what would make up for taking my first time away from me. I don't think anything could make up for that.

Cat1864 · Apr 24, 2011, 04:31 PM

When did she find out it wasn't your first time?

If this is something relatively new, then she is using it to hurt you for something else that has happened or to keep you from finding out about something else.

What else is going on in your relationship that is being ignored while she has you chasing your tail trying to fix something that can't be fixed?

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 04:42 PM

She thinks I stole her first time away from her, and she was like what could make up for that? I decided I had to be more clear sorry

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 05:01 PM

Does she feel that way because you weren't a virgin (which you can't undo) or because she was expecting it to be something more, (which we already said is not uncommon, and again, nothing you can undo)?

That you "stole the first time away from her"... did she participate willingly or did you push the situation and she was not really wanting to?

You know, if she was willingly participating, it is not all on you to make it wonderful for her. She plays a role in how it went as well.

You said it yourself... there is nothing you can do to make her happy about it. There comes a point of deciding it is time to let be what can not be changed. There is no sense at all in going round and round with it.

I'd tell her you have tried to make it up to her, but since she refuses to tell you exactly what she expects from you at this point, then you aren't going to continue to discuss it. It is futile, and only continues to be a wedge between the two of you. Then leave it up to her whether that is good enough and the two of you can move passed it and build on your relationship. If not, end the relationship, cut your losses, move on, and someday you can find someone who is truly ready to be in a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

Or, stay in it, and hope someday you will learn to read her mind... obviously it's your choice what you want to contend with.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 05:10 PM

She feels that way because I was not a virgin, and she didn't know that.

friend4u178 · Apr 24, 2011, 05:16 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

she feels that way because i was not a virgin, and she didnt know that.

Well time for her to accept it and move on , and you need to tell her that. If she can't maybe time for you to let her go.

You can't keep trying to appease her if she won't even give you a hint of how you can help , that's just immaturity on her part in my opinion. Any good relationship is based on good communication , not one party holding the other to ransom over something that's happened and can't be taken back.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 05:18 PM

Yeah I guess, I just don't want to give up with out a fight, with out knowing I di and said every single thing that I could have.

friend4u178 · Apr 24, 2011, 05:26 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

yeah i guess, i just dont want to give up with out a fight, with out knowing i di and said every single thing that i could have.

Not expecting you to give up , however comes a time when she has to accept your willing to sort it out but you need some input from her on how to help.

Her telling you to sort it out for yourself is immature , and you need to stand up for yourself and tell her. Otherwise how long is she going to hold a grudge , and more importantly how long can you put up with it?

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

she feels that way because i was not a virgin, and she didnt know that.

There is nothing you can do to change that, make her forget it, or cause her not to be bothered by that. She has to deal with that herself.

You apologized for not being upfront about it before, that is all you can do.

Tell her you love her, are sorry you didn't share it with her before, and that you want to move forward on the relationship. If she won't accept that and let it go... then you can continue racking your brain trying to come up with some other way to make it go away, or you can save yourself a good deal of torment and move on.