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deliriumm · Apr 23, 2011, 03:43 PM

So,2 weeks ago,me and my boyfriend decided to take a break from our relationship. We were friends for 1.5 years, and loved each other so much, it was like winning a challenge for us both, we were the happiest persons on the Earth that we had each other.. He is 18, I knew he is childish, and that there might occur some commitment issues.. And I was him only friend, and his girl-friend, so there is no other person he could be open to, he is a very closed person.

That's why I was so happy to begin to date him, it was hard to win his trust.. But I did.. From the beginning of our relationship we both agreed not to tell "i love you" before some time passes, these words mean a lot to us, so we just should not hurry things up..

And a month ago, I Accidentally said "i love you" instead of "i adore you".. And he freaked out, so did I, I was not ready to say that.. So since then he began to understand that things were getting serious between us, that he has to commit, and on the other hand, he didn't want to lose me, I was the only one he cared about. And he didn't resist..

We took a break. On the 2nd day, I began to miss him terribly, I realized that I CANNOT live without him, we were the closest persons to each other, we were like twins, we think the same, we like the same things.. And after a week of the "break" I did not resist and told him I miss him and want him back..

He said that it was way too early to talk about that, he didn't even manage to think about the break.. He said he still loves me, but he cannot get over this commitment issue, but wants to be with me. I told him that I cannot sit there and wait for so long, and that this is a break up and we do not have to talk to each other anymore (it is very hard, we are in the same class)..

And yesterday he went with his parents on a holiday.. And wrote me an e-mail, asking if I go out with any guys (with a jealous tone), why didn't I call him... Now I am trying to do the NO CONTACT thing, to make him miss me, but that's so hard, I get so tempted to write him I want him back...

Everyone says we are meant to each other, it is MEANT TO BE... I just want him back. And I know he will miss me.. But I do not want to look obsessed with him, to force him..

Please,any advice?

Please..

Wondergirl · Apr 23, 2011, 03:54 PM

Now I am trying to do the NO CONTACT thing, to make him miss me

Others will come online and give you good advice. I wanted to let you know that No Contact is not done to make him miss you. That's playing games. No Contact is for you to move forward without him. Forever. Permanently.

We took a break.

That is absolutely the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Very rarely does a couple recover from that and get back together. If there are problems in a relationship, a mature couple will stay together and work them out somehow, and not take a "break."

DoulaLC · Apr 23, 2011, 03:55 PM

He knows how you feel, now do your best to avoid contacting him anymore... at least for awhile.

He can't have it both ways... not wanting to be committed to you, but not wanting you to date anyone else either.

Give him the time he needs to sort out exactly what he wants. It won't be easy, but try to keep yourself busy with other friends and family. Focus on school work, doing things you enjoy, trying something new. Let him miss you... it may help him figure out what he wants.

If it is "meant to be", things might work out at a later time. It could, however, be that either one of you eventually decides you do want to have the chance to see other people and not have any relationship commitments right now.

Just as a side note: You can't really put a time limit on when you might discover that you love someone. You either do or you don't. You could feel it within weeks of meeting someone, you might never feel it even if you dated someone for months.

talaniman · Apr 23, 2011, 04:47 PM

If you are using NC to get him back, and not move on then you are playing a game with yourself trying to manipulate someone to your way of thinking.

He has reached out to you, so why not be honest with him, or tell him to stop wasting your time. Don't play those storybook games.

hendersonclaude · Apr 24, 2011, 11:45 AM

I totally disagree there. I know lots of couples who have taken breaks and it's been great for them. I'm in a 5 year relationship and my girlfriend and I have taken a good number of breaks, always with positive effects--kind of like doing a detox diet. I'm not advocating it, just pointing out that it works for some couples and that "very rarely does a couple recover from that" can't possibly be based on research related to couples, more likely it's just a personal bias. So look, from my experience and from what I've seen, a break can work if it gives the people involved a chance to think things through carefully and without pressure. It tends to clarify feelings and options and open up new channels of communication. And ending the break can be a very sweet experience. So do trust your instincts and also your boyfriend, deliriumm, and give it some time and see what comes of it.

Wondergirl · Apr 24, 2011, 11:52 AM

I know lots of couples who have taken breaks and it's been great for them.

just pointing out that it works for some couples

You went from "lots" to "some."

