[HorrorQueen]

Hi, this may be a little long but I'm desperate so I'd be grateful if you'd bear with me and read it, I'd love any advice.

I'm a 21 year old gay girl and have been with my girlfriend for 6 1/2 years. I've always been pretty jealous, never liking her having close friends or anybody she would be really comfortable with. It was never much of a problem and if I didn't like anybody she would usually cut them out of her life for me. I'm not saying that's right, just how we got on, and everything was perfect. We got on so so well, we hardly ever argued, the sex was always amazing and we had a blast just being together.

She has recently been off work ill, with severe anxiety issues. She needed me with her day and night and I did everything I could to get her better and well again. Thankfully she is now feeling much better and has gone back to work full time. However, we have been having the biggest problems of our relationship recently because my jealousy is completely out of control. I am paranoid and controlling, and it is destroying everything we ever had. Since she went back to work, she has become close to a guy there, she was friends with him before but now she says he is like a best friend because he has really supported her while she has been struggling with work (it was work that caused part of her anxiety problems). I am extremely jealous of this guy. She has admitted to me that he has told her he wants to sleep with her, and used to text her inappropriate things, before she put a stop to it. Because she is getting better she is going out more and more with colleagues and this guy always seems to be there. He phones and texts her a lot and each time her phone goes my heart beats so hard and I often feel close to tears.

She has reassured me constantly that nothing is going on, but I have to ask her every time her phone goes who is texting, who is calling and I've begged and begged her to break all contact with him but she won't. Often she won't show me the texts because she says it's the principle.

The trust is all gone, and I can't stand for her to go on a night out without telling me exactly where she is and who she is with. She has told a few little lies, such as it is not him texting or he is not out, and when I found out she said it was so we didn't argue any more. Today I listened in on her conversation and she blew up at me for spying. She said if I don't control the jealousy now she is leaving me.

We have been through so much together, but we are no longer close because if she goes out, goes on the phone or texts I usually always start an argument. Recently she would rather be out of the house than here with me, and I think she's falling out of love with me.

She reassures me constantly that she is not and would never cheat on me, but the sex is gone and we are losing all of our closeness. She says she can't reassure me and repeat herself every day for the rest of her life, but I don't know how to stop being so jealous and possessive and paranoid. How can I do this? And how can I make her fall back in love with me? She says I'm no fun anymore, just depressed all the time but I don't know how to put the fun back.

I don't know how to fix this at all but neither of us wants to break up. I have to change and I have no idea where to start.

[Wondergirl]

You do realize, don't you, that your jealousy is driving her away?

My suggestion is that you immediately get yourself to a counselor and talk about this.

You write very well, are very articulate -- so well and articulate that I was depressed by the time I got to the end. Cheer me up and find a counselor to help you mend this relationship!

[Jake2008]

I am sorry that you are unable to control those emotions that are making life miserable. For you, and for your girlfriend.

There is no making sense out of jealousy, or possessiveness, or the need to control the life of another person to such a degree as you have indicated. This becomes more obvious, because I do believe it is something that you clearly see is ruining the relationship. You are smart enough to know the damage that has been done, and continues to be done, and no matter how much you try, you cannot stop yourself.

These are all the signs that, if you don't deal with them, and correct them now, your current relationship, and all future relationships, will also eventually become the same, with the same doubts, insecurity, and jealousy. For a partner to be continuously under a microscope even for simple conversations with co workers, it becomes tiresome, and overwhelming.

Please see if you can't get yourself into counselling to learn how to turn your thinking around. It isn't so much about the individual thoughts you have, it is how you deal with them in a positive way, not a destructive way. There are steps to learn to turn this around, and in so doing you will be more comfortable with yourself, and more comfortable in any relationship.

I also note that you were only 14 1/2 if I read you right, when you entered the relationship you are in now. Because of your lack of maturity and experience in relationships, I find it quite amazing that the relationship has lasted this long- there must be an awful lot of good qualities you possess.

