[SimplyChristina]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 1 month. Before we started dating, I was a rebelious, broken girl due to my last relationship. Ex had broken up with me through a text and I found out after our relationship that he hooked up with a few of my so called "friends".

When me and my current boyfriend started dating, I wasn't insecure at all and I was never jealous. Pretty confident with myself. Then after 6 months of dating he told me he was still watching porn, which we earlier made clear that I didn't like it and he said he wouldn't watch anymore. He told me he stopped watching it and then 6 months in I asked if he still was and he said yeah.

Then and there I felt betrayed and like our 6 months weren't real. Just a lie. I felt like I wasn't enough for him and I couldn't satisfy him. Honestly I don't care if you're single and watch that sort of thing but if you're in a relationship it's wrong. So after that big fight, I've been very insecure and haven't trusted my boyfriend completely since then.

I know he doesn't do it anymore because I made him see how bad it hurt me. But now he's going to college and I'm scared out of my mind that he's going to befriend some females and I'm so very uncomfortable with it. I hate the fact that other girls would be talking to my boyfriend... he says he rarely talks to girls or checks them out but it's so hard to believe. Especially because I know his friends. Most of them are single and always talk about getting girls and I'm sure there's more but he doesn't tell me.

Our 1 Year was pretty bad. We went to this big concert and there were thousands of girls in skimpy outfits. I was insecure the whole time and I felt like he was looking at all of them. Then we went to the front of the stage and these stupid guys kept on chanting "lets see tits" and stupid girls starting getting on peoples shoulders and flashing the crowd. I started crying instantly. My boyfriend pulled me out of the crowd and promised he didn't see anything. But yesterday he brought it up and he's like who cares if I did or not, it's just flesh and that's why I'm more mature than you. I feel like my issues are going to tear us apart and honest to god I want to spend the rest of my life with him and he does too. He said he wants to marry me and have children with me but I'm just so scared of losing him and scared that he'll just lie to me again about all the things that hurt me.

We've talked about my issues countless number of times and I just wish he would see from my side. He has a carefree attitude and he wants to be able to do whatever he wants but in a relationship, there are things you have to sacrifice for each other to make one another happy. There's a give and take from both sides and I don't know if he gets that. And that's not me trying to change who he is just me changing what he does because it's not okay in a relationship. He's done a lot for me but our relationship is equal. He can't have any female friends and I don't have any guy friends. We both talk to different sexes but that's all it can be. Is talk. He covers his eyes in movies if there's nudity and I would do the same but rarely are there movies with penis in it. He can think whatever he wants but his actions is where change has to come into play & he's always saying I'm trying to change him.

I have no idea what to do. I have no friends to vent to so I come here to try and get advice... I need this relationship to work :(

[dwidrick]

Before you try and figure him out I suggest you work on yourself and these insecurities you are having. It is not healthy to have all of this jealousy and petty insecurities about him watching nudity on TV or seeing breasts flashed at concerts. You are only going push him away by acting like this. Having some insecurities about him talking with girls at college however is normal and valid and is why many relationships cannot stand up to that transition, but you have to trust him until he gives you reason not to (I don't consider the porn thing to be that big of an issue... that is my own opinion though so don't take it the wrong way).

Plain and simple... if he cares about you like you say these distractions will be nothing more than distractions. Tell him exactly how you feel and that if something happens with a girl at college that it will be over. There isn't much else you can do besides that, and if that doesn't work than it wasn't meant to be.

