[diane3]

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. We have had many drunken fights that have lead to him breaking up with me. Because of this I have felt that he never really loved me. After one of these break ups, I ended up sleeping with a mutual friend the next night, though I am closer to this friend then he is. I wanted to fill a void, drunk, but still was very much in love with my "ex". We ended up getting back together after one month (which in that time frame he slept with two other girls), but he continued to say that I cheated on him. Then, a few weeks later we got into another fight. I was really drunk, he was angry because I wasn't paying him a lot of attention, so he ended up leaving where we were at. Again, drunk and feeling rejected, I assumed that he wanted to end things, so I said it was over, and later that night I made out with another guy.
We are trying to work things out, I do love him very much and hate the fact that I hurt him. He says that I have cheated on him twice, which bothers me because I think of cheating as something that you do while in a relationship, and both times I really felt that it was over and, though not good, sought out other people to make me feel better. Is it cheating? And how to I try to explain to him that I don't believe I did cheat, not to make myself look better, but to get him to understand that I do love him and only have wanted to be with him?

[ken007nielsen]

But that isent really the case is it? You haven't only wanted to be with him, because if you had - you wouldent have slept or made out with anyone else.

The fact that he brakes up with you each time the two of you are drunk suggest that he's immature and this relationship is NEVER going to work.

On the brief description of your relationship, I'm inclined to think that's he very insecure about himself and demands your full attention, and I'm guessing he also abit of a controlfreak?

You meantion he left you one night in anger, and you assumed he wanted to break up with you so you made out with another guy? That's cheating!

The night you had sex with the guy, the first one - did he actually say I want to end this relationship before you had sex with the other one?
Because as you said yourself: (I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. We have had many drunken fights that have lead to him breaking up with me) exactly at what point did he actually break up with you?

[summer_girl]

Are you always going to seek out other people to make you feel better any time there's a problem? I think that's what he's getting at.

I think you are both caught up on the technicalities of cheating in order not to focus on your relationship problems such as the role that alcohol plays, how a fight always leads to someone saying it's over, and how you respond to feeling rejected and/or upset.

I'm not really sure that anyone can referee this dispute. Have you considered counseling to help you go forward if you both really want to work it out? If you stay together, you WILL have other times of anger and you should find a better way to work out your problems than what you have been doing.

[diane3]

For the first situation, he said that he didn't want to be with me, it wasn't going to work, so I said fine its over, and the next day I slept with someone. The second time, after he left we texted on the phone, I said it was over cause I felt that he didn't want to really be with me, so yes both times we had said it was over. We have been off and on for a year.

[diane3]

Yea, I think that's what he's getting out too, and I have realized that drinking so much has not done me any favors. But I also felt rejected, and I wanted him to show me that he does want to be with me. So in a way, he breaks up with me every time there is a problem, and then I started seeking out others every time we break up. We have talked about counseling. Thanks for your advise!

[liongal]

Y'all don't need to be together.

[DoulaLC]

IF you are wanting to go the distance with this relationship you are going to need to have some boundaries in place.

Counseling would be a good idea to help you both learn to work through disagreements without his breaking off the relationship each time and you finding yourself in someone else's bed. Really?

Hopefully you both can also find help with your drinking issues as you have pointed out, it obviously does neither of you any favors.

Turn it around... what do you think you would be feeling if you found out he went to another girl the very next day? There is no set rule on what constitutes cheating... each couple makes that distinction for themselves.

OR... it could be as liongal said... you don't need to be together. Maybe the relationship has run it's course and hopefully you both have learned something from the patterns you have set in dealing with another person.

[Jake2008]

It seems from what you have said, that being drunk, either one or both of you together, causes the arguments that end up in all these breakups. It is also causal in the resulting behaviour of the breakup, afterward, as alcohol probably played a decision in sleeping with other men because you were drunk and lonely.

To me, addressing the relationship problems, when the relationship problems are caused by the drinking, should start with two sober people.

When drinking behaviour results in the same consequences over and over, and they are negative, as you have described, I can't see the benefit to couples counselling, without addressing the alcohol issues for both of you. Are you willing and is he willing to start there?

It seems like you are trying to build a building, and the foundation blocks are never cemented well enough to put the first floor on.

[talaniman]

Leave each other alone, stop getting drunk, and maybe you can solve your problems, and they won't be causing you problems.

Try it for a year, and live without the booze, or the boyfriend. It will get better.

[samantha19]

I have been where you are and its not a nice feeling if he left you that night and you went off with someone else well ask yourself first how would you feel if he had of done that to you? And also if your asking the question have I cheated deep down I think you already know the answer. Believe me I'm no saint I did what you did and I ask myself the same question did I cheat or was it OK for me to do it that doesn't matter at the end of the day I'm asking these questions because weather I cheated or not I feel guilty and that's bad enough
Love is a strange thing and when we feel the other half isn't giving enough back we do silly things if you don't do it again which believe me is harder then saying it then I guess you do love him and it was a bump in the road but if you know that you will do it again leave now do you really want to brake his heart yeno?
I hope this helps you some how and you don't feel like I'm judging you I'm not at all I am where you are and I'm just starting to see how much I have messed up and don't what to anymore hope it works out

[samantha19]

Also if he is down about himself just tell him now and again how sorry u are and how much he means to you every little helps :)