[PatBateman]

Pat,

My wife and I, became very good friends first. We took our time getting to know each other and we really became each others best friends. We took it nice and slow. We became soulmates. Now if I was aggressive with her and did not take my time to get to know her, she would think that I am like all the other men, who only want one thing and that would have pushed her away and I would not have a beautiful wife, now a beautiful child.

So yes, I think it is better to become friends first and I think that those who do take the time to become really close friends first makes for a nice long companionship.

Good luck and RELAX AND CALM DOWN. Go with the flow.

Joe

That's awesome man, but I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything really deep right now. Just a few dates, maybe hook up and see where it goes, etc. Just some light fun and nothing serious at all. I've missed out on meeting different girls by being in such a long relationship at such an early age. I just want to go out there and meet as many girls as possible and see where it goes. At the same time, I want to shed my high school mentality towards dating and be more aggressive and act my age I guess. It's hard to explain. I just don't know how things should work, and my overactive brain takes over and I start thinking about everything!!

EDIT: I'm going to get my mind off this girl by going out with the other one this weekend. Can't just focus on one... lol. I think that'll help me a bit in terms of overthinking stuff.

[errin1081]

I've been seeing this girl I met on Match.com for a few weeks now. We talked a few times, met up in person for the first time last weekend, and today I saw her for the second time. The first time we went out for sushi and we had alot of fun. It was short, but sweet and interesting. Aside from a hug good bye, I didn't do anything else.

So today, we ended up walking around this street with all these shops and stuff but didn't go in anywhere. I asked her if she wanted to go ice skating but she said she hates it because when she was 12 she tore her quads after a bad fall...lol. So I stopped pushing it and we had some coffee and called it a night after 2 hours of walking and talking because she said she had some work to finish for tomorrow morning for one of her ad clients. (She's a director at a marketing firm)

I walked her back to her car and she drove me back to mine and then followed me because she didn't know her way back from where we were. Because of the way we left, we couldn't really do formal goodbyes...so no hugs this time.

The thing that sucked about today was that I had no chance to get physical with her. It was purely a "hanging out" type date and aside from rubbing her back for a few seconds because she said she was cold, that was all I did. I wanted to give her a kiss goodnight but it would have been wierd in the car.

I think she's warming up to me more because I mean, she drove an hour plus just to walk around with me on a day's notice...lol. I just wish she'd put her arms around me or whatever or at least show me some signs she wants to get hit on...lol. I'm a shy guy and usually am really respectful so I was afraid of just grabbing her hand or waist, which would have been wierd anyways.

I wish we went skating...that would have been a cakewalk.

Do you all think I should have been more aggressive?

no... not really. Women don't like it when someone is too aggressive! Have you just came out and told her what you are looking for? I think you should just come out and tell her what your looking for...

[Skell]

Pat,

Just take things as they come. Be natural and real. Don't force things because your mates tell you to! That certainly isn't shedding your school boy behaviour. In fact that is acting like a small child. My mates told me to do something so I did! C'mon Pat.

So how about actually shedding the school boy attitude and acting like a man and be honest, open and real while taking things SLOW!

That is your best bet and if things work out all right I'm sure in no time she won't be bale to keep her hands and lips off you!

Good luck!

[rol]

<<That's awesome man, but I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything really deep right now. Just a few dates, maybe hook up and see where it goes, etc. Just some light fun and nothing serious at all. >>

So you just want sex?well maybe you should ask her what she is looking for!! I somehow don't think that it's the same thing.

[rol]

Seriously , why not just be friends with her for now. There is really nothing better than having friends of the opposite sex.

[talaniman]

EDIT: I'm going to get my mind off this girl by going out with the other one this weekend. Can't just focus on one... lol. I think that'll help me a bit in terms of overthinking stuff.

I agree, since you are single you should be going out with a lot of different people. Still go slow.

[PatBateman]

<<That's awesome man, but I'm not really looking for a relationship or anything really deep right now. Just a few dates, maybe hook up and see where it goes, etc. Just some light fun and nothing serious at all. >>

So you just want sex?well maybe you should ask her what she is looking for!!! i somehow dont think that its the same thing.

Nah, I don't just want sex. I don't know if I even want that at all... lol. What I want is just to experience the natural process of dating someone, because I missed out on that in college.

I always think that somehow I'm not normal and I'm not aggressive enough. That's why girls always think of me as a friend and not as a normal, living and breathing sexual human being. I just wasn't sure if I'm doing this right or not, because it seems like every girl I meet I find some way to screw it up.