[SimplyChristina]

Nudity on TV or movies was never an issue for me and I get its not a big deal but I have an asymetrical chest and I get really depressed when I see a normal set not even perfect but normal even breasts on TV. & it's just so hard trying to accept college. Tons of people go there and I just have that fear that something will happen. I don't trust people... and I've had experience with fake shady friends and that's why I try not to get to close to people. The girls that I use to hang out with were close to me and they ended up hooking up with my ex and I'm just scared something like that will happen again. It's so hard :/

[dwidrick]

You failed to mention why you didn't like the nudity part in the first post... in light of that reasoning that does make more sense so I do understand why you feel that way now. Be confident about yourself is all I can say... makes you much more attractive in your partners eyes :)

The college transition is always one of the harder things a relationship can go through... even being in the same college it can be the same way (coming from personal experience). I am sorry for all of you misfortunes with past friends, but I find trusting someone goes from person to person. You can only do it objectively for each person. You know your BF better than I and trusting him to be faithful is something that you are going to have to do in order to make it work. And as I said you have the power to end it whenever you chose so if you make that clear to him that there will be consequences if he screws up it will only help you. It does no good to stress about something that is essentially out of your hands when you aren't at the same college.

If he loves you he will be faithful to you and the relationship... if not cut your losses and know you deserve better.

[SimplyChristina]

Yeah completely forgot to throw that in there. I'll try my best to be confident :( I know it'll help a lot- just a little hard for me to do so.

I figured college would be hard :( Just don't know how to take it all in. I feel like him going to college is going to be so overwhelming that I won't know how to handle it and I'm going to ruin things. But you're absolutely right. I've got to try putting more trust in him. I'll try my best to follow this advice. Thanks for helping :( I really needed it.

[dwidrick]

Glad I could provide some help.

[talaniman]

Please get some help for your fear and insecurity. Find out how to deal with it because from what you have written, you have already made your issues so much a part of this relationship, no way does it survive.

WHY? Because you expect him to reassure your every fear, no matter how unreasonable it may be and he has already indulged you as much as he can. I don't agree that this is an equal relationship, because I see him doing all the sacrificing of things you find wrong, out of fear, and him going along with it. Your sacrifices are not true sacrifices because you don't like them out of fear.

Shared sacrifice is agreed upon, not manipulated through over the top emotional behavior, and you have made him an appeaser, he has to go along with your demands or pay consequences.

That's your fear working this relationship, and he will tire of it because when he leaves for college you will lose control and do as you are now, acting out of fear, and insecurity, and the time and distance, will make it work.

Get some real help, and guidance to YOUR issues, so you can stop making it HIS problem. Continuing down the path you are on, will surely wear this young love out, and that's not what you want.

[mystific]

When me and my current boyfriend started dating, I wasn't insecure at all and I was never jealous. Pretty confident with myself.

Please don't say that it's just because of Porn this changed. That would have to be the most lamest excuse to lose that confidence. I am one of the most vivacious outgoing women I know. Big bust, curvy as hell and love every inch of it. Suuuurree it'd be great to be slim and less busty.. but wheres the fun in that? Be proud of what you've got. Less or more.. you're born with a kick a$$ figure. Work it, move it.. it's what's in your heart and head that your boyfriend loves the most, anything else you bring to the table is a bonus.

Porn, in my opinion isn't wrong. I used to watch it with my ex. Watch it on my own. It's like an action movie with no clothes on, they jiggle, pathetically staged and you get splinters from the wooden acting. But it's stimulating all the same. Have you attempted to watch one with your boyfriend and perhaps suggest to try a few different ways? Bet you if you stood in front of the TV mid 'showtime' and done a strip tease or lap dance.. that movie would be stopped instantly.

Most of them are single and always talk about getting girls and I'm sure there's more but he doesn't tell me

I wouldn't tell you either. Because whether you believe him or not.. it's just not worth the aggravation.

I was insecure the whole time and I felt like he was looking at all of them. Then we went to the front of the stage and these stupid guys kept on chanting "lets see tits" and stupid girls starting getting on peoples shoulders and flashing the crowd. I started crying instantly. My boyfriend pulled me out of the crowd and promised he didn't see anything.

