[Blindsided]

I dated a girl for a little over 6 months. I stayed with her for a week because it was close to a client job I was on. During the week end; she randomly broke up with me because she said she fell out of love with me on Saturday of that week end. The week I stayed at her place; everything was completely fine, so the break up blind sided me completely. Her reasons were "the little things added up"; but when I asked what the little things where, she said she didn't know. She also pulled a punch that we argued all the time; which isn't accurate according to my memory at least (we argued maybe once a month?). I would also randomly ask if she liked me coming home to her on weekdays (since it was new to us); and she always said she loved it.

One thing I've noticed throughout our relationship is that our arguments (more often than not) directly correlated with her PMS; which turned her into a completely different person. I want to know if this issue is stemming from a mix of PMS & her true falling out with me (what seemed to be overnight); or her literally just falling out of love with me? She exhibited no signs of falling out of love with me before today.

[ken007nielsen]

Overnight does sound pretty weird, but that's all you got to go on - you going to have to take her word on it and accept it.

So now your free do what's best for you.

[chuff]

"Little things added up" means she probably didn't like what she saw when you stayed with her and didn't want to pursue it further to the point you'd move in together.

[Sumitkumar7266]

Ya she might not like being with you.. She is making excuses just to break up with you.. Argument and fight happens in love but for that we don't need bresk up.. If she is really concern of the relationship then she will try to resolve it but here she is just giving the justification to proof that you are not the best for him.. So better give her some space and then if she is coming back then accept it or else leave her and move on.. Try to convince her but don't argue and say her that in past you liked me to come in your home and now you don't like it.. Don't ask questions to her,just show your love to her.. It will be helpful.

[amicon]

Her feelings changed,probably not overnight,but accept that it's over and get your life back on track.

[Blindsided]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I hope this break up might lead to some perspective on her and my behalf; and maybe we will or will not get back together in the future. I am just shocked that this happened so quickly, it makes it harder for me to find closure. I do believe our week together did make her have a change of heart, I just wish I could pinpoint why; everything seemed fine. She also began graduate school this past week online and she was very stressed out about it.

I guess it's just tough for me not to over analyze things at this point; I loved that girl, she truly made me happy. I will definitely consider all of your feedback, it is much appreciated; I will also give her space in case this is what she needs (unless she is just done). I wrote a letter last night to her that I will put in the mail today. It was a positive note that just expressed how happy she made me, the little things I loved about her, and how I saw her as a person (positive characteristics). There was no resentment or anger in this note, just love. I didn't write this letter to win her back; but only to give myself closure and to let her know all of the things I was able to tell her in the past that I am unable to do now because I can't see her anymore.

Thanks again everyone

[amicon]

Best of luck and take good care of yourself.

[talaniman]

You know it occurred to me that at one time I was confused after a break up, and being dumped seemingly out of the blue, and needed closure to understand what went wrong and if it could be fixed.

Well it wasn't until I had to do the dumping did I fully realize that feelings for a person can, and do change. Hard to say why, as we are humans but the reasons are so many and none of them makes a hill of beans.

Closure comes not from them explaining things to you, because half the time they will never know themselves why they have this change in heart, but in ACCEPTING that something has changed for whatever reasons and you have to bow out gracefully, and keep your dignity, and self respect.

Glad the letter made you feel better because most times those thank you for the time letters do nothing but cause more problems, whether they respond back or not. Just another thing to wonder about and distract you from moving beyond the break up.

What's done is done, and glad you got what you were after. Now you can continue doing your thing without her.

[Blindsided]

Thank you for the responses. They definitely help right now. I agree with you Talaniman; but it's just hard for me to comprehend her change of heart right now. So it's tough. She let me down hard too; which salted the wound. We spoke of marriage, which I've never discussed with a girlfriend before. We both knew it felt right. But when we broke up she said she did it with every man she's dated; even guys she dated for as little as a month.

It's hard, emotionally, understanding how she dropped off so fast; and why I can't identify with it. That is the hardest part that hurts more than anything. It's like part of my future got erased from something I can't comprehend; so it gets hard to see anything at all beyond the day it ended.

I hope my letter doesn't make things worse. I just wanted to tell her I always wanted happiness for her during our time; but maybe the only way to provide that for her now is to let it be. It's just a tough pill to swallow because it means I failed her, and the last resort is better than me.

Maybe I had this coming; but situations like these I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Thank you guys for the responses

[Fr_Chuck]

And often a "week" with someone, is different than a weekend, perhaps she saw this as a idea of what the future of always together may be and decided it was not what she wanted.

The main issue is , most likely you will never know the real reason, even if she told you another "reason" most likely it is just trying to break up without it being a messy fight

[Blindsided]

A valid point Chuck. She mentioned during the breakup that she was beginning to not want me there deep down by Monday night. So I think my chances of having a fighting chance foe a future were dashed from the get go. Now I'm sure I'm making myself sound just awful to live with; but I couldn't tell you for the life of me any negative situations that happened for her to feel like that by Friday. None the less Monday.

I think Talaniman brings a great perspective on his statement you need have the experience in being the one that executes a breakup. Because then you know what it is like to have a change of heart that warrants such action. I broke up with a girl in college because I had a change in heart; and my reasons I told her weren't the root, but I'd simply just had a change of heart. I couldn't explain why, and I wasn't even sure I even knew what I really wanted; but I ended it.