[JoeCanada76]

Pat,

I was not saying that it is going to turn into a relationship for sure, or serious eventually. I was trying to just state the fact that becoming friends first is important. Not rushing it is important. Just be yourself. Enjoy your dates and have fun. If anything more comes of it then that will happen at the right time for you. I did not mean for you to go out and get married. Lol

Joe

[rol]

<<Nah, I don't just want sex. I don't know if I even want that at all... lol. What I want is just to experience the natural process of dating someone, because I missed out on that in college.
>>

OK good.
Go out with the girl and talk to her and listen. Ask her about her life etc, interesting things.
Be friends for a long time and go slow, if she accepts your dates she is obviously interested.
Being friends can build a great relationship.

[s_cianci]

Maybe. Do what you're comfortable with. It sounds like she likes you and the two of you get along so I don't see the problem with you initiating affection with her.

[PatBateman]

Maybe. Do what you're comfortable with. It sounds like she likes you and the two of you get along so I don't see the problem with you initiating affection with her.

How do you initiate affection when you are in a neutral environment? Like how I was walking down the street... what do you smooth guys and girls recommend? Lol.

I'm pretty good if I'm at a bar with a girl, or if we went dancing or something because I'd have many "excuses" to get close and stuff. But when you're doing day-to-day activities that friends would do, it's kind of hard and uncomfortable... at least for me it is.

[Nosnosna]

Walking down the street is easy! Just hold hands. Or, if you stop to look at something, slip your arm around her waist while you're looking. Just little things, but it sends a signal that you're enjoying the time together.

Just make sure you read the body language correctly... if you do overstep, you want to pull it back *before* she says something, if at all possible. She'll notice and appreciate that you addressed your faux pas on your own.

[Allheart]

Dear Pat, Listen up my friend :)

Why don't you just try and get to know her as you would any other individual. Find out if you have similar interest. Get engrossed in a conversation. If the two of you connect, you will, without thought, maybe grab for her hand, when the two of you are walking, or place your arm around her when talking. But until that connection is made, it may be awkward for you. Don't do so much from your head. Get to know who she is.

Pat, I have to tell you, girls do have a radar, and will know if you are not listening to them, that you are too busy wondering…”okay, now, now, should I put my arm around her now”. Meanwhile she is just talking away and you are not even listening!! Trust me she will know. Just be yourself and see what similarites the two of you may have. Where does she work? Does she like it? Does she like sports? On and on and on.

Pat, I promise you, get to know her, and your arm will be on automatic. Just relax and stop thinking so much.

Turn off the head, be respectful, be light and enjoy yourself.

[PatBateman]

Dear Pat, Listen up my friend :)

Why don’t you just try and get to know her as you would any other individual. Find out if you have similar interest. Get engrossed in a conversation. If the two of you connect, you will, without thought, maybe grab for her hand, when the two of you are walking, or place your arm around her when talking. But until that connection is made, it may be awkward for you. Don’t do so much from your head. Get to know who she is.

Pat, I have to tell you, girls do have a radar, and will know if you are not listening to them, that you are too busy wondering…”okay, now, now, should I put my arm around her now”. Meanwhile she is just talking away and you are not even listening!!!! Trust me she will know. Just be yourself and see what similarites the two of you may have. Where does she work? Does she like it? Does she like sports? on and on and on.

Pat, I promise you, get to know her, and your arm will be on automatic. Just relax and stop thinking so much.

Turn off the head, be respectful, be light and enjoy yourself.

Oh I wasn't sweating it while ignoring her... I was listening. The thing is she's kind of shy and quiet and won't talk too much. For example, if I asked an open ended questiuon, she'll answer, but not elaborate or ask more. On our first date, I told her my birthday was coming up soon, and she said "oh well happy birthday". Most people would have said "oh really? when is it? what are you gonna do? etc."

She's a tough one when it comes to talking, so we haven't really gotten engrossed in any conversations yet. We talked about work, family, school, where we want to live, and all that, but that's just small talk still. I don't even know her last name yet.. haha.

Any tips on breaking this barrier? I mean, a normal person doesn't drive an hour and a half to just walk around without talking... right??

[Skell]

Here's the deal Pat.

You have come here asking questions about a WOMEN and you have some terrific answers from a whole heap of other WOMEN! So it would be my advice to read there responses and take it in. After all who knows all about women better than other women?

So read Allheart's response above, take it in and act on it OK!

You are worrying and stressing way too much about all this. She will pick up on that and you will just come off as desperate and needy.

Be yourself and just have fun with her. If it is meant to be something more than that will come, but you can't force it with preconceived plans of how to act!

[rol]

EXACTLY , just have fun with her, she will eventually open up a bit more!! you have just had one date already! Any wonder she is a bit guarded! She could have already had her share of meeting jerks on that website!She could also be dating a few more guys from the site so get to know her more before making any move. Have fun, laugh.

[talaniman]

Never forget Pat to go slow and remember be a gentleman and have fun, that's what dating is about, having fun and getting to know each other. Leave the smooth stuff to the players and just be yourself and be natural. After all there are a lot more men out there so ALWAYS be the gentleman.