Really? How old are you? Hun, your boyfriend deserves a medal. Hes a freakin saint. Rather than acting like some kid whose just been exposed to freakish clowns for the first time.. just go with the flow, make fun of the idiocy of them, so what.. she has tits.. so do most women some have more some have less.. do you purposefully not ever buy magazines because some skimpy cloth wearing million dollar model is posing seductively on the cover in fear that your boyfriend might cheat on you with her?

There's a give and take from both sides and I don't know if he gets that

No there isn't.. you're not willing to understand that he is a male. Men like to look. Doesn't mean they're going to touch. But why can't he? He's not 'cheating'... what's he supposed to do.. walk around blindfolded? I don't think you understand the two way street mechanic.

He covers his eyes in movies if there's nudity and I would do the same but rarely are there movies with penis in it

Again... really? I want to give this guy a medal. And a halo. And a shackle.. perhaps a chain and a ball.. with red hot pokers for his eyes.. maybe ear muffs so he can't hear anything as well...

I have no idea what to do. I have no friends to vent to so I come here to try and get advice... I need this relationship to work

No, you need a whipping boy who will put you on a pedstal and worship the ground you walk on with blinkers for life in case he happens to stare at someone accidentally that'll just ruin you forever.

You need to grow up. You need to face facts that you have some SERIOUS issues within yourself. You've never been secure or confident in yourself. You lack the ability to have these qualities with the extreme measures you go to, to make him not even acknowledge the other sex. You continue the way you're going and you're going to be looking at the back of ex #2.

Fact: if he goes off with another woman now because of all this... you pushed him away. So you've no one to blame BUT yourself.

So, how do you counter these insecurities. Well firstly, start loving yourself. So what if you aren't so busty. Not all men like busty. Not all men like curves. Not my problem. I like the person I am. I like my body and I'm very comfortable in my own skin. My ex used to look at other women.. make random comments on their butt.. my reply.. mmm maybe.. but mines better. Confidence. You lack it. The more you continue to lose faith in yourself and your ability to trust your boyfriend.. the faster this relationship will be over.

Enjoy your body. Love what it does. The way you move, your own sensuality. Find it. Use it. Don't make unnecessary demands (which I think are just completely diabolical), make him realise what he has.. and he won't have to be 'told' what to do or close his eyes... all he'll be thinking about when he does see them next time is you.

[emopunk7]

Awesome reply, Mystic!

[rabbit15100]

Wow!!

Mystific

That was the most brutal vicious answer I've ever seen, but boy did I like it, you've hit the nail firmly between the eyes.

I have a GF with the same issues, except I've never looked at porn, but her ex did. Its so bad with us that I can't even watch a movie with an attractive female in it, she hit the roof because I wanted to watch James bonds casino Royale, it's a fight everyday when I watch TV, even the commercials for shampoo etc. Well I've got to the point where enoughs enough, and am looking forward to leaving her, she's pushed and pushed and pushed, and now I have emotionally ended this relationship, we have a child together which is unfortunate, but I can't stand it anymore, I long for the days when I could just channel flick without feeling self-concious, christ she won't even go to bed without me in case I'm downstairs seeing something she won't approve of. Geez that was good to vent!

But my advice to you is, change NOW or you are going to make your own worse fears come true.

The strange thing is, when I used to see hot women in movies, id see them and not think much of it, other than she's hot, but now she has ,made me focus more on the women than I used to, now I notice every single woman on a film or on the street, so she has made her worst fears come true. Just my 2 pennys worth!

Good lick

[Jesskis]

So what EXACTLY do we have to do to get over these feelings. This is literally a sickness, a disease that we can't easily get rid of. I've always been a jealous girl. Especially when I was younger with my dad. And then he left us and I guess my jealousy/ insecurities unraveled. I seriously NEED help because it sucks living like this. In this constant doubting mentality. Trust me, guys, we HATE feeling like this. I wish I could be cool and be like "yeah she's cute". I've tried to do it but inside I'm seriously so ****ing mad and sad and torn. It's ridiculous!