[Russell712]

OK, here is my situation, I have been married now to my current wife for 8 years and it has been in my eyes a decent marriage overall. I know her family was kind of messed up and her mother was a emotionally abusive person. And know I think my wife is following that same path.

For the past 5 years of so I have began feeling like I am walking on eggshells, that nothing I do is right. My wife is very lax about housework, yet if I or someone else cleans up any of her messes she throws a absolute fit and carries on that things were not done right. I am a very detailed-oriented person and my cleaning is typically much more through than hers. She constantly tells me directly or in not so many words that I am a bad husband and that I always ignore her. I have few friends, I don't drink and rarely go anywhere but to work. She also tell me that I am using her and other such things that make my jaw drop in disbelief. She is always accusing me of cheating and tells me constantly that she does not trust me. She makes a habit of throwing things in my face that happened as far back as when we were dating. And it is all fairly trivial stuff. There is also so much more that I haven't mentioned.

Earlier this year I was trying to talk to her about things, which actually was turning into another session of her telling me how bad I am and how I have hurt her feelings so many times and I stopped and asked her what about my feelings. She stopped a moment and looked at me like she was shocked and sort of amused. That sent chills down my spine. I figured then I had major problems. I set up counseling for us, which she began turning into blame sessions of things about me. When the counselor would begin to cue in on something she was doing, she would clam up and tell me after the session that she wasn't going back. I don't know what to do anymore.

And now to even complicate things more, I found out a few weeks back that I have a tumor on my stomach. I am 44 years old and honestly I am terrified by this. My father died of cancer when he was 66 and I had a cousin pass away from cancer who was 50. My wife was initially supportive of me on this until it began to infringe upon her 'needs'. Now she is back to her same old games and threatening to leave. Telling me that my worrying about this is pushing her away. I reach out to her every chance but if it is not what she wants and how she wants it I receive nothing but scorn in response. I pray every night for the lord to help her, but I just don't know what to do now.

[tickle]

You appear to be a pretty straight forward individual 'Russell' and your post was really well put together, succinct. My honest opinion of your situation, is to just call her bluff. Next time she says she will leave, just tell her to go, you are done with it. Then see what happens.

I don't know how you have put up with this situation for so long.

Tick

[slapshot_oi]

What a witch.

I strongly suggest you leave her today without warning.

I kept my response brief so you won't waste valuable time reading it. Pack your suitcase now.

[JudyKayTee]

I'd stop praying and start packing.

[QLP]

Just how sick do you have to be before she realises you have needs?

More to the point, how bad does it have to be before YOU realise you have needs - and do something about it.

Stop putting all your energy into what she needs and focus on taking care of you. If she can't get on board then what are you getting out of being with her?

[joypulv]

She sounds like my mother, who died after 66 years with my long suffering father.
(Now I worry constantly that I might be like her around him.)
I would leave her a note on my way out the door:
Dear Wife,
I am miserable here and don't know how long I have to live. I need to enjoy my life on my own somewhere else.

Ask around at work about anyone who needs a roommate. You probably don't really want to be alone, right?

About the only thing I learned in therapy is not to blame people, not to tell them what they are doing to us, but to merely state how we feel.

[tkrussell]

Before just packing up and leaving now, wait until Monday morning, contact an attorney, and discover what you should do, legally, to protect your rights and property.

[Russell712]

An update, in June I found out that the local hospital had made a mistake on my CT scan. Turned out not to be a tumor but a misread CT scan, praise God. In early August my wife and I separated after she threatened to leave one time too many. I am working on getting a divorce now. She keeps asking to come back, she has started seeing a Psychologist and says she is better now after only 3 visits! Must be a miracle worker! Well I'm not buying it. Not going back, not going to risk it.

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks for coming back with your update. I often wonder how an OP is doing. Sounds like things are working out.

SO GLAD you are healthy!

[kellel]

Run for the hills. I am in the middle of a divorce with the same type of person: we can't talk about anything without it becoming a three-hour long tirade about how bad and abusive I am. I endure hours of abuse all revolving around how I'm abusive. Pointless exercise. Run and don't look back at this emotional vampire.

[mitchell101]

Russell, great news on your prognosis. Your description almost mirrors my situation. Lookup borderline personality disorder... I believe you will find that is what you are dealing with. The only reason I know is after having been persecuted for years by my wife I knew deep down I could not be as bad as she kept telling me. In my search I found this silent, treacherous condition. I don't call it a disease because when my wife is around other people she chooses respectful behaviors... when she is around me and our children she chooses viciousness. That is a choice, not a disease. Keep praying, always pray. It is our greatest opportunity and tool.

[whitetails4ever]

No ! Sounds like my wife. Everything is a large ambling circle of words that comes back to me. I did this when we got married, I did this when our son was born... blah blah blah. I get so freaking tired of listening to it. We have two sons, 13 and almost 15 together. I love them unconditonally, but unfortuantely, the last couple years she has started poisening them against me. They say things like "I wish you weren't my dad" and "I don't want you around anymore".

When I say something, of course, this is something born of my behavior, rather than her lack of support. She took the kids two days ago and moved them to a hotel. I got no notice... just showed up at 10pm at night on a Saturday after a ballgame and grabbed the dog upstairs and dashed. Surprised her during the work day to ask what was going on, and she simply said... "I moved out...I'm sick of your abuse". I never have laid a hand on them, and try to pick my words. I am deeply hurt, but I guess I will let them find their own place in the sun. I'm just tired of the brow beating from her. I will miss not having my kids around every night. I love them despite their attitude at times.

[tickle]

White, you piggybacked on another post, but I know why, and your input was good but I sincerely wish you would start your own thread with your issues because you need to talk and this is the best place to get things off your chest and acquire some darn good above the board legal advice.

I know you are talking the path of least resistance, but she needs to realize that she can't just walk out with the kids and the dog and cause problems and heartache.

Tick

[JudyKayTee]

No ! Sounds like my wife. Everything is a large ambling circle of words that comes back to me. I did this when we got married, I did this when our son was born....blah blah blah. I get so freaking tired of listening to it. We have two sons, 13 and almost 15 together. I love them unconditonally, but unfortuantely, the last couple years she has started poisening them against me. They say things like "I wish you weren't my dad" and "I don't want you around anymore".

When I say something, of course, this is something born of my behavior, rather than her lack of support. She took the kids two days ago and moved them to a hotel. I got no notice...just showed up at 10pm at night on a Saturday after a ballgame and grabbed the dog upstairs and dashed. Surprised her during the work day to ask what was going on, and she simply said..."I moved out...I'm sick of your abuse". I never have laid a hand on them, and try to pick and choose my words. I am deeply hurt, but I guess I will let them find their own place in the sun. I'm just tired of the brow beating from her. I will miss not having my kids around every night. I love them despite their attitude at times.

I don't know if there's a question here.

Abuse doesn't have to involve the physical and she obviously felt/feels that you were not there for her emotionally.

Why are you just sitting there while she and your children are in a hotel somewhere? Have you consulted with an Attorney? Have you set up visitation and support - and, eventually, custody?

[living12]

Hello Mittchell

How do you deal with your wife. I have only been married for 10 months and it has felt like hell. Me and my wife are separated now. When we were living together she would threaten suicide if I disagreed and would throw things and threaten to destroy things that I liked. One time she pulled out a large butcher knife and told me she didn't know what she was going to do with it. The last episode she almost ran me over with our car and all of these things were over trivial things. Should I leave her?