The level and seriousness of this past relationship was on a larger and deeper scale; but as much as it hurts, the only answer appears to just accept it and do my time until the sting of this breakup stings less and less

[talaniman]

The level and seriousness of this past relationship was on a larger and deeper scale; but as much as it hurts, the only answer appears to just accept it and do my time until the sting of this breakup stings less and less

You nailed it! Your battle is with coping with your own feelings, and though the solution is simple, it's the hardest thing you will ever do in life. Battling YOURSELF!

It doesn't matter what life throws at us, all that matters is how we handle ourselves as we go through it. Just decide for yourself what you are going to do about this situation, and just do it! Sounds so simple, but trust me, I know its not! But do it any way. Just do your own thing without her, and it will get better.

[Blindsided]

I have posted before on an abrupt breakup; earlier this week actually. Now, after still feeling the sting, I want to see if I missed some red flags as to our relationship and maybe her maturity level in relationships. I try to be as specific as possible; and provide an example as to what happened to explain the red flag. These red flags were throughout the relationship so I will provide a time as to when it happened for additional detail.

1) She has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months (which was us) - She is almost 30 years of age, and has never lasted longer than 6 consecutive months in a relationship. I found this out in the second month we were dating.

2) She would really exaggerate details or tell stories that seemed altered to make herself look better in the story. I actually caught onto this the more we dated and would have to specifically ask her if "that's how it really went down"; most of the times I found out that she wasn't telling me the whole story, or excluding details that were crucial to her case. Now these stories were usually about something or someone else she disagreed with, or was talking bad about behind their backs (even her sisters). Probably found this out in month two.

3) She would totally turn into this party girl when she was around her friends; a side that I did not like because she became rude to me in front of them, and she couldn't handle drinking to well (emotionally). I would ask if she really liked partying and this was something that was important to her and she would always deny it. I have nothing against partying; but the way you treat someone else when your comfortable around someone else's friends shouldn't involve rude behavior right? Found this out probably month 3 (reoccured through breakup). It also made me concerned that she would do something like cheat behind my back when she was drunk because she was so different (which I believe I began to become more untrusting towards her, which was my fault).

4) She complained constantly about her job, her day, or anything else that didn't go her way; literally almost everyday. At first I would provide support and solutions, but she would either indicate that it wouldn't work (my solution) or appear to not listen. These were the same problems week in and week out; throughout our whole relationship, so nothing changed with her life outside of us (job wise). Knew this since the first month

5) She was a "know it all". She was always right, and everyone else was generally wrong. She wouldn't back down from an argument (on anything, outside of our relationship). I think I also have qualities of this; but improved after my best friend called me out a couple years ago. I had to take a step back and realize he was right; so I changed for the better. Knew this since the first month.

6) She brought up the same problems she had regarding our relationship, every month, and never looked towards the future to fix them (always reverted). Some of these problems were new; but warrantless. She once randomly accused me of "never wanting to go to any of her family's stuff". So the best defense I had was; "ok, name somethings that I refused to go to. I thought I went to everything you asked me to go to". She couldn't name any. And thankfully, she apologized for that like a week later. But don't worry, she didn't forget her initial thought of me not attending family stuff with her; she brought it up again warrantlessly in the future. Month 3

7) She would always accuse me of being condencending towards her job. Her accusation stemmed from me trying to get her to see the big picture of her job, and that things DO get better (don't use tunnel vision and focus only on the present). Also, me suggesting that my job has a lot of stress compared to hers made her so angry; which lead to her accusing me of being condensending (which is the last thing I would ever want to do). This is coupled maybe by me indirectly being tired of hearing her complain about the same things in her job with no resolution on her part. Month 4 or 5 maybe?

8) She was secretive about stupid things; and sometimes bigger things about her. Her friends, her past, daily stuff. Her answers would also change if I asked about them again in the future. This really bothered me; but she just seemed like a scatter brained person, so I didn't really try to dwell on it. However, the straw that broke the camel's back (was 2 or 3 weeks before we broke up); is I randomly figured out she was hiding her Facebook activity. I asked her about it, as nice as I could and with little aggression; and she lied to my face. I knew she was lying because I could tell (she gets awkward), and she admitted she was. I found out she hid a friend she added, which happened to be a guy she met at a bar her co-ed sports league would go to after games on Sunday. I had mentioned the fact earlier that I didn't like her going to bars on Sunday night (in which sometimes she would play drinking games, and frankly, an almost 30 year old girl shouldn't be interested in that). I told her I trusted her; but not the situation she was putting herself in. Facebook hide happened late month 5; bar scenarios happened month 3-4.

9) She would get upset if she wouldn't commit to a weekend plan (because it wasn't what she wanted to do); and become either accusing or cold. Month 3 maybe?

10) If she did something wrong (to me, someone else, or her sisters), she would always justify it. If I put my input on the scenario if it didn't involve me; it didn't matter, she was right. This involved either her just telling me something that happened, or something she had done that hurt someone's feelings (including mine sometimes). This was coupled with her turning the negative situation around on whoever she was speaking about (including me if I was involved)

I know I did things wrong in our relationship too; but I want to say a lot of the reasons things started going south is because I was dealing with all of these scenarios throughout the months we dated. So I'm sure I became untrusting, maybe ruder, and paranoid. I hated feeling like that; but I began to believe me getting upset at these things was my problem (not hers).

Sorry this was so long; but I had to run it past an objective group (outside of my friends, since they can be biased).

thanks again everyone

[talaniman]

She is who she is and you wanted to change her, and it didn't work.

You tried, but things ran there course, and ended. Accept it, move on, understanding will come later.

To early in the healing process for this much thinking. You were not compatible in the long run. No fault, just happens.