[SouthernBelle06]

I am a girl and I will give you my opinion on this situation.

Just pick up your flirting skills a bit. Laugh and have a good time. Make her laugh. I dated a guy once who was too shy to even kiss me without asking. It didn't do much for me. Lol. The ones I have wanted to kiss had self confidence enough to let me know in subtle ways that they liked me as more than friends. They flirted. They complimented me. They made me feel good about myself and attractive. That is important to a girl, so compliment her. Have self confidence, while being respectful. I once dated a guy who stopped the car in the middle of the road after we had had a bit of an argument and just kissed me. I melted at that. It was different and showed that he had self confidence. Yes, we could have had an accident, but we were on a country road without much traffic. As strange as that sounds, I remember that gesture to this day and that was probably 6 years ago. It was a kind of "sweeping a girl off her feet" moment.

I am a girl and I agree with your guy friends too. If she is shy, she may need you to be a bit more aggressive. I may get slammed for this, but I am not saying be an animal or a disrespectful jerk to her in any way. Just build her attraction to you with a bit more subtle flirting. You can often get a shy person to open up by using some humor. When walking down the street, laugh and say "I'm cold!" and cuddle up to her for a moment. If she doesn't like you, she will pull away. Then just apologize without making it a big deal and you will know to go slower. If she lets you cuddle a bit, you can gauge how she feels and that she is warming up to you. Nothing disrespectful about that. Just laugh it off. I have had male friends come up and hug me and I am not offended. Just don't get stuck in the friends zone or be too shy and timid with her.

You are looking to date around anyway, so what could a bit more flirting hurt in this situation?

[PatBateman]

I am a girl and I will give you my opinion on this situation.

Just pick up your flirting skills a bit. Laugh and have a good time. Make her laugh. I dated a guy once who was too shy to even kiss me without asking. It didn't do much for me. lol. The ones I have wanted to kiss had self confidence enough to let me know in subtle ways that they liked me as more than friends. They flirted. They complimented me. They made me feel good about myself and attractive. That is important to a girl, so compliment her. Have self confidence, while being respectful. I once dated a guy who stopped the car in the middle of the road after we had had a bit of an argument and just kissed me. I melted at that. It was different and showed that he had self confidence. Yes, we could have had an accident, but we were on a country road without much traffic. As strange as that sounds, I remember that gesture to this day and that was probably 6 years ago. It was a kind of "sweeping a girl off her feet" moment.

I am a girl and I agree with your guy friends too. If she is shy, she may need you to be a bit more aggressive. I may get slammed for this, but I am not saying be an animal or a disrespectful jerk to her in any way. Just build her attraction to you with a bit more subtle flirting. You can often get a shy person to open up by using some humor. When walking down the street, laugh and say "I'm cold!" and cuddle up to her for a moment. If she doesn't like you, she will pull away. Then just apologize without making it a big deal and you will know to go slower. If she lets you cuddle a bit, you can gauge how she feels and that she is warming up to you. Nothing disrespectful about that. Just laugh it off. I have had male friends come up and hug me and I am not offended. Just don't get stuck in the friends zone or be too shy and timid with her.

You are looking to date around anyway, so what could a bit more flirting hurt in this situation?

I've done what you described there with the whole I'm cold thing- just without the line... haha. She said she was cold so I put my arm around her waist but only for a few seconds because it's awkward to walk with your arm around someone. That's all the contact I've done so far aside from a hug hello and goodbye.

I guess I have nothing to lose by stepping it up a little bit. I mean, after all, she's on Match.com, she's gone out with me twice, and she drives more than an hour to see me. Oh well, got to trust in myself more I guess.

Southernbelle, the other question I have is why doesn't she ever call or IM me? I'm always the one calling her to make plans and IMing her to see how her day went. (I don't do it often... I've probably called her 3x total so far and IMed maybe 4 or 5 in the 3 weeks I've known her, but is it just that she's THAT shy she won't even initiate a conversation? It's kind of frustrating because I don't really know where I stand, and me being shy and reserved myself, I end up going nowhere.

[SouthernBelle06]

If she is driving an hour and a half to see you, then she is definitely interested. If you wonder why she isn't calling you, well, it could be because she is shy for one thing. Another thing is that a lot of girls are hesitant or afraid to call guys in the early stages of dating because we don't want to frighten the guy away. If she is anything like me, she is probably simply gauging your interest in her by letting YOU do the pursuing since you are the guy. I may be wrong, but I am from the Southern USA and we were always taught to let the guy lead and do most of the pursuing. Our part as girls is to keep being receptive and responding and letting him know we like the guy by accepting dates, etc. Keep pursuing her if you are interested. As she becomes more comfortable with you, I'm sure she will begin to call you more. As long as she is answering your calls and IMing you in return and not avoiding you or cutting the conversations short, I think it is going well. Again, just my opinion as a female.