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dudya07 · Jan 22, 2007, 02:41 PM

Hi,
I have a huge problem(at least it seems like it to me). My husband said he wanted a divorce 10 months ago ( he said he wasn't ready for marriage then, even though we'd been married for 2.5 years), we've been separated ever since. I was shocked and thought I wouldn't be able to live without him. I was ready to do anything to keep him, I loved him so.
He left, I moved to an apartment, constantly thinking of him. He wouldn't call or write me, unless it was about our separation issues. A couple of months later, I started dating another man; he is in love with me, he is funny, and smart and is ready to do anything for me. I felt OK, what is seemed, but then my ex came over one night, saying he made a huge mistake and that he wanted me back..?
I couldn't do that, I couldn't tell him I was seeing someone else (eventually I did).
I broke up with my boyfriend to be with my husband again, but he was already seeing someone else..? ( at least he was honest about it) I was crushed again... my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend) supported me and helped me in my drama (I didn't tell him why I was so sad) as a friend, he didn't ask for anything in return... Now my husband wants me back again, he is saying that he can't stop thinking about me, he loves me and wants us to be together again. He says: " what else can i do or say to have you trust me again?". I know I have strong feelings for him, I know I think about him a lot... I know we've shared a lot together, he isn't bad, he was just confused at a time. I am seeing my ex-boyfriend again, I feel good around him, he is great, but... he is not my husband, who I think I still love and can't let it go.
Please help me figure it out... am I jesuit complicating something simple? I don't think I would want to marry my boyfriend... I don't know the reason why, I just think I won't... he does want to marry me at some point...
L

thedogghater · Jan 22, 2007, 02:56 PM

It sounds like your husband runs back to you when things are not good for him using you as a back up at all times.as for your boyfriend to stand by you trew this says a lot about him.do and ot be his doormat,he knows that you have strong feelings for him and he is using that.He has seen the grass not greener on the other side.And don't let a good guy go so easy you might regrate it later take some time to yourself and think real hard about it.hope this help some

dudya07 · Jan 22, 2007, 03:03 PM

Thanks "thedogghater", I know that would be the right thing to do, but my heart doesn't let it go. Is there a tool to kick him out of my heart and mind for good?

thedogghater · Jan 22, 2007, 03:11 PM

If u do not have kids with him I would stop talking too him for starters.And if you believe that strong for him maybe some marriage class would help you both.But I would have to say I believe it would be a sad mistake in the long run and you will be right back at being sadd again I wish you the best

dudya07 · Jan 22, 2007, 05:34 PM

We got no kids, but we have a great history. I left my country for him... this isn't one of those cases, where a girl needs citizenship. I left evth for him, he and I were one whole...
Can someone be so cruel, or is he just stupid and doesn't know what he wants?? :(

thedogghater · Jan 22, 2007, 05:57 PM

Its hard to say.sounds like u are very hurt about this.just take some time to yourself explore some option,live,have fun and be happy lifes short u don't have to have a man to be happy.give it time see what he does and try not to make yourself there for him all the time

dudya07 · Jan 22, 2007, 06:12 PM

Thanks a bunch:) you have boosted my spirit! I need to get over it

talaniman · Jan 23, 2007, 06:18 AM

You need a good long break from your husband where you have no contact with him at all. To continue seeing his cheating azz and be disrespected over and over is not healthy, and not fair for you to have a boyfriend who is caught in the middle of all this BS.

dudya07 · Jan 23, 2007, 08:08 AM

I agree, this BS does have to end... and my BF doesn't deserve to suffer from it. I just need to get my brains back... its just my heart goes back and forth...
I think stupidity and being very naïve and hopeful is my problem.
Thanks for your help

thebbk · Jun 24, 2007, 08:07 AM

It took me about 2 yrs to get past a my daughters loser father after 16 yrs together on and off, he didn't want to be in a relationship either at least not with me. Now you have no children and have a boyfriend so you are so far ahead of the game it isn't funny. This man doesn't want you to be happy, he only "wants you back" when you are happy. He is using you. DO NOT TALK TO HIM AT ALL!! This is what it will take, when you think of good times you have had in the past then remember how it felt when he left you. That way you will remember he isn't worth your time. Don't dwell on the "good" times because that is what keeps you from moving forward. If you would ever get back with him all this would happen again take it from 16 yrs of being a loser and taking someone back only to end up alone and where I am now. Once again at least you have a boyfriend. You will get past him but you must do what it takes to do it.

Inspired · Jun 24, 2007, 08:07 PM

Sometimes we want something that is not good for us. Maybe you got used to the "drama and passion" that your husband brings to your life. Maybe you are missing that drama in your current relationship with your boyfriend. Well your boyfriend won't bring that drama into your life because he seems to be a good man. As far as your husband is concerned, he will continue to drag you down into this roller coaster of depression because he only comes back when he needs to for his own selfish reasons. Maybe you are more addicted to the drama than actually to the love for your husband. We as women are attracted to drama and things that are not good for us. Take it from someone who has been there, stick with the boyfriend and dump the husband. Take things slow with the boyfriend and keep yourself busy so you do not get depressed about the husband. Why is it that it takes the longest to get over the ones who hurt us the most?

misskobe · Jun 26, 2007, 02:40 AM

Irst of all , I am married but let me tell you , I don't really believe in the concept of marriage . Meaning , why do you need a contract to know if someone loves and cares about you? Your boyfriend is not your husband , so ~ . I mean who is showing that they care about you more? You don't have to marry your boyfriend as much as you don't have to stay married to your husband . Just be happy . Feeling a sense of loyalty for your husband is a waste . Obviously you can't really 100% trust your husband after he just left you when he felt like it . How do you know he won't leave you again ? Basically if you divorce your husband , what will the difference be? Other then not being married anymore? Life isn't about being married , it is about being happy . You have to do what makes you happy , not what you think you are supposed to do. Just my opinion of course.