And I wonder if there aren't other things going on in the relationship, that actually are out of your control, and perhaps your feelings revolve around the evolution of the relationship itself? Could it be that your partner has changed after her illness, and wants more freedom, or time on her own? I hope that the two of you talk honestly, and that is another point I wanted to make. If things are turning sour, perhaps your partner is unable to bring up things with you, because of the way you react.

It's quite possible that both of you together would benefit with a little counselling from a therapist who can put both of you in a position of talking, listening, and understanding eachother's point of view.

I highly doubt that you are 100% responsible for how things are right now. My guess is, that until you are heard, and your partner is heard, there is much under the surface that needs to be resolved. So, until the two of you can be comfortable in the same place, and free to express your thoughts and feelings, try not to be too hard on yourself.

[HorrorQueen]

Wondergirl - I do realise that my jealousy is driving her away, and I'm desperate not to drive her into the arms of someone else just because they are treating her better than I am at the moment. I want to make her happy, and I'm going to try to do anything I can to do that and to overcome this terribly jealousy. It is starting to make me feel as though I'm losing my mind. I am going to make an appointment with the doctors and see if I can get some sort of counselling, because I just don't think I can do it alone. On reflection, after the anger and upset of today's arguments (I listened in on her phone conversation, the worst thing I've ever done in our relationship - I am truly ashamed) I can't actually believe how supportive my partner is being. She has given me chance after chance and talked with me about ways we can improve our relationship, she is being really quite amazing about all of this and it is just making me feel more humiliated and awful about how I must be making her feel.

Jake - I know it must be overwhelming for her, she admitted she has started going out more and coming back later just so that she doesn't have to deal with the constant bickering when she is here and the constant questioning when she gets back in. I hassle her about why she is back late, even if it isn't actually particularly late, where she has been and who with. It's awful and she doesn't deserve it at all. We have survived so long because we were really good friends, we still are when we get along, and we never had problems. We were madly in love until my jealousy and super-possessiveness took control of our lives. As I said above, I feel as though I am going mad. I can see that my behaviour is incredibly destructive, sometimes I can even see at the point of an argument that I am in the wrong, and yet I am powerless to stop it. I feel like a terrible person, even directly after an argument I will still question the next text she sends. She won't show me them now, she says out of principle, but it drives me to distraction.

I think she is definitely wary of bringing issues up with me because of how I may react, and I suspect she deliberately leaves information out, such as if this particular friend will be on a night out, just to avoid the arguments and hassle I will give her. Right now, I can see that would be the reason, but in a fit of jealousy I would see it as she was hiding it because she wanted to be with him.

I think she does want more time alone now, whether that is because she is regaining her confidence after her illness or because she is reluctant to spend time with me at the moment, I am unsure. I do know that we hardly spend any time together anymore, and while this is hardly surprising it does hurt. I want to find a way to make her actually want to spend time with me again, to have that feeling of wanting to rush home at night to see me. I'm just a little in the dark at the moment of how to make that happen. Your idea of counselling really strikes me as a good thing to do. I will try to contact the doctors to get some, although I don't think we will have the money for couples counselling for a little while, unfortunately.

Thank you so much for your responses, all advice is very gratefully received. I am willing to try absolutely anything to make this work, we have been through so much together and been together so long (all of my aduly life, in fact, and most of my teenage years) that I don't want to throw it all away like this.

[Wondergirl]

Like Jake said, you need to control her. Where is that coming from? Is there something different in your life or health or in hers? Maybe it's coming from her recent illness? You were afraid of losing her somehow, emotionally or physically, so the control of her every move is your way of "guaranteeing" you won't?

And this comes down to how you feel about yourself.

[Jake2008]

I do believe you are sincere, not a doubt in my mind.

It is a bright light to me in an otherwise situation that most couples would not be inclined to even admit problems, and when admitted to (such as you have done so honestly), not blame their partner for their behaviour.

You have already made the choice to change, and you realize this has to start with yourself. That is a tremendous step right there. I am glad your partner sounds like the type of person who will encourage and support you in this, just as you have done for her when she needed you the most.

I wish you all the best, and I hope that you'll write again as things go along. Take good care of yourself.

