[L1lypad]

Recently in the past few months my husband has been getting really down. He constantly talks to me about stuff he did wrong when he was a younger, like being mean to old friends, or not doing or saying things he thinks he should have. Yesterday he told me he stole 100 dollars from a friend in high school and he told me they didn't know but he was suspected of doing it; he said he lost his friends over it and he never came clean. I tried telling him it was just a hundred bucks and most importantly it's in the past. I even suggested he try and talk to his old friends if he is really bothered about it, and I told him no matter what he has me now, but he just dosen't want to hear it he just goes on with another story. Not much has changed since we got married three years ago I work at the court house and he works at the lumber mill. Just lately he has really been getting down on himself and it is starting to rub off on me, he has been getting really restless and he seems tired all the time.

I am sure he is depressed but I don't know what over, he got a pay raise at work and everything has been going great, we have no debt to worry about, I just don't understand why he is focusing so much on the past. When he tells me stuff he just tells it to me and has no interest in discussing it, he just listens to my input and either says nothing or tells give me another story. This is usually right before we go to sleep to, he seems fine during the day, he has no problems discussing work or the news or anything with me. I just don't know what to do, I feel like asking him to go see a psychologist about it but I know he will say no, he won't even go to the doctor for his knee that's been giving him problems for awhile.

Any suggestions?

[J_9]

He does indeed sound clinically depressed. One doesn't need problems in their lives to be depressed, as it is a chemical imbalance.

It may be a good idea to get him into your GP for a check up. Go with him if he won't go alone. Talk to the GP.

[KBC]

Night time is the time I usually internalize also,it's the winding down time,time to self examine.etc.

He seems to be obsessing over all things negative, this is the clinical depression J-9 is referring to.Once there is an imbalance in the chemicals in the brain,the process(if not halted or treated)seems to snowball in certain people, there are millions who have this and either don't or won't get help.. I didn't get the help I needed 'till my marriage and entire life was upside down...

Your persistence and support will be necessary for him to take the steps to get the help he needs.Depression makes us feel less than,that all things have a bleak outcome,that the raise he got he isn't deserving of,etc.It's a black cloud hanging over our heads that only we can see.

You are getting the blues from him, a relationship nightmare for many(see Divorce rates among the depressed,diagnosed and undiagnosed)

Sorry for the long post, I am near and dear to this issue and don't want anyone to suffer unnecessarily if it's possible to get help so easily!

[Jake2008]

That he is ruminating about parts of his past doesn't necessarily make him clinically depressed. Nor does him being 'down', or 'having the blues'. That you don't mention that he has been affected in other ways, such as he has been calling in, missing work, sleeping all the time, he's not eating, or eating too much, or shows no interest in everyday activities that he used to, maybe self-medicating, etc. I wonder if there isn't something else going on.

The plus is, he is talking, and you are listening. If these stories he is telling you aren't resolved with just talking them out, try another approach. The $100 he took for instance. You telling him it isn't a big deal, but it being a big deal to him, isn't something he can just justify by accepting that it's 'ony' a hundred dollars. Tell him to make a donation of a hundred dollars to a local charity. If he's feeling that he was mean to people in his past, suggest he volunteer at a local club or organization as 'pennance' to make up for it.

I would start keeping track of what he is saying, and what positive suggestion you give him to resolve any particular story. You are feeling down now yourself because there is no moving forward with what is bothering him. You are allowing yourself to be available and willing to listen to him, without him listening to you as you said, or, accepting suggestions to resolve things. That is where it might be time to tell him that you have tried your best, but his constant ruminating about the past, is beginning to affect you.

If he is not willing to make changes, listen and talk about how to resolve these stories that he tells you, and doesn't understand how it is making you feel, you could inadvertently be enabling him to just keep dumping his past on you for temporary relief from the guilt, by not setting some reasonable boundaries yourself.

He needs to know that although you are there for him, it is difficult to keep going over and over the past without him trying to talk out solutions. Ask him what he expects you to do, because listening and not being heard in return, isn't getting either of you anywhere.

I am not sure how old he is, but perhaps one condition of dealing with all of this is him going for a complete physical. I would advise the Doctor in advance about your worries to his emotional health, because this has gone on already for two months. That is the place to start, and is not an unreasonable expectation on your part. If he won't talk about it to you, then send him an email. Outline your concerns, how it is affecting you, and it is time to take steps to address the situation.

If he is diagnosed by a qualified Doctor as being clinically depressed, there will be options for him. Only one of which is medication. That may only solve part of the problem, and counselling might be recommended as well.

My advice to you is to treat this as any other problem that comes up in a marriage. Work toward finding a solution. Listening to him alone, isn't solving anything, other than he probably feels better venting, but that will have you continuously dealing with the aftermath of that, without any resolve.

I think it is perfectly reasonable of you, to have some expectations of him.