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jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:01 AM

Girl Friends First time
So my girl friend feels that our first time was not special, and that it was more for me than it was for her, she feels that I didn't take into account her feelings and that it was rushed. And she resents me for that. What can I do or say to her to make this better and assure her that this was not the case?

Cat1864 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:06 AM

Due to talking about sex, would you please give your ages?

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 10:06 AM

Pretend we are your girlfriend. Convince us it was not rushed and not just for you. What arguments would you use?

(Since we weren't present at this event, we have no idea of whose pov is more accurate.)

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:15 AM

Ages 18 and 18 and have been dating for 13 months and she just brings up the issue of resentment now.

I honestly I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to say the wrong thing.

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 10:20 AM

Was it rushed and just for you?

What did she expect -- did she say?

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:22 AM

No it was not just for me, I wanted us to be closer, and she did not say what she expected.

Also I admitted to her that I had not made it special, and she said "you can't change that, so stop arguing, accept it and try to make it up."
What does she mean by that?

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 10:42 AM

Is it only the first time she's complaining about, or is she having a problem with how you are every time?

Have you asked her how you are supposed to "make it up"? (You're not a mind reader, after all.)

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:43 AM

Its only the first time, because that was most special to her.

Okay she said I should try to make it up to her, how can I do that? What do I say to make it up to her?

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 10:45 AM

Have you asked her how you are supposed to "make it up"? (You're not a mind reader, after all.)

What's done is done. I don't think there is any way to "make it up." And I'm not so sure she should lay that demand on you. That's not fair. No matter what you do, she can always come back at you and say, "That wasn't good enough. Try harder."

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:51 AM

I said I can start by appologizing and she repsonded "For..." so how sohuld I word my apology?

Something like

"Im sorry babe for not telling you everything, you had a right to know about the things that had happened before i met you, and i understand that would have cahnged everything, im sorry for rushing into thing and not considering your feelings as much as i should have and for that i was wrong as well, i dont want you to resent me babe i just want us to move on past this, be togehter and take things slow from now on, and i can assure you that every day we spend together will be special."

Does that work?

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 10:55 AM

I'm so confused. How long ago was "the first time"?

And there's no reason to divulge your entire dating and sexual past to her. That would be the exact WRONG thing to do. It will give her the opportunity and green light to throw that back into your face during an argument.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:03 AM

First time was 11 months ago, and she thought I was a virgin and I never told her I was not because she never asked me, and everyone has always told me that what happens between you and a person stays between you and them, its like that bond that will always be there even though that person is not in your life.

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 11:13 AM

She is still harping on something that happened eleven months ago??

everyone has always told me that what happens between you and a person stays between you and them, its like that bond that will always be there even though that person is not in your life.

I have a bridge to sell you if you believe what "everyone" tells you. ("Everyone" is wrong, by the way.)

This relationship is still in its infancy. If I were you, I'd be very careful what I would confide in her.

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 11:13 AM

Did you rush her? Was she not really wanting to move to that level in your relationship?

Did you lead her to believe that you were a virgin or did the subject just never come up? Does it really make a difference to her for some particular reason? Does she feel you kept that information from her?

I agree, I don't see what specifically you need to make up to her or apologize for unless you misled her, and moved the relationship forward faster than she was wanting it to.

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 11:19 AM

i can assure you that every day we spend together will be special

No, you can't. There will be things that rock her boat, and you will have no clue what she is talking about and have no understanding at all why her boat is rocking.

You will not always live up to what she thinks you should be, and, if you are on a never-ending quest to please her, both of you will be sadly disappointed. That's not to say you aren't a good guy and want to make her happy, but her definition of "happy" may be diametrically opposed to what you think is "happy."

That's why honest and frequent communication is at the heart of any relationship.

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:21 AM

No I never mis led her, and she was a virgin so losing it is a big deal to her.

DoulaLC · Apr 24, 2011, 11:22 AM

She is still wanting you to make up for something that happened 11 months ago? What has your relationship been like since that time? Have you been feeling as though you owe her or that you need to keep proving yourself?

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:28 AM

I feel like I have to keep proving myself

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by jasongano67

i feel like i have to keep proving myself

Why? Does she demand that you do?

Prove yourself to be what?

jasongano67 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:49 AM

Its not even proving, its like she wants me ot make it so she doesn't care about not making the first special, but I can't figure out how to do that.