[talaniman]

Not unusual for young people to not know how to cope with, or express their emotions, as new feelings emerge, and they have to find the right ways to cope with those fears. Relax and think before you act, or speak, and you won't make things worse as you cope with those intense, distracting feelings, and may even find some good solutions to your problems once you handle yourself, and your problems in more useful ways.

Jealousy, like insecurity is based in fear, and your fear starts with not knowing how best to cope with yourself, your feelings, and keeping your partner. When you feel those jealous impulses rising, stop and think about what is it that you are jealous about, before you do something about it. You just might calm down enough to see a better solution.

[HorrorQueen]

That's very good advice talaniman, thank you. I've been trying to stop and think before I say things, because at the moment most of what I say is based in my jealousy/paranoia and isn't right or fair so is resulting in more arguments. You're correct in saying that my jealousy is based in fear, I'm terrified of losing my partner but the more I pull her to me and try to exclude the people I see as threats, the further I'm pushing her away because of my behaviour. I am trying really hard though, to change how I'm acting and thinking to save this brilliant relationship.

On a lighter note, we had a much better day today. We have decided just to take things one day at a time, because we are both desperate for it to work but to do that we have to pretty much start from scratch and build things up.
Today C called me from work and said she had booked the afternoon off for us to spend some time together, because last night I asked her if it was possible for us to have some time to reconnect. I was really touched that she did this because she is mega busy at work at the moment and it felt really nice to be wanted after so much fighting. We had a lovely lunch and actually managed just to talk and chat without mentioning the troubles we've been having, which was a breakthrough because for a while it was all we were able to talk about. Then we came home and just watched TV and chatted, then went for a cuddle and we spoke until she fell asleep. It's been a really lovely day and has made me much more positive about the situation, because it was just like old times.

I am really worried about Friday, however, because prior to my first post in this thread, C basically said that if there was any more jealousy she was breaking up with me because neither of us can carry on with it at that level. I begged her to give me a chance and she said that she is going out with work this Friday and she would then stay at her Mums and come back on Saturday morning. The guy that I am paranoid about is going to be there, and she said that if I could act normally (and not call her 20+ times and text her continually) then she would know that I am really willing to change my behaviour. I totally am willing to do it, and I will absolutely stick to it but I am really panicked about it. I think it's going to be one of the hardest nights I've ever had, because the purpose of her staying out is to see if I will trust that she is where she says she is. Most of our problems are about the fact that I am finding it incredibly hard to trust her and this is really going to push me to the limit. At least if we get through Friday we will know we are on the road to recovery. I am scared though, any tips on how I should handle it?

Thanks for all your advice

[talaniman]

This sounds like a test on whether you can control yourself. The best thing you can do is make a plan to enjoy yourself on your own, and have a great time and compare notes the next day.

The thing is, no matter what you do, let her have a great time too. That's the goal. Let her have a great time with no grief later.

I use to count to ten, as many times as it took to stay on control of some very strong intense feelings. Still do. Being able to stay cool, calm, and collected no matter where you are or how you feel, is a coping skill that has to be practiced over, and over again, even if you have to fake it, until you make it.

Takes time. Good luck!

[HorrorQueen]

Thanks a lot talaniman, that's very helpful. That is a very good goal to set myself, you're spot on. She has to have a great time without worrying what hassle there will be from me when she gets home. I'll keep re-reading that tomorrow if I'm having a hard time!

I'll definitely try the counting to ten trick, I'm wiling to try anything to keep myself calm because I cause so much damage by blowing up when in reality, in my non-jealous mind, there is always a reasonable explanation. I've started to keep a diary so I can record my feelings and afterwards go back objectively and assess what I assumed and what was the actual truth; it's slowly helping me realise that 9/10 I was unreasonable for no reason.

I'll be trying counting to ten tomorrow evening, it sounds like a technique that I will need to practice but if I get it I think it will really help, so thank you. I'm planning on catching up on my reading while she is out tomorrow, I am going to have my phone switched on but away from me so I won't be as tempted to keep checking up on her and basically I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe I'll come on here and try and get lost in helping some other people so I might forget my own problems for a while!

As ever, thank you so much for your help
HQ x