[nika48]

I've been trying to have a reconnection with my ex boyfriend. The breakup was his idea because of the way I treated him irrationally (which I terribly regret and have now done anything I could to work on my behavior, and he knows this). I went to therapy and have given him space. Its been a couple months since the break, and I feel great about the fact that I feel we can have a healthy relationship. However, he has the upper hand because he knows he showed me what he could in the relationship, and I made the mistakes. We had no physical contact for a couple months, but have kept in rare contact over phone and text messages. All of our conversations have been pleasant but I can tell he has been hesitant to talk to me.. or possibly indifferent. Most of our contact had been me initiating it.
He knows I've been wanting to make amends and be close with him again, but does not show much of that on his end. Anyway, yesterday was the first day we saw each other after the break up and it went fine. We met at his house, the contact was brief and pleasant and, for me, I loved seeing him. Today, we planned on meeting at his house again, to finish up a project. Basically, there was a miscommunication and he was not at his house. The miscommunication came from him. He apologized over the phone and I was bummed. He asked if he could make me breakfast tomorrow, and of course I want to, but I said I didn't know if I could. Many of the arguments we had in the past were because of miscommunications on his part. After we got off the phone, he sent me a text message saying, "you hate me again now, huh?"

I text messaged him back that said I thought it was just a miscommunication and that if he still wanted to do breakfast, to let me know. I haven't gotten a response.

Does anyone have any insight to my situation? I want him to know how much I care, but I don't know how to approach it other than to be open to spending time with him again and try to make him feel good about himself. I'm trying not to overdo it, and he knows I want to try to make things work again. We had been together for many years and he's so important to me. I can't stop dwelling on this!

[chuff]

This sounds like some kind of test. I wouldn't do anything until he contacts you again. If and when he does and if and when you meet up again or pursue this relationship, I'd tell him that that you have taken steps to better yourself and list them. But also tell him that while you recognize you were not perfect, and not expecting perfection but you would also be expecting a better attempt at the relationship and communication is one of the attempts that would need improvement from to continue moving forward. I think it's fair for him to ask you to improve in some areas, but at the same time, he's got to step up as well.

[Sumitkumar7266]

It's nice that u are again with him.. Give some time to your relation.Try to adjust with all the mistakes he is doing at least for know if you really want to accept him with all his miscommunication or mistakes.. Spend some time.. Don't argue or fight with him.. One day he will be with you again with the same love and he will try not to do mistakes from his side..

[talaniman]

All I see is you getting dumped and doing all the changing, all the trying, and all the work, while he sits back and lets you.

I would not be comfortable with the efforts he puts in, and maybe he is testing you to see if you have changed.

What's lost here is will he be willing to work as hard as you to make things work?

Only you can answer that question.

[nika48]

Thank you all. I appreciate your input so much! I saw him today and we hung out at his house for a little bit (maybe an hour). He seemed pretty distracted much of the time but I tried really hard to keep my spirits up. After a little while, we were sitting on the couch and I told him he was my best friend. He said I was his too, but that he knew he couldn't be a boyfriend figure to me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings, and he knows he would. I'm guessing what he means by that is that he's hurt my feelings in the past because I took a lot of things personally that I shouldn't have and I know this.
Anyway, I just told him that he didn't have to worry about my feelings in the same way he had to before because I know that I can only make myself happy, but I said I understand and that since he feels this way, I completely agree we should not be together... which is true, but I want his mind to change without him walking all over me.
It just seems so complicated to me because of all we've been through. We had broken up in the past (my decision) for about a year and a half and he always wanted to get back together. Finally we did, and it seems to have been ruined again, now because of me. In total, its been over seven years that we have been involved with one another, and I just can't look forward without thinking about him.

[nika48]

I know that he is not willing to put in the effort right now because he tried in the past and feels it got him nowhere. I do understand that. I guess I just want to get him to the point where he does want to put in the effort again, the way he used to.

[talaniman]

As hard as it is, you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, even if they were willing before, fact is he is not willing now.

This is something you must accept, for your own good.