It may work for some, but, on the whole, it's a bad idea. Usually the couple does not recover and get back together again, or if they do, they bounce back and forth until the relationship finally ends. I know that is true from many years of personal observation, from doing couples counseling, and from being on this site.

answerme_tender · Apr 24, 2011, 03:06 PM

The bottom line here is that He Doesn't want a commitment he wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want you going out with other guys, because what if you actually meet a guy who know how great you are and proves to you that he actually wants to be loved and here is the kicker CAN SHOW IT BACK by commitment then he just lost his play toy. He would have to start all over, and that's not always easy to do.

deliriumm · May 1, 2011, 12:38 PM

As I wrote before, I broke up with my boyfriend,whom I loved a lot,and he loved me, but he was not ready for a serious relationship,though he wanted to be with me when he accepts the idea of commitment. In the day we broke up, I told that I just do not want to talk with him anymore (that would be pretty hard,we are best friends). The next day,he went on a trip with his family, and he wrote me a long e-mail, being so interested in what am I doing, and we were talking like that 5 days.. And since then,silence.. He didn't call or write.. I texted him,asking how is it going.. And all I received during the "conversation" were one-line messages.. I asked what's wrong, all I received was "?".. ANNNND SILENCE.. what the hell is wrong with him? It never happened before, I know him, something happened,but he is so distant (suddenly) with me,and pretends everything is OK. I really wanted to get with him back together, knowing that we both have feelings.. And now I just don't know,what wrong have I done? I want him back, I know he is a coward,and will not do the first step... Any advice,please?

ironhide262 · May 1, 2011, 11:02 PM

First off, you broke up with him.. that's what you wanted isn't it? Why didn't you stick to your original plan of not talking/communicating to him? Why all the emailing and the bitterness after the 5 days of emails ended?

Perhaps he is the one going through with what YOU originally wanted and he feels like he needs time alone, without talking/communicating with you, to deal with his feelings after the breakup!

On top of all this, after breaking up with him, you expect HIM (that coward! ) to chase after you and beg you back!!

You had your reason to break up with him... during this time you have been apart did he finally become "ready for a serious relationship" or " accept the idea of commitment" ? So, why the need to get back together again?

It's time to end the confusion and make up your mind about what you really want. Although, I suspect it may be too late with your ex. If what broke you up in the first place hasn't changed then what is the point of getting back together again? Also, there is always a risk in destroying a good friendship when you get into a relationship with your best friend.

When one makes the decision to breakup it should be final... breaking up once is hard enough for both people. If you want your ex back then get on it and shake heaven and earth to show him you want him back... then pray that he will want you as well. Otherwise stick to NC and move on to someone who is more committed to you!

kcomissiong · May 2, 2011, 08:19 AM

You don't really have a choice about accepting this. You dumped him, and he moved on. If you wanted to be with him, you would have stayed and tried to work out your issues. Instead, you played a childish game of dumping him so he would see what he lost and come back a new, more committed man. You played the game and you lost. He has moved on with his life. (And, he only emailed you out of boredom while he was with his family... now that he is back and has other distractions, he doesn't want anything to do with you.) Take it as a lesson learned, when you play games, be prepared to lose. When you want to have a mature relationship, it takes work, and not games.

deliriumm · May 2, 2011, 02:54 PM

The point is that I understand that accepting the idea of commitment takes time,not 2-3 weeks... And we are still talking,and we both feel so strange that we are not together anymore. If we get back together,his fear will go away.. But how can I find out if he is ready,and how could I propose him to try it one more time,and take it slow?I really can not live without him,he was the one who always comforted me and I comforted him.. I do not know what is in his head,he is very closed and shy.. But I know that if we get back together,things will work out,BUT HOW can I do it?

DoulaLC · May 2, 2011, 03:26 PM

How do you know things would work out? If he's not ready to make a commitment, you can't make it happen because you are wanting it so badly. Hard to take, yes, but you really have no choice but to let it be up to him now.

He already knows how you feel and what you want. If he is interested, he will let you know, regardless of how closed and shy he is.

Just do what you are doing... talking. In time, he may decide he is comfortable with starting up the relationship again... or he may decide having you as a friend works better for him.

Alty · May 2, 2011, 04:05 PM

And we are still talking,and we both feel so strange that we are not together anymore.

I thought you said that he was no longer communicating with you. Has he called or texted since your last post?

It doesn't sound like he wants to get back together. It sounds like he wanted to chat right after the break up because he missed you, but after 5 days of texting he realized that the break up was a done deal and he's decided to move on.

I really can not live without him

This worries me. You two weren't together that long. He didn't commit. But you can't live without him?

You may miss him, you may care about him, but trust me, you can live without him, and if he doesn't come back, you will live without him. You'll hurt for a while, but you'll get over it in time. We've all been there.

Give him some space. Learn to live for yourself, not someone else. Don't sit around waiting for him to come back. Go out, live our life. I bet someone else will come along. :)

ironhide262 · May 2, 2011, 05:33 PM

You want us to tell you some sort of step by step method of reeling him back in. It simply doesn't work that way. Only he can choose whether he wants to be with you.

Relationships are built on love,trust,honesty, respect(among other things) and not manipulation.

All you can do is be yourself and tell him how you feel... that's it. The rest is up to him.

Continue NC, it's not easy but, we're all here to help.. learn from all of this, move on, strive to be happy on your own.

deliriumm · May 3, 2011, 10:25 AM

Yes,he texted me since the last post. The reason I hope we will get back together is that I know why he hides his feelings.. And he was my best friend for 1.5 years,still I cannot let it go that easily.. I thought of just giving him some time to think,and hope he will realize that commitment is not such a